Metaphor Derails, Kills Thousands

(2:171) The semblance of the infidels is that of a man who shouts to one that cannot hear more than a call and a cry. They are deaf, dumb and blind, and they fail to understand.

If he's dumb he can't shout, so it's the guy he's shouting at that is DD&B & can't understand. IOW, infidels are like somebody who shouts at people who are DD&B etc. Kind of dumb to shout at them, but then I've been known to shout at my my dog, computer, other drivers ....

On the other hand, those non-infidels don't come off looking too good. Who would infidels be shouting at? Non-infidels. Muslims: and muslims can't hear, can't see, can't understand. Is this really what you want to say, Mohammed?

The semblance of the koran is that of a book that uses Mad Libs to make similes.

Mohammed Loves Jews

Well well, looky here. Who might this be talking to?

(2:44) ... You also read the Scriptures, why do you then not understand?

Now see if we hadn't done our homework we'd think this was just talking about any old bible humpers or koran thumpers. But we did, and we found out all about Mo moving to Medina. We're onto you Mo. There's lots of Jews in Medina, where all your new cultists are from, so now you have to sell them. And keep in mind how it didn't work out too well in Mecca, talking shit about pagans when you lived with pagans, so maybe you better lighten up a little with the 'you're all doomed to hell' when you talk to the Jews now, hmmm?

Yeah, he's pitching the Jews all right. He never mentioned them before, he was all about hating on the polytheists, but now he's—

(2:47) Remember, O children of Israel, the favours I bestowed on you, and made you exalted among the nations of the world.

Line 123 is the same exact words, and he directly addresses the Jews like that at least six times in this chapter and talks about them a whole bunch more. He goes on about Moses, and he's oh SO NICE, tells how god forgave them for the golden calf episode (line 54), he gave them manna, and made water spring out of the rocks, bla bla, and then LOOK AT THIS:

(2:62) Surely the believers and the Jews, Nazareans and the Sabians, whoever believes in God and the Last Day, and whosoever does right, shall have his reward with his Lord and will neither have fear nor regret.*

WOW! Non-Muslims go to heaven; Whoo-ee. Did Osama bin Laden read this part? Seems like I remember moslems saying bad things about the Jews. Let's bookmark this line, coz how long do you bet we'll go before it gets bukaked and buttfucked?**

*note: Some of the most popular translators use parentheses to stick in extra words so it means the opposite—only muslims go to heaven.
*tip: you only have to wait till the next chapter, 3:85.

Mohamed says bad things about the Jews, like, they killed Jesus (72), worshiped a golden calf (51, 93), don't believe all the scriptures (86), don't believe him ... but it's the Jews he's talking to, and he's just telling them “YOU'RE SINNERS!” It's tried and true preacher mode. If a preacher can't tell his marks congregants they're sinners, how's he gonna fill the collection plate save their souls? Christian ministers'd be begging in the streets.

This approach wouldn't work too well with pagans, cause they never had any tradition of original sin, or books, apostles, revelation, any of that crap. It's made to order for Jews, though, who were lubed up and ready for the next prophet to come. Trick is for old Mo to convince them he Da Man. Can he do it? Will he get his money for nuthin and his chicks for free? Stay tuned.

Djinns Strike Again

No posts for a whole week, and of all my loyal readers, neither one complained. Ah, well; while my ego sulks in the back yard, lemme say that my computer has been down. Plus I broke my finger. Ever tried to type with a big old splint on your pinky? You can only hunt and peck, so now I'm a real pecker. People've been telling me that for years.

My boat goes on my car, and I was working on the car so now they're a matched set: last year I broke a finger working on the boat. That time I just fixed it myself—can't afford doctors—but it came out looking all bent up and don't work so good (my finger; the boat's fine). Thanks to Beethoven I have insurance now, so this time I went.

Officially, I have lacerations that're stitched up, holes that're drilled in my fingernail, and a hematoma that's subungal. Say that three times real fast: subungal subungal subungal. It's a bungle when you drop a car engine on your finger, lemme tell ya. It was unhooked from everything and I had my hand on it and all of a sudden it just fell over. Probly a djinn pushed it, yo. I didn't see what happened but I noticed it right away, when there was all blood and gooshy stuff coming out.

So I went to the emergency room, and felt pretty silly sitting there with all the accident victims and puking people. And the biggest, bloodiest, accident victim of them all came and sat next to me there on the bench and he said “What're you in for?” and I held up my little pinky with its itty little white bandage, and I said “Squashed mah finger” and they all moved away from me there on the bench; but the doctors sewed me up and didn't laugh, and they shot me up so there was almost an hour there when it DIDN't HURT. Oooh that was nice. Especially in the drilling part. Now I'm home and getting real good at this recuperating stuff. The web's up again, sucking my time, and my evil plan is to make more blog posts. Pecking.

Put the Cuffs on Jeanie

The Koran's in the news again. And guess what? It's something stupid again. This time a family in Saudi Arabia is taking a Genie to court. Seriously, they they filed a lawsuit against an unidentified (duh) djinn! Looking this up I stumbled over another case, this time it's Djinns who set fires.

Adam and Yves

Chapter 2:30-40 tell the story of Adam and Iblis. Again. I have never gotten the point of this. God tells Adam the names of everything, then he asks the angels the names. Being angels they're all suckuppy and just say they don't know, they don't say “How the fuck should we know? It wasn't us you just got done telling, dumbass, it was Adam” like you or I would. Already this is going off the rails. Then he tells Adam to tell them the names, and when he's done god turns to the angels and rubs it in:

"(2:33)Did I not tell you that I know the unknown of the heavens and the earth,”

What's up with that? Sounds like a snotty little third grade bully saying “See how smart I am; nyah nyah na-nyaa nyah”. Then he tells the angels to bow down to Adam. WTF, Why? Because he told him and not them? That sucks dromedary dick.

Muslims tell me it's a parable: Adam = humans; Angels = every other critter there is; humans are the master race because they know more. I'm not buying that. It's the same old same old; every religion's gotta be better than everybody else. In fact, that's about ALL religions do, and then go around “having dominion.” If you won't bow down they go all Old Testament on your ass. Three cheers for Iblis for being the only one with the nads to stand up for himself.

This happened before the Garden of Eden, unless you wanna pull that silly 'then' = 'moreover' bit. The koran says

(31) Then He gave Adam knowledge of the nature and reality of all things and everything

In that case, what's the point of the Tree of Knowledge? He already knew everything, including whether it was a good idea to eat the apple. He ate it so it must have been the right thing to do. God was saying “Don't eat this or you will learn what you already know.” Sure, that makes sense.

Adam wasn't alone in that garden, either. God told him “Both you and your spouse go.” Spouse, spouse, what was that name again? Steena, Steve, something like that ... oh yeah, Yves, that was it.

(* note: That French name, 'Yves', is pronounced exactly like 'Eve'. In case you dint know. )

Earth First!?

(2:29) He made for you all that lies within the earth, then turning to the firmament He proportioned several skies:

Got it: earth first, then skies. But wait,79:30 sez sky first, then earth.

79:27-30 Are ye the harder to create, or is the heaven that He built? He raised the height thereof and ordered it; And He made dark the night thereof, and He brought forth the morn thereof. And after that He spread the earth ....
2:29 He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens.

Oh, oh yeah, we already decided this wasn't a problem. Ch41 was all Earth First! too, remember, and it turned out 'then' is a translation of tumma It can mean 'after that', or it can mean 'also, moreover'; so they're off the hook.

But Oh Noes! We still don't know which was created first. Oh dear oh dear, what SHALL we do? We'll just look in the bible—it tells us they were both made on the same day (Gen2:4), but it still doesn't say which came first. Oh my, oh my, such a problem. I know, we'll look in THIS book:

Earth came last, dummies.

Singing the Quran

The Koran is in the headlines! Yay?
No; boo, hiss.

A musician in Iran used verses from the koran in his songs and they sentenced him to FIVE YEARS IN PRISON!

Double You Tea Eff?
Not all muslims do, but fuckwit-muslims say you can't sing the Koran. Here's the fatwa. Why not? Well, if you don't have paint you need to watch dry or anything else important to do, you could read this and find out, but I'll save you the trouble: It leads to adultery. Really it does, every time I hear Rihanna I run out in the street and start humping the first stranger I see. Just can't help myself.

The main thing they do with the koran is sing it! There's international competitions! Listen to this and tell me it's just conversational Arabic. Tell me a cop's going to sound exactly like that when he writes you a traffic ticket. Sorry, FAIL. Singing the Quran can be pretty though, and useful too. Here's one where you can listen to Ch2 and cure black magic at the same time, in case that's giving you troubles.

There's a special set of rules for quran reading that tell you how to sing it. It's called tajweed, and it's a whole industry. We're not supposed to call it 'singing', though, we're supposed to call it 'reciting', or else fundy muslim panties will knot up and wedgie them just oh to death, coz calling it 'singing' is rude and disrespectful and we should change the English language for them. Well, y'know what, buddy? It might be something else in Arabic, but in English it's singing.

Cashew OWNS this question here. Worth reading.

All the koran says about it is this one line, back in the earliest suras

(73:4) ... recite the Qur'an in slow, measured rhythmic tones.

The happines haters have taken that itty bitty pimple of advice, squeezed it and picked it and infected it so it grew into this whole festering pustule of idiocy. To them, I dedicate this song about the koran.

(If that player acts up try this quicktime link)

Faking It.

2:7-18

(2:8) And there are some who, though they say: "We believe in God and the Last Day," (in reality) do not believe.

... and man, god hates them motherfuckers. He spends the next twelve verses telling us so. He even illustrates, with the world's worstest metaphor.

(2:17) They are like a man who kindles a fire, and when its glow has illumined the air God takes away their light leaving them in the dark where they will not be able to see.

Ok, yeah, so let's see, a guy who pretends to believe is like some other guy who a) makes a fire, and b) has god take it away. Oh. How about he's like a camel that goes surfing and a shark eats him? Or how about this one? He's like a teacher who gets caught in a time machine, and goes back the the 7^th century, and TEACHES YOU HOW TO MAKE AN ANALOGY?

Anyhow, it's bad to fake it. So much for Pascal's wager, huh?

God put a Seal on my Heart

2:6-7

When I first picked up the koran and tried to read it, from the beginning y'know like it was a real book, this is as far as I got:

(2:6) As for those who deny, it is all the same if you warn them or not, they will not believe.
(2:7) God has sealed their hearts and ears, and veiled their eyes. For them is great deprivation.

He keeps saying this, so it must be important, but it's hard to figure out. If it won't make any difference, what's the point of warning anybody? Mo spends all his time warning people, so ... ???

If god sealed their hearts and all, god must want them that way. Trying to undo it is going against god's will. But god sent Mo to undo what he did in the first place, even though he knows it won't work .... ??? God is stupid? What?

Bafflegab!

I guess I got all obscure and shit on this post. It was talking about Ziauddin Sardar's explanation of 2:2. It's a perfect example of why I usually don't go with the muslim version of things. Every damn time the secular, or even christian, people give me logic and facts, up against Koranists who give me muddle headed, gibbering bafflegab (I like that word; too bad it's not obscene so I could use it more) like this.

In reading the opening verses of al-Baqara, we immediately come to a cautionary note. English translations of the Qur'an differ, each giving slightly different shades of meaning and implication - as pointed out by a number of correspondents, including Richard Kimber.

OK. Like some say “the furthest mosque” and others say “Jerusalem”. Pretty damn obvious what they're trying to 'imply'* with that. Cautionary, no shit. [* 'imply': v. to lie about].

It seems to me it is not a matter of picking one translation over another; it is more a case of seeing the various constructions of English words offered by different translators as highlighting the many implications and layered meanings of the text.

Woo, Bafflegab! LOL. It seems to ME a case of seeing which one of those translation is accurate, and which ones are trying to whitewash things.

The arabic is ----

So, our reading of the chapter begins with the self-assertion that this is the Book, the Sacred Text, or Divine Writ; a guidance from God -

Bullshit; it doesn't say any of that crap. All it says is: it's a book, and, there's no doubt in it.

(2:2) This is The Book free of doubt and involution, [Ahmed Ali]
[2:2] This is the Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt, [Yusuf Ali]
[2:2] This Book, there is no doubt in it, [Shakir]>

So half a sentence in he's claiming “that is the book” means “this is the Sacred Text of God”. Why not claim it means “Here's a taco” or “unicorns give good head”?

----snip----

OT, but this got me wondering why everybody translates “that” as “this”. Here's an explanation, sorta.

"Like as a person held in mean estimation is indicated by hadha which denotes a thing that is near, so, on account of its high degree of estimation a thing that is approved is indicated by dhalika, whereby one indicates a thing that is remote."

See? 'This' means something you don't like, and 'that' means something good. Oh those goddammed nuns. They told me 'this' for close, 'that' for far away, and I've been saying it that way all my life. What a sap I've been! Then there's this:

“Palmer translates the word dhalika as that, and thinks that its rendering as this is an error”.

He went ahead and wrote it even when he knew it was wrong? WTF? Granted, if you don't change it it sounds pretty stupid, but if that's what a bear shits, dude, you write “bear shit”, not “Teen Spirit”.

----snip------

Getting back to Sardar, he was all ... the chapter begins with the self-assertion that this is ... a guidance from God–of this we should have no doubt. Therefore, this is "the book in which there is no doubt". I cannot parse this. Unless he actually means 'the book claims it's from god, therefore we can't doubt it.' Can he mean that? Please say no.

The straightforward declaration that this is God's word [which it didn't declare; why not talk about those unicorns?] recognises the human capacity to doubt. Throughout, the Qur'an takes doubt seriously. Damn straight. You doubt Mo and your skin will burn off, you drink pus, ...pretty serious, all right. It is presented as a continuum which stretches from being an essential aid to belief Huh? Guess I haven't gotten to those chapters yet. So far it's just: doubt → burn in hell; ask questions → burn in hell. Rinse. Repeat. all the way to a blinkered determination not to believe under any circumstances. Doubt is a function of our free will; we are free to accept or reject belief in God who speaks to us through the Qur'an. If everything is preordained, and written in the big book in the sky, any free will we have is pretty much useless, but when just questioning it gets you hung by your tits, this is your idea of taking doubts seriously?

Repeatedly, the Qur'an engages with various kinds of doubt.[huh?] Oh, “engaged with” means “condemn to everlasting torment.” I get it. The CIA “engaged with” Sheik Mohammed.It offers arguments to test our doubts and arrive, by a rational process,ROFLMAO. “rational”. hee hee.at conviction in the uniqueness of the Qur'an, the truth of its origin and the guidance it contains.Giggle. 'rational conviction” Bwa ha ha. Snort.

For example, a little later in al-Baqara we read: "If you have doubts about the revelation we have sent down to our servant, then produce a single surah like it." (23)Now see right there I have doubts that just about anybody couldn't write a surah like it. No matter how shitty they were, a bunch of lines written on paper would be "like it". Voila. Harry Potter. Moby Dick. Facebook.

The distinctive use of Arabic language in the Qur'an, unlike any other Arabic text, makes it inimitable and is testimony to its authorship, to its being a work that in structure and scope is beyond human capability.Hey, this bit is so stupid I wrote a whole post about it; if you have doubts that I was right, then produce a single post like it. So there, smarty-pants; see, you're not the only one who can toss out meaningless little third grade taunts.

The text itself, when examined, questioned by a doubting mind, leads to the conclusion its origin is not human but a revelation of the divine. This thought entered my cortex, routed through the logic circuits, shorted them out, and emerged as “compressed blue unicorns weightlessly cavort in traffic buns of hopscotch”. Best I could do, sorry; but does it make any less sense than the original?

Believe the Unknown

Chapter 2:3

God likes people

(3) Who believe in the Unknown

Ah, but do we believe in the known unknowns or the unknown knowns or the unknown unknowns? The arabic word is ghaib, 'unseen'.

I found a detailed explanation of this here. In thousands of words, it says it's against the Quran to believe in the 'unseen'.(!!!!) I had to give up on it when synapses began exploding and axons ran screaming into dark corners to lie curled in the fetal position, sobbing. I am far stupider for having read that, but I did learn a new word in my research:

Bafflegab

 /ˈbæfəlˌgæb/ -noun.

confusing or generally unintelligible jargon; gobbledegook.

Send Hate Mail

Lately people are asking for my email address. I dunno what's so blamed important they can't say it in the comments, maybe it's Dick Cheney trying to get hold of me, all covert and all?

At any rate, my email address is now in the sidebar. Look for a little blue thingy. It's not a link so you'll have to type it in, but that's as good as you're gonna get. You wanna send me death threats you'll have to work a little. Thanks in advance.

Love n stuff

Doubt in the Quran

Chapter 2:1-2

This is as far as I got trying to read this in the usual way: pick up a Quran and start reading from page one. First is a silly little prayer that doesn't mean much, then you see this.
Line one: Three totally meaningless letters. You think "WTF?" and go on to
line two:

2) This is the Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt,

You think, "WTF², then what did those three letters mean?" and you look it up. The experts say "One obvious meaning of this verse is that this Book, the Qur'an, is undoubtedly from God. Another possible meaning is that ....."

Wait just a damn minute. Another obvious meaning is that this is horseshit. If there's no doubt in it why have the Mo-men been killing each other over it for a thousand years? If it's the Word of God®, why is it telling flat out lies?

Ziauddin Sardar explains it, by saying compressed blue unicorns weightlessly cavort in traffic buns of hopscotch.

Can't argue with that.

Context, ai haz it

YEE-HAA! We've finished the Meccan chapters. Everyone says the Medina chapters are different, and by different I mean worse, and that they cancel out the earlier ones.

The last four posts have figured out what was going on at the time, so now we know why they're different. We're all about context, beeyitches. Woot! Now we're ready to scale K2--that big scary 286-line 2nd chapter that starts the Medina ones.

What we don't know is, why the hell did they put this at the beginning of the book? What psychopathic, drooling on yourself thinking made them arrange the chapters in this order? I've been asking that since I started, and .... we have an answer! Doctor Ahmed has it figured out for us. It's a secret code. Looky here.

See, it says “Allah”. Finally, we have an answer. Well, yeah, it's a stupid answer, but we have to work with what we've got.

Mohammed's Magical Mystery Move

So three quarters of the way through the Koran, Mo has been a total dud at preaching in Mecca, and it looks like he'll fade off into obscurity as just another two-bit self-styled prophet, like so many many many others.

But wait! Since all the locals had him pegged for a whack job, Mo focused on pitching to people from out of town. He sold a few guys from Medina who were there on a pilgrimage, and when they came back the next year there were twelve of them. Mohammed, in a great burst of un-originality, drew up a list of ten “thous shalt”s for them to sign—the 1^st Pledge of Aqaba. It's like the ten commandments: No other gods, no adultery, don't steal, don't bear false witness, no infanticide; and get this one:

“We shall always follow you and obey your decisions.” HUH? That's not god they're promising to, it's Mohammed. How the fuck did he get them to agree to a thing like that, especially when he couldn't convince anybody else? There had to be something seriously wrong with those people.

Whatever it was, it worked, cause they came back the next year. This is 622, when people were throwing rocks at Mo and they had to sneak around in the middle of the night for a meeting, and guess what? This time there's 75 of them! That's more than Mo had his own self. Man, Lady Luck didn't just smile at him; she stripped, laid down, spread her legs, licked her nipples and moaned. Mo didn't hold back, he drew up the 2^nd Pledge, aka the “Pledge of War.” Basically, Mohammed agreed to move to Medina with them if they would agree to fight for him. One guy even warned them that "In swearing allegiance to him, you are pledging yourselves to wage war against all mankind", but they were all “We are men of war” HOO-AH! Fuck Yeah!

This is just another one of the intertribal alliances the Arabs lived by. The first thing Mo asked the Medinans was that they protect him “as they do their wives and children.” From who? His enemies were his own tribesmen, from Mecca; he betrayed his own kinsmen to join forces with another tribe. That was the worst thing you could do in 7^th C. Arabia, but I guess he had nothing to lose since by then they all hated him anyway. He learned the lesson of the Jesus in the Garden; none of this give yourself up to be crucified shit for this prophet, no sirree!

Then while the devil was packing up his soul and writing a receipt, Mo appointed twelve disciples to ride herd on the others. Why? Because “you are a surity for them, as the disciples were for Jesus, son of Mary, and I am for my people." OMFG, could he get any more transparent? He got an army, the army got a Jesus wannabe. Who falls for this shit?

Mohammed Gets Stoned

(Trippin' to Ta'if)

I'm probably an asshole, but I think this is pretty funny. Mohammed was having a tough time getting any converts in Mecca, so in 620 he gave up on it. He went to Ta'if, whch is about 50 miles away, and tried preaching there. Not only did they not listen, they ran him out of town and threw rocks at him. Seriously, they “pelted him with stones”. LULZ!

Ok, I've got a twisted sense of humor, but this is one story you won't hear from the Mohammedans when they go on about how perfect and wonderful their old prophet was. Makes him look like just another nut case, hmmmm?

The story even has a sequel. On the way back, he was naturally depressed and shit. Who wouldn't be, I mean, ten years shot in the ass and nothing to show for it? So he holed up and did some rethinking. In his case that means he's spraying to the lard, and guess what happens? No angels this time, instead a whole audience of Jinns turn up. He sees them listen in rapt attention as he preaches; sees them embrace his message; hears them cheer, feels them lift him to surf the crowd; he is vindicated by their squealing adoration; he autographs their panties.

Projection much? There's nothing like imaginary friends when you're feeling down, but c'mon. We saw this jinn bit in ch 72, but that was supposed to be revealed back the Mid-Mecca period, years ago, so WTF? It tells the story again in ch46, and the details don't match, so some people claim it's two different events. Whatever; it's just mo rationalizing, but the whole thing strikes me as kind of hilarious.

Intermission

Our story so far:
Way long time ago, Mecca was a big famous city out in the middle of nowhere. It was rolling in dough because it had a meteorite. With a flawless nose for marketing, they built the Kaaba around it and installed shrines to every god in the neighborhood, 360 of them, one for every day of the year. They always had a light on, like Motel 6. There were neighborhoods of Jews, and Christians, and religions you've never heard of, all hanging together and raking in loot selling tacky souvenirs to all the different kinds of pilgrims.

Next, a guy named Mohammed had some kind of mystical experience. It scared the shit out of him, till his wife convinced him he was a prophet, like Jews like her believed in. He started going around Mecca, preaching that everyone was an evil sinner and doomed to hell. The Meccans, naturally, were insulted and they mocked the shit out of him, but they left him alone to carry on, partly because he belonged to a rich family and his bigshot uncle stuck up for him.


To hear muslims tell it nowdays, the pagans tortured and killed them like the Romans did to the early Christians, but that's mostly bullshit. There was apparently one murder, and there were some fights and all, but the muslims started it. What did they expect? He ran around for ten years, preaching the overthrow of the powers that be. What would the Vatican do if you set up a soapbox and a bull horn in their Kaaba and started ranting “THE POPE SUCKS! CATHOLICS WILL BURN IN HELL!”? Think you could get away with it for ten years? Ha. Not to mention, what if you went to Mecca, like Richard Burton did? All the pagans did was laugh at him, offer to pay him off, and finally boycott him. Poor Poor Pitiful Mo.


He's not making converts, and every time he gets depressed he claims to have a revelation with god telling him “buck up bucko”(93:3-5)
When people keep calling him crazy, he has god appear and say he isn't (68:2).
When he is pissed at his personal enemies he has god appear and curse them (ch111)..
When he sucked at poetry, he had god condemn poets (26:224).
When he says something stupid, god comes and says it doesn't count. (satanic verses, anyone?)
When people got suspicious of how self-serving his little dribs and drabs of revelation were, Presto, god has an answer for that too: it was to strengthen their heart, like spinach (25:32).

Yeah, you can see why nobody will join his cult. Finally, he gives up and leaves town. Ahhh, but it's not over yet ...

The Fable of Atheism

1. In the beginning, the tribe of Hesed dwelt in the land; On a dark and stormy night, Hesed turned his gaze to the heavens and beheld the flashing of great lights, and to his ears came mighty roarings so that the earth shook. The people were sore afraid, and trembled.

2. And they beseeched Hesed, saying “What is this that shakes the earth, and lights up the sky?”

3. Hesed spoke to his people, saying “Verily, thy eyes tell you there are lights, and thy ears hear sounds, yet when is there a sound with no creature who maketh that sound? Surely there are great Things In The Sky that maketh such sounds, greater even than the snores of Oog.”

4. They cried out “O great Hesed, tell us who art these great T.I.T.S., for we see no one?” and Hesed replied they are not for our eyes to see, being holy, and way up there in the sky.

5. They cried out, “Great Hesed, we are filled with fear; for behold they have turned Numnutz, who climbeth the mountain, into a right crispy critter, verily.

6. Hesed answered, “The TITS who bringeth the lightning are called Zoose, the mighty one who lives in the sky. Though ye see him not, Zoose looks down on all the earth and sees all that ye do. When he sees that which displeases him, his all-seeing eyes shoot mighty blasts of light to destroy that which pisses him off, and His wrathful voice roars that all shalt know his rage. Truly, beware the mighty Zoose.”

7. The people cried out in fear and trembling “Holy shit, that's scary.” and Hesed spoke in a calm voice saying, “Have no fear, my people, for great Zoose hath appeared to me in a dream, and showed me what is pleasing to his eyes. Thou must simply pay me with great wealth and underage girls, that I might protect you from his righteous wrath.”

8. So it came to pass that the people bowed and followed Hesed, giving him part of all they possessed, and their daughters, that he bringeth them safety from the fearsome TITS. And so it was for many generations.

9. Every people beheld the lightning, and the thunder, and knew there were great TITS, and they called them 'gods'. Each tribe bestowed upon them a name, and told tales of how they made thunder and lightning, and what sacrifices they must pony up for their priests to keep them happy. The tribes, each in their day, said the others were wrong, and sinners, and killed them.

10. Stupiter was the name given to the gods by the tribe of Shesed, and they said that He worked a mighty forge in the heavens, whose sparks were the lightning, and thunder the sound of His terrible hammer as it struck.

11. They went into the land of the tribe of Hesed, where the people mingled; and they saw men of the tribe of Hesed give their crops and their daughters to the priests of Zoose, and they said “Why do you do this thing, for it is kind of dumb?”

12. Hesed gave them answer, saying “We give for the glory of Zoose, who lives in the sky and shoots the lighting from His all-seeing eye, whose voice is the thunder, and who will get you if you don't watch out.”

13. “Blasphemy!” cried Shesed, “Truly thou art an evil people. Stupiter is god's name; He works his mighty forge in the heavens, whose sparks are the lightning, and thunder is the sound of his terrible hammer as it strikes. Verily, thy TITS are fake.”

14. Thus arose enmity between Hesed and Shesed, even unto this day, and their people joined in and killed one another, and there was war throughout the land; War between the Zoosians and the Stupiterians; Then war with the Baalers, the Panners, the Mithrans,and the Ramans. After that war with the Zoroastrians, the Christians, the Moslems, and the Moonies.

15. It came to pass that a new tribe arose and prospered, taking for themselves the name Alecktrishens. They too beheld the great TITS, and named them a Leck-Trisidi, not one god but many, invisible, made of many lesser gods called Adams, each Adam served by yet lesser godlings called Aleck Trawns. And the Aleck Trawns were mighty and wrought great works.

16. Amongst the tribe of Alecktrishens were no priests, and they sacrificed not their beasts nor their virgin daughters, but protected their people with lightning rods instead. They feared not their god Leck-Trisidi, but served it with great awe and respect, except for a few dumb ones who stuck their fingers in light sockets, and that put the fear of god into them, verily.

17. The god Leck-Trisidi found pleasing the works of this tribe and served them well, blessing them with electric motors, neon lights, and telephones; and the people built Teevees and Peecees, as shrines at which to worship. And the tribe prospered.

18. Disbelievers there are who say “There are no gods.” How foolish! Behold they not the thunder and the lightning? Deny they that mighty invisible TITS cause these things, and all the heavens and the earth? Truly, we know that Leck-Trisidi is one such.

19. Some follow gods others than great Leck-Trisidi, yet truly they labor in the dark. Even when the godlings Aleck Trawn work wonders before their eyes, to bless them with HiDef, they give thanks instead to imaginary lords. They petition the lord with prayer and sacrifice, and hope these idols will do their bidding, but their prayers bring not a Peecee.

20. We who know petition the Alecktrons with magnets and wires, and a few choice swear words, and they do our bidding at will. Nay, their gods are but figments, while Leck-Trisidi truly is one of the great TITS, ruling together with her sister Magna-Tism, and holding dominion with the gods Graeviti, Strawgfors, and Weekfors, and their offspring Homio-stasis, Fodos-Intuhsus, Trancpir-Ayshin and many others.

21. Truly, only blasphemers say that these gods exist not, or rule not. Respect them; study them; follow them; abuse not the other tribes, nor the underage daughters.

Mohammed's Bad Year

I figured out the reason Mohammed's shit's been so lame lately. The last dozen or so chapters, really all the Late Mecca Period, the ones that have so been repetitious and boring, cover the years 619-622. Well shit, in 619 his wife died. When you've been married for 24 years, you're not gonna do your best work right after the funeral, even if you're a misogynist pig. So I'll cut old Mo some slack.

And that's not all of it. Moslems call this the year of sorrow, because the rich uncle that was protecting him, Abu Talib, he died too. Mohammed lost his Sugar Mommy and his Don Corleone in one swoop. Now he has to live on his own, hardly any followers, he's pissed off everybody in town and nobody has his back in case they decide to open a can of whoop-ass. No wonder his preaching sucked.

What's God?

So, ... the koran keeps telling me all about god. The Mo-men tell me it wrote a book, the Jesus people tell me it has a son. The atheists say it doesn't exist, the Hindus say it has different forms. Well, I have a question.

What is it?

What the fuck IS god, anyway?

Writers Block

Why no posts for a long time? Did I die? Is it The Return of Beethoven? Have I become a believer? No man, the next chapter is 236 verses long! I'm frozen in terror!

Besides, I'm trying to figure out Mo's Magical Mystery Move to Medina.