Obliquitous Comminations?

Chapter 14 says the lord's path hasn't got obliquity (v3) LOL, says to fear his commination (v14), LOL. Who talks like that? This is the Ahmed Ali version, and Amazon's review says he's “succeeded in bringing all of the subtlety, depth, and spiritual power of Islam into his translation”. If you say so, dude. Different strokes and all that, but most of us say crookedness and threats, since about the 15^th century.

Name of the chapter is Ibrahim, it's about Abraham, my candidate for Worst Person in the Entire History of the World^®, what with starting all three of these patriarchal monotheistic horror shows. I'm supposed to know all about him:

35. Remember when Abraham prayed: "O Lord, make this a city of peace, and preserve me and my progeny from worshipping idols:

No, I don't remember. Never even met the dude. And it sounds like he has a personal problem: “Hello, my name is Abraham and I'm an idol worshiper. ... Please, please stop me before I worship again!!!”

It turns out Moslems say that Abraham founded Mecca—that's the city he's talking about, with the pagans and their kinky prayers. They were there first with their sacred meteorite, until he came along and built the Kaaba over it. Apparently this didn't offend their holy site, since there's no word on pagans rioting and throwing rocks and overturning camels. Again I say, these pagans are just too nice for their own good. Some of Abe's children, those who survived their abusive childhoods with the mock executions and all, he stuck there by the Kaaba, out in the desert where there was no food, so they'd have to depend on handouts to survive. That's what this is all about:

37. I have settled some of my children, O Lord, in a barren valley near Your sacred House, so that, O our Lord, they may be constant in devotion. So put in the hearts of men some kindness for them, and provide fruits for them: They may haply be grateful.

Follow the logic here: You'd think god wanted all of us to be holy; but the holy ppl don't support themselves so they'd starve unless they sponge off the rest of us; so if everybody was all holy, nobody'd grow any food, so everyone would starve. I'm with Sam Kinnison, “we have deserts too, but we don't fucken LIVE IN THEM”. When you're too lazy to grow your own food, don't expect handouts from the rest of us—we have to work for a living. These first welfare queens put a lot of effort into complaining how horrible the people were who were feeding them. Nowadays they sit around on the dole, attacking the government. Ya gotta respect those traditional ways, yo.

It harps on this old meme some more too ...

4. ... God leads whosoever He wills astray,
27 God ... leads the unjust into error

Sooo, it's entirely possible this whole mohammed/koran business is god leading people astray, right? How could they know it wasn't?

Hmmm. He's a tricky one, god is.