All Hail Her Noodly Goodness

All my life I've heard “There is no god but allah blah blah” and then in Chapter 50(v33) it says to worship Rahman! WTF?? It turns out there's a whole Chapter (55) named Ar-Rahman, that says “Ar-Rahman bestowed the Qur'an and created man (55:1-3)”. What the hell?—what happened to “no god but Allah”?

Rahman was one of the gods of the old Pre-moslem Arabs, popular down south in Yemen. He was a completely different god from Our Ramen. The Arabic word for god was 'lah', and al or ar is the definite article in Arabic, like English the, so if you wanted to say “the god” like there's only one, you stick that in front so it's Al-Lah. That's what Christians call god in their Arabic Bibles. The old time Meccans had a guy they called al-Lah, who was like the boss god who never really did much, and they aimed all their praying and stuff at the other 359 gods they had. So there was Rahman and Allah, two different gods. So what's Mo on about?

Every koran chapter I have to erase the first line, because it's not really part of it. It's the Bismillah. or Basmala, supposedly added by Mohammed. Everybody translates it different ways—here's two;

In the name of god, The Merciful, the Compassionate.
In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful.

In Arabic it's: 'Bismillah, Ar-Rahman, Al-Rahim'.

Now to me, that just means that Zeus or Lah or whatsisname is merciful and compassionate. (excuse me while I check to see if we're reading the same book). That never seemed to mean much. It like a guy who jacks off to Eva Longoria. On her would make sense, although you have to wonder what Eva had to say about it, but to her? I guess it means what you think about while you do whatever you do. In the bismala you don't do anything, because it's not even a sentence. Those are just two adjectives, to describe Dios, Dieu, Gott, etc., is what I thought.

FAIL! Turns out these are two of the 99 names of god. Here are some: Rahman is in the Qur’an 159 times; Rahim 220; Hakim 'Wise', 86; Qadir 'Powerful', 31; and Huva 'He', 26; as in the phrase “There is no god, but He”. Just a damn minute--“he” is a name?” Even that meaningless letter qaf in chapter 50 gets translated as 'god'. ROFL!

None of this is making any sense, but here's a reasonable explanation. When Mo came along, he decided Al-lah wasn't just the boss god, he was the only god. But he couldn't keep his story straight, and he slipped up and called god Rahman sometimes. His dudes weren't buying that shit. They caught him reciting the bismala, and called him out on worshipping the Yemeni gods, the fucking hypocrite. So guess what old Mo did? Apologize on Fox News and enter a treatment program? Nah, you guessed it; good old convenient God sent down a revafuckinglation, 7:180 'Call upon Allah or call upon Rahman: by whatever name ye call Him, it is well: for to Him belong the Most Beautiful Names.” What a pal. And his followers were too dumb to ask why he didn't say that in the first place. Typical cultists. So I guess we can use any word, as long as it's beautiful. I nominate “Cunt”. I think cunts are lovely and deserving of respect, and it would make a lot more sense to worship a Great Cunt of Heaven than that asshole in the koran.

Ramen!