What I Shoulda Said

A while back when we were compiling our list of Anti Rape Tips, the big issue was the first one:

"Rape is about power, not about sex"

That seems self-evident to me but people objected, claiming that if it doesn't involve sex it's just assault, not rape.  We ended up with an acceptable final version, but I was always uneasy.  Why do we even have to explain this, I thought.

Now, over at Pervocracy Holly has a post called Supply Side Rape Prevention, where she tackles the issue of  rape prevention tips.  Just from her title (love it) you can tell she has great things to say, and the steps she recommends are totally spot on.

When I read her second step, I was like "Oh Hell Yeah, I wish I'd said that."  What we need to do is

Redefine "sex."
What is sex, really? It's not a penis going into a vagina. Nor is it a penis going into an orifice. Nor is it the touching of sexual organs. Sex is the pleasure obtained from arousal and intimacy. Without that, it's a gynecologist appointment.

So sticking your dick in someone means nothing. Gets you nothing. Absent the arousal and intimacy, it's just an unhygienic gynecologist appointment. Not only is sticking yourself in someone not right to do without their enthusiastic participation, it's not even sex. Most of things a person would really want from sex that they couldn't get from masturbation--emotional comfort, ego reinforcement, social status, physical closeness--are not things you can take by force. I would like to spread the meme that rape isn't getting laid by unethical means, it's not getting laid at all.

Exactly. Rape is not sex. If you think it is, it's not that you don't understand rape, it's that you don't understand sex.

Here are the rest of Holly's steps we need to take.

Redefine "rape" in the public discourse

strangers jumping out of bushes

Rewrite the sexual script

women trade sex for affection

Stop blaming victims
Treat men like people.

animals who can't control themselves

Stop blaming victims

needs no explanation

She explains each one in more detail, and you really should go here and read the whole thing.