the Case of the Missing Body (mat 28)

This line really threw me. That for in there? I looked it up—it's the Greek word gor, and it means because.

 2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. (28:2)

So see, (1) there was an earthquake, and we know this because an angel (2) came down; went to the tomb; sat; WTF? Do any of these things cause earthquakes? It seems like you'd notice an earthquake, angel or no angel, even if it showed a lot of cleavage. I never did figure it out, but non-christian historical sources say there was a quake, and even mention some mysterious darkness [cue spooky music].

Earlier, it made a big deal of an earthquake strong enough to open tombs, right when Jesus died. Matthew gets a little carried away [Zombies! Giggle] but it's no surprise people would tell stories about this guy if that happened. Must means something, right? Then three days later, an aftershock, reasonable, and it jiggles those tombs even more, reasonable. And grave robbers are taking advantage, looting the tombs, reasonable, stealing bodies, Wait????What ??? Why the hell would they do that? 

Hmmm, let's read on. My bible has section headings. Here's “the guard’s report” 28:11-15

11 the guards told the priests what happened,
12 the priests paid the soldiers
13 to say “His disciples came and stole the body”
14 and said they had their back with the governor.
15 So they did. And the jews are still claiming this.

Oh ho hooo! It's a Christain writing this. They were a minor party, like the Teabaggers. “The Jews” was everybody: it was a Jewish place, saying Jews then was like Americans now, or at least Democrats. Back then before TV, when you had to write everything down, these gospels were like Fox news. So here's a Teabagger, on Fox, saying “the Dems paid the gaurds to say that”. 
 

Wouldn't you suspect he's just trying to spin things his way? Wouldn't you want to hear the guards side of it? Wouldn't you ask which side is telling the truth? Of course not; because you're a fanatic who just believes whatever he's told.

The Case of the Missing Body--Closed. Although, there's still a controversy about this, also about Obama's birth certificate, also whether Earth circles the sun. Srsly.