the Torah Test

Ok, girls and boys, we've read chapter 18 of the koran, and god has left us totally baffled with his perfectly clear and complete word. So we've plunged ahead into blasphemy and like, OMG, looked stuff up. Here is what we've found.

There's four stories: the Seven Sleepers, Jerk 'n Prick, Zal Qarnayn the wall-builder, and al- Khidr the murderer.

The fish story is just a lead-in to the murderer story, and that one doesn't go with the others. Here's how it went down.

Mohammed was bothering the pagans in Mecca, hanging around their main temple saying they were all full of shit and would go to hell, like if a hellfire Southern Baptist set up a tent revival in the Vatican. Instead of kicking his ass, or just busting it and throwing it in the slammer, the pagans went to the Jews for advice. They were all “We need a way to test this freak, see if he's for real?”

and the Jews were like “Try taking some really obscure stories from the Torah and ask him about them. If he knows this shit he's gotta be a prophet.”

Pagans: “Lol, good one. Whattaya got?”

Jews: “Ok, listen up. Ask him about the Seven Sleepers, and Zal-Qarnain; and ask him what the soul is.”

Pagans. “Soul, sleepers, Zal-qarnayn. Got it. Kthxbai.”

They went and asked, and Miracle of Miracles! Mo had the answers didn't know shit, (hold the Miracles) but he came back two weeks later after he snuck off and asked his Jewish buddy God revealed a revelation to him, and then boy he showed them boy. He recited the hell out of this chapter, y'know the one we just read and couldn't figure out what the hell it meant? That one.

And then they didn't kick his ass. Those were some nice pagans I'll tell ya, I would've just for his crappy storytelling. Anyway this chapter is his answers to the Torah Test. Verses 9-26 tell about the seven sleepers—you remember, those zombies we had to look up. The parable of Jerk 'n Prick in v32-44 are his answer to “what's the soul?” No wonder I couldn't figure out the moral—it's not a parable. It's a description. Of the soul. That it never talks about. Like this Leprechaun. Right here.

Then he tells the fish/murderer story, because when you have three questions on a test, it helps to write some totally unrelated essays right in the middle, your professors will appreciate it. Those're verses 60-82, and after them comes Zal-Qarnayn, that killer of muddy springs and builder of metal walls. He's not the same guy as the murderer in the fish story, he's an old myth that floated around in Mo's day, probly about Alexander the Great, but maybe Cyrus the Great, or Darius II, or Bill, or Fred. It's controversial, and by controversial I mean nobody has a fricking clue. But remember what god said, lol,

We did not leave anything out of this book," Noble Quran, Chapter 6:38.

That explains why, and by explain I mean totally contradicts, why the only other thing it says about Gog & Magog, is this little scrap:

(21:96) Even when Gog and Magog are let loose and they shall break forth from every elevated place.

Apparently they're still back there behind that metal wall that doesn't exist, doomed to keep breaking their nails on it until judgment day. They're mentioned in the hadith, but those came later; Mo got it from Ezekial 38-9, unless he went clear back to the Norse Tales of Asgard, where Loki lies struggling against the chains that hold him fast to the foundation stones of Midgard until the day he breaks free at the beginning of Ragnarok, the Doom of the Gods.

Much better story-telling, that.


PersonalFailure said...

I should think that all prophetic tests would have to be answered on the spot, or declared invalid. Those weren't just nice pagans, they were very credulous pagans.

Did Mo sell them any bridges while he was at it?

Geds said...

Any time, "To read the Torah," can be mumbled under your breath after, "I'll be back in two weeks," you're officially doing something wrong...

Also, in general, high-larious. Plus boobs. And Norse myth. That's some good work there.