Mohammed Preaches the Bible

Here in the Middle Meccan suras we're infested with Bible stories. Mo maybe learned something from his little dustup over Uzza & Co. and now he's adopting the Christian model for his sermons. Between chapters 38 and 7 he's mentioned David, Solomon, Abraham Isaac & Jacob, Noah, Pharoah, and Lot; also 'Ad and Thamud, a couple of obscure desert kingdoms nobody cares about.

He's not very good at it yet. Both 50 and 38 told us to be like the Dwellers of the Wood, even though nobody knows who they were. In chapter 7, v124 has the Pharaoh crucifying people when there is no record they ever did any such thing, them not having trees and all. And v137 says all the structures raised by the Egyptians were destroyed. I could have sworn I've heard of pyramids and temples and stuff being over there. Especially Mt Sinai, even though v143 says it crumbled to dust.

(124) "I will have your hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, and have you all crucified."
(137)...whatsoever the Pharaoh and his people had fashioned, and the structures they had raised, were destroyed.
(143) ... when his Lord appeared on the mountain in His effulgence, it crumbled to a heap of dust,...

What's with all these inaccuracies? The pitch is that god has everything written down in a book up in heaven. This chapter refers to a book at least 14 times---v204 even calls it the Quran. (!!) Mo's all “Yer god sux, mine has a book!”
Well, our stupid old earthly Quran says the Thamud were destroyed by an earthquake(7:78), but then it turns around in 11:67 and says it was a 'blast from heaven'. So is god's book all fucked up or did Mo just copy it wrong? Seems like they could tell the difference; an earthquake I hear comes from underground; as in the underworld, aka hel, not heaven.

Aside from getting the details wrong, Mo leaves most of them out. His versions are usually only a few sentences, so this whole chapter just keeps using different names to repeat the same bare bones plot:

1. A prophet shows up,
2. people diss prophet,
3. God kills everybody.

It comes off as a lot of dick-waving, and then this line sums up nicely:

(94) There is not a region to which We sent a prophet and did not inflict upon its people adversity and hardship so that they may submit.

All-mutherfucking-merciful, that. And if that's not clear enough there's this charming tale by way of illustration,

(163) Enquire of them about the town situated by the sea where, when they did not keep the Sabbath, the fish came up to the surface of the water for them; but on days other than the Sabbath the fish did not come. We tried them in this way, for they were disobedient.

See, God gives people a choice: work on the sabbath or don't eat. They pass his trial if they starve to death while they sit watching all those big juicy Mackerel god taunts them with every Sunday. Then of course when they chose not to die of hunger, he

(165) ... inflicted on the wicked a dreadful punishment.

Well, why wouldn't he? It'll teach them sons-a-bitches to complain when allah feels like torturing innocent people to get his rocks off. You know what? Fuck you, Allah. And fuck you, Mohammed. Look—according to the Quran it's OK to say that:

7:180 "leave those alone who act profanely towards His names"

ROFL! Could this be any less consistent? And then it asks

7:184 "Have they not bethought themselves their companion is not mad?"

You'd have to becrazy to bethink he wasn't. Or bethink he wasn't a mean sonuvabitch besides.

(ps. Don't miss Kafirgirl's fisk of Ch7.)