Here

is where I'll be for the next couple of weeks. Not likely to have internet access out there, so don't expect new posts. I'm getting on a plane this afternoon and going there to celebrate. Remember Beethoven, my little buddy ? Well I just had a final test to see if he is really all gone. His malignant liddle soul is R.-ing In P., but he may have left a piece of himself behind, us being so close and all. Or he may have left minions, scads of junior beethovens lurking inside me, readying a terrible symphony of doom. Or maybe I'm all cured and recuperated. Still can't play the piano, as far as I know--haven't tried.

The CATs scanned me and meowed their opinions to the sawbonsai, (plural of sawbones, yo) who will examine goat entrails or whatever for a couple of weeks, then declassify the results and release them to the public, meaning me. Meanwhile I'm fixing to celebrate with a backpack trip, get lost in the wilderness for a while, be content with life. Did I mention how all recuperated I was? Yay, me.

When I get back I'll have to resume life: get a job, earn a living, all that stuff. No happy ending to this story, no sir. By then I should know the outcome of all this drama and hopefully I won't be able to milk it for any more sympathy, so I'll let you know with one more post. Wish me luck, and a happy trip. And eat your heart out.

Sin Or Die

Chapter 2 of The Quran has been charged with misquoting the Bible
Genesis 2:17 :

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Got it. Don't eat the tree. The tree is not for nomming. Eve was onto god's tricks, and she knew he meant the fruit--even though he didn't say so. She had god figured out, and she was playing it safe, 'If that fruit's poisonous enough to kill me, I'm not even gonna touch that shit' That's what she told the serpent:

“... God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die” (Genesis 3:3)

But here's the Noble Quran (it's a Count or a Duke or something? Maybe it's the Duke of Earl!), and god says you can't eat it, you can't touch it, hell you can't even go near the damn tree.

2:35 And when WE said `O Adam, dwell thou and thy wife in the garden, and eat therefrom plentifully where ever you will, but approach not this tree, least you be of the wrongdoers.'

“Among the wrongdoers”, it says, or evildoers, or transgressors. What wrongdoers? There weren't any before the Fall. The whole point of the G of E story is that there was no sin then. No Evil in the G of E. No death even. T-Rex was eating coconuts, and lions ate bushes, ones that didn't die when they got eaten, apparently just stayed alive all though getting chewed up, digested and shit back out. Sounds kind of horrible.

Anyway,

Biblegod: don't eat froots......||......Korangod: don't approach tree
Biblegod: you'll die.......||.......Korangod: you'll transgress

Interesting. Mohammed has to say the bible is corrupted, because otherwise he's full of shit since his stories don't match up. But what about 2:4? Remember 2:4, at the very beginning, when it said we have to believe the Bible?

2:2 This is the Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt, to those who fear Allah; ...
^2:4 And who believe in the Revelation sent to thee, and sent before thy time,

First off, here it is in black and pink (monitor's old) that the Quran is only for Jews and Christians. Nobody else believes the revelation sent before Mo's time. Unless he's talking about the Upanishads and like that who don't have the G of E story to contradict. All those kaffirs who don't believe it or never heard of it? Fuck 'em, they can all go to hell. And in this book that's not just a figure of speech. 

Second off, the revelation is that god said don't eat it, or you'll die--and we gotta believe that. Then, Quran/Mo has god say don't even go near it, or you'll sin. Hey, Mohammed, that's NOT WHAT GOD SAID. Duhh.

Oh wait, I get it. We can believe both: you'll die if you eat it, but you're a sinner if you just approach it. If you shinny up the trunk, make hot passionate love in the branches, and pig out on the fruit, you're a dead sinner. No contractions here.

Charges dismissed. Duke Quran of Earl, you're free to go.

What Color are Cows?

Go read Kafirgirl. Do it right now. She blogged about this chapter and she's hilarious. She talks about the magic cow, too, and in her story the cow is YELLOW.

Wait, What?

My cow was brown. Fawn-colored, actually, from the Yusuf Ali translation. Some translators say brown, some say yellow. Some say whatever matches your ensemble. Ahmed Ali covers all the bases:

2:69 ... "a fawn coloured cow, rich yellow, well pleasing to the eye."

Fawns aren't yellow, but what the hell. Maybe old Ahmed is color-blind.

I found two translators that say fawn-colored, and seven others that say yellow. Sher Ali says 'dun', and Palmer agrees, “dun, intensely dun” says he. Arberry says golden, and George Sale says 'red, intensely red'. Nobody said purple. As to Yusuf Ali, some sources show him saying fawn-colored, others give yellow. How can one guy's translation be different depending on who you ask?

Yusuf Ali (2:69) ... she is a yellow cow; her color is intensely yellow, (Online Quran Project)
Yusuf Ali (2:69) ... A fawn-coloured heifer, pure and rich in tone," (Wikilivres)

These guys can't even keep a simple thing like this straight, and they expect us to take them seriously? At least there's nobody trying to breed a reddish dun golden yellow fawn-colored cow so they can blow up the world.

As far as I know.

How to Revive Dead People

Yeah, the ending of the Magic Cow story. Back in 2:67-71, when Mo is telling how they sacrificed a cow, he gets close to the end and remembers advice from Neal Page; “When you tell one of your little stories, have a point!”

So then, basically, he says “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, there was a murder and they're trying to find out who did it”, and then gives the punch line.

^2:72 Remember ye slew a man and fell into a dispute among yourselves as to the crime: But God was to bring forth what ye did hide.
^2:73 So We said: "Strike the (body) with a piece of the (heifer)." Thus God bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His Signs: Perchance ye may understand. [Yusuf Ali]

ROFL! This shit is too crazy even for certified Mohammedans to swallow. Ahmed Ali puts a footnote in his translation:

* The use of adribu bi-ba’diha in the original text could literally mean “strike him with some of her,” on the basis of which it has been taken to mean “strike it (the corpse) with some (pieces) of her (the cow).” On the very face this seems not only far-fetched but no sanction exists for such a meaning in the Quran.

I love this. “Far-fetched? The Quran? Nawww. And “sanction”? You mean like when it comes right out and says it?
Look how he translates line 73.

(73) We had pronounced already: "Slay (the murderer) for (taking a life)." Thus God preserves life from death and shows you His signs that you may understand. [Ahmed Ali]

What the hell? Not only does that pull a Transformers on the meaning, with that ending the story doesn't even make sense. You forgot Neal's advice, Ahmed. Lemme help you out, with an official Uzzan translation:

(73) So they did one of those old magic rituals Mohammed believed in from back in his pagan days, and rapped the stiff upside the head with a prime sirloin. Fucker came back to life and told who killed him.

Which was supposed to be the whole point of this story. You're welcome. Sheesh.

We're not done with the zombies yet. There's more zombies. Hordes of zombies. This book seems obsessed with dead critters coming back to life.

^2:155 Do not say that those who are killed ... are dead, for indeed they are alive, even though you are not aware.

WTF???

^">2:243Have you never thought of men ... to whom God said: "Die," then restored them to life?

No.

^2:260 ... "Take, then, four birds, and draw them towards thee, and cut them in pieces; then place a part of them on every mountain; then call them and they shall come swiftly to thee:

Good luck with that.

^2:259 ... And God caused him to die for an hundred years, and then raised him to life. And God said, ... look on the bones of thine ass, how we will raise them, then clothe them with flesh." And when this was shewn to him, he said, "I acknowledge that God hath power to do all things."

I bet he didn't. I bet he said something more like “HOLY FUCK!!!” I would've.

the Magic Cow

Chapter 2, lines 67-71, tell this story:

Moses: “God wants you to sacrifice a cow.”

People: “Are you fucking with us? What kinda cow?”

--- “A middle-aged one.”

--- “Ask god what color.”

--- “A brown one.”

--- “They all look alike.”

--- “God wants one that's in good shape.”

--- “Oh, OK.” And they went and did it.

Another platter of the Quran's House Special, a silly-ass story that makes no sense. He's trying to repeat the buybull story in Deut 21:1-9 where god says how to solve murders. It's CSI: Early Arabia! You know how it is in show biz though, his screenwriters were too heavy on the white stuff, they were all “Cow story. Yeah! Magic cows, man! Let's have them argue about what color it is.” They mixed up this episode with ch19 of the Book of Numbers.

(Numbers 19) 2 ... Speak unto the children of Israel, that they bring thee a red heifer without spot, wherein is no blemish, and upon which never came yoke:
3 And ye shall give her unto Eleazar the priest, that he may bring her forth without the camp, and one shall slay her before his face: ...
7 then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe his flesh in water,

So Mohammed's in Medina, trying to appeal to the Jews there by including their very own stories in his sermon. That's good strategy, target your con speech toward your marks audience, but Mo doesn't know the stories very well.

He always fucks them up. Which raises the 1400 year old controversy, was Mo illiterate? I still haven't decided, but here's what I think this week. He could read, so he could run his camel business, in Arabic. But he couldn't read the Jewish scriptures, cuz they were in Ancient Greek. Details? We don't need no stinking details. Why study old books when you can be out converting? If he would've read them he'd at least remember the basic outline of the plot, but he only heard his cousin telling about them, so he gets all mixed up on the details. Comes back to bite him when he can't convert the Jews. See kids? See what happens when you don't do your homework?

You think this stuff is crazy? Ha. I'll meet your crazy, and raise you one Christian and a Jew. Notice that red heifer up there? Because of that one verse sentence clause phrase adjective, there are organized groups of lunatics in Nebraska and Israel both frantically trying to breed a red heifer so they can destroy the world. Y'see, they keep trying to blow up Al-aqsa Mosque and the Dome of the Rock (darn Muslims won't let them) so they can rebuild the Third Temple in Jerusalem, usher in the Second Coming of Christ, set off the battle of Armegeddon, and kill everybody on Earth. To them, this is a good thing. Listen to 'em:

“Because there are no ashes of a red heifer with which to purify priests, the only solution would be to find priestly families who are willing to give up their children immediately after their birth for a special mission: to have them raised and prepared in conditions of isolation and purity for at least 13 years, so that they can handle the next red heifer ...”

That, my friends, is a Royal Flush of Crazy. The Bible-thumpers take the pot this round.

Anyway, here's Deut 21:1-9,
1 if you find a dead guy laying out in a field
2 measure how far it is from town.
3 The closest city gets a cow,
4 takes it to a valley, and kills it.
5 Then all the priests and elders stand over it and wash their hands
7 and say “It wasn't us”,
8 and then they're off the hook. (They all go home and have pizza. Meanwhile, the murderer they're all ignoring is off making another hit, but what the hell.)

The fuck?, you ask. What's the koran story even got to do with this one? you ask. Ha! Wait till you see the ending ...

the Wheat Has Ears!

Chapter 2 talks about ears of corn. I let the koran off the hook back in Chapter 12 when it talked about corn in ancient Egypt. The Pharoah wouldn't have said
^12:43“I see ... seven green ears of corn”, he would've said “Man, I dreamed of the weirdest-ass looking plants last night, I gotta lay off the sauce”, because there wasn't any corn in the Old World until after the Mexicans gave it to Columbus in 1492. They spread it all over and started calling it corn, or Indian Corn. Back in the Buybull days, when they said corn they meant any kind of wheat, barley, oats, whatever. So it's all good, I said.

What a dumbass.

Here it is again, for the reading-impaired like me, and for all you eagle-eyed readers who didn't send in acomment saying “Hey stupid, it says “ears”; since when does wheat have ears, you idiot.”

(2:261) The semblance of those who expend their wealth in the way of God is that of a grain of corn from which grow seven ears,each ear containing a hundred grains.

If anyone was reading this blog, and if they were paying attention, they could've pointed this out and made me eat crow and be all apologetic and everything. Too bad, missed your chance.

Mo got this story from the bible in the first place, so I looked there and damn if it doesn't say “ears of corn” too. WTF? I got curious what's the original Greek, but I came to my senses, realized lifetimes only have so many hours, and there's loafing to do—Priorities, Uzza!—so I don't know. Some bibles say “heads of grain” and that's good enough for me, even if King James says “ears of corn”.

Eleven koran translations, all of them say “ears of corn” too, except one. Rashad Khalifa says “spike” instead of “ear”, but he's a false prophet, y'unnerstand, so screw him even if he is the only one who tells the truth. Whatever korans say in Arabic, I'm willing to bet it's not a word for a plant that didn't EXIST ON THAT CONTINENT for another 900 years. Gee, ain't it curious how all those translators fucked it up the exact same way KJV Bible did? Unless ... unless, wait, ... unless they were deliberately trying to make it sound all godly and dignified and authoritative like the KJVB. Gee, y'think?

Maybe the muslims are right. Maybe you do have to read the original Arabic to understand this thing: none of the translators are honest. Mohammed says something about grain, and they change it to talking about corn. He mentions “the furthest mosque” and they change it to “Jerusalem.” How we know what else they changed? Maybe he said “72 sheep” instead of “72 virgins.” And that whole 5-times-a-day thing, maybe he didn't say 'pray', maybe he said “masturbate”.

Quran Space Porn

Notes on chapter 2:

what the fuck is this all about?/??Harut Marut?
(2:103) And they follow what devilish beings used to chant against the authority of Solomon, though Solomon never disbelieved and only the devils denied, who taught sorcery to men, which, they said, had been revealed to the angels of Babylon, Harut and Marut, who, however, never taught it without saying: "We have been sent to deceive you, so do not renounce (your faith)."

They learnt what led to discord between husband and wife. Yet they could not harm any one or without the dispensation of God. And they learnt what harmed them and brought no gain. They knew indeed whoever bought this had no place in the world to come, and that surely they had sold themselves for something that was vile. If only they had sense!

That's all one verse, srsly. [Ahmadiyya explains it, but fuck me if I know what it means. Might as well have read the Klingon Sex Manual. ]

--notes...

Harut and Marut in 2:103
Old armenian myths|Also known as Haroth and Maroth. These two leading angels appeared in both Persian and Islamic legend. Among the Persians, Harut and Marut were two very formidable angels who knew the incomparably powerful secret name of God.

Big deal, his secret name is Mortimer. I don't know why he's so sensitive about it.
To the jews, these are Azael and some other guy.
Answering-islam gives a bunch of what they call “possible identification of these figures”. Or you could just make up your own, what the hell, boldly guess where no man has guessed before.

This whole story contradicts 16:49 which says angels can't sin. Workarounds are:

a.) they were men, not angels. (ok; but magic?) srsly? Yep) (Wait, up there it says they're angels)
b) more popular version: angels, but only following orders, so no sin. (Like Eichman. Remember we hung him.)

I never did really figure out what this is all about, but I did find this hilarious video.

House in the Quran

What the hell's the koran talking abut now?

2:125 And when We made the House a resort for men and a (place of ) security. And: Take ye the Place of Abraham for a place of prayer. And We enjoined Abraham and Ishmael, saying: Purify My House for those who visit (it) and those who abide (in it) for devotion and those who bow down (and) those who prostrate themselves.

Holy, Heaven-bound, Believer: Well you see, Abraham founded Mecca, by building the Kaaba. See here:

2:126 And when Abraham said: My Lord, make this a secure town and provide its people with fruits, such of them as believe in Allah and the Last Day. He said: And whoever disbelieves, I shall grant him enjoyment for a short while, then I shall drive him to the chastisement of the Fire. And it is an evil destination.
2:127 And when Abraham and Ishmael raised the foundations of the House: Our Lord, accept from us; surely Thou art the Hearing, the Knowing.

Evil, Damned, Infidel: So? There was a house, and it was Abraham's. Don't cry, but if you look really really close, and kind of squint, you'll notice it never mentions the Kaaba, or Mecca, or Arabia. Or Britney Spears.

Believer: Yhtlatc, Boasmasmi! ***

Noble Qur'an, 3:96 The first House established for the people was that at Bekka

... the Old Testament mentions it as well.

Holy Bible, Psalm 84:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

Infidel: Oh FFS. It says:

4. blessed are they who dwell in thy house........
6. blessed is the man who passes through Baca.

p.s. The doubled consonant matters. Arabic [kk] is a different sound than [k]. They had to change three out of four sounds to get this. Baca → Beka → Meka → Mekka. Like saying pigs → sex.
p.p.s. Not to mention the original koran didn't have any vowels, so it could've been Bokka, Bikka, or Bukka. Not Bukkake, cuz that has an extra k)

____________________________________

Therefore,
Bekka is Baca and Baca is Mecca and Abraham built the Kaaba?
And Britney danced on it. In a lampshade.

Here's some more undomesticated facts for you to round up, tame, and hitch to your clown wagon.

• The place of Abraham, where he mock-executed his kid, was Mount Moraiah. Nobody knows where that is, but it's a mountain. Mecca's in a valley. So's this Bekka / Baca place. Valleys are not mountains. They're different, kind of like vaginas are not penises.
• The Valley of Baca is in northern Israel, about five miles from Jerusalem.
• You're a moron.

(*** An exclamation much used by believers, meaning “You have to look at the context”,“but only as much as supports my interpretation”)

The koran fucks up

You always hear the quran is all perfect, fully detailed and complete, leaves no stone unturned, no butt unwiped, etc, and then you come to this:

(2:253) Of all these apostles We have favoured some over the others.
(2:285) The Prophet believes in what has been revealed to him by his Lord, and so do the faithful. Each one believes in God and His angels, His Books and the prophets, and We make no distinction between the apostles.

Zoom in for a closeup of that. Focus on the part about the apostles.

(2:253) ... We have favoured some over the others.
(2:285) ... We make no distinction

In words of three syllables, Shee--yi--et!

I can't do it. We need a believer to come in here and warp the space-time continuum so those lines don't contradict each other.

Muslim Terror

Last week, an Islamic terrorist walked into a Pennsylvania gym and opened fire indiscriminately, killing four and wounding nine before killing himself.

In this latest Muslim suicide attack, George Sodini, 48, a member of the gym, used four handguns to fire at least 36 shots at other members. Police do not believe he targeted anyone personally. He expressed hatred for infidels, in an online diary and blog, blaming them for his own problems and the ills of world.

"He just had a lot of hatred in him, and he was hell bent on committing this act," said police.

He stopped attending religious services after a confrontation, but he wrote, “This guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass murder, then still go to heaven.”

How many more Americans must die before people wake up? This is a War! Muslims kill and terrorize US citizens, spread fear, restrict our activities, take away our freedoms. We can't afford apathy! We absolutely must carry the fight to them, invade their countries, eliminate them wherever we find them. We can't afford not to mobilize our entire nation, reorganize our government, compromise our ideals, bankrupt our country, ...

Wait—I read it wrong. He wasn't a Muslim, he was a Misogynist. He hated females, not infidels.

Sorry, my bad. I thought it was something to get upset about, but it's just a another guy killing some women. No terror. Nothing unusual. Never mind.

Where's Allah?

Man, there's a lotta stuff in chapter 2. Here's another one.

(2:143) The foolish will now ask and say: "What has made the faithful turn away from the Qiblah towards which they used to pray?"

OK, I'm foolish, I'll ask, “What the fuck is a qiblah? Why are you praying towards it? Is it god? Why turn away from it? Lemmee guess: the qibla is a meteorite, you've been worshiping it since you were a little pagan baby, and you turned away from it because you grew up and came to your senses.

(rest of 143) Say: "To God belong the East and the West. He guides who so wills to the path that is straight."

Oh.

Yeah, say that. It clears things right up. Once again, time to set down the Perfect, Complete and Detailed Word of God and go ask what the hell it's trying to say. Google to the rescue!

(google google google google)

Oh damn! Epic Fail for me, I wasn't even close!

A qiblah is the direction you face when you pray. Mohammed, being a pagan polytheist for most of his life, prayed towards the pussy-shaped meteor in the Kaaba. Highly appropriate, I'd say. After he moved to Medina and wanted to suck up to the Jews, he changed the qiblah, told everybody to face Jerusalem like they did. But they weren't dumb enough to join his cult, so after while he got pissed at them and changed it back. That's what these lines are all about.

(2:146) Even though you bring all the proof to the people of the Book they will not face the direction you turn to, nor you theirs, nor will they follow each other's direction. And if you follow their whims after all the knowledge that has reached you, then surely you will be among transgressors

(2:145) We have seen you turn your face to the heavens. We shall turn you to a Qiblah that will please you. So turn towards the Holy Mosque, and turn towards it wherever you be ...

(2:150) Wherever you come from turn towards the Holy Mosque: This in truth is from your Lord. ...

(2:151) Whichever place you come from turn towards the Holy Mosque, and wherever you are, turn your faces towards it

His cultists must have been all “WTF, dude? Where's god this week? Why's he keep moving around?” cuz Mo felt like he had to explain himself,

(2:144) ... We decreed the Qiblah which you faced before that We may know who follow the Apostle and who turn away in haste. And this was a hard (test) except for those who were guided by God.

Ha, just testing you! The old 'I knew that, I just wanted to see if you knew' bit, like the dorky kids pulled in fifth grade. His guys fell for that? What are they, twelve?

And what's with turning his face towards the heavens? That's supposed to mean he was all conflicted about this qibla business and looking to allah to help him out. He wants something from god, he looks up in the heavens. Sounds like he thinks god's up there, so why'd he tell his cult to face the kaaba? Sounds like a scam to me; he knows where god hangs out, but he's keeping it on the down low.

(2:116) To God belong the East and the West. Wherever you turn the glory of God is everywhere: All-pervading is He and all-knowing.

(2:177) Piety does not lie in turning your face to East or West:

Notice the numbers of these lines? One is before the change, back when he was aiming his schnoz at the sky and asking for guidance, and the other one is way after the change. He knows damn well it doesn't matter what direction you face, he's just jerking people around, building himself up as god's mouthpiece, standard religious con game right out of Cult Leading for Dummies, page 171. Or, could it be, the Koran is a jumbled up mess where nothing is in any order?

Yeah it could. But I figured out why chapter two is so damn long. Even though it's the first revelation after the move, it covers a whole couple of years, because Mo was in Medina for like a year and a half before he gave up on the Jews changed the qibla.

Qibla my arse. Did you know there's even Qibla Locators online, that'll tell you the exact direction to aim your prayers? Srsly. Here's an idea, prayer rugs with laser sights, so your prayers'll hit god every time. You shouldn't have to burn in hell just because you're a lousy shot.

PS. Just when I thought Islam can't get any sillier, I found this:

Lovemaking is best done with the heads facing the qibla.”

>ROFLMAO! Can't ty[e mfore. Laaffaing too harred ..................

I Defend the Quran

So now, Mohammed has moved to Medina and god has revealed chapter 2. Medina has lots of Jews to sell his cult to, so Mohammed is sucking up big time. But wait, don't muslims hate jews? Don't they call them pigs and apes? Sure they do.

"when you look at the above picture, and imagine the pulse of the crowd, remember it’s not a joke that the Jew is represented by an ape. Consider another lost generation of Muslim children who will forever hate Jews because of terrifying images like this…well, and because of the Quran. By the way, the lovely picture was taken in Obama’s Jakarta. And they hate Jews there because? The Quran."

Where do they get these ideas? Is this in the Koran? Why, shore...

(2:65) And indeed you know those among you who violated the Sabbath, so We said to them: Be (as) apes, despised and hated

Indeed we do know, Sirrah, because we read about this in the fish story of chapter 7, where god won't let people have any food unless they worked on Saturday, which he forbids. Anybody else would waive the red tape in a case like that, but did god cut them any slack? Oh hell no,

(7:166) When they persisted in doing what they had been forbidden, We said to them: "Become (like) apes despised."

At least, that's Ahmed Ali's translations. It doesn't really say (like). He just put it in there so he can say they dint really become apes, they only became like apes. How like? Well, “among the Arabs the ape is a proverbially incontinent animal, they say 'more incontinent than an ape.'” So god didn't really really turn these guys into apes, he just made them crap their pants a lot. Which of course makes the whole story totally believable.
(Y'know, maybe it does. God likes to see people starve, or die of diarrhea. He's very Old Testament that way.)

Pickthall's old school. He doesn't put in stupid editorial comments, he just translates what it says.

(2:65) ... We said unto them: Be ye apes despised and loathed!

No beating around any politically correct bushes for Pickthall's god, no sir, they were literally changed into real live breathing, crapping apes. Later on it says this:

(2:117) ... He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth: when he decrees a thing, He merely says, "Be," and it is done.

So there. When god said “let there be light, there was light”, goddamn it, and when god said “be apes” they were apes. Real apes, none of this candy-assed apes looking-like-people shit.

Now Just Wait A Damn Minute

Trouble is, it wasn't Jews that were en-ape-ified, it was people who fished on the sabbath. Lookit the first part of the sentence:

(2.65) and ye know of those of YOU WHO BROKE THE SABBATH,how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated!

Those who didn't break the sabbath were fine (except for the starving to death). Doesn't have jack to do with whether you're Jewish or not. The koran says Jews are apes and pigs like the Drivers Manual says to get drunk and speed.

Either these sickos are twisting the koran around to build up their own teeny weeny dicks, or the koran says bad shit about jews in a later chapter—but it doesn't: ch5 is the only other reference to apes, and it's just another reference to Mohammed made-up story (it's not in the bibles) about those revolting dieters who FISHED ON THE SABBATH. Bottom line, koran doesn't say the Jews are apes, were apes, look like apes, have sex with apes, teach sign language to apes, anything.
Read your own damn book, bigots.

And another thing. Where does this say anything about pigs?

Fuckwits.

Faking it, Part II

(2:79) But woe to them who fake the Scriptures and say: "This is from God," so that they might earn some profit thereby; and woe to them for what they fake, and woe to them for what they earn from it!

Say What? Quaranenglish sez it's the jewish rabbis, writing their own additions/terps of scripture. Sounds lame to me, but who knows?

Maybe it's talking about this guy. He rewrote the koran to promote Christianity, and tried to get it distributed around the Middle East. Fail! Just for shits and giggles, here's some of the verses.

(1) Alef Lam Saad Meem
(2) Say: O Muslims, You are far astray.
(3) Those who disbelieved in God and his Christ shall have in the life after the fire of hell and a severe torture.

Not exactly subtle, is it? Turns out writing isn't the only thing he's bad at. He got arrested for an Epic Fail at tax evasion. Tried to burn his tax records—in the basement of his condo. If that's not enough for a Darwin Award, he disabled the security cameras—and got filmed doing it. Woe to him, LULZ.

Here's some other guys rewriting scripture. They took out all the parts they think didn't come from Allah because they “promote violence, divisiveness, religious or gender superiority, bigotry, or discrimination”. They scrubbed 62 verses out of chapter two, 22% of it. It's a good start, but how do you know Allah isn't violent, divisive, egotistical, and bigoted? Seems as likely as anything. Maybe there really IS a god, and he's just a colossal fucking asshole. Did you ever think of that? Huh? Didja?

WTFuckeries

Just some random things in chapter 2 that shall forever remain mysteries (unless you can explain them).

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(2:141) Or do you claim that Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac and Jacob and their offspring were Jews or Christians? Say: "Have you more knowledge than God?" Who is more wicked than he who conceals the testimony he received from God?

Yeah, I claim that. WTF? The Tribe of Israel weren't Jews? What the hell were they, Eskimos?

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(2:53) Remember, We gave Moses the Book and Discernment of falsehood and truth, that you may be guided.

I counted seventeen times in this chapter when he mentions they had a book for guidance, so WTF

(2:170) ... they reply: "No, we shall follow only what our fathers had practiced," -- even though their fathers had no wisdom or guidance!

God kinda contradicts hisself there.

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LOL----what color is god?

(139) "We have taken the colouring of God; and whose shade is better than God's?"

Yea, BLUE PEOPLE ROCK!

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Wtf?? what's this culinary advice doing in this paragraph?

(168) And the followers will say: "Could we live but once again we would leave them as they have abandoned us now." God will show them thus their deeds, and fill them with remorse; but never shall they find release from the Fire. O men, eat only the things of the earth that are lawful and good. Do not walk in the footsteps of Satan, your acknowledged enemy.
(169) He will ask you to indulge in evil, indecency, and to speak lies of God you cannot even conceive.

The next two lines are totally unrelated. 170's up above there and 171's that crackhead metaphor in the last post. He starts on food after that ...

(172) O believers, eat what is good of the food We have given you, and be grateful to God, if indeed you are obedient to Him.
(173) Forbidden to you are carrion and blood, and the flesh of the swine, bla bla more about food...

This is where that 'eat' sentence belongs, so why isn't it there? This happens in the koran. Sentences get lost and wander around aimlessly, until a new paragraph finds them and takes them in.