The Bible


Page 1

1 “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.” Check

2 “And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.”
Hold it. The earth was void? That means it didn't have anything in it. No form, nothing in it; not much of an earth; where's the deep?

 And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.” Wait, what? We've got heaven and we've got earth, but the earth has no form, nothing in it, but somewhere there's waters, so apparently the earth is made of water? Unless the deep is in heaven—don't know yet, although wherever they are, the spirit of god is moving around on them. Another puzzle: it isn't god moving around, just his spirit. Odd.

The universe looks like a sex ed diagram. Anyway,
3And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. No problem there. Go, god. 

4And God saw the light, that it was good:
okay. and God divided the light from the darkness.
Wait, what? First we had darkness, over the deep, then he created light, but the light wasn't separate from the darkness? How is that possible? Did he make it first as kind of twilight, and then later divided the light into one spot? This is weird.

5And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. Good names there, god. And the evening and the morning were the first day. 

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

All right, that clears up about the waters. He's got a firmament, “the arch or vault of the sky” in the waters, so the waters are not in earth, they're in heaven, and heaven is apparently in the sky. Got it.

7And God made the firmament,
uhhh, you already said that. Presumably he didn't make two firmaments. I sure hope not. and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.


8And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. Hold it. He created heaven, that had water in it, or was made of water, and he called it 'heaven'. In the middle of it he put this 'firmament' thingy, and says the firmament is 'heaven'. Is heaven still 'heaven' too? How do I tell them apart? 

9And God said, Let the waters under the heaven
The 'heaven' heaven or the firmament 'heaven'? be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
Huh? The waters coalesce into one lump, and reveals dry land, right up there above the earth. The earth is land, so “the dry land” was already there. Shouldn't he have said “let more dry land appear?” confusing. 

10And God called the dry land Earth; Oh, no! This again? Is god just trying to confuse me? Does he mean the moon? If the moon is 'earth'; what's earth?

and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. That's beginning to be a matter of opinion.

11And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
On which earth? Either all this shit is on the new dry land and the original earth is underneath it, or, there's a huge blob of dry land up in the sky with a lot of plants growing on it. Does NASA know about this? 

12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 

13And the evening and the morning were the third day.
So now, after three days, earth (one of them) has
(a) grass, (b) herbs that bear seeds (c) fruit trees, (d) no water (e) darkness on earth, light is somewhere else. How do these plants live?

14And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven WTF? You want lights in the what? The firmament you now call heaven has a firmament inside it? Lights Where? What?
to divide the day from the night;
The fuck?? Day and night have been divided since the first day. God said so already. and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven
(wherever that is!) to give light upon the earth: (the original one or the fruity moon one?) and it was so. so that light he made on the first day wasn't on the earth at all. What good was it? 

16And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night:
Huh? He already made lights for the earth. Why's he need another one? Maybe there's two suns? Why the hell not, he just made another moon to go with the fruits & herbs one. he made the stars also. Now that would impress me,ordinarily. I'm getting a little jaded. 

17And God set them in the firmament of the heaven
(@#@*#&!!) to give light upon the earth,
18And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness:
(didn't he already do that? and God saw that it was good. Well, at least somebody likes it. 

19And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. 

Ohhhh, kay!
And that's more than we need to know about this book.

1 comment:

Infidel753 said...

I don't envy you the endurance it must have taken to get through thinking in depth about all that nonsense.

When you factor in inadequate nutrition, disease, ignorance, and the stresses of the environment, most people who lived on Earth 3,000 years ago were probably, by modern standards, mentally retarded.

If a lot of the Old Testament sounds like the incoherent babble of brain-damaged people, it's because that's what it actually is. If you look at it that way, you can see where this stuff came from.