Dumbest comment ever

Simon Singh wrote this fantastic article “White Noise Christmas”, on the awesomeness of the Universe, and some soulless brain-dead Christain piped up with this

JOES4EVER
who cares about one star when there's millions of them. but there's only one Jesus

Also, is onlee one 'most pathetic person in the world', and u is it.

Guilty Acts

The Lord makes footstools of your enemies

Shit, lots of it. Bored out of me by the first 250 pages of the bible. To not know the story of Jesus you'd have to live in the backwoods of Kyrgyzstan, or Mars, but now I'm getting to new stuff, in ACTS 2-3. JC is dead and gone, the apostles are convinced they've seen his ghost, and---Let the Scamming Begin! To fire up the crowd, they shut their frontal lobes off and babble random syllables, softening up the marks up for Peter's speech. He quotes the bible a lot, says he's going to make footstools of his enemies (!), and it sells, they sign up 3,000 people without even a cheap PA system. To reach that back row Peter'd need to put out 126 decibels, right up there with the loudest rock bands in the world. Hell of a set of lungs on that guy.



Next up, Peter heals some guy who's been crippled all his life. This seems like a problem, doesn't it make Jesus a little less special? If miracles are a dime a dozen, that anybody can do, then Jesus is not all that. Plus we've still got the problem that a guy outperforms every medical expert on earth and the world doesn't beat a path to his door. Does that only work for mousetraps? Anyway, Petey gives another speech, but doesn't do as well this time even with the great opening act. He blamed his audience for killing Jesus, which might've been the dealbreaker. He's learning as he goes.



That whole collective guilt thing always makes me think of Nazis. Jesus always harped on that theme, too, is why I never liked him. Andy, over at Laughing in Purgatory tells me it's not just Nazis and Jesus, it's the publishers of the fucking Bible. “Principle of Corporate Identity” WTF? I had to look it up, and fuck me if the christstains really don't pimp this as being something good! “You better behave little Johnny, or I'll beat the living crap out of your sister.” I guess it follows, what with the whole Adam and Yves Original Sin business. I'm so naïve.

Sleep With a Protester!

Don't know if this link will work, but Olympia, Washington, 26 degrees F, with snow. That may not sound bad to people in Minnesota or Iqaluit, but believe me, in the Pacific NW this counts as Srsly Bad Weather. Fuck the weather, 2500 people showed up (and ran off the 200 teabaggers the oppos had bussed in) to support the protests in Wisconsin.  Look at all these pictures, how smiling and happy everybody is?  Can't help noticing the cop on the right in this pic, comparing it to the G20 thuggery last year.

It's not just the US, here's the chalkboard at Ian's Pizza in Madison WI. The protestors are freezing their asses off over there, and people  are calling in to have hot pizza delivered, from all over the WORLD--you know, like all those horrible Muslim places like Egypt ...  

Anarctica?!?!?

Speaking of Egypt, the cops there joined demonstrators, and oooh, looky look what the Wisconsin police told Boss Walker when he wanted them to clear the Capitol.

“Law enforcement officers know the difference between right and wrong, and Governor Walker’s attempt to eliminate the collective voice of Wisconsin’s devoted public employees is wrong,” continued Palmer. “That is why we have stood with our fellow employees each day and why we will be sleeping among them tonight."

Maybe there's hope for this country yet.

Who's your God?

OK, God doesn't exist, right? Well, Arabs say God is Allah, and he doesn't exist; Christians say God is Jesus, and he doesn't exist; North Koreans say God is Kim Jong Il, and … uhhh ...

In the DPRK, the state religion is Juche, and according to it, 

Kim Il Sung is God the Father, Kim Jong Il is God the Son, and Juche is God the Holy Spirit.

You can hardly say that Kim doesn't exist, unfortunately, you can only argue that he's not a god. But: Asian cultures have their own notions of what a god is, not informed by our Judeo-christian culture, and to impose our definition on their term would be equivocation. Just saying he's different from the common Western idea of God isn't even disagreeing with them. So, how are they wrong? 

Kim Jong Il, a living deity

Skeptifem answered

It wouldn't be so hard- the onus is on the person who asserts that kim jong il is somehow better than everyone else. Assuming he's just some dude is the null hypothesis.

That's probably the best approach. Seems safe to say that a god has to be better than humans, or at least different. You can't say KJI isn't different—an ordinary dude doesn't have the power of life or death over millions of people who worship him and pray to him. The argument would have to be that any ordinary dude, put in his position, would be just like him, that there is nothing special about him except the circumstance he found himself in.

But is this true? It's easy to think of some other personality in his position. What about you? If you were in his shoes, would you make North Korea into a model democracy, or a benevolent dictatorship, or would you be just as big a dick as KJI? I'd probly abdicate the throne and go buy a little private island.

So there is something special about him. Whether that makes him a god is a matter of opinion. 

Now this other guy, no question.

Seed Bombs

Bombings in Buenos Aires! Don't panic though, this time it's all good. It's the Articultores (art-gardeners) a group dedicated to improving the city by turning vacant spots into gardens. Their bombs are little balls of clay with flower or vegetable seeds inside--seed bombs. They lob them over fences or into places that are hard to get to.

This is a great idea.  If we're gonna have bombs, let's have this kind.  Here's how easy it is to make your own.

And Wow; it's not just Argentina, there's a whole movement.  Why did I not know about this? 


Award for Best Comment, on a forum I can't link to (boo hiss), after people worried that the soil in the vacant lots might be contaminated

"Food is grown in contaminated sites all of the time. We call it conventional farming."

LULZ. 

New Error discovered in Genesis

This should really embarrass the shit out out of some people, if God junkies could be embarrassed.  An old clay tablet from Babylonia has turned up, that tells the story of Noah's ark, and  it's dated to 1700BC. That makes it older than the Dead Sea Scrolls by about 15 centuries, and who you gonna believe--the original, or some cheap knockoff from 1500 years later? 

Here's the kicker: in this one, the Ark is round!  The Bible got it wrong. 

"Draw out the boat that you will built with a circular design; Let its length and breadth be the same."

LULZ!  Now all these guys'll have to tear up their old models and rebuild. Sucks to be them.

This isn't as silly as it sounds, akshully.  Why put a bow and stern on the thing, it's not like he was going to tow water skiers. It would make more sense to just build a big raft. Plus, they have a tradition of round boats over there, that's one in the picture.   They used them to paddle around.

This cracks me up

Party Like it's 1916

Celtic Punk may be your thing, or not, but you could do worse than to listen to Dropkick Murphys.  They just released a new song in support of the protests in Wisconsin, "Take 'Em Down" from their new album.  

Here's the band's announcement on their own site,

here's a website from the SEIU telling all about it, with links to send them a message of support. T-shirts even!

And here's the song, set to video footage taken of the Wisconsin protests.

the lyrics

"Take 'Em Down"

When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash them to the ground
Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down

When the boss comes callin' you'll be on your own
When the boss comes callin' will you stand alone?
When the boss comes callin' will you let them in?

When the boss comes callin' will you stand and fight?
When the boss comes callin' we must unite
When the boss comes callin' we can't let them win

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash 'em to the ground
Let em know

We gotta take the bastards down

We gotta take the bastards down

When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash 'em to the ground
Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down

---------------------------------------------

Time to  party like it's 1916.

Act 2

After Mathias gets jumped into the gang in Acts 1, in Acts 2 the holy ghost comes. Joke Time!

An old time preacher had a little gimmick he used in his services. He'd have a little kid hide in the rafters with a white dove. When he got the congregation all worked up good he's lift up his arms and yell out “Come down, Holy Spirit, come down!” That was the kid's cue to let the bird loose, it would fly down and land on the preacher's shoulder, and the crowd would go wild.
One night, he yelled out “Holy Spirit, come down!” but nothing happened. He yelled it again, louder. No bird. “COME DOWN, HOLY SPIRIT!!!” Still no bird. Finally the kid stuck his head out: “Preacher, the cat done ate the Holy Spirit, you want me to send the cat down?”

That joke's been stuck in my head ever since elementary school.

This is hard to beat; See, the Holy Ghost went down on them, with a tongue that was on fire, that caused them to make incoherent noises ...

and they were all “WTF?”

and ppl were “you guys are drunk on your asses, LOL”.

For shits an giggles, look up "speaking in tongues" on YouTube.  Damn, this chapter started some crazy shit!

Here's the Shoes

I've got an old pair of shoes, well broke in and comfortable, and I'm sending them to the White House, coz Obama needs them.

Listen to him, from 15:38 to 16:05.

"And understand this: If American workers are being denied their right to organize and collectively bargain when I’m in the White House, I will put on a comfortable pair of shoes myself, I’ll will walk on that picket line with you as President of the United States of America. Because workers deserve to know that somebody is standing in their corner."

See there? The only excuse I can think of is those shoes; he can't find a pair, so let's all send him some.

Hat tip to Michael Monk, over at the Lake, for the idea.

Twelve year old Hero

Meet Cynthia.  Don't mess with her, she's a pretty cool customer. 

Burglers broke into her house when she was there alone. Instead of freaking out like some 12yo, she called 911, hid in the closet, and waited while the police surrounded the place and the guys walked out right into their arms. FTW! 

You can listen to the whole 911 call here, it's pretty scary. Here she is in person telling about it her self.

Way to go, Cynthia!

update: 

She got an award, from the city council.


How ossum is that.

A True Story

...one that seems relevant to the times.

Click to embiggen, or just hit this link

Witness to the Acts

OK, so we've finished the 4 Gospels and we're reading ACTS. First thing the apostles do is, since Judas exploded (no, srsly, he did)

1:21 Therefore it is necessary to choose one of the men who have been with us the whole time the Lord Jesus was living among us, 22 beginning from John’s baptism to the time when Jesus was taken up from us. ...

Crap. The body isn't even cold and they're rewriting history already. There weren't any apostles back at John's baptism.

Check it out in Matt 3-4: at the baptism there's nobody around, then Jesus hangs with Satan for a while, then he goes down to the beach, then he starts preaching, and then he starts  seducing fishermen.

No apostles in the story till his threesome with Peter and Andrew, so if they need somebody who's been around the whole time, Satan's their guy.

Why do they want to do this?  Coz they need twelve guys. See, that's where Danny Ocean screwed up, ya gotta have that 12th guy.

… For one of these must become a witness with us of his resurrection.”

I'm glad our courts don't work like this.

“Did you witness the corpse rise and leave the tomb?”
“ No, I was nowhere around. But his ghost appeared to me later.”
“Good enough”

If I went looking for a witness, I'd start by asking people if they saw anything, but these guys have a better way—they drew straws. That's the ticket, hold a fucken lottery and whoever wins gets to sit up there in the witness box and tell us what happened. Makes detective work a lot easier. The jackpot went to Matthias, some blind guy who was in Antarctica at the time for all we know.  He was the original Twelfth Man, though,  not that player from Texas A&M.

Lolbible

These are funny; this is just the one that tickles my perverted sense of humor. 

 

I wish there was more of them, but click here for the other eight.

thanks to Margarita for sending me these From the Top of the World.

Nasty Acts

Oh boy oh boy here we go. Now that I'm past reading the jesus story the jesus story the jesus story the jesus story maybe something interesting'll happen.

ACTS is the title. A good start, boo hiss books where no acts happen. This act is a letter to a guy named Theophilus,[“Why did you name him that?"  "Because he was the awfullest looking baby we'd ever seen.” Lol groan]
carrying on about what the apostles did after the Jesus haunted them. First up, call a powwow to elect a new guy to replace Judas. What happened to him, you ask?

1:18 … Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out.

Don't you hate it when that happens? You can't hardly walk down the sidewalk sometimes for people tripping over cracks, falling down and splattering themselves all over, and you have to tiptoe around the gore. Tedious. They just explodes, people do, like ripe tomatoes. It's Veggie Tales!

KJV says “all his bowels gushed out.” Wooo, graphic, but this word always makes me laugh. One of the few things I remember from 7th grade was the nuns insisting we wash our hands before leaving the restroom, and I guess somebody asked why. It seemed reasonable, we were just curious about the details, but all we got from the nuns was that there were bowel germs.

“Bowel germs?”
“That's what she said”
“What the fuck is a bowel germ?”
“I don't know.”
“Maybe it's E. Coli.”
“What's she think, we're in here playing with our shit?”
“She didn't say E. Coli. She said Bowel Germs.”
"Big, nasty Bowel Germs!"
“How would Bowel Germs get on our hands?”
“They lurk in the corners and jump on you.”
“Look, there's one!”
“OMG, there's another one!”
“Look at the size of that thing!”
“Run for your lives! BOWEL GERMS!”

As you can see, I have trouble staying on task.

Congratulate me

I've finished reading all four of the gospels. That is to say, I read the Story of Jesus four different times. I gotta admit I wasn't paying as close attention the fourth time through.

Cliff Notes:

There was this preacher running round, started thinking he was God, had a persecution complex, The Man took him out. Instead of disbanding, his cult claimed he rose from the dead, and they are still around. The end.

The story was written by committee, repeated four times by four different authors who never got together and compared notes. It's like if Wolverine had X-ray vision in one chapter and in the next blind monk and talked like this, was he. Yes, hmmm.

That committee would have done better if it'd edited it. Should've had Ed edit it. If Ed'd've edited it it'd've been better.

A Salute!

To:

Cassy Herkelman and Megan Black

The Iowa State individual wrestling tournament goes back to 1926. This year marks the first time not just one but two girls have qualified. Megan, a sophomore at Ottumwa, with a record of (25-13), and Cassy, a freshman, at (20-13).

and a rant

Naturally, them being icky girls, I could only find one article that honors their accomplishments, and a zillion about some sexist quitter who farted on their achievements by making it all about him. See Sexist Quitter takes his Marbles and Goes Home for the details of how he wasn't man enough to compete with a cootie-person so he forfeited his match.

"I have a tremendous amount of respect for Cassy and Megan and their accomplishments,”

says the quitter. Now before you read any further, let's play “Guess his next Word”. Odds are at 'lebenty-to-one on some variant of “but”.

“However,”

[BINGO!] then comes the whine and the cheesy. Let's open a big bottle of Fisk.

“wrestling is a combat sport and it can get violent at times.”

Oh, ain't we just tuff. What violent? If you mean anything more forceful than baking muffins, sure. Our little toddler loves to play Ring Around The Rosie and throw everybody down on the hardwood floor, the violent little shit, but this's got nothing to do with you walking off your job.

We've never had any allowances for, or problems with women in Judo, or in full-contact Kickboxing. We never thought kickboxing was violent, let alone wrestling. There are rules that protect you, like, don't bite too hard, and when your partner is out cold don't stomp on their face. When you don't have any rules, then it's violence, and if you get violent in my dojo, you're out on your ass, because it's not violence, it's a sport. That women play and are good at.

“As a matter of conscience and my faith I do not believe that it is appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner.”

In the manner of a fair competition between two equals on a level playing field you mean. MEOW, it's just HARBL inappropriate when both player's choice to compete is respected and their aspirations to test their skills are honored. You wouldn't outrage propriety by doing what she desperately wants and busted her ass for a chance at. You'd totally ignore all that and force her to do what you want, to satisfy your conscience ego. OK, well, I do not believe it is inappropriate to call you an asshole.

“It is unfortunate that I have been placed in a situation not seen in most of the high school sports in Iowa."

Yeah those cuffs really hurt when the SWAT guys use them to drag you in to a tournament …. Wait, what? No SWAT team? Well just who did this unfortunate placing? Was it her, going around acting like a human being, with rights? Or was it you, going out for a sport where you knew you'd be in this situation? Only four states have separate girl's wrestling, and Cornfield USA isn't one of them, but you placed your sorry ass right in the middle of it. It's unfortunate you were such a jerk and now other players have to suffer for it.

The ladies (there are no gentlemen) involved, are showing far more class than Joel Jerkoff, being good sports about it, good role models. Listen to Megan talk about the very guy that's disrespecting them.

"He, at least, is true to his beliefs and you have to respect that.”

No, I don't have to. For one thing I doubt it's even his own idea, given that he's only 16 and the homeschooled son of a preacher man, in the “Believers in Grace Fellowship, an independent Pentecostal church” no less. They're noted for their tolerance and independent thinking, and the moon is made of Swiss chocolate.

His old man sez "We believe in the elevation and respect of woman”, and show that by not letting them do what they want or achieve their goals, he left off. He also squawks that “men and women shouldn't touch in a "familiar way,"” which makes you wonder about his sex life if applying a guillotine is his idea of being familiar.

A lot of commenters are worried about that boys and girls (gasp) touching, here in Saudi Arabia East. They're filled with dread that intimate places might be touched. Lot of worry beads worn out that he might be uncomfortable touching her, not even a little baby worrylet that she might feel uncomfortable about anything.

Been some some speculation he'd get a hardon. Comeon! In the entire history of the world, has a guy ever gotten wood during a match? I've never seen it and I can't imagine it. If you can't keep your mind off sex during a goddam competition fer chrissake, you shouldn't be in one in the first place, you should probably be locked up in a secure environment.

I don't notice anybody asking if gay boys should be allowed to wrestle, or what if a girl gets all wet rubbing all over those guys.

Even if it is his own idea—Fail, Epic! If he had moral qualms about wrestling, I could respect it if he didn't GO OUT FOR WRESTLING.

That's not what he's doing. He knows damn good and well there are girls in his weight class and he'll have to fight them. Three years ago he drew Megan and he wasn't man enough to fight her then, or to quit wrestling as if he had integrity, and he's still pulling the same shit.

Why the coach didn't kick him off the team then I don't know, but he gets away with only fighting the people he wants to fight. If he doesn't like them he gets to disrespect them and the team by refusing to play. Now that's sportsmanship—NOT!

We bow to each other before a match. It thanks your partner for giving you the opportunity to test and better yourself, and a promise to do your best to help them in the same way; it pays forward the debt you owe to every other practice partner who has come before and gotten you to where you are. Not bowing, that'd be like whipping out your dick and pissing on them. Refusing to play them, well, even worse.

All I hear is how Sports are sacred, they build character and teach respect for your opponents. Shit. These two girls should be sitting back and enjoying all kinds of praise for their accomplishments—first two girls to ever make it to State—but instead they have to defend their right to even be here, thanks to this jerk. Cassy can be proud of her record, but now it will always have an asterisk by it thanks to the fuckhead.

Instead of taking him back of the woodshed for 'special' lessons on respect and sportsmanship, people stick up for this clown, say what a great player he is.

They worry about the terrible aftermath. A boy would be mocked if he lost to a girl, and wouldn't get credit if he won, since he only beat a girl. He might even be teased for picking on girls. A Poor Boy should never be put in such horrible position, since sexist bullying is as unchangeable as the tides and can never be challenged. Far better that no girl should ever get a chance to gain all those benefits sports are supposed to provide, than that boys should be asked to grow the fuck up.

In the footnotes, I noticed that Megan lost both her matches. That's not unusual, although specifically pointing out that both her losses were pins is gratuitously unsportsmanlike, but I wonder if things might have been different without sexist attitudes like Joel's. The way you improve is to fight people better than you, and Joel is supposed to be 'the best' wrestler, but he refuses to give them the benefit of his experience. How is that honorable? How can you get better when you're only allowed to fight the lower ranks?

The more I think about this the more fucked up it looks, so I should probly stop quite a while back.

I Man the Ramparts

Some nice fellers came by today, they wanted to talk about Jehovah. We had a nice chat. At least I did--they didn't appreciate my suggestion that Calvin and Hobbes would be a better moral guide than the Bible. They were entirely nonplussed when I told them the Koran said the same thing in very nearly the same words they were reading to me.

"so now you're trying to convert me to Islam?"

"Uh, well, ummm ..."

You had to be there and see the look on his face. Lulz. Another time, he didn't just give me an opening, he dropped his guard, put his hands in his pockets and stuck out his jaw: you can bet yer ass I jumped all over this line.

"we don't have to think, because we've got the word of god"

Major lulz. I remember at one point stopping him from reading ...

"that's three times now you've ignored how the book is irrelevant to me, and answered with a quote from the book."

It's the same old story, they come all prepared with bible verses like Hallmarks for every occasion, and once you take that away they got nuthin'. Down here in the Bible Buckle, it wouldn't surprise me if I'm the first person these guys have ever run into that didn't believe in the Bible, but back when I lived in Utah I practiced on the Mormons.

They brought a whiffle bat to a gun fight.

Too easy.

Nice

High today, 79 degrees F. Followed the toddler around the yard, in shirtsleeves, to smell all the daffodils that are blooming all over.

It was nice.

A Love Story

Mr. and Mrs. Skippy were an extraordinary couple. Even though they were never formally married, they did everything together, until illness and death separated Mr Skippy from his long-time companion.

In his bereavement he stopped eating, stopped grooming himself and became incredibly weak because he was mourning so much, to the point where he was taken to the hospital. On the hospital wall was a mural, that coincidentally included an image of his lost love.

“We haven’t really thought about the mural because it was there for several years, but Skippy saw the portrait of Mrs. Skippy on the bottom of the mural and he started talking to her and sat right next to her.”

He began to eat and recover. Arrangements were made to move his bed next to the portrait, and he is now doing well.



Oh, one other thing: Skippy is a black-necked stilt.

from CBS Pittsburgh

Apology

Egyptians have thrown out the thugs that ran their government, now they want to tackle the thugs that oppress and attack women. An apology to Lara Logan is for starters, and then go on to build their new society without any kinds of sexual harassment.

Go here

to sign their petition and give them your support.

Jesus Swept

I knew if I read the Bible I'd learn some good things. Like that expression "Jesus wept": people say it all the time, but I never knew why. I figured it must refer to some big important thing that religious people knew all about, and I was just a clueless dwork.

Well, undwork me! There I was reading John 11:32-43 and there it was--Jesus wept. "OHO" I said to myself "I've heard that he did, I'm about to find out why." I was excited. I was looking forward to it.

Imagine the thrill that shot through me when I found out why this passage is so famous. It was like the thrill you get when there's weather, or an odd number of emails. Ready? It's because it's the shortest verse in the bible.

"That's it?" I said to myself, "that's why people say that?" But why, WHY, did Jesus sweep?

The story

Mary: "My bruthers ded"
Jesus: "Where's the body?"
Jews: "Come see."
Jesus: WAHHH, Waahhh.

Then Jesus yells at Lazarus and Lazarus shambles out of the tomb.

Lazarus, the First Zombie

Miss American Pie

Bye Bye, we'll miss ya.

FEER! FEER!

Be Terrified! It's your civic duty!

"Nukes Have Been Found In An American Port"

or not.

According to this feeble attempt at something vaguely resembling journalism, Atomic Womebats or something ("weapons of mass effect"? WME's? WTF?) have been found somewhere North, South, East or West of Somewhere over the Rainbow, and we should all Tremble and Fear and go beat up someone who doesn't have the long form of their birth certificate.

There is something alarming about this news story piece of crapaganda, but a dirty bomb ain't it.

Civilized Love

Cupid Day 2011. Not much religious craziness this year, just some conservative shitforbrains Hindus showing how they "are for civilized love and affection" by beating people up.

Well, fuck them,

and fuck Religion ...

Hindu Holiday

Muslim  Holiday

Secular Holiday





Happy Valentine's Day!

Parable of the Reindeer

If the bible WASN'T written by a bunch of ignorant old sheepherders instead of some omniscient being who actually knew shit, it would have parables like this in it:

Silly Gism

Here's a fun argument that caused just no end of trouble. It's a valid syllogism* although it doesn't seem like it would be. See if you can spot the problem.

God does not exist.
       The universe is god         
The universe does not exist.

*not sound, but valid. It may seem strange, but inconsistent premises are always valid.

It came up in an atheist vs pantheist debate. When you say there's no god, without defining your terms, you've got a problem with pantheism, because their god does exist. The two debaters won't accept each other's Premises, and this thing just shows how it would lead to a crazy result if they did.

P.S. If you're one of those people who insists it isn't a valid syllogism, first say which of the six rules of validity it breaks, otherwise piss off.

Jews are gods

John 10:34 Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your Law, ‘I have said you are “gods”'?

WTF? The jews are gods now? I missed that memo, I gotta see what this is all about. Google google he's quoting Psalm 82,verse1

God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment:

The first god means god but the second gods means people. Why? Because they use the same word—Elohim—in both places. That doesn't make sense, O ye of little faith? Well me neither, but to christstains it's obvious they mean different things, you hellbound doubter, you.

Here on planet Earth, this sounds reasonable: the original story had a lotta gods, and when the Jews plagiarized it they demoted all but one down to people, they just forgot to edit this one line. Then the Rabbis claimed right through all the egg on their face that people that weren't god were gods that were not the god sons of not were. Understand?

Since that had been cleared right up, Jesus used it to weasel out of another rocking bad time. Basically he says, “I know you are, but what am I? See, I'm a son-of-a-god too, just like you, coz the Bible says everybody is.” Nice try, Lambikins of God, but they weren't buying it.

39 Again they tried to seize him, but he escaped their grasp.

Yeow! Aikido! Good thing he knew it too, coz this keeps happening. Back in John 8:57-59 he claims to have been BFF with Abraham, which'd make him, what, a thousand years old, and

59 At this, they picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds.

That is to say, ran away and hid like a little wuss. Why dint he Superhero up and use his +12 Shield of Repulsion? This guy needs to find Yoda's cave and pick up some new skills, or I predict a bad ending for this story. Or just stop going around saying he's God. Dumbass.

the Best Fucking Ad in the Entire Fucking World

YES!

got this from Andy at Laughing in Purgatory, who rocks.

Kuje ne

Over at Babel's Dawn, Edmund wrote this sentence:

He makes the case that sounds right to a person kuje ne like me who loves language and its skillful use.

Did you get it?

Move your right hand over one key to the left on the keyboard. The fact that he left it there without any explanation just tickles me all silly.


(I know, I know -- nerdy. wev)

Love and Bombs

My dad always said the country was going to hell in a handbasket.

THEN

NOW

Looks like we've  arrived. 

the Loogerans

Shitfuckpisstwat, when I read John chapter 9 I thought it was telling the same story as Mark 8, where our hero heals a blind man. Come to find out they're two different stories. Did Jesus heal one guy two times, or did they just fuck up the details again? I'll go with door two, but one thing is clear, Jesus is going around spitting on people. Yech.

In Mark's story he spits right on the patient, and they guy sees people that “look like trees walking around”. WTF, Ents? Who knew Lord of the Rings was scripture? We should shitcan this old book and start using that one. For an Old Testament we could use Star Wars. Yay! 

mentioned in Mark 8:24  

John likes to put in lots of gossipy details, he blew up Marks paragraph into a whole chapter. In John's story our eye doctor spits on the ground instead, then he scoops up the loogi (how do you spell that?) and gives birth to the expression “Here's mud in your eye”. [ I wasn't serious when I wrote that, but this guy is.]
 This patient doesn't see any Treebeard, and he has to go wash in the pool of Siloam before he can see. Why is that? Does this pool have magic powers? Does Jesus-drool lose potency and need a symbiotic? Does the AMA know about this pool? Why aren't opthamaologists spitting on people?

So many unanswered questions.

*footnote: What us heathens don't understand is that Jesus didn't spit on the dude he spit on, he spit on the illness. 
Loogerans, early Biblical literalists, took this passage to heart and practiced sacramental spitting on each other, especially when they got sick. You've probly never heard of them. They died out.

Superbowl recap

It has come to my attention that the Superbowl happened. As a red-blooded American, it is apparently my bounden duty to give a fuck.

Here's one right here.

If a liar lies, is he telling the truth?

(John 5:31-36, 8:13-18)

OK sucker, you wanna take the Bible literally? Throw down. Here's your verse, John 5:31, Jesus says his testimony isn't true.

5:31 “my testimony is not valid.”

No, no, Context! The full verse is

5:31 “If I testify about myself, “my testimony is not valid.”

So what? He's only lying when he talks about himself? That includes all that BS about him being the son of God. You know, that BS the Christian church is founded on.

No, no, you don't understand. The law required more than one witness, so if it was just Jesus talking it wouldn't be valid, but it isn't, it's also God the Father, John the Baptist, His own works, and the OT scriptures*

[*paraphrasing some christstain on a forum]

Oh fer chrissakes. When I talk it's not just me either; it's me, myself, and those thousand I's the night has. My thousand and two witnesses beats the shit out of Jesus' measly five. I win!

You have the devil in your heart. We don't have to take Jesus' word for it anyway. Look at verse 5:32, where he talks about John the Baptist, and says

5:32 There is another who testifies in my favor, and I know that his testimony about me is valid.

5:36 I have testimony weightier than that of John.

LOLBFD! Right in between your two picked cherries, just like a little fruit maggot, he says

5:34 Not that I accept human testimony;

What was John, a shapeshifting alien from planet Xanax? Shee-it. Jesus doesn't accept testimony from humans, but he's willing to use it to convince other people. The cocksucker's as honest as fucking Enron.

I don't care for your language.

I don't care for your logic. Take these verses literally, genius

5:31 “If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.”
8:14 “Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid”

8:15 I pass judgment on no one.
8:26 I have much to say in judgment of you.

I'm sure you'll figure out a way. I've got  faith.

Happy Bunny

That's right, yesterday was Chinese  (lunar ) New Year, and this is the Year of the Rabbit.

This time around its element is Metal, so PARTY ON, PEOPLE.

Pride Goeth Before a Fall

Literally in this case.

I just find this utterly hilarious.


***Update: people pointed out that this is from a movie (Never Back Down). That may be, but I've seen the pretty-damn-close-to-exact same thing happen in real life, so.  Probly why I find it so funny.

What I Shoulda Said

A while back when we were compiling our list of Anti Rape Tips, the big issue was the first one:

"Rape is about power, not about sex"

That seems self-evident to me but people objected, claiming that if it doesn't involve sex it's just assault, not rape.  We ended up with an acceptable final version, but I was always uneasy.  Why do we even have to explain this, I thought.

Now, over at Pervocracy Holly has a post called Supply Side Rape Prevention, where she tackles the issue of  rape prevention tips.  Just from her title (love it) you can tell she has great things to say, and the steps she recommends are totally spot on.

When I read her second step, I was like "Oh Hell Yeah, I wish I'd said that."  What we need to do is

Redefine "sex."
What is sex, really? It's not a penis going into a vagina. Nor is it a penis going into an orifice. Nor is it the touching of sexual organs. Sex is the pleasure obtained from arousal and intimacy. Without that, it's a gynecologist appointment.

So sticking your dick in someone means nothing. Gets you nothing. Absent the arousal and intimacy, it's just an unhygienic gynecologist appointment. Not only is sticking yourself in someone not right to do without their enthusiastic participation, it's not even sex. Most of things a person would really want from sex that they couldn't get from masturbation--emotional comfort, ego reinforcement, social status, physical closeness--are not things you can take by force. I would like to spread the meme that rape isn't getting laid by unethical means, it's not getting laid at all.

Exactly. Rape is not sex. If you think it is, it's not that you don't understand rape, it's that you don't understand sex.

Here are the rest of Holly's steps we need to take.

Redefine "rape" in the public discourse

strangers jumping out of bushes

Rewrite the sexual script

women trade sex for affection

Stop blaming victims
Treat men like people.

animals who can't control themselves

Stop blaming victims

needs no explanation

She explains each one in more detail, and you really should go here and read the whole thing.

Black Helicopter Jesus

John 5:16-18 Jesus was doing stuff on the Sabbath, and the Jews didn't like that, so they persecuted him. Oh goody oh goody if here's one thing these godbots like it's being persecuted. Persecution, usually means put up a billboard, or don't say 'Christmas', but here it says the Jews were actually trying to kill the Bread of Life®.

Wait, whut?

John 7:14-24 Bread of Life is going around healing people on the Sabbath, they ask him why, and he says

Bread of Life: “Why are you trying to kill me?”
Jews: Lolwhut? “Who's trying to kill you?”
Bread of Life: “Yer mad at me; Yer judging by appearances.”

John 7:25-6 At that point some of the people of Jerusalem began to ask, “Isn’t this the man they are trying to kill? Here he is, speaking publicly, and they are not saying a word to him.

Kill him without saying a word, that's the ticket. Stone cold, like the Silent Assassin. They argue until

7:30 At this they tried to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him,
7:44 Some wanted to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him.

How does this work? Usually you lay a hand on something to seize it, unless you're a Black Lab. Were they trying to bite him? Lie on their backs and clamp him between their legs? This might explain it, they were trying but they were just really really inept. I don't think Jesus has much to worry about.

7:32, they sent guards to arrest him. That's SOP when you're trying to murder someone, right? But the guards wouldn't do it. They went and investigated and decided they didn't have any reason to arrest him. So much for persecution.  Did that get the know out of the Jesus panties? Not a chance. In chapter eight he's still whining about it,

8:37 ... Yet you are looking for a way to kill me,
8:40 As it is, you are looking for a way to kill me,

and get this—he's talking to his own followers this time.

Bill “whiny little bitch” Donohue is carrying on a great tradition, see. (apologies to Bocephus)
 

They get on me wanna know Bill
why do you bitch?
(Bill) why don't you shut up?
Why must you whine like a hungry little pup?
Ever since Jesus
it's been our predilection,
so if we're assholes
we're just carryin'
on an old Christian tradition.