ACTS is the title. A good start, boo hiss books where no acts happen. This act is a letter to a guy named Theophilus,[“Why did you name him that?" "Because he was the awfullest looking baby we'd ever seen.”
carrying on about what the apostles did after the Jesus haunted them. First up, call a powwow to elect a new guy to replace Judas. What happened to him, you ask?
1:18 … Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out.
Don't you hate it when that happens? You can't hardly walk down the sidewalk sometimes for people tripping over cracks, falling down and splattering themselves all over, and you have to tiptoe around the gore. Tedious. They just explodes, people do, like ripe tomatoes. It's Veggie Tales!
KJV says “all his bowels gushed out.” Wooo, graphic, but this word always makes me laugh. One of the few things I remember from 7th grade was the nuns insisting we wash our hands before leaving the restroom, and I guess somebody asked why. It seemed reasonable, we were just curious about the details, but all we got from the nuns was that there were bowel germs.
“Bowel germs?”
“That's what she said”
“What the fuck is a bowel germ?”
“I don't know.”
“Maybe it's E. Coli.”
“What's she think, we're in here playing with our shit?”
“She didn't say E. Coli. She said Bowel Germs.”
"Big, nasty Bowel Germs!"
“How would Bowel Germs get on our hands?”
“They lurk in the corners and jump on you.”
“Look, there's one!”
“OMG, there's another one!”
“Look at the size of that thing!”
“Run for your lives! BOWEL GERMS!”
As you can see, I have trouble staying on task.
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