House in the Quran

What the hell's the koran talking abut now?

2:125 And when We made the House a resort for men and a (place of ) security. And: Take ye the Place of Abraham for a place of prayer. And We enjoined Abraham and Ishmael, saying: Purify My House for those who visit (it) and those who abide (in it) for devotion and those who bow down (and) those who prostrate themselves.

Holy, Heaven-bound, Believer: Well you see, Abraham founded Mecca, by building the Kaaba. See here:

2:126 And when Abraham said: My Lord, make this a secure town and provide its people with fruits, such of them as believe in Allah and the Last Day. He said: And whoever disbelieves, I shall grant him enjoyment for a short while, then I shall drive him to the chastisement of the Fire. And it is an evil destination.
2:127 And when Abraham and Ishmael raised the foundations of the House: Our Lord, accept from us; surely Thou art the Hearing, the Knowing.

Evil, Damned, Infidel: So? There was a house, and it was Abraham's. Don't cry, but if you look really really close, and kind of squint, you'll notice it never mentions the Kaaba, or Mecca, or Arabia. Or Britney Spears.

Believer: Yhtlatc, Boasmasmi! ***

Noble Qur'an, 3:96 The first House established for the people was that at Bekka

... the Old Testament mentions it as well.

Holy Bible, Psalm 84:5-6 (New International Version)
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

Infidel: Oh FFS. It says:

4. blessed are they who dwell in thy house........
6. blessed is the man who passes through Baca.

p.s. The doubled consonant matters. Arabic [kk] is a different sound than [k]. They had to change three out of four sounds to get this. Baca → Beka → Meka → Mekka. Like saying pigs → sex.
p.p.s. Not to mention the original koran didn't have any vowels, so it could've been Bokka, Bikka, or Bukka. Not Bukkake, cuz that has an extra k)

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Therefore,
Bekka is Baca and Baca is Mecca and Abraham built the Kaaba?
And Britney danced on it. In a lampshade.

Here's some more undomesticated facts for you to round up, tame, and hitch to your clown wagon.

• The place of Abraham, where he mock-executed his kid, was Mount Moraiah. Nobody knows where that is, but it's a mountain. Mecca's in a valley. So's this Bekka / Baca place. Valleys are not mountains. They're different, kind of like vaginas are not penises.
• The Valley of Baca is in northern Israel, about five miles from Jerusalem.
• You're a moron.

(*** An exclamation much used by believers, meaning “You have to look at the context”,“but only as much as supports my interpretation”)

Chapter 21. The Prophets. 112 verses.

Picture it. Some crazy guy comes wandering down out of the hills and says he talks to god. You want proof, right? Those Arabs weren't stupid, they asked the same thing from Mohammed:

⁵ ... “bring us a Sign like the ones that were sent to (Prophets) of old!"

God's telling the story, and he says naw, yer wrong,

⁷ ... the apostles We sent were but men, to whom We granted inspiration ...
⁸ Nor did We give them bodies that ate no food, nor were they exempt from death.

He seems to be saying none of the other prophets did any miracles, so he don't gotta neither, nyahh nyahh. I guess we're not supposed to remember Moses's magic wand, or even later in this same chapter when they try to burn Abe at the stake and

⁶⁹ We said, "O Fire! be thou cool, and (a means of) safety for Abraham!"

Too bad they didn't try that with Mo. He'd've won them pagans over for sure if he would've pulled a Sam McGee. And if he didn't, well, that would've saved the whole world a lot of grief.

When they ask why anybody should believe him, god (aka Mohammed) just keeps repeating how god made everything, people didn't appreciate him, and then he killed them all. That's really his only argument. We've blogged thru over half the koran by now and three quarters of it consists of nothing else but this, so when it blows a whole chapter on different ways to say it again, excuse me if I'm not transported into a frenzy of religious ecstasy. Or still awake. They could just say (repeat chorus) 112 times. Save ink.

Al-zheimers-lah says he created man from dust (3:59), fermented clay (15:26) semen (16:4) a soul (4:1) dust-sperm-clot-flesh (22:5), so it's no surprise when the old gent blurts out another one:

(21:30) We made from water every living thing.

God should stay on his meds.

And finally, a quiz.

BZZZZT! Wrong. None of the above. The good things are how much land you control, how big your borders are, how big your empire is, how much power you have. God says so, see?

⁴⁴ Nay, We gave the good things of this life to these men and their fathers until the period grew long for them; See they not that We gradually reduce the land (in their control) from its outlying borders?

This is just so spiritual and uplifting, I could just go out and knock off a convenience store.

Obliquitous Comminations?

Chapter 14 says the lord's path hasn't got obliquity (v3) LOL, says to fear his commination (v14), LOL. Who talks like that? This is the Ahmed Ali version, and Amazon's review says he's “succeeded in bringing all of the subtlety, depth, and spiritual power of Islam into his translation”. If you say so, dude. Different strokes and all that, but most of us say crookedness and threats, since about the 15^th century.

Name of the chapter is Ibrahim, it's about Abraham, my candidate for Worst Person in the Entire History of the World^®, what with starting all three of these patriarchal monotheistic horror shows. I'm supposed to know all about him:

35. Remember when Abraham prayed: "O Lord, make this a city of peace, and preserve me and my progeny from worshipping idols:

No, I don't remember. Never even met the dude. And it sounds like he has a personal problem: “Hello, my name is Abraham and I'm an idol worshiper. ... Please, please stop me before I worship again!!!”

It turns out Moslems say that Abraham founded Mecca—that's the city he's talking about, with the pagans and their kinky prayers. They were there first with their sacred meteorite, until he came along and built the Kaaba over it. Apparently this didn't offend their holy site, since there's no word on pagans rioting and throwing rocks and overturning camels. Again I say, these pagans are just too nice for their own good. Some of Abe's children, those who survived their abusive childhoods with the mock executions and all, he stuck there by the Kaaba, out in the desert where there was no food, so they'd have to depend on handouts to survive. That's what this is all about:

37. I have settled some of my children, O Lord, in a barren valley near Your sacred House, so that, O our Lord, they may be constant in devotion. So put in the hearts of men some kindness for them, and provide fruits for them: They may haply be grateful.

Follow the logic here: You'd think god wanted all of us to be holy; but the holy ppl don't support themselves so they'd starve unless they sponge off the rest of us; so if everybody was all holy, nobody'd grow any food, so everyone would starve. I'm with Sam Kinnison, “we have deserts too, but we don't fucken LIVE IN THEM”. When you're too lazy to grow your own food, don't expect handouts from the rest of us—we have to work for a living. These first welfare queens put a lot of effort into complaining how horrible the people were who were feeding them. Nowadays they sit around on the dole, attacking the government. Ya gotta respect those traditional ways, yo.

It harps on this old meme some more too ...

4. ... God leads whosoever He wills astray,
27 God ... leads the unjust into error

Sooo, it's entirely possible this whole mohammed/koran business is god leading people astray, right? How could they know it wasn't?

Hmmm. He's a tricky one, god is.

Crazed Killer Founds Religions

37:83-111 and all over

I've ignored the Quran talking about some child-abusing lunatic Abraham, because I hear so much about him from the Christians, how he was God's BFF, yadayada. I tell them he's fucking psychopath who wanted to murder his own kid, and they say “But he didn't kill him!” as if that made what he did just fine and hunky-dory.

What he did = tied his kid up and put him on an altar he built, took a knife and went to kill him, only stopping at the last second. That is known as a Mock Execution; a common form of torture; causes lasting PTSD-like psychological damage; is banned by the US Army Field Manual, the Geneva Conventions, and anyone with a fucken brain. Somehow, to members of these three religions, it's a sign of good character.

16:123 So We have taught thee the inspired (Message), "Follow the ways of Abraham the True in Faith,

SO...all three of these shitty monotheistic religions were founded by a psychopathic child abuser and his psychologically damaged son. Nothing unusual about them either, because 'God' tells people every day to kill their sons, daughters, mothers... Here's how one person came unhinged like old Abe. This particular prophet lunatic beheaded a fellow bus passenger, but some others write books, with things like

37:101 So We gave him the good news of a boy ready to suffer

These people are sick, sick, sick. They need to be made prisoners, not prophets. Yuck.