Sources

---You remember Adam and the Angels?

---Yeah, man, they had some big hits back in the 80's,

---No, it's not a band, man, it's a story. Like in the koran, man.

---Oh, yeah, I'm hip man. I know that story. Like,
The Man was gonna draft Adam and ship him
off to Earth, and the angels held a big protest,
said he was fascist, called Adam a baby-killer,

^2:30  Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: "I will create a vicegerent on earth." They said:
"Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood?- whilst we do celebrate Thy praises and glorify Thy holy (name)?" He said: "I know what ye know not."

---Yeah, that's the one, man. Well I think I know where old Mo got that story, man.

---No shit man? Well clue me in. And pass the bong

---Sure, man, here. Well see, those Jewish dudes, they have this book called the Bearshit Rabbi

---No man, you mean the Bereshit Rabba. It's Hebrew,
man, and it's commentaries on the bible. It's really deep,
it'll like open your mind, expand your consciousness ...

---Right on, man. I can dig it. Anyway, there's this story in there, on page 46,

Then God said, "Let us make man in our likeness, and let there be a creature not only the product of earth, but also gifted with heavenly, spiritual elements, which will bestow on him reason, intellect, and understanding." Truth then appeared, falling before God's throne, and in all humility exclaimed: "Deign, O God, to refrain from calling into being a creature who is beset with the vice of lying, who will tread truth under his feet." Peace came forth to support this petition. "Wherefore, O lord, shall this creature appear on earth, a creature so full of strife and contention, to disturb the peace and harmony of thy creation? He will carry the flame of quarrel and ill-will in his trail; he will bring about war and destruction in his eagerness for gain and conquest."

---Wow, that's far out, man. Mohammed was ripping 

off the Bereshit. His guru must have been a

Jewish dude. That's some heavy shit man.

---Right on, brother. Gimme another toke, eh?  Anyhow, that's where that weird story in the koran comes from.

Far out, man...

Faking it, Part II

(2:79) But woe to them who fake the Scriptures and say: "This is from God," so that they might earn some profit thereby; and woe to them for what they fake, and woe to them for what they earn from it!

Say What? Quaranenglish sez it's the jewish rabbis, writing their own additions/terps of scripture. Sounds lame to me, but who knows?

Maybe it's talking about this guy. He rewrote the koran to promote Christianity, and tried to get it distributed around the Middle East. Fail! Just for shits and giggles, here's some of the verses.

(1) Alef Lam Saad Meem
(2) Say: O Muslims, You are far astray.
(3) Those who disbelieved in God and his Christ shall have in the life after the fire of hell and a severe torture.

Not exactly subtle, is it? Turns out writing isn't the only thing he's bad at. He got arrested for an Epic Fail at tax evasion. Tried to burn his tax records—in the basement of his condo. If that's not enough for a Darwin Award, he disabled the security cameras—and got filmed doing it. Woe to him, LULZ.

Here's some other guys rewriting scripture. They took out all the parts they think didn't come from Allah because they “promote violence, divisiveness, religious or gender superiority, bigotry, or discrimination”. They scrubbed 62 verses out of chapter two, 22% of it. It's a good start, but how do you know Allah isn't violent, divisive, egotistical, and bigoted? Seems as likely as anything. Maybe there really IS a god, and he's just a colossal fucking asshole. Did you ever think of that? Huh? Didja?

WTFuckeries

Just some random things in chapter 2 that shall forever remain mysteries (unless you can explain them).

--------------------------.---------------------

(2:141) Or do you claim that Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac and Jacob and their offspring were Jews or Christians? Say: "Have you more knowledge than God?" Who is more wicked than he who conceals the testimony he received from God?

Yeah, I claim that. WTF? The Tribe of Israel weren't Jews? What the hell were they, Eskimos?

--------------------------.---------------------

(2:53) Remember, We gave Moses the Book and Discernment of falsehood and truth, that you may be guided.

I counted seventeen times in this chapter when he mentions they had a book for guidance, so WTF

(2:170) ... they reply: "No, we shall follow only what our fathers had practiced," -- even though their fathers had no wisdom or guidance!

God kinda contradicts hisself there.

---------------------.-------------------------
LOL----what color is god?

(139) "We have taken the colouring of God; and whose shade is better than God's?"

Yea, BLUE PEOPLE ROCK!

---------------------.------------------------

Wtf?? what's this culinary advice doing in this paragraph?

(168) And the followers will say: "Could we live but once again we would leave them as they have abandoned us now." God will show them thus their deeds, and fill them with remorse; but never shall they find release from the Fire. O men, eat only the things of the earth that are lawful and good. Do not walk in the footsteps of Satan, your acknowledged enemy.
(169) He will ask you to indulge in evil, indecency, and to speak lies of God you cannot even conceive.

The next two lines are totally unrelated. 170's up above there and 171's that crackhead metaphor in the last post. He starts on food after that ...

(172) O believers, eat what is good of the food We have given you, and be grateful to God, if indeed you are obedient to Him.
(173) Forbidden to you are carrion and blood, and the flesh of the swine, bla bla more about food...

This is where that 'eat' sentence belongs, so why isn't it there? This happens in the koran. Sentences get lost and wander around aimlessly, until a new paragraph finds them and takes them in.

Mohammed Loves Jews

Well well, looky here. Who might this be talking to?

(2:44) ... You also read the Scriptures, why do you then not understand?

Now see if we hadn't done our homework we'd think this was just talking about any old bible humpers or koran thumpers. But we did, and we found out all about Mo moving to Medina. We're onto you Mo. There's lots of Jews in Medina, where all your new cultists are from, so now you have to sell them. And keep in mind how it didn't work out too well in Mecca, talking shit about pagans when you lived with pagans, so maybe you better lighten up a little with the 'you're all doomed to hell' when you talk to the Jews now, hmmm?

Yeah, he's pitching the Jews all right. He never mentioned them before, he was all about hating on the polytheists, but now he's—

(2:47) Remember, O children of Israel, the favours I bestowed on you, and made you exalted among the nations of the world.

Line 123 is the same exact words, and he directly addresses the Jews like that at least six times in this chapter and talks about them a whole bunch more. He goes on about Moses, and he's oh SO NICE, tells how god forgave them for the golden calf episode (line 54), he gave them manna, and made water spring out of the rocks, bla bla, and then LOOK AT THIS:

(2:62) Surely the believers and the Jews, Nazareans and the Sabians, whoever believes in God and the Last Day, and whosoever does right, shall have his reward with his Lord and will neither have fear nor regret.*

WOW! Non-Muslims go to heaven; Whoo-ee. Did Osama bin Laden read this part? Seems like I remember moslems saying bad things about the Jews. Let's bookmark this line, coz how long do you bet we'll go before it gets bukaked and buttfucked?**

*note: Some of the most popular translators use parentheses to stick in extra words so it means the opposite—only muslims go to heaven.
*tip: you only have to wait till the next chapter, 3:85.

Mohamed says bad things about the Jews, like, they killed Jesus (72), worshiped a golden calf (51, 93), don't believe all the scriptures (86), don't believe him ... but it's the Jews he's talking to, and he's just telling them “YOU'RE SINNERS!” It's tried and true preacher mode. If a preacher can't tell his marks congregants they're sinners, how's he gonna fill the collection plate save their souls? Christian ministers'd be begging in the streets.

This approach wouldn't work too well with pagans, cause they never had any tradition of original sin, or books, apostles, revelation, any of that crap. It's made to order for Jews, though, who were lubed up and ready for the next prophet to come. Trick is for old Mo to convince them he Da Man. Can he do it? Will he get his money for nuthin and his chicks for free? Stay tuned.

the Torah Test

Ok, girls and boys, we've read chapter 18 of the koran, and god has left us totally baffled with his perfectly clear and complete word. So we've plunged ahead into blasphemy and like, OMG, looked stuff up. Here is what we've found.

There's four stories: the Seven Sleepers, Jerk 'n Prick, Zal Qarnayn the wall-builder, and al- Khidr the murderer.

The fish story is just a lead-in to the murderer story, and that one doesn't go with the others. Here's how it went down.

Mohammed was bothering the pagans in Mecca, hanging around their main temple saying they were all full of shit and would go to hell, like if a hellfire Southern Baptist set up a tent revival in the Vatican. Instead of kicking his ass, or just busting it and throwing it in the slammer, the pagans went to the Jews for advice. They were all “We need a way to test this freak, see if he's for real?”

and the Jews were like “Try taking some really obscure stories from the Torah and ask him about them. If he knows this shit he's gotta be a prophet.”

Pagans: “Lol, good one. Whattaya got?”

Jews: “Ok, listen up. Ask him about the Seven Sleepers, and Zal-Qarnain; and ask him what the soul is.”

Pagans. “Soul, sleepers, Zal-qarnayn. Got it. Kthxbai.”

They went and asked, and Miracle of Miracles! Mo had the answers didn't know shit, (hold the Miracles) but he came back two weeks later after he snuck off and asked his Jewish buddy God revealed a revelation to him, and then boy he showed them boy. He recited the hell out of this chapter, y'know the one we just read and couldn't figure out what the hell it meant? That one.

And then they didn't kick his ass. Those were some nice pagans I'll tell ya, I would've just for his crappy storytelling. Anyway this chapter is his answers to the Torah Test. Verses 9-26 tell about the seven sleepers—you remember, those zombies we had to look up. The parable of Jerk 'n Prick in v32-44 are his answer to “what's the soul?” No wonder I couldn't figure out the moral—it's not a parable. It's a description. Of the soul. That it never talks about. Like this Leprechaun. Right here.

Then he tells the fish/murderer story, because when you have three questions on a test, it helps to write some totally unrelated essays right in the middle, your professors will appreciate it. Those're verses 60-82, and after them comes Zal-Qarnayn, that killer of muddy springs and builder of metal walls. He's not the same guy as the murderer in the fish story, he's an old myth that floated around in Mo's day, probly about Alexander the Great, but maybe Cyrus the Great, or Darius II, or Bill, or Fred. It's controversial, and by controversial I mean nobody has a fricking clue. But remember what god said, lol,

We did not leave anything out of this book," Noble Quran, Chapter 6:38.

That explains why, and by explain I mean totally contradicts, why the only other thing it says about Gog & Magog, is this little scrap:

(21:96) Even when Gog and Magog are let loose and they shall break forth from every elevated place.

Apparently they're still back there behind that metal wall that doesn't exist, doomed to keep breaking their nails on it until judgment day. They're mentioned in the hadith, but those came later; Mo got it from Ezekial 38-9, unless he went clear back to the Norse Tales of Asgard, where Loki lies struggling against the chains that hold him fast to the foundation stones of Midgard until the day he breaks free at the beginning of Ragnarok, the Doom of the Gods.

Much better story-telling, that.

Sura Ten Drive-by

There's nothing particularly interesting in chapter 10 and it's tempting to just say, “there's nothing interesting in this chapter.” LOL, I could repeat that 114 times and be done with the whole Koran! But I can't--the nuns in grade school always gave me low marks in 'perseverance,' and if I take the easy way out now, they will have been right. So here I am slodging through this thing, halfway done and still going. Damn you Sister Dominatrix, damn you!

Here we go, drive-by comments:

7. As for those who do not hope to meet Us (after death), and are content with the life of this world, who are oblivious of Our signs,
8. Will have Hell as their abode ...

Being content with life is a flaw? Me and Hobbes beg to differ.

27. But those who earn evil shall be punished to an equal degree as their evil, and they will be covered with shame, and will have none to protect them against God: Their faces shall be blackened as though with patches of the night. They are the people of Hell, where they will abide for ever,

People say this is not like the Bible's 'Mark of Caine', where people with dark skin are cursed. At least, that's not how Mo meant it, but that hasn't stopped his followers from reading it that way. I give you the African slave trade, all the way up to Darfur today....

Verse 38 is the famous Sura Challenge, that we've seen before. Nobody but god hisself could make a sura like this, sez he. NOT!

Verse 41 is a nice change, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. It sounds like Jesus snuck in a verse from the sermon on the mount,

41. If they (still) call you a liar, tell them: "For me my actions, for you yours. You are not answerable for my deeds, nor I for what you do."

Allllriiightt!! Hallelujah! Amen, brother!

Now if you shitcanned the other 108 verses, this whole chapter'd be good. Like this one—shitcan this verse, please!

44. Surely God does not wrong anyone; they wrong themselves.

Mohammed showing his abusive personality again. “Stop making me hurt you, you stupid bitch! If you just had dinner on the table when I get home...” Yeah right, Mo, it's always the victims fault. Eat shit.

Here's God settling the Palestinian Question again, giving Israel to the Jews, and look what they go and do:

93. We gave the people of Israel a settled abode, and bestowed good things on them to eat and use. So they did not differ until they came to have knowledge.

God's cranky here; "Those uppity Jews, going and getting all edumacated. Why ain't they never content just kissing my ass, why they always gotta go larn stuff? Been a problem ever since that damn Tree in the Garden."

Here's an interesting tidbit. The US has a University for every 61,000 people, the entire muslim world has one per 3 million. Of course, some of ours are useless Christian ones like Bob Jone's, or Regent's.

Religion + Knowledge = 0

Finally, to end this Sura on an appropriately surreal note, we have verse 104.

104 “I worship God who makes you die”

WTF???

O Why Jerusalem

Mohammedans have been fighting over Jerusalem all my life, since it's “the third holiest site in Islam”. Now I find out that “Islam is the Quran”, and the Quran doesn't even mention Jerusalem. So I gotta ask, why such a hard-on for the place?

Believe it or not, it's entirely because in 17:1 the Koran mentions a “farthest mosque” whose surroundings are blessed. I was like “Whoa, islam hadn't even been invented yet, so there couldn't be any mosques,” but I was wrong wrong wrong. “Mosque” is an old word, and in Mo's day it just meant 'a place of worship”, didn't matter who worshiped what. So the farthest mosque from Mo would've been Temitagi Atoll in French Polynesia. It's environs are pretty blessed (STREAMS AND FRUIT! WOO!) , but it's not likely Allah would bless a lot of naked pagan polytheists, lol.

When Mo had this so-called revelation, he was a two-bit preacher in Mecca with a very small flock, like Billy Bob's 5^th Street Church of the Lard. It was Mighty Mo's Muslim Mecca Mission. And just like Rev. Billy Bob, he dreamed of bigger things, and just like every cult he inflated his membership numbers: “We're not just those you see here today. No sir, we have thousands of other members at our other site, the far-off Mo's Mighty Moslem Megachurch. “ And where would that be? Well, a group of his cult members ran off to Ethiopia during the Satanic Verses fiasco, so my bet would be there, but do muslims follow what's logical? Not on your life! (Oops, bad word choice!) Oh hell, no. They claim it must be Jerusalem.

Say What? The Jews' holy city? WTF? Where'd this come from? Well, there is one little piece of evidence they point to: when Mo moved to Medina he changed the direction of praying—towards Jerusalem instead of Mecca—for a while. The Hadith tell all about it, and even tell why—he wanted to suck up to the Jews, and when they wouldn't listen to him, he said “fuck them Jews” and changed it back. ('Course, he got even later by having them all massacred.)

So from this, the “furthest mosque must be Jerusalem"? Sorry, EPIC FAIL! Are you ready for a huge heaping plateful of irony? Here is what the Koran says about the Jews IN THE VERY SAME CHAPTER. Verse 4-7 say the book tells Jews god'll wreck their temple, twice. If you''re a glutton for punishment you can read in the Bible all about how the Babylonians sacked Jerusalem, and then the Romans. That's twice. That's all you get, Muslims, so lay off. Besides, y'know what else is in the Koran? 17:104 We told the children of Israel: "Dwell in the land...5:21, God has Moses tell the Jews “enter the holy land which Allah has prescribed for you. And in 30:1 30:3 [thanks to Mathurine for correcting this] it calls Palestine adna al-ard "the closest land", not the farthest.

So listen up, moslems, this is your own god talking, and he's telling you a big fat “Keep yer kumquat-picking hands off Jerusalem; it goes to the Jews. You get Mecca; suck it up.”

So back to square one. Why do moslems have a hard-on for the jews' sacred city? Turns out its all a con job. Just like George Bush convinced everybody that Saddam and Osama were BFF whose camels were loaded with anthraxy ICBM's aimed at every Burger King in America and the only way to save the world was to OMFG INVADE BAGHDAD RIGHT NOW!!!, Saladin wanted to kick the Crusaders out so he convinced the sheeple that Jerusalem was the holiest-est holy place evah, with filthy infidel feet defiling it, and the only way to save the world was to OMFG GET JERUSALEM BACK RIGHT NOW!!! And that's how it became all holy and shit, it's just politics. You can get all the details here.

ps. It wasn't easy sorting all this stuff out. You may worship me.

Update: OK, so where is this 'farthest mosque'? I forgot to say, but KICS laid it out real clear in this post, comment #3.

Mohammed Preaches the Bible

Here in the Middle Meccan suras we're infested with Bible stories. Mo maybe learned something from his little dustup over Uzza & Co. and now he's adopting the Christian model for his sermons. Between chapters 38 and 7 he's mentioned David, Solomon, Abraham Isaac & Jacob, Noah, Pharoah, and Lot; also 'Ad and Thamud, a couple of obscure desert kingdoms nobody cares about.

He's not very good at it yet. Both 50 and 38 told us to be like the Dwellers of the Wood, even though nobody knows who they were. In chapter 7, v124 has the Pharaoh crucifying people when there is no record they ever did any such thing, them not having trees and all. And v137 says all the structures raised by the Egyptians were destroyed. I could have sworn I've heard of pyramids and temples and stuff being over there. Especially Mt Sinai, even though v143 says it crumbled to dust.

(124) "I will have your hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, and have you all crucified."
(137)...whatsoever the Pharaoh and his people had fashioned, and the structures they had raised, were destroyed.
(143) ... when his Lord appeared on the mountain in His effulgence, it crumbled to a heap of dust,...

What's with all these inaccuracies? The pitch is that god has everything written down in a book up in heaven. This chapter refers to a book at least 14 times---v204 even calls it the Quran. (!!) Mo's all “Yer god sux, mine has a book!”
Well, our stupid old earthly Quran says the Thamud were destroyed by an earthquake(7:78), but then it turns around in 11:67 and says it was a 'blast from heaven'. So is god's book all fucked up or did Mo just copy it wrong? Seems like they could tell the difference; an earthquake I hear comes from underground; as in the underworld, aka hel, not heaven.

Aside from getting the details wrong, Mo leaves most of them out. His versions are usually only a few sentences, so this whole chapter just keeps using different names to repeat the same bare bones plot:

1. A prophet shows up,
2. people diss prophet,
3. God kills everybody.

It comes off as a lot of dick-waving, and then this line sums up nicely:

(94) There is not a region to which We sent a prophet and did not inflict upon its people adversity and hardship so that they may submit.

All-mutherfucking-merciful, that. And if that's not clear enough there's this charming tale by way of illustration,

(163) Enquire of them about the town situated by the sea where, when they did not keep the Sabbath, the fish came up to the surface of the water for them; but on days other than the Sabbath the fish did not come. We tried them in this way, for they were disobedient.

See, God gives people a choice: work on the sabbath or don't eat. They pass his trial if they starve to death while they sit watching all those big juicy Mackerel god taunts them with every Sunday. Then of course when they chose not to die of hunger, he

(165) ... inflicted on the wicked a dreadful punishment.

Well, why wouldn't he? It'll teach them sons-a-bitches to complain when allah feels like torturing innocent people to get his rocks off. You know what? Fuck you, Allah. And fuck you, Mohammed. Look—according to the Quran it's OK to say that:

7:180 "leave those alone who act profanely towards His names"

ROFL! Could this be any less consistent? And then it asks

7:184 "Have they not bethought themselves their companion is not mad?"

You'd have to becrazy to bethink he wasn't. Or bethink he wasn't a mean sonuvabitch besides.

(ps. Don't miss Kafirgirl's fisk of Ch7.)

God Will Go To Hell

This first chapter (75) of the Middle Meccan period is all devoted to Judgment day. The pagans never had anything like that, so this whole idea of a last day, resurrection and afterlife is all stolen from the Christians, apparently. They should have copyrighted that shit.
So what happens on that last day? Well, the sun and moon will be joined together (v9). Whatever that means, it doesn't sound good. Some peeps will be happy—they get two lines, and some will not be—they get eleven lines. Predictably, Mo only spends 15 percent of his speechifying on good stuff, and 85% on punishments, working himself up. Are we seeing the trend here? He seems to get his rocks off with these last two lines.

34. Alas the woe for you, alas!
35. Alas, the woe for you!

A wierd thing about this chapter is that v16-19 only make sense if you look at them as an interruption, Of course there is absolutely nothing to indicate this, except that they don't make sense otherwise. Have you ever been talking to someone wearing a headset and saying things into the phone while they are talking to you? Does it seem rude and inconsiderate? Well, that's god for you: these lines are supposed to be an aside from god to Mo, telling him not to rush through this shit, to take his time and remember it. Supposedly because it was a new thing and he hadn't got the hang of it yet. Dude, this is the 29th one! Let's face it, they know fuck all about what order chapters these go in.
Chapter 104, The Slanderers, spends 6 of its 9 verses saying how awful hell is, which is where slanderers will go. Since god says Jews are apes and pigs, (7:166, 2:65, 5:60...), a clearly "false and defamatory statement" it looks like god will go to hell. There's no question these guys will, or these guys, or this guy.

That's the first two revelations of the Middle Mecca Period. We're heading into some serious preachin' ahead. Next up: Chapter 77, The Emissaries.

How it all went down

Sequence-wise, there are two versions. Either;

v96-pouting in a cave; then 68-pout/parable/pout; 73-I'm moses!; 74-decides to preach...

OR, the minority opinion,

v96-pouting in a cave; 74-decides to preach; 68-pout/parable/pout; then 73-I'm moses!

This last would have him decide to go preach before he convinced himself he was Neo-Moses. My guess is it takes some time to freefall into raving lunacy convince yourself you are god's mouthpiece. So a first appearance, then six months gap to get used to the idea. A little more god-visiting, with doubts about his own sanity receding under the madness, until he finally thinks yeah, I'm fucken Moses. Look out beeyitches! Once 'god' had given him that he'd feel totally justified to go preach to others. Chapter 1 & 111 are what he preached: Mostly just believe his shtick, with side forays to turn his inductees against the local religions and sane people who tried to talk them out of joining the cult. Typical prophet shit.


We already looked at chapter 1. When it talks about being on the straight path, and

(7) Not of those who have earned Your anger, nor those who have gone astray,

it's not just a general exhortation to be good like naive old me thought before I got acquainted with Mo. Naw, it's more hate-mongering. The Jews have earned God's anger, and the Christians have gone astray. If he'd known about all the other religions waiting to be condemned outside his little corner of Arabia I bet this'd be the longest chapter in the book.

Chapter 111 is a footnote, like most of the later ones ones at the end of the book. Here's the whole thing:

111 the Noose

1. Destroyed will be the hands of Abu Lahab and he himself will perish.
2. Of no avail shall be his wealth, nor what he has acquired.
3. He will be roasted in the fire,
4. And his wife, the portress of fire wood,
5. Will have a strap of fibre rope around her neck.

Shades of the Old South, what did this this couple do? Nothing much, he was Mo's uncle, and he just didn't wanna put up with old Mo's bullshit. So what'd his wife do? Well, she was married to somebody who pissed Mo off, the fucking bitch!

Notice the Koran doesn't bother to tell you WHY these people who lived 1400 years ago need to burn in Hell, just so you know they're there. What important moral lesson does this teach?-don't name your kid Abu Lahab? Got it covered. Don't marry anyone named Abu Lahab? OK. And Pol Pot or Hitler don't even get a shoutout. Priorities, man.