Leave Not a Single One on Earth!

Sura 71, Noah, tells the story of Noah. Besides that glimmer of logic, it stays on topic for its whole 28 verses. Wow. Logic ! Consistency ! Approximately six people, hidden deep in the jungles of the Amazon, don't know this story and anyway it's just another clone of Mohammed's favorite topic, GWFYU, so I got nuthin' to say about it. I marked a few things, though--it mentions those seven heavens Mo visited in his night journey.

15 "'See ye not how Allah has created the seven heavens one above another,

Uhhh, actually, no, I don't see. Not even if I look up in the sky, and squint real hard. No heavens. Sorry.

Koran bashers have a field day with these:

16 "'And made the moon a light in their midst, and made the sun as a (Glorious) Lamp?

19 "'And Allah has made the earth for you as a carpet (spread out),

I'm not gonna pile on. Sure, it implies the earth is flat, and the moon isn't actually a light, but how literal do we have to be? You'll have a short and unhappy life if every metaphor you hear puts your diapers in a knot. Chill.

23 "And they have said (to each other), 'Abandon not your gods: Abandon neither Wadd nor Suwa', neither Yaguth nor Ya'uq, nor Nasr';-

Those drowned people had gods named Wadd, Suwa', Yaguth, Ya'uq, and Nasr'. Who knew? Actually, a few super Indiana Jones type archaeologists or historians do know: those were gods worshiped by people back in Mo's day in obscure corners of South Arabia. That's interesting: Noah didn't worship them, and their worshipers all drowned, but thousands of years later people were still worshiping them in Arabia? It's almost like some Arabian guy made all this shit up.

Here's the real insult: Where's Uzza? You motherfuckers, how do you get off talking up gods of south Arabia and not mention the magnificent Star Goddess of the Mornings and Evenings and my two awesome sisters? We demand equal time. At least. Or I won't believe in you any more. Fair's fair, after all.

As usual, it ends with something bad.

26 And Noah, said: "O my Lord! Leave not of the Unbelievers, a single one on earth!

Now that's a great prayer. Let's try it out. “O my Lord! Leave not of the Muslims, a single one on earth!” Nice, I like it.

“O my Lord! Leave not of the Christians, a single one on earth! Leave not of the Gays, a single one on earth! Leave not of the Blacks, the Liberals, the Gays, a single one on earth!” Get the red-headed and left-handed people too. And smite the fuck outta all those intolerant people too, Lord. Amen”

Keep in mind that when Noah was egging god on to kill everybody, HIS OWN SON was one of the victims. Speaking as one whose own son is dead, let me just say this: Fuck Noah. I flush better things down the toilet.


Lorena said...

Uhhh, actually, no, I don't see. Not even if I look up in the sky, and squint real hard. No heavens. Sorry. --

LOL! I would love to see you squinting "really hard."

Great post. I join you fucking Noah. I would also "pray" that no Christians were left, but hey, that would make me a relative-free widow.

Baal's Bum said...

So the koran paints as good a picture of Noah as does the bible.
Do you think that mostly these stories have been twisted so the now have exactly the opposite moral lesson ?

uzza said...

No matter how I turn it and peer at it, the only moral lesson I can see is "do what you're told or we'll kill you". If you call that moral.