Medical Exam Fetish

Chapter 60: The Examination. Yikes!

Ever wonder what you'd do if a bunch of refugee women come fleeing to you from Mecca? Have no fear, the  koran has detailed instructions for just that case. God apparently thought this would be a common problem. Examine them, to see if they Beleeeve. Also make sure their men get paid the right amount. Robert Spencer sez all this was about Mo having the hots for one of them. Sounds right.

^60:10 ... When there come to you believing women refugees, examine (and test) them: ... But pay the Unbelievers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the guardianship of unbelieving women: ask for what ye have spent on their dowers, and let the (Unbelievers) ask for what they have spent (on the dowers of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah.

^60:11 And if any of your wives deserts you to the Unbelievers, and ye have an accession (by the coming over of a woman from the other side), then pay to those whose wives have deserted the equivalent of what they had spent (on their dower). And fear Allah, in Whom ye believe.

Mostly chapter 60 tells not to be friends with infidels...

^60:1 O ye who believe! Take not my enemies and yours as friends (or protectors),- offering them (your) love,

^60:9 Allah only forbids you, with regard to those who fight you for (your) Faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and protection). It is such as turn to them (in these circumstances), that do wrong.

^60:13 O ye who believe! Turn not (for friendship) to people on whom is the Wrath of Allah,

Turning the other cheek

Mohammed style

Nookie! (and beekeepers)

Merely More Major Misogyny from chapter 33:

[33:50] O prophet, we made lawful for you your wives to whom you have paid their due dowry, [that's the four or five he already had, including 6 year old Aisha] or what you already have, as granted to you by GOD [that means the slavegirls. I dunno how many, but it seems like enough]. Also lawful for you in marriage are (your 1^st cousins) which includes Zainab. Convenient, huh?]. Also, if a believing woman gave herself to the prophet [they're throwing their panties on the stage, they are]- by forfeiting the dowry - the prophet may marry her without a dowry, if he so wishes [prophets don't pay for no pussy]. However, her forfeiting of the dowry applies only to the prophet, and not to the other believers.[don't be getting uppity, bitches!] We have already decreed their rights in regard to their spouses or what they already have. This is to spare you any embarrassment [for your sluttiness].

There's also an advice column: Mo's Muddled Marital Musings:

[33:59] O prophet, tell your wives, your daughters, and the wives of the believers that they shall lengthen their garments.Thus, they will be recognized (as righteous women) and avoid being insulted.

Here's an idea. When you see a woman in a short skirt, DON'T INSULT HER. If she's not righteous, DON'T INSULT HER. You'll be surprised how much better life is when you're not an asshole.

[33:53] ... the prophet ... If you have to ask his wives for something, ask them from behind a barrier. This is purer for your hearts and their hearts. You are not to hurt the messenger of GOD. You shall not marry his wives after him, for this would be a gross offense in the sight of GOD. [wtf's that all about?]

[033:055]  There is no blame on them in respect of their fathers, nor their brothers, nor their brothers' sons, nor their sisters' sons nor their own women, nor of what their right hands possess;

??? respect of doing what? Translations are, 'speak freely', 'appear before them', 'speak unveiled', 'touching', 'relax their dress code'. I didn't see one that said “pick their nose” but it seems to fit as well.

That's it. Two verses—lengthen your garments and don't pick your nose—and they put half the population into beekeeper suits. Go figure. 

 

Deja Vu vu vu vu

News Item:

11/23/09. There's a sad sack rebel group in Yemen, and the Saudis bombed them. Muslim PANTIES throughout the world are in KNOTS! They bombed FELLOW MUSLIMS, instead of infidels! They bombed them during the HOLY MONTH! They're supposed to be the BESTEST muslims, from the Holy Mosque, and set a PERFECT EXAMPLE. How COULD they? The speaker of Iran's parliament staggered up off his fainting couch long enough to gasp this out:

“How can the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques of Islam [King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia] bring himself to permit the killing of innocent Muslims in the forbidden months?” (swoon)

uhhh, we've been here before, I think. Mohammed did it himself, the same goddamn thing. Don't these people even read their own scriptures? Those Yemenis were hindering, and oppressing. So it's ok to kill them.  Koran 2:217. God said. 

Thanksgiving Unprayer

On this day,
when Earth tilts away from the Sun
and the world lies dormant,
it's appropriate to pause for a moment
and express appreciation for all that we have.

To express awe and reverence for the
nuclear furnace that formed this planet from interstellar dust,
the natural processes that organized its elements
into the carbon we are made of, and water,
that enables life to exist, to reproduce itself,
to be mobile, and conscious,
so we are able to appreciate our good fortune.

To thank our predecessors who
developed eyes to see the sunrise,
ears to hear music,
brains to understand
and a society to share all this.

Thank our fellow beings,
who share this earth
and who produce the oxygen we breathe,
the food we eat, the medicines we need,
and provide us with companionship.

Thank our ancestors who
freed us from superstition,
learned about the world
and passed on their knowledge
so that we enjoy the luxuries of our modern lives.

On a personal level, we thank
our parents for bringing us into this world,
and those who are here to share this day with us,
and not least, this fellow creature,
who gave up its life
so that we might continue on
in this great cycle we celebrate.

the Trench

You know what's the worst thing? Well, reading this book is the worst thing, but next to that? A bad history teacher. They turn a super fascinating subject into an eye-bleeding list of who conquered whom. Or Who. Cares. They should teach sex ed. Teenagers would lose all interest. The birth rate would plummet.

(The quran, uzza, talk about the koran.) Oh, all right. I keep reading this shit, seeking The Lord's Eternal Message to Humankind, think I understand it, and then find out it's just reminiscing about some ancient old battle. I read all of chapter 33 and never realized it was talking about the Battle of the Trench.

I'd never heard of the battle of the trench, have you? No, not the Somme, or Verdun, it turns out somebody dug a ditch around a little piss-ant town in some desert once. That trench. That's the one god thinks is too important to leave out of his tweet.

Here's what it says

"Remember the enemy attack? You were scared shitless. Some of you wanted to haul ass, and would've switched sides if you could. You promised to fight. Hey, we all gotta die sometime. Some of you guys are chickenshit. Mohammed was a good example*, though, and God made the pagans leave without a fight. Then he terrorized the Jews so you could kill them and take everything they owned." (33:9-27)

here's what happened

The Meccans were fed up with the cult's piracy on the caravans, and sent an army up to Medina. The Mo-men dug a trench around the city, the pagans laid seige for 2-3 weeks, gave up and went home. Afterward, the Mohammedans rounded up their neighbors the Qurayzah tribe, beheaded all the 700 or or so men, took all the women and children as slaves, and took over all their houses and property. Details here. Mohammed got at least one of the women, name of Rayhana.

Why? Booty, man, booty! They stayed neutral in the battle, yeah, but they thought about backing the Meccans. Thinking bad thoughts about mo's cult is oppression, remember, and oppression is worse than killing. Besides, they were juice. Evil Juice.

Hard as I look, I can't find any justification for this massacre. The most I can find is that the Qurayzah were going to reject their nnon-agression treaty and switch sides, but they NEVER DID SO. History is written by the victors, right? and all this information comes from Mohammedan sources, so what actually happened has to be worse than what they wrote, and what they wrote couldn't be any worse. Once we know all that “context”, reading these lines is a whole lot different.

[33:25] GOD repulsed those who disbelieved with their rage, and they left empty-handed. GOD thus spared the believers any fighting. GOD is Powerful, Almighty.

[33:26] He also brought down their allies among the people of the scripture from their secure positions, and threw terror into their hearts. Some of them you killed, and some you took captive.

[33:27] He made you inherit their land, their homes, their money, and lands you had never stepped on. GOD is in full control of all things.

[33:61]Truly, if the Hypocrites, and those in whose hearts is a disease, and those who stir up sedition in the City, desist not, We shall certainly stir thee up against them: Then will they not be able to stay in it as thy neighbours for any length of time:
[33:62] They shall have a curse on them: whenever they are found, they shall be seized and slain (without mercy).

*[33:21] Ye have indeed in the Apostle of God a beautiful pattern (of conduct) 

I'll go take a shower now.

Your Wife's HOT!

(God told me to fuck her)

[33:53] O you who believe, do not enter the prophet's homes unless you are given permission to eat, nor shall you force such an invitation in any manner. If you are invited, you may enter.

What the hell? God, the dude's dead, remember? Why are you telling us this?
We need to know about ...

  THE STORY OF ZAINAB.  

Read this comic. It tells the story better than I ever could. Watch for verse 53, and 36-38 are in there too.   Check out little 9 year old wife Aisha. FTW!

I'm God!

So you're at work or somewhere and the boss spouts off with a gem like this,

“If I give an order, nobody has any choice but to obey it.” Rant rant. “I can never do anything wrong.”

what would be your reaction? You'd laugh your ass off, right? And say “Who died and made you god?”and “Sod off, you fucking egomaniac” and shit like that? I wanted to write some [uncontrollable mocking guffaw], but how do you spell that? Something like BWAHAHAHAHAAAA? Because look at this:

[33:36] No believing man or believing woman, if GOD and His messenger issue any command, has any choice regarding that command. Anyone who disobeys GOD and His messenger has gone far astray.

[33:38] The prophet is not committing an error by doing anything that is made lawful by GOD. Such is GOD's system since the early generations. GOD's command is a sacred duty.

Talk about ego. I could see it if he said that about god, but that's not what he's saying. “And his Messenger?” Eat me. Nobody has any choice but to obey his messenger? BWAHAHAHAHHAA.

That's how it always is with prophets. Give them an inch and they take a galaxy.What a dick.

GRAWRRGH!

Some minor crazy from chapter 33

[33:9] O you who believe, remember GOD's blessing upon you; when soldiers attacked you, we sent upon them violent wind and invisible soldiers. GOD is Seer of everything you do.

ROFL. People believe this shit? Invisible soldiers! Were they on invisible bicycles, too? Were they kittehs? Wif big scary teef and clawz? FEERSSS! GRRAOWL!

These aren't the first invisible soldiers we've seen. Well, not 'seen' exactly since they're invisible, and figments of Mohammed's imagination to boot, but heard of. Invisible figments, they get +2 Invisibility. The giggling started back in chapter 8 when he was splitting up the loot from the Battle of Badder, he told his peeps

8:9 Remember ye implored the assistance of your Lord, and He answered you: "I will assist you with a thousand of the angels, ranks on ranks."

Go, Dude! Don't worry, I've got your back. Well, not me really, but some figments. Invisible figments. Lots of them. Like, a thousand. When he mentions it again in the very next chapter there's even more.

3:124. Remember when you said to the faithful: "Is it not sufficient that your Lord should send for your help three thousand angels from the heavens?

3:125. Indeed if you are patient and take heed for yourselves, and the (enemy) come rushing at you suddenly your Lord will send even five thousand angels on chargers sweeping down."

One thousand, three thousand, five thousand, do I hear ten thousand? Lol, it grows with the telling. Poor Allah must be busting his ass up there rewriting his guarded tablet every time somebody retells this story. Let's see, it's been 14 centuries, by now I bet there's a bazillion bazagamillion angels. On chargers. Invisible ponies too.

Don't forget the LOOT!

[33:25] GOD repulsed those who disbelieved with their rage, and they left empty-handed. ...
[33:26] He also brought down their allies among the people of the scripture from their secure positions, and threw terror into their hearts. Some of them you killed, and some you took captive.
[33:27] He made you inherit their land, their homes, their money, and lands you had never stepped on. ...

Bling, Bling. There we go again with the loot. Loot fascinates this guy. Ethics, like whether it's moral to kill people and take them captive and steal all their stuff, not so much. I'm just saying. He's got such a hard-on for booty he wrote—oh excuse me—god revealed to him—a whole chapter on how to divide it up. Here's an idea: use all that money to help the refugees and survivors. You know, the ones you're taking captive and selling for ransom? Those.

[33:72] We have offered the responsibility (freedom of choice) to the heavens and the earth, and the mountains, but they refused to bear it, and were afraid of it. But the human being accepted it; he was transgressing, ignorant.

ROFL. The mountains are afraid! Those scaredy-cat mountains, they never do anything. They just sit there, being all big and stuff. I ain't skeered of no mountains. I'll ride my invisible pony right up on them. GROAAWR!  .

Sloppy Seconds

Chapter 33, did he really say what it looks like he said?

33:37 ... When Zeid was completely through with his wife, we had you marry her, in order to establish the precedent that a man may marry the divorced wife of his adopted son. ...

My first thought was, “Damn, that translation is the suck!”  Translators have a tough job, and you never know how words are going to change a few years down the road, to make you look stupid. My favorite: a famous linguist: “Some words can be either nouns or verbs, but not all; “The word 'fist' can never be used as a verb.”

So I took all my sympathy to the koran browser, and this is what I found. 

[Pickthall]:  ... when Zeyd had performed that necessary formality (of divorce) from her, We gave her unto thee in marriage, so that (henceforth) there may be no sin for believers in respect of wives of their adopted sons, when the latter have performed the necessary formality (of release) from them

So it means divorce, I guess, but why are all these other translators saying shit like this:

[Palmer:]... and when Zaid had fulfilled his desire of her ... and ... adopted sons when they have fulfilled their desire of them:
[Arberry:]  ...So when Zaid had accomplished what he would of her, ... and ... when they have accomplished what they would of them;
[Shakir:]  ... when Zaid had accomplished his want of her, ... and ... their adopted sons, when they have accomplished their want of them;
[Al-Hilali & Khan:]  ... So when Zaid had accomplished his desire from her ... and ... when the latter have no desire to keep them (i.e. they have divorced them) ...

Ahhh, that explains it. “Divorce” is something you do to your “wife” when you don't want it anymore. Now I understand.

Somebody, somewhere, is a fucktard. I dunno if it's the translators, or Mohammed, or maybe it's Allah, but somebody is a fucktard. Maybe it's all the people who take this shit seriously and think its some big profound example of how to think.  Yeah, that's where I'd put my money. 

A Riddle

Quran 3:28 reminds me of a famous riddle.

The answer is,

. . .

3:28 Let not the Believers take for friends or helpers Unbelievers rather than believers: if any do that, in nothing will there be help from God: except by way of precaution, that ye may guard yourselves from them. But God cautions you (To remember) Himself; for the final goal is to God.

Robert Spencer says this line is the basis for taqiya, a.k.a. Lying for Allah. Who What? Well, Islam teaches that it's all right to lie if you're talking to an infidel, and in another flash of the blindingly obscure, they get that from this line. Spencer's one of those perverted, cowardly Islamophobes, but y'know what? It's true. Here's a video with important people telling about it; they're boring, that's how you know they're important, but skip to 3:47 where an ex-terrorist tells how he used to do it. They lie like rugs, srsly.

So here's the riddle: You want to know if Islam is a religion of peace. There are two muslims, who can tell you. You don't know which one is a truth teller and which one is practicing taqiya ...

Update: Here's an example, and an ex-muslim's take on it.

Jihad Verses

There are people who say the quran is a war-mongering piece of hate speech. Oh yeah? Well, look at these verses.

3:28 don't be friends with unbelievers

3:118-120 ditto

3:151 “we shall strike terror into the hearts of the unbelievers”

3:112 “degraded they shall live”   Wtf???(ppl of the Book; = perverts & cowards)

3:142 you only get to heaven by fighting

3:156-8 more calls for jihad

3:165-8 more jihad calls

3:195 clear call for martyrdom !!

3:195. ... And those who were deprived of their homes or banished in My cause, and who fought and were killed, I shall blot out their sins and admit them indeed into gardens with rippling streams." -- A recompense from God, and the best of rewards is with God.

Hmmm,

The.Calcutta Quran Petition said it was hate speech. Geert Wildersdid. The Happy Heretic says it is under Canadian law. Religion of Peace says it is. Winston Churchill said it was another Mien Kampf. The LA School District did. ........

The question is, are these people right?

And another question is, do fish shit in the sea?

More Bloodshed

3:155 Those of you who turned back on the day the two hosts Met, - it was Satan who caused them to fail, because of some (evil) they had done. But God Has blotted out (their fault): For God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Forbearing.

What the hell is god's perfect and complete book talking about now? Day two armies met: lemmee see, Stalingrad? Ypres? Normandy? Appotomax? Risk? WoW?

my notes =

140-1 WTF. God is insane, Obviously.

153 ???

154....wtf

This whole part is about the Battle of Uhud, as it turns out. 

March 625, about a year after Badr, the Meccans were sick of this sand pirate cult preying on the trade routes, so they sent a real army, and a great big old can of whoop-ass. The cult had the high ground, and they were winning until the Meccans left their camp unguarded. The Mohammedans dropped their weapons and ran off to start looting the camp, so the pagans kicked their asses. LULZ.

Mo had serious ass to chew. Naturally, he didn't just say “follow orders next time, fuckers” he put it all in god-garble, with a lot of WIL, JAC, and GWFYU. And that became the middle of chapter 3.

the Big Bad Battle of Badr

The Battle of Badr, March, 624.  I was too disgusted to notice but ch 8 was all about this battle too. Hey, one little murder won't get you enough loot to write a whole chapter about.  This is the big time, baby.  Right after their first successful terrorist attack on the caravans, another one comes from Syria with 30-40 guards, so Mo rounds up 300 guys. Wow, he could never do that in Mecca. Nothing makes your theology believable like passing out stolen loot, hmm?

Naturally, since these guys were passing by, minding their own business, the Righteous Men of Allah (sarcasm tag on? good.) drew up a plan to ambush them by the wells at Badr.
It turns into a clusterfuck when they can't keep it secret, the caravan splits, the Meccans get wind of it and send an army, and there's a crappy little battle. The Meccans weren't really into it, the caravan being gone and all, so they lost. The Mo-men took a few prisoners, threw the dead Meccans into the wells (wtf?!) and went back. No serious loot yet, notice, but don't lose faith in Mighty Mo. He went to the Jewish section of town and told the Qaynuqa tribe they had to join his cult. (They were rich jewelers and goldsmiths, but that has nothing to do with anything at all. I don't know why I mentioned it.) They said no, so he besieged them. Look on the approved list of debate tactics, you'll find “besiege” about halfway down. Just to help out, god handily sent lines 3:10-13,

3:10  Those who disbelieve will never be helped by their money, nor by their children, against GOD. They will be fuel for Hell.
3:11  Like Pharaoh's people and those before them, they rejected our revelations and, consequently, GOD punished them for their sins. GOD is strict in enforcing retribution.
3:12 Say to those who disbelieve, "You will be defeated, then gathered in Hell; what a miserable abode!"
3:13 An example has been set for you by the two armies who clashed - one army was fighting in the cause of GOD, while the other was disbelieving. They saw with their own eyes that they were twice as many. GOD supports with His victory whomever He wills. This should provide an assurance for those who possess vision.

which are prophet-babble for “god wants me to kill you and steal your shit”. They surrendered, he ran them out and took over their houses and stuff, cause hey they were just sitting there empty. There was around 2000 people, so that explains why god needed a whole chapter about stolen goods. He's all fair and just, allah is.

This battle's real important, cuz the muslims won, and that proved god was on the side of the muslims. Cuz god don't back losers. That's why the Six Day War .... uhh ... the Yom Kippur War ... hey look penguins.  Also Abu Jahl got killed. Remember him? Camel guts?  Well, when Mo's uncle died, he took over running the tribe in Mecca, just to make Mo's Year of Sorrow suck even harder. Now he's dead, Abu Sufyan takes over, and he had no beef with Mo. In fact later he surrenders Mecca to them, but no fair peeking ahead. If I have to slog through all this so do you.

So there it is, the perfect human setting his 'Divine example for men and women of all ages'. 

Koranic Sign Language

Hallelujah, brother. The Quran talks about Jesus for twenty or thirty lines starting at 3:33. Line 55 says he died a natural death, and he didn't rise from the dead neither, so suck it, Christians. Nyah nyah. Mo got a lot of his stuff from old Jewish stories, like the Gospel of James, cuz how was he gonna know which books would get included in the bible later? It's not like he's some kind of prophet who could tell the future. Oh, wait.

Anyhow, the Infancy Gospel of Thomas tells how the baby Jesus, when he was just a little boy, 'bout up to his daddy's knee, he breathed into some clay birds and made them come to life. Who could doubt that? I knew muslims believe in the bible, so I Wikipedia'd Islam's holy books (yeah I'm lazy), and they mention a bunch of other books I've never heard of, but not these ones.

This chapter is called 'the family of Imran'. He was the father of Moses, but line 35 says his wife was Mary's mother. I ran my laser eyes over this whole same story back in chapter 19, and I didn't even notice this, but if these are the same people somebody'd have to be 1400 years old. Y'see how observant I am? It's controversial. I don't care.

Here's something else to not care about. Zacharaiah was Mary's gaurdian, and he asked the Lard for a sign, and the Lard agreed to send him a sign, and guess what it was? Split the heavens? Nah. Sprout a beer volcano? Nah. Get this, are you ready? His Powerfulness tells old Zach what

3:41. ... "The token will be," was the reply, "that you will speak to no man for three days except by signs.

LMFAO! Talk about cheap-ass Dollar Store omens, his crappy token was an order to keep his mouth shut. Lazy slacker Lord couldn't even be bothered to get up off his godly ass and strike him dumb even, he had to do it himself. So wtf, talking in sign is a token from the lawrd? LOL, I've gone for weeks at a time doing that, and nobody ever got pregnant. Hell, I know deaf people who spend their whole life talking in sign. They'd be popping out babies like a popcorn machine!

Naturally I looked for the koran in sign language, and I had a helluva time finding it. The Islamic Research Academy says you can't translate the Koran into sign, so I guess that means all my deaf friends will go burn in hell, and they're fine with that. FUCK YOU Islamic Research Academy. I managed to find the first sura in British SL, but I can't view it. I never noticed it before, but the BSL sign for the letter Y looks like an ASL word for clitting off, LOL. Thought I'd share.

Back to being dignified, here's a prayer in Saudi Sign Language. 

It's from the SignWriting website, which is nerdy fun.

Finally, I found somebody signing the koran! Hooray! It's Arabic SL, so I can't understand what he's saying, but it looks pretty cool anyway. Turn the sound off to watch it; those cats mating in the background are really distracting.

I'm Halal!

There's this search engine that filters out sites that are Haram (forbidden).  Is that me?  Nope, I'm fucken Halal, ain't that the shits? I felt pretty smug till I found out Pichunter is  Halal, too. So is Cliphunter, but Youporn had a Haram level of 3 out of 3, so I beat them at least. What the hell, are Muslims spozed to watch pornography but only certain types? I'll have to watch for mentions of this in upcoming chapters.
(*ROFL; the youtube video 'Fuck Islam' is Halal.)
(**p.s. "Ham Recipes" is Halal, too. ROFLMAO.  Immaturity, ai haz it.)

Here's my film rating

from here.

 This site tests my readibility. It gave me a 12, which puts me up there between the Times and Wall Street Journal.  WHOOO, I'm highbrow!  Uhh, not so much, it's an 8th grade reading level.

Somewhere, there's a website that rates blogs by how much profanity they use. I think I remember getting a high score on that, I wish I could find it again.




**Update:  Thanks to Baal's Bum of Anal Iced Bible  fame, below in the comments, I found it.  Results at right. Click the meter to find your own score. 

I'm more wholesome than Rude Pundit (69.7%) or Annotated Rants (100%).

Abrogoricals

Chapter 3, line 7, some verses are allegorical. Huh????

3:7 He has sent down this Book which contains some verses that are categorical and basic to the Book, and others allegorical ...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. JUST HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. Some are allegorical? 

Jesus Christ, it wasn't bad enough that some of them are abrogated, and you don't know which ones, or know what they might be replaced by, now I find out that even if I get lucky and guess the right one, it still might be just an allegory?

Yup. That's right. See?

... But those who are twisted of mind look for verses metaphorical, seeking deviation and giving to them interpretations of their own;

The shit? My twisted mind is looking for the ones that aren't motherfucking metaphors, AND YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME, you fucker. So I might should do what it says, because I'll burn in hell if I don't, unless it's abrogated, or an allergy. Well what are they allergories FOR? No one knows, only god. See, it says flat out

... but none knows their meaning except God;

FFS, how much more clear can you make it? Some of your instructions DON'T MEAN A GODDAM THING, and there's NO WAY TO TELL IF THEY DO OR NOT. Sorry to shout, but Christ on a rubber crutch, did you sit around brainstorming ways to make this book totally fucking useless? You couldn't have done better.

Way I see it you got five possibilities here, so old Allah's giving you a 20% chance of doing what he wants, no matter what you do. Shit, sheer random chance gives you 50-50 odds. Just do whatever the fuck you want and you'll have a better chance of getting to heaven than this Koran shit gives you. You'll improve the odds by 30% and eat bacon while you're at it. Jeezuz!

Happy HallowEid

Yesterday was Halloween. Did the usual: went to see a child molester in fancy robes with arcane symbols, who performed obscure rites to invoke denizens of the other world, and compelled them to unleash their powers to magically transform our dinner into the flesh and blood of a real corpse, which we then cannibalized, all the while engaging in masochistic rituals of patellar abuse. It was fun.

For some reason, though, the Christians say it's Eeeeevil!!! As usual I wondered what the Holy Book® said about it, so I went to Islamweb to get the Islamic Perspective. Hilarity ensued.

This is a serious matter and one not to be taken lightly, sez Mr Unidentifed, and a continuous war must be waged against all customs and practices which originate from societies' ignorance
Yes, it's war. War, I tell you, against the customary use of the possessive 's. And why is that? It's because

Islam has strongly forbidden Muslims from following the religious or social customs of the non-Muslims, especially those of the idol-worshippers or those who worship the devil.
There you have it. Proper spelling is devil-worship. Doa'nt doo et evvur..

Halloween is one of the worst celebrations due to its origins and history. It is Haraam (forbidden) to partake in such a practice, even if there may be some seemingly good or harmless elements in it, as evidenced by a statement from the Prophet : "Every innovation is misguidance, even if the people regard it as something good." [Ad-Daarimi]
No matter how good it is, any innovation is Haraam. Vaccines? Haraam! Anesthesia? Haraam! Electronics? Haraam! Flush toilets? Haraam! You're just imitating the infidels, y'see, and that's—you guessed it—Haraam!

Muslims are enjoined to neither imitate the behaviour and customs of the non-Muslims, nor to commit their indecencies. Behaviour-imitation will affect the attitude of a Muslim and may create a feeling of sympathy and God help us if we ever start having sympathy for one another. A muslim, sez he, should not be a blind imitator. LOL, the irony, it's inside the wire! Don't forget that
Prophet Muhammad said: The Final Hour will not come until my followers imitate the deeds of the previous nations and follow them very closely" [Al-Bukhaari] Which just confused me, because the previous people were pumpkin-carving pagan polytheists, so if we imitate them, which we mustn't do,,,,,Head-KaBloowey!!! He only cites the hadith, never the quran, but whatever it means,

We have established, beyond a doubt, that the celebration of Halloween is absolutely forbidden in Islam - it is Haraam.
And by “we”, he means him, Mr. Notenuf Nads to Namehisself, but hey we get the drift. Haraam!!, right? What to do? What to do?

... leave the front lights off and do not open the door. Educate your neighbours about our Islamic teachings. Inform them in advance that Muslims do not participate in Halloween, and explain the reasons why. (Give them a copy of this article if needed.)

Ah, shit! Now we'll have Moslems pounding on our doors along with Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. Fortunately, most Muslims seem to think all this is just as silly as I do. What they don't realize is that this whole thing could be actually a terrorist plot. Be afraid amused, be very amused.