So What?

God Damn It! That's not a  line from the koran, although it's pretty good summary of half of the book, especially if the 'it' is nonbelievers, but this 'goddamit' is because I had thought we were through with all that killing and wars and bloodshed crap. No such luck. Chapter 59 starts out with this;

^59:2 He it is Who caused the disbelievers of the People of the Book to go forth from their homes at the time of the first banishment. bla bla Allah ... cast terror  into their hearts bla bla...

Here we go again. My first reaction when I read something like this is a big fat hulking “So What”? (well, not my first. My first reaction is “wtf is it talking about NOW? Then after I google the shit out of it for 3 credits in Ancient Arabian History, then my reaction is 

Three possibilities here:
(1) If this is Gawd's literal word and it really happened just like it says 1400 years ago, then, well, so what? God caused some people to leave home. BFD. This has what to do with me? I don't believe it so I should move? Right, I'll get right on that as soon as god casts a little terror into my heart. Meanwhile, So What? His lesson here is open to any interpretation--maybe god did that because they didn't believe in going down on their wives. Works for me. 

(2) If this is some obscure historical detail, about some pissant tribe in some pissant desert somewhere ancient pissant ages ago, that only an expert in Arabology would understand, then “So fucking What?” I don't even like deserts.

(3) If this never happened, it's just some urban legend handed down amongst some pissant TribeISPDSAPAA, then “So motherfucking fucked-up What?” WHO CARES?

Jeez.





Three possibilitie for this book:




(1) If the HolyNoble Quran is the literal Word of God, then God is fucking insane. Aside from all the blatant contradictions and stupid, half the time he's talking to Mohammed, not me, and He says things like “O Prophet...” It's like reading other people's emails, and I was taught to MYOB, so like, "so what?" but  presumably god said to put that in the book, so like I said, God's insane. If he wants me to worship him, he's should at least be able to write a decent paragraph. I can do it—he should worship me!

(2) It's Mo talking and he thinks god really told him all this shit. Then god's off the hook, but Mo looks like he's suffering from severe forms of brain damage. I mean he's trying to sell us on a god who looks like a colossal asshole, and besides, there's WAY too much coincidence. What did Aisha say, “I think the Lord hastens tell you to do whatever the fuck you want.” Something like that.

(3) It's Mo talking and he's just a damn con artist. In that case, they aren't coincidences, they're dead giveaways. “Oh hey, guess what? God just told me I need to fuck your wife. How about that?” The only puzzle is why these dumb camel herders didn't just kick the shit out of him. Correct that, he was a damn GOOD con artist.
My money's on a combination of (2) and (3), so he's just one more psycho cult leader, and this book is what he said , and so, well ...

“So What?”

World's Worst Creature

Whoohooyippee, chapter 98 is “the Clear Proof”. Finally, we're gonna find out exactly WHY all these people believe Mohammed, and why we should oughta too. I'm so excited I just peed my pants. I can't wait.

¹ Those who reject (Truth), among the People of the Book and among the Polytheists, were not going to depart (from their ways) until there should come to them Clear Evidence,-

Yay! Now we're talking sense. Clear evidence, damn straight.

² An apostle from God, rehearsing scriptures kept pure and holy:

Wtf?

³ Wherein are laws (or decrees) right and straight.

That's your evidence? Some guy said it?

⁴ Nor did the People of the Book make schisms, until after there came to them Clear Evidence.

Wasn't very clear then, was it? Fuckwit.

⁵ And they have been commanded no more than this: To worship God, offering Him sincere devotion, being true (in faith); to establish regular prayer; and to practise regular charity; and that is the Religion Right and Straight.

Commanded. Nice. I especially like the part about charity--to the local Hindu Temple I bet.

⁶ Those who reject (Truth), among the People of the Book and among the Polytheists, will be in Hell-Fire, to dwell therein (for aye). They are the worst of creatures. "the worst creation that allah has fashioned”

That's right baby, I'm worse than psychopathic mass murderers and the AIDS virus and fire ants. Worse than these.

⁷ Those who have faith and do righteous deeds,- they are the best of creatures.

Ok, what about those who have faith and act like this?

⁸ Their reward is with God: Gardens of Eternity, beneath which rivers flow; they will dwell therein for ever; God well pleased with them, and they with Him: all this for such as fear their Lord and Cherisher.

And we know this how? You said so.

---the end---

For fuck's sakes. “Clear Proof”.

Happy Axial Tilt

In the spirit of the holidays, I present you with this verse:

"May all living things be happy and at their ease! May they be joyous and live in safety! All beings, whether weak or strong - omitting none - in high, middle, or low realms of existence, small or great, visible or invisible, near or far away, born or to be born - may all beings be happy and at their ease! Let none deceive another, or despise any being in any state; let none by anger or ill will wish harm to another! Even as a mother watches over and protects her only child, so with a boundless mind should one cherish all living beings, radiating friendliness over the entire world, above, below and all around without limit; so let him cultivate a boundless good will toward the entire world, uncramped, free from ill will or enmity."

HA! Had you going there, didn't I? Yer right, that's not from the Koran, all that peace and love stuff, that's from the Metta Sutra. Buddhist. Lotta damned infiddles, them are.

THIS is the koran, baby:

³ ... He would certainly have punished them in this world: And in the Hereafter they shall (certainly) have the Punishment of the Fire.
⁴ ... and if any one resists Allah, verily Allah is severe in Punishment.
⁷ ... And fear Allah. for Allah is strict in Punishment.
¹⁷ The end of both will be that they will go into the Fire, dwelling therein for ever. Such is the reward of the wrong-doers.
¹⁸ Fear Allah, and let every soul look to what (provision) He has sent forth for the morrow. Yea, fear Allah.
¹⁹ And be ye not like those who forgot Allah. and He made them forget their own souls! Such are the rebellious transgressors!
²⁰ Not equal are the Companions of the Fire and the Companions of the Garden: it is the Companions of the Garden, that will achieve Felicity.

And that's not the worst of it, it's just chapter 59 that I happen to be reading right now. Only 24 lines, and never really gets its hellfire on--no skins melting off, no drinking boiling liquids. All that's been covered already, but go look for it yourself if you want it.

Happy fucken christmas.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

As I was saying, Sura 65 is titled “divorce” so you know it's going to be a steaming two-curl pile. Make that ten-curl. A hundred curl. So many curls it wraps you up like a boa constrictor and smothers you.

^65:1 O Prophet! When ye do divorce women, divorce them at their prescribed periods, and count (accurately), their prescribed periods:

I had to look this up, sure enough he means menstrual periods. Men are supposed to keep track of people's periods, like you would with cattle. Oh silly me, there I go calling women “people”, kick my ass.

Its a 3 months waiting period for divorce, to make sure the woman is not pregnant. So why not say that in the first place, asshole? Why force somebody to come showing off their bloody tampons in public? Oh shit, there I did it again. Kick my ass double. If you have to wait three months, what's with the divorce by text message shit? Maybe you people read real slow?

After you've got the right number of tampons, you still have to get two witnesses, or four since a woman is only worth half a man, to prove you're not just fibbing. See, one of Mo's d00ds divorced his wife without telling her, and that's why all this was “revealed”. God needs reminding like that.

It is reported that the directions contained in this chapter were needed to correct a mistake made in connection with the law of divorce of Ibn ‘Umar, who divorced his wife when she had her courses. He was told to take her back, as divorce was ineffective unless pronounced when the wife was free from the menses (Buck Harry 68:1)

Whateverthehell that means, but wouldn't you think god would see that coming? I mean, being not only omniscient, but having everything all written down for him in the big book in the sky. If god can do anything, can he forget things, and not be able to remember them? Inquiring minds want to know don't really give a shit.

Then there's some lines greasing allah's dick, the part where it's OK to rape underage girls, and some typically vague advice that I've added friendly little notes to, to show how it applies in practice.

⁶ ... if they carry (life in their wombs), then spend (your substance) on them until they deliver their burden: [=can't get divorced till the baby's born, so you'll know who's the father. Goes without saying you'll keep her under lock and key the whole time. If the kid looks like the milkman you can disown it] and if they suckle your (offspring), give them their recompense: [=if they raise your kid, pay child support] and take mutual counsel together, according to what is just and reasonable. And if ye find yourselves in difficulties,[=if you're too cheap to pay your ex what she needs] let another woman suckle (the child) [=take the kid away from her] on the (father's) behalf.

Wtf, suckling the kid is for the father's behalf? Not the kid's???? Oh---This means that if he doesn't want to pay her what she asks for nursing his kid, he can take it away and pay somebody cheaper to nanny the little brat. He's all heart, godhammed is.

Then more God will fuck you up, streams and fruit, and there are seven planet Earths. Betcha didn't know that last, huh? NASA's keeping it on the down low, like the Roswell Aliens. 

¹² Allah is He Who created seven Firmaments and of the earth a similar number.

What the Islamic Experts[sic] have to say about this is that it means the seven planets, or seven continents, or more than seven, or less than seven, or planets in other galaxies, or I dunno seven dwarfs, whatever. So much for the bullshit, here's how it all works out in practice.

the Quran on Child Rape

Sura 65 is titled “divorce” so you know it's going to be a steaming two-curl pile. AND....it doesn't disappoint. The main thing it says is

IT'S OK TO BE MARRIED TO PREPUBESCENT GIRLS !!!!

When you divorce, there is a waiting period, and

65:4 “the prescribed period for them is three months, and also for such as do not have their monthly courses yet.”

IOW, SEX IS OK AT NINE, according to the Saudi clerics, and “then the marriage MAY BE CONSUMMATED EVEN WITHOUT HER CONSENT”.

FUCK THAT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlmVZWU0XxQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSDNAd-zP7I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QmPw1atPSE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-7PByWEt8c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcWwYTvF9R8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfQ5AKQcSnA


Seriously, is there any way to defend this piece-of-shit-book? Or these POS people? Or even this POS religion?

The Quran Forbids Islam

This bugs me. Isn't it pretty much the mark of a moral person that when they have power over someone, they might not take advantage of it? Maybe show mercy? At least let their enemies surrender, not keep kicking the shit out of them? Not in the koran, baby.

[47:35] Be not fainthearted then; and invite not the infidels to peace when ye have the upper hand:

What kind of fucked-up advice is that, don't let them make peace?  This is morality according to Mohammed: When the enemy has the upper hand it's ok to surrender to save your own ass. When the shoe's on the other foot though, when you're winning, don't offer any truce or ceasefire, don't let your enemies submit.

If you believe Mohammed said this, you cannot say he was any kind of moral person. But hold on; this isn't supposed to be Mohammed talking. Muslims believe this book is the literal words of God. I think it's safe to say that God has the upper hand. And in that situation, He says here that he's not ok with letting people submit. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't "Islam mean Submission"? Here's Allah himself, in his own words, saying that he won't accept your submission. God himself is against 'Islam'. You submitting is exactly what he says he's against.

If the Quran is the word of God, then Islam is against God.

Visions of Heaven

Chapter 76, Man, sounds like Mohammed rattled this one off in a state of post-coital bliss. He just can't work up any passion this time around. It's more ho hum heaven: bling, slaves, laying around on couches eating and drinking—BORRRING—and whatdyaknow, he hardly mentions Hell.

Here's what's shakin' in heaven. You lay on raised thrones,(13) in a shady garden, with bunches of fruit (14); wearing green silk with heavy brocade, and silver bracelets (21), while youths of perpetual freshness serve you (19) wine with ginger (17) or camphor, from a fountain (5), in goblets of crystal, made of silver* (16). Sounds like Carnival cruise lines.
*If they're made of silver, how are they not goblets of silver? I know he's god and all but still, this seems like a stretch.

Meanwhile, on another of the other Heavenly Spheres, His Noodly Goodness and crew will be getting down, this way:

You carouse riotously in a stripper factory, with a merry band of lusty companions dressed in full pirate regalia of your own design, freely imbibing grog from a beer volcano, with abundant pasta to fill yer belly, as you sail the Seven Seas in yer own ship, living the eternal Arrrrgh!!!!

If Mohammed Were Alive Today

Witness: Religion used to justify Zainab kidnapping
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Tags: Zainab, Cults, Religious Child Abuse, Sex Crimes,

Elizabeth Smart Zainab, right, arrives at the federal courthouse with her mother, Lois Smart, left, and her father Ed Smart prior to her testimony in a competency hearing for her alleged kidnapper, Brian David Mitchell Mohammed, Thursday Oct. 1 2009, in Salt Lake City Mecca. (AP)

MECCA(AP) — A psychiatrist says the man accused of the abduction of Elizabeth Zainab Smart used religion and his exaggerated sense of his relationship to God to justify his actions.

Dr. Michael Welner also testified Monday that Mohammed used religious talk to avoid answering questions by authorities when he was arrested after Smart was found in March 627.

Welner is testifying during an ongoing hearing in federal court to determine whether Mohammed is competent to stand trial on charges of kidnapping and unlawful indentiture  of a minor.

Welner, a prosecution witness, also commented on video shown in court of Mohammed’s interview with law enforcement.

Defense attorneys say Mohammed is incompetent to stand trial and cannot participate in his defense.

Psychiatrist: Mitchell's lust 'trumped religion' (Elizabeth Smart case)
Witness: Suspect in Smart case stalked other girls

Swimmin’ in Women:  Mohammed’s wives and concubines (part 1)
Swimmin’ in Women:  Mohammed’s wives and concubines (part 2)
Why did Mohammed get so ManyWives

All Ramen

Chapter 55, is a strange one. At first it's all pagany, with herbs and trees and date-palms swaying in the breeze, (they bow down in adoration—yeah, right. I'll take that as a metaphor, mmkay?) and then it says this:

^55:13 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

And then it says this:

^55:21 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

And then it says, well, the same line over again. Thirty one times! There's 78 lines, and  every other one  is them is this one. That's 40%. It's a good thing I've done my homework or I'd be saying “God, oh God, why art thou repeating thyself all the frigging time?” Since we did though, we know the original is kinda sorta poetry, so it probably sounds fine in the original Arabic. Those guys really do have a point when they say the original language is better. Doesn't mean I'm about to learn another language just to read some moldy old scripture though. Poetry may not translate very well, but bullshit's the same in any language.

There's some weird stuff, just to keep the shits and giggles going. You can't get bored reading this book. Well, you can: all that's left is narcoleptic tedium if you just ignore all the lulz, but that ain't no fun.

^55:17 (He is) Lord of the two Easts and Lord of the two Wests:

^55:19 He has let free the two bodies of flowing water, meeting together:

^55:20 Between them is a Barrier which they do not transgress ^WTFf?

Two Easts and West may mean “the two points of sunrise and the two points of sunset on the shortest day of winter and the longest day of summer” or it may mean “the easts and the wests of the two hemispheres of the earth.” Or it may be the name of a sleazy bar down by the camel pens. Why don't you fuckers just admit this thing doesn't make any sense?

The two waters are supposed to be the oceans and lakes. From these lakes we get pearls—you know, pearls made by oysters, that live in salt water?—and corals. Hallelujah, it's a miracle, but you wouldn't know that unless you read it in Arabic. Remember how we're supposed to learn Ye Olde Tongue so we can read the original? If it's just going to uncover more contradictions, sod that idea. Here's another line that had me rolling on the floor:

^55:24 And His are the Ships sailing smoothly through the seas, lofty as mountains:

God, obviously, has never been to sea. I'm here to tell you, when the seas are like mountains it ain't smooth sailing. Hell, when the seas are little foothills, they'll make you vomit your colon up and throw you all over the boat so you fall in it, because you can't hang onto anything since your hands are all slimey from where you puked on them. Mountains and smooth sailing don't go in the same sentence. It's almost like this book was written by some guy who lived his whole life in a desert.

Then he goes rambling on about paradise, and naturally, he sets free his inner pimp and focuses on the bling-bling: cushions and carpets and rich brocade, rubies and coral. Then he has to go spoiling it all by throwing in the sex slaves. Oh sorry, not sex slaves, houris. That was the devil in me talking. Speaking of the devil, no way can godhammed mention heaven without getting sidetracked onto how people will suffer in hell, so he throws in disgusting shit like people wandering around in boiling water. Let your readers leave on a happy note? No sir, not this boy.

Quranic Lolcats

Because why not?

(Jizyah: a tax imposed on non-muslims by an islamic govt.)

The Hammer of Allah

Well, here we go with chapter 13. Ready up your barf bag and let's get to reading. It starts out not too bad, of course by not too bad I mean it's not a handbook of psychopathology like the last few chapters, but that's setting the bar pretty low. In fact that's burying the bar somewhere down under the continental crust. I mean it's back to Olde Man God perched on his throne whipping the sun and moon around with his magic strings, with the earth all spread out flat under him and all covered with streams and fruit. Wait, streams and fruit? That's supposed to be Heaven, in 2,986 other verses of the koran.

Whatever, in all this stuff there are signs, it tells us. And tells us, and tells us. It just doesn't tell us what the signs say: maybe “Garage Sale” or “fuck you” or “Mohammed sucks camels”. We'll never know, because they're magic signs that only muslims can see.

⁷ And the Unbelievers say: "Why is not a sign sent down to him from his Lord?"

We know the answer to that by now—WIFL—and then there's some IKE; he knows everything, he is the Great, the Most High, and when your mouth is getting dry, you're plenty high.

⁹ He knoweth the unseen and that which is open: He is the Great, the Most High.
¹⁰ It is the same (to Him) whether any of you conceal his speech or declare it openly; whether he lie hid by night or walk forth freely by day.
¹¹ For each (such person) there are (angels) in succession, before and behind him: They guard him by command of Allah. Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls).

Yeah, we've seen these angels before, they're all over the damn place, in front, behind, writing everything down, watching everything, watching you screw, watching you masturbate, the original porn addicts, but do they do anything to help? If you're about to get flattened by a suicidal banker plummetting off the 28^th floor, do they bother to whisper “hey look up” in your ear? Oh hell no. Orders from the big boss, you want a change, you change it yourself, loser. So what the hell do we need him and little voyeurs for?

He can't even keep his myths straight. Bad enough he was mixing up old Jewish legends, here he's cribbing from Marvel Comics. Look at this, Allah is Thor. Who knew?

^13:13 Nay, thunder repeateth His praises, and so do the angels, with awe: He flingeth the loud-voiced thunder-bolts, and therewith He striketh whomsoever He will. Yet these (are the men) who (dare to) dispute about Allah, with the strength of His power (supreme)!

Next up, another entry in the Lame Metaphor Sweepstakes. I don't know what it means, but the moral is clear. It has to be, cause it's in the koran. See if you can guess it.

^13:17 He sends down from the sky water, and the water-courses flow according to their bulk, and the torrent bears along the floating scum: and from what they set fire to, craving ornaments or utensils, comes a scum like that;- thus does God hit the truth and the falsehood;- and as for the scum it is thrown off, and as for what profits man it stays on the earth. Thus does God strike out parables!

Yep, god's parables strike out all right. Then he goes on reminding us that god speaks Arabic, and he has the Mother of all Books up there in heaven.

^13:37 And thus have WE revealed it, a clear judgment in Arabic.
^13:39 Allah doth blot out or confirm what He pleaseth: with Him is the Mother of the Book.

It's the Arabic Only movement. Hear Ye: All official Heavenly business must be conducted solely in Arabic. We don't want none a them immigrants coming here, speaking in tongues, lol. If god has everything that'll ever happen all written down already, wtf are those angels writing things down for? Do the angels know Arabic? I you speak one of the primitive languages like English, do they translate it on the spot or fax it upstairs to the Translation Dept? All that bureaucracy's not my idea of heaven.

Then as usual, he gives away his game plan.

^13:40... it is our part to call them to account. ⁴¹ See they not that We gradually reduce the land (in their control) from its outlying borders?

Damn, Godhammed, keep that on the down-low. Don't tip them off it's all about taking over the world. Talk about salvation and sin. You know, holy shit like that.

Rivers of Honey

Chapter 47, 'Muhammed'. Kind of a dud, really.

47:36 Surely this present life is only a play, and pastime!

Right. Then, line 15 is the newest release of Heaven. This upgrade supports all sorts of spiritual widgets, like ...

[47:15] ... rivers of milk whose taste will not undergo a change, and rivers of wine delectable to drinkers, and streams of purified honey,...

... (sounds swampy) but don't go getting all Pollyanna now, it can't end without a down note: infidels will ...

... be given boiling water to drink which will cut their intestines to shreds.

Ick.

Next up, more jihad, baby!

4. So, when you clash with the unbelievers, smite their necks until you overpower them, then hold them in bondage. Then either free them graciously or after taking a ransom,

47:31. We shall try you in order to know who are the fighters among you, and who are men of fortitude,

47:35. So do not become weak-kneed and sue for peace,

[47:35] Be not fainthearted then; and invite not the infidels to peace when ye have the upper hand: for God is with you, and will not defraud you of the recompense of your works.

Jesus Fucking Christ! Whoops, sorry; Allah Asshole Akbar! (I get my cults mixed up) We all know by now about those "recompenses" for not letting people surrender. There's a whole chapter on war profits, and,  if you've forgot, here's a nice summary of Godhammed's bling-booze-buggery-bitches Paradise. 

The rest of line 36-7:—Huh?

[47:36] ... but if ye believe, fear God; He will give you your rewards: but He will not ask all your riches of you.

[47:37]Should He ask them of you, and urge you, ye would shew yourself niggards: and He would bring your grudges to light.

Grudges”? Well, yeah, George Sale's translation tacks on [against his apostle] at the end. He's peeking a little too much behind the curtain, George is. Hmmm, so will gawd ask for our riches or won't he? Lucky for us, we have AAIL here to explain this for us. YAY! FTW!

The two statements do not contradict each other

Oh. Thank you.

Iron, Novocaine

Chapter 57

57:4 heh heh, god is firmly established on the throne, heh heh.

57:8 & 10. LOL, why don't we bleeve? Lol.

^57:8 What cause have ye why ye should not believe in Allah.

Uhhh, cuz it's stupid?

^57:10 And what cause have ye why ye should not spend in the cause of Allah.

Mmmm, you know the cause where I don't take my money out in the back yard and make a bonfire with it? That cause, dumbass.

57:12-15 is a bunch of gloating over other people that are suffering in hell, taunting them, really awful. Hate the sin and taunt the sinners, yessir, that's old all-merciful allah & co.

57:20 a nice piece of projection; life is nothing but pomp and boasting .... I suppose that's true when you're the leader of a cult. For the rest of us, not so much. Whatever, dude.

Line 22 is pretty clear---no free will , everything's prewritten in the holy tablets in the sky

^57:22 No misfortune can happen on earth or in your souls but is recorded in a decree before We bring it into existence:

LOL it's the divine plan:

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?”

George Carlin
On Religion

-------

57:25 is a history lesson. God sent down a book, a balance, & iron(!) so he wants us to worship him. Notice god's priorities here:

[057:025]  ... and WE sent down iron, wherein is material for violent warfare and diverse uses for mankind,

Cheez, we're supposed to fall down with gratitude to the guy for making better genocide? Not gunpowder or even stainless steel either, just crummy old iron. Probably rusty. You want me to worship you, buddy? Send Penicillin, send birth control, send ziplock plastic bags and indoor plumbing. Iron? Sheee-it. My dentist sends down Novocaine; line up behind her, you loser. 

Nostalgia

Surah 99 is real short, only eight lines.  YAY!  It says, "When there's this great big-ass earthquake, the earth will tell who's been naughty or nice.” 

That's it. The only weird thing is that the Earth is gonna talk, but by now that's small potatoes. We've had talking ants, talking trees, invisible soldiers, hell, why not?  

This chapter seems to be in the wrong place. It sounds like the very first ones, back when Mo was still a pagan, before all the murdering and stuff. Ah, for the good old days.

Jihad, Baby!

[4:56] Surely, those who disbelieve in our revelations, we will condemn them to the hellfire. Whenever their skins are burnt, we will give them new skins. Thus, they will suffer continuously. GOD is Almighty, Most Wise.

Wrong. God is a dick, and if you think this is beautiful poetry, so are you.

Jews suck. It says so right here in 4:58, see?

[4:58] GOD commands you to give back anything the people have entrusted to you. If you judge among the people, you shall judge equitably. The best enlightenment indeed is what GOD recommends for you.

Well I don't see either, but according to QuranEnglish.com this is“informing the Muslims of the iniquity of the Jews.” ??? It doesn't say jack shit about Jews, or iniquity either one, but pretty much every single muslim website reads some anti-Jewish meaning into it, “it” being, oh, anything, like maybe “hello”. This is a pattern, and I'm really sick of it. Book's bad enough without a battalion of bigots making it worse.

4:51 Hast thou not seen those to whom a portion of the Book was given? They believe in sorcery and diviners and say of those who disbelieve: These are better guided in the path than those who believe.

4:52 Those are they whom Allah has cursed. And whomever Allah curses, thou wilt not find a helper for him.

According to Ahmadiyya, this “refers to the general debasement of the Jews". Now who have we seen going around hobnobbing with djinns and talking to trees? Oh, that's right—Mohammed! Lucky we have the mullah mafia around to tell us the right people to hate. Those people who got the book and they used it to wipe their ass with? They had the right idea. About a quarter of this chapter is more verses about the Jooz, though, and how bad they suck. Come a long ways since he first got to Medina and was doing everything he could to suck their dicks.

4:71-77 Jihad, baby! Also 83-4, and 4:89, definitely:

[4:89]  They but wish that ye should reject Faith, as they do, and thus be on the same footing (as they): But take not friends from their ranks until they flee in the way of God (From what is forbidden). But if they turn renegades, seize them and slay them wherever ye find them; and (in any case) take no friends or helpers from their ranks;-

Up thru line 95 this whole section is about jihad, war, killing.

101-104 a bunch of war instructions, tells how to stand guard, etc (he's afeared the enemy'll attack them while they're kneeling with their butts in the air. Lol) Talks about collateral damage—if you bump off one of your own guys in a friendly fire incident, you pay compensation by freeing a slave, or fast for two month.

This is laughable; Har, Har, Har, see me laughing? “Jihad” only means an inner spiritual battle, doncha know. I guess all this tactical advice is just metaphors. Yeah, that's probly it. And god smokes crack. Or somebody does.

4:93 It's ok to kill infidels.

... and so ends chapter four.

Silly Shit, Sura 4

4:22 says don't marry your mothers. Eeeew!

[4:22] Do not marry the women who were previously married to your fathers - existing marriages are exempted and shall not be broken - for it is a gross offense, and an abominable act.

For sure, gross and abominable. He got one thing right, but he had to TELL his people that? What kind of backwoods trailer park did this cult come from? There's more;

[4:23] Prohibited for you (in marriage) are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, ... (snipped out two lines) ... your nursing mothers, the girls who nursed from the same woman as you, ...

This goes on for 300 more words, but what's the deal with the nursing? Ooooh, we've stumbled over one of the silliest parts in this whole silly book. So silly the muslims try to keep it on the down low, but a couple years ago the head beardo in Egypt issued a fatwa and let the cat out of the bag. That darn modern media!

THE PROBLEM

In the modern workplace, a man and a woman might sometimes find themselves in the same room.

THE SOLUTION

That's right: Suck on her boobs!

You think I make this shit up? I couldn't, really. I may be a pervert, but I'd never come up with the idea that the woman should slip the guy a nipple, which makes him her son, so it won't be a sin for them to be alone together. That brain fart was from Dr. Izzat Attya of the chief center of Sunni Islamic learning. Just in case you wonder why islamic countries never win Nobel prizes. Naturally, in this issue of Adult Suckling, we should all follow the example of the Prophet (ptui). Of course.

4:29 you shall not kill yourselves.

LOL. Lotta suicide bombers are gonna be sorry they overlooked that verse.

[4:82] Why do they not study the Quran carefully? If it were from other than GOD, they would have found in it numerous contradictions.

ROFLMFAO! So then, I guess we can take this as proof that it's not from god, right?

[004:157]  That they said (in boast), "We killed Christ Jesus the son of Mary, the Apostle of God";- but they killed him not, nor crucified him, but so it was made to appear to them, and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no (certain) know ledge, but only conjecture to follow, for of a surety they killed him not:-

[004:158]  Nay, God raised him up unto Himself; and God is Exalted in Power, Wise

I tried to figure out what they think this means, but gave up for fear of my sanity. They accidentally crucified some other guy, or he got down off the cross, danced a little jig and said “I'm outta here”, or he just pretended to be dead, y'know, to fool them, I don't know. Mohammed's on pretty shaky ground here if you ask me.

4:97-100 Tell you to emigrate if all the sinning and persecuting gets to be too much for you. So much for the Palistinians and their “right of return”. Does anybody ever READ this book?

4:43 Roll in the dirt after you pee? I am NOT making this up. I'm not! This says that if you can't find water, you should “wash” with dirt. (I tried that when I was real little, the washing with dirt thing. Mom didn't like it). It really does. Rub your faces and hands with dirt after you “cometh from offices of nature”, lol. How rubbing your face is going to affect the part of your body that “cometh” I don't see, but shouldn't Allah know about the germ theory of disease?

This is tayammum (dry ablution), and it's really fucking bizarre! It's a stand-in for regular practice where you take a complete bath before every prayer. WTF, you pray five times a day: Are there muslims who really do this? In Anthropology we studied all kinds of weird customs, by cannibals and head hunters, but nothing sillier than this.

All right, my mind's in the gutter, I went looking for that washing thing, and I found this article saying Mohammed has no shadow and his shit don't stink. Really. Here's the money quotes: Mo “did not have a shadow, no Muslim will hesitate in accepting this fact”, and, "his excreta did not leave behind any effect or remains”

Ooooo kay.

General Nastiness

and Corporal Punishment

OBEY MOHAMMED! Do whatever he says, goddammit. He's just like God.

[4:80] He who obeys the Apostle, obeys God:

See? And if that don't convince you there's 4:13, 4:14, 4:42, 4:64, 4:69, and just for good measure,

[004:059] Obey Allah, and obey His Messenger

See? How many damn times I gotta tell ya?

4:89 Infiddles. Doan be frenz wif em.

107,109 don't stick up for other ppl:

[4:107] Do not argue on behalf of those who have wronged their own souls; GOD does not love any betrayer, guilty.
[4:109] Here you are arguing on their behalf in this world; who is going to argue with GOD on their behalf on the Day of Resurrection? Who is going to be their advocate?

Not me, boy that's for sure. None a that touchy-feely sympathy and forgiving and sissy pussy shit for this good old boy. That there Advocate, ain't that a fag newspaper? I just heard about it, don't gimme that look.

Line 18, Mo's onto them Catholics and their death bed confessions:

[4:18] Not acceptable is the repentance of those who commit sins until death comes to them, then say, "Now I repent." Nor is it acceptable from those who die as disbelievers. For these, we have prepared a painful retribution.

-----------------

[4:48] GOD does not forgive idolatry,
Now what does this mean? I thought it meant god doesn't forgive idolatry, but what do I know, I'm just a damned infiddle. Luckily my copy of the koran has a note to explain, (*note:One can always repent from any offense, including idolatry). Now that might seem like a contradiction, but think about it. Just because god will ignore you, that doesn't mean you can't do it. Repent up a storm. You really need your Gullible Goggles for this though;

 

[4:116] GOD does not forgive idol worship      

4:153 “Yet they worshipped the calf even after clear signs had come to them; even so we forgave them”

.............god, make up your mind, god.

I panicked when I came to this:

[4:148] GOD does not like the utterance of bad language,

Oh shit oh fuck oh dear. I am so busted. But wait, my copy is Khalifa's translation, let's look at some others. They don't say fuck bad language at all. Here's Shakir:

[004:148]  Allah does not love the public utterance of hurtful speech unless (it be) by one to whom injustice has been done;

See? We can drop F-bombs like the US Air Force, this isn't about that. “Hurtful speech” that must mean all those calls for jihad and shit—it's OK if you've been injustified. I'm all pagan and shit, I think we should respect the Earth, and everywhere I look I see

This guy's been done an injustice, and since he can't speak for himself, I'll speak for him :

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

There, see? No lightning bolts. If there was a god I'm pretty sure it'd be less pissed at a few vowels and consonants than at exterminating an entire biosphere. Fuck bad language. Fuck bad actions.

In keeping with our general theme of nastiness, that 'beat your wife' verse turned up this quote from Aisha, the Mother of the Believers, who ought to know.
"I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women."(Bukhari 7;72;715).

Word.

Quran in the News

Just when we're reading chapter 4, here it turns up in the news!  Before the Fort Hood killer went apeshit and murdered all those people, he was hanging with the imam asshole in the pic. He's a popular lecturer hatemonger who taught at this islamic center, has the usual rap sheet involving hookers and such, been associated with terrorism for years, and now he's in Yemen, calling the murderer a hero, and citing this verse:

[4:138] Inform the hypocrites that they have incurred painful retribution.
[4:139] They are the ones who ally themselves with disbelievers instead of believers. Are they seeking dignity with them? All dignity belongs with GOD alone.

See, right there, where it says "murder your friends"?  You can't see it? Well, that's because you don't have your fundy fuckwit glasses on.  He does. There's plenty of Bad Shit in this book, but pricks like him don't even need it.

While we're at it, just so we're not picking on muslims, here's a fucken Rabbi who says murdering babies is just peachy, and more news about the good old Catholic Church, who even lends the murderers a hand. I'm so glad these guys have God giving them a moral code; just think if they were atheists!


Now, just to keep from being all grumpy, and because shitforbrains up there deserves it, I give you: LOLAnwars.  Yay!

(hat tip to Signy at Here in Glitnir for this)