Koran Fu Fighting

Chapter 2, lines 190-194.  Jihad!!!   WhooHoo!!!
He was talking about fasting, and all of a sudden he says to fight. What?

(2:190) Fight those in the way of God who fight you, but do not be aggressive: God does not like aggressors.

Oh, shit, he's changed the damned topic again. I guess. Unless somebody's trying to force me to eat. Lessee, we're spozed to fight in the way of god, not just any old way. Drunken Monkey style is out, grasshopper, we must use God Fu, and none other. But who are we spozed to fight?

(191) And fight those (who fight you) wheresoever you find them, and expel them from the place they had turned you out from.

Well OK, if they're fighting me I don't think I'll have a hard time finding them, I'll just look on the other end of their Fist of Death. I was wondering why they are fighting me in the first place (did I do sumpthin bad?), so thanks for clearing that up. They turned me out, those meanies. One time I got turned out from a bar for being drunk and disorderly (well, “dry humping on the dance floor” is how they put it, but still). I reckon I should go back there and open a can of whoopass on them fellas, huh?

Oppression is worse than killing.

Wait, WHAT? What? Just what? I am unable to parse this sentence. Just continue.

Do not fight them by the Holy Mosque unless they fight you there. If they do, then slay them:

Huh? Are you on crack, God? If they fight me Imma fight them back, mosque or no mosque. Again I ask, why would they fight me in the first place? I have never dry humped in a mosque, honest. Truth to tell, I've never set foot in a mosque, wet or dry. If it means getting into some Crouching Tiger, Leaping Lizard scenario I've got a better idea—don't fucking go there. Slay them? Are serious? WTF? How about I just leave instead?

Such is the requital for unbelievers.

Now what? I gotta go slay all the damn unbelievers? Jesus Christ, you know how long that'd take? There's billions of them fuckers. There's billions of them by the Holy Mosque from the looks of it. I'd be slaying 24/7 for the rest of my life. Whyncha slay 'em yer own self?

(192) But if they desist, God is forgiving and kind.

Oh, cool, if they don't fight me I don't have to slay them. Goody, cuz that's a real mood killer. If they don't desist is god still forgiving and kind, like if I keep on dryhumping and they keep on turning me out? If I still have to slay them it kind of takes the fun out of it. How about I just behave myself and instead of turning me out they buy me a drink and we all go home and have threesomes? Copacetic?

(193) Fight them till sedition comes to end, and

Say what? Sedition? Why you gotta bring politics into this? Nobody's gonna be overthrowing any government while they're in my bedroom lemme tell ya. I'll tie them to the bedposts. Some to think of it ... never mind. What does this even MEAN? Hilali-Khan, help me out here, give me a better translation, please!

193) And fight them until there is no more Fitnah (disbelief and worshipping of others along with Allah) and (all and every kind of) worship is for Allah (Alone). But if they cease, let there be no transgression except against Az-Zalimun (the polytheists, and wrong-doers, etc.)

Damn, you are really harshin' my buzz, y'know? Even if I went back to that bar and slew everybody till they worshiped Allah (good luck with that!) I still have to go around transgressing. You have issues, bub. You want me to fight against the polytheists even if they cease fighting against me? Forget you, they weren't doing that in the first place (well, when I acted like an asshole). I'll just stay out of your dumb mosque, not fight anybody, pick up that hunky polytheist at the corner table, go home and be all aggressive, just not the way you're thinking.

Surah Fucking Two

You know how long eternity is? It's how long I've been stuck in Chapter 2 of the koran, that's how long it it. It's so different from the first two thirds, it's like I teleported into a different church. The old preacher was all ragging on polytheist pagans, with Buraqs, and djinns and Uzza Lat and Manat. Just when I figured out all that crap, this one goes to talking about Christians and being all buddy buddy with Jews, mangling their old stories and snubbing Hagar.

Make that three different preachers. The first part is all sucking off the Jews, then about line 145-51 he goes all Sybil, Nazi Mo takes over the body, and Jews are Teh Ebil. It's like in a bar you overhear this guy saying “That chick at the next table is really nice, imma go over there” and three minutes later, on the way back from the dance floor you hear “She's a fucking bitch!” and you know he didn't score. That's Mo with the Jews, he's got no game.

By the end of the chapter he Sybils again into Micro Manage Mo, spelling out all kinds of civic duties for his peeps. He's got some followers to boss around now, and he's sticking his nose way all up in their business.

This sura starts after the move to Medina where the Jews were, that explains the first part of it. You can picture little Mohammedans in suits and ties, going door to door on little bicycles, “Hello, would you like to hear about how you'll burn in hell?” Assuming all this is in the right order, (which is like having a catholic priest babysit) in 44-7 and 62 the Jews were all People of the Book, brother, we love ya man, but by line 80 or 90 he was turning Nazi and God Hates Jews:

(97) You will see they are covetous of life more than other men, even more than those who practise idolatry. Each one of them desires to live a thousand years, although longevity will never save them from punishment, for God sees all they do.

Lines 145-51 are about changing the qibla, and it was about a year and a half after the move that they turned their bums towards Jerusalem, in late 623, so that must be when these lines came. Verses after that would be from 624. God is officially a bigot by then (and dont forget, abrogation!). By line 191-4 he's totally jumped the shark, goes all jihadi on us

(193) Fight them till sedition comes to end, and the law of God (prevails).

Around line 177 he starts getting all legalistic, telling everybody how to live, how to treat women (bad), interest rates, security, how to wipe your ass—no wait, that's in the hadith. You use five stones, in case you're interested. Ouch.

He's getting pretty bossy. Ten years as a no-account street preacher who couldn't get any followers, and now his cult has a few actual members, he starts throwing his weight around. Ask me if I'm surprised. Go ahead, say “Are you surprised?” Then I can say “Shit no, because I've read Jim Jones' life story, and Joseph Smith's, and Shoko Asahara's, and L. Ron Hubbard's and a whole clown car of guys who claim god talks to them, and this is just what they do, right before they start stealing money, breaking laws, and diddling little girls.” But I'm getting ahead of the story.

An interesting thing happened in 624—Mo'd been trying to diversify for a long time and he finally landed another source of income. Up till now he's had to rely on the Marjoe scam—fire&brimstone his cultists into filling the collection plate—but he doesn't have to rely on begging for donations anymore, no sir, fuck all that preaching about how to get streams and fruit, he can just sit back and give orders now. He's hit the big time, baby.

(to be cont.)

Compulsion in Religion

Still in Chapter two, here's the other most famous verse in the koran,

(2:256) There is no compulsion in matters of faith.

This agrees with back in 2:62 it said anybody good goes to heaven—Jews, Sabeans, the lot. And 2:212 says it's only wishful thinking that nobody does except Jews and Christians, moslems do too, so neener neener.

Mo is just so touchy-feely here, it's really hard to square it with all his talking shit about unbelievers when he was back in Mecca. He's suddenly gone all soft, but remember the other famous verse? How long d'ya think it'll be before he reverts to form and abrogates this one, like he did before when he said he "fabricated things against god"?

Something's gotta happen, because there's sure and the fuck compulsion in it now.

How Do I Worship Thee

Koran keeps telling us to do this,

2:83 Worship no one but God,
2:126 ...worship;
2:129 bla bla bla worship

OH NOES, kitteh, look:

31:13 “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing."

But how the hell do you do it right? What the hell is it, anyway? Maybe something the Army could teach you? Put a DI up there on the parade ground with a bullhorn, yelling, “Awrite maggots, lissen up. Next drill, 10 pushups. Ready, EXECUTE!” and all the recruits drop for ten. “Awrite! Next drill, Worship! Ready, EXECUTE!” And the recruits... ... umm ... do what, exactly?

Muslims bow towards Mecca. If you're a little off and your prayer misses, do you go to hell? Would laser sights help? Should you allow for windage? What if god's out of the office? If he goes off to take a crap does he put your prayer on hold, or do you just miss and get sent to hell?

They also repeat words a lot. Reciting the Hell Merry and Arf Ather for the nuns got really boring, so I spiced it up by working out math problems. I'd try to work out 34 times 56 before I got to the end of the prayer. Did it still count? D'ya suppose god appreciated my extra effort? We even did some prayers in foreign languages, just like the moslems: “Anne Dominic vove his cum, et cum's beery tutu, oh.” Bet THAT made god feel better.

In church people listen to speeches, but I don't think Richard Dawkin's praying when he speaks. Sometimes they sing, but I don't think Slayer's praying when they belt one out. Some people say your thoughts matter. You express gratitude (Thank you Jesus), hope (Lord, please ... ) and awe (God, ur great). So apparently, when you fix a leaky faucet you pray, “Goddamn, I'm glad I found this washer; hope the summbitch works. There, it does: fucking awesome!” Unless you think you're god though, talking to yourself doesn't seem like it'd count. You might be sharing it with others, like this atheist thanksgiving prayer. Does this count?

Some people say you need a sense of the transcendent, like the barmaid

Every time I go out in my backyard I gaze at the trees with awe and reverence. Does that mean I'm praying? To what? The trees? The rain cycle? Hydrogen? This whole worship thing seems like an unsolvable problem. To hell with it.

God's Flipflops

Still in Chapter Two, we come to what might be the most famous passage in the Koran.
Flip-flopping ruins your credibility.

 Does when you're George Bush. Does when you're Barack Obama. But then

2:106: None of Our revelations do We abrogate or cause to be forgotten, but We substitute something better or similar ...

when you're Mohammed, somehow it doesn't.

How very odd.

Abraham

The koran mentions Safa and Marwa by name, but not why these two lumps of rock are important. See, the prophet's wife was some murdering bastard abandoned his wife and kid there to die, and the woman miraculously, heroically, managed to save herself and her child. Hagar. Her name was Hagar: the koran doesn't even see fit to mention that, it just goes on and on about the prick who left them for dead. That would be Abraham, the prophet, the first patriarch, to whom we owe all three of our major religions.

Y'know what? Fuck Abraham. Just fuck him. You want to name your religion after somebody, name it after his wives: they earned it just for putting up with his shit. He wakes up one day and says “Guess what fucktoy, the voices are telling me we're gonna call you Sarah from now on. You're not you anymore.” Talk about dissing somebody, why not call her Fido for Christ's sake? At least he didn't kill this one.

They weren't having kids so he fucked the maid. Yeah, yeah, the Bible blames it all on his wife, Gen 16 has Sarah fluffing him in between lubing up the hired help like an old 8 millimeter loop. After all, what guy ever committed adultery without his wife's help? Give me a fucking break. With these shitheads everything is some woman's fault. The fucking Fall of Mankind is some woman's fault. The Earth wobbles in its orbit because of some woman. Fuck them. Try accepting one tiny little shred of responsibility, assholes. You know who uses that excuse? Child molesters, that's who.  “I didn't want to do it, but she made me.” “She really wanted it.”  Yeah, and I really want to shove a big spiny cactus up the end of your dick, dooshbag.

  Not bad enough he fucked her, he made life as his sex slave so bad she ran away from the sonofabitch, but she came back and had the old bastard's rape-baby. The bible expects us to believe that was because an angel told her to. For fuck's sake; she's out in the desert, homeless, broke, pregnant, unmarried, where the hell was she supposed to go? Planned Parenthood of Medieval Arabia? Stonings 'R Us?  Angel my ass.

Dishonest Abe first turns up in the koran when his old man kicks his ass out for being a disrespectful little prick. Later the perv marries his half-sister, and keeps moving his ass around because he can't get along with the neighbors, like Fred Phelps but with a bigger cult. Here's a clue, dumbasses.  A guy who cuts off the end of his cock is not a spiritual leader, he's a fucking lunatic.  If doing that was too subtle a clue, it should have tipped you off when he had everybody gather around so he could do the same to all of you. You should have kicked his goddam psycho ass and thrown him in a rubber room, but no, you thought this was a good idea, you fucking idiots.  You want a role model?  There's Buddha, “Don't harm any living thing”, or Confucius, “Don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you,” but you fuckwads pick this psychopath “thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee” jerkoff. What the hell's wrong with you people?

You can't expect better from a guy who pimps his wife out to the king.  So there's a fucking famine, so what? The whole rest of the world's out there, but this motherfucker takes her where he knows she'll get turned into a sex slave, to Egypt. That's international sex trafficking, scumbag. This is like Linda Lovelace's biography. Does he fight to the death to defend his wife's honor? Fuck no, motherfucker makes her pretend to be his sister so he can save his own candy ass and get rich in the process. He didn't just do it once, he made a fucking career out of it.

Let's talk about rape-baby and the kid born to suffer, shall we, Ishmael and Isaac? Outside of starting three bone-assed religions for people to kill each other over, Abraham is most famous for torturing his kid. Moslems say it was Rape-baby and Christians say it was Suffer-kid, but whichever poor bastard it was, Daddy Dearest fucking hog-tied him, slung him up on a stone altar and took a knife to his neck. Just when he knew there was no hope, the old perv got that glazed having-a-vision look in his eyes and what next just kill me now the fucker unties him and says, oh never mind.  Guaranteed this kid grows up with screaming-at-midnight PTSD to match anything on the back ward of the veteran's hospital.  Outside of shit-smearing crazy religion freaks this is called a mock execution.  You know, like with the North Koreans, and the Iranians, and the CIA? It wasn't Mary Fucking Poppins that banned that, it was the goddam Geneva Convention, because it fucks people up for life.

Did I mention how the chickenshit weasels out of responsibility like sperm out of a leaky condom?  The koran has him politely ask first, and the kid says, oh sure pop, go ahead and kill me. Jesus Dick-sucking Christ, how can people be stupid enough to believe this shit and still wipe their own ass? If they do—who the fuck knows?  They use that same chickenshit excuse with Hagar: Oh sure, Mr Bigdick Prophet, just leave us out here to die of thirst, we won't mind.   People don't just accept his lame-ass excuses, they make him into a fucking hero. To them, his shit not only doesn't stink, it wafts up in pleasing fragrances that condense into delicate chocolate truffles. For fuck's sake, the koran calls this cocksucker an excellent example. Why not make a hero out of Josef Mengele? Make Jeffrey Dahmer a goddamn prophet. These people shouldn't be honored, they should be kicked in the balls. With two thirds of the human race on their knees like groupies to suck off this walking turd, it's no surprise the world's going to hell.  Fuck all three of his shitty religions, and fuck Abraham.

Run for the Hills

(2:159) Truly Safa and Marwa are the symbols of God. Whoever goes on pilgrimage to the House (of God), or on a holy visit, is not guilty of wrong if he walk around them;

Who? What? Googlty google google .......

Safa and Marwa are two hills in Mecca, by the Kaaba. Muslims walk around them as part of their pilgrimage. Nowadays they're in a building, even though they're like 800 yards apart--that's one big-ass mosque! Lol, pilgrims don't have to go to the house, the house came to them. They run back and forth seven times between the two hills, occasionally trampling each other. They do this because of

the Story of Hagar.

Short version = Abraham abandoned his wife and son to die out in the desert, but they managed find water and survive. Gen 21:14-21 That's right, it's in the bible, not mentioned in the koran at all. In fact, this all happened in Beersheba, in southern Israel, so Hagar had to run over a thousand miles before she found water. Plus there are no hills in the story, and no running back and forth on the hills that aren't there.

WTF? (rewind)

Godhammed wouldn't have said this unless somebody was on a pilgrimage, and walking around hills, and somebody objected to it. Turns out the hills were old pagan shrines, with idols on them, male on one and female on the other, turned to stone for screwing in the kaaba. No, seriously. Along with kissing the black stone in the kaaba, pagans would go kiss these idols too. That's pagans for ya, always screwing and kissing.

I'd object to this too if I was a new convert to some cult that said I'd burn in hell for worshiping idols (and I couldn't kiss and screw anymore). This is big trouble for Mo. If he tells people they can't keep their old customs he'll piss everybody off (his major FAIL in Mecca taught him a thing or two)

What's a prophet to do? Make it part of his new cult, natch. Christmas trees, Easter bunnies, ...

How to do this with his cultists who won't stop kissing naked idols? Nothing to it when you're a prophet. Make up a story about Hagar running back and forth looking for water, move it to Arabia, add hills--in other words change the whole fucking story so its unrecognizable, but wtf--and you have a ready-made ancient tradition for your peeps to follow. It's a feature, not a bug!

Sources II

Speaking of sources, here we go again with the plagiarism. Remember when Mo got the two cow stories mixed up? Well here he does it again, even worse, like having Goldilock's fairy godmother give her glass slippers.

2:60 And remember Moses prayed for water for his people; We said: "Strike the rock with thy staff." Then gushed forth therefrom twelve springs. Each group knew its own place for water. So eat and drink of the sustenance provided by Allah, and do no evil nor mischief on the (face of the) earth.

He told this same story in 7:160, but the schizophrenic old bible tells it three different ways. The twelve springs were at a place called Elim, and all they did there was camp (Exodus 15:27). Then Moses raps his rod on the rock at Rephidim, (Exodus 17:1-6 ) with lots of details, but no mention of twelve springs. Later he knocks his rock at Kadesh (Numbers 20:2-13), but still only one spring. Tradition is that Moses wrote these stories, so these are first person accounts by the actual rock-knocker himself, who oughta know.

The koran wants me to believe the bible versions (2:41). At the same time it wants me to believe the koran version is what really happened, it's in god's diary up in heaven, Moses was just bullshitting and shrunk it in the telling, from twelve springs to only one. That's likely, people always un-exagerate.

What I'm not sposed to believe is that a guy didn't know some old stories very well and got mixed up: that never happens.

Sources

---You remember Adam and the Angels?

---Yeah, man, they had some big hits back in the 80's,

---No, it's not a band, man, it's a story. Like in the koran, man.

---Oh, yeah, I'm hip man. I know that story. Like,
The Man was gonna draft Adam and ship him
off to Earth, and the angels held a big protest,
said he was fascist, called Adam a baby-killer,

^2:30  Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: "I will create a vicegerent on earth." They said:
"Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood?- whilst we do celebrate Thy praises and glorify Thy holy (name)?" He said: "I know what ye know not."

---Yeah, that's the one, man. Well I think I know where old Mo got that story, man.

---No shit man? Well clue me in. And pass the bong

---Sure, man, here. Well see, those Jewish dudes, they have this book called the Bearshit Rabbi

---No man, you mean the Bereshit Rabba. It's Hebrew,
man, and it's commentaries on the bible. It's really deep,
it'll like open your mind, expand your consciousness ...

---Right on, man. I can dig it. Anyway, there's this story in there, on page 46,

Then God said, "Let us make man in our likeness, and let there be a creature not only the product of earth, but also gifted with heavenly, spiritual elements, which will bestow on him reason, intellect, and understanding." Truth then appeared, falling before God's throne, and in all humility exclaimed: "Deign, O God, to refrain from calling into being a creature who is beset with the vice of lying, who will tread truth under his feet." Peace came forth to support this petition. "Wherefore, O lord, shall this creature appear on earth, a creature so full of strife and contention, to disturb the peace and harmony of thy creation? He will carry the flame of quarrel and ill-will in his trail; he will bring about war and destruction in his eagerness for gain and conquest."

---Wow, that's far out, man. Mohammed was ripping 

off the Bereshit. His guru must have been a

Jewish dude. That's some heavy shit man.

---Right on, brother. Gimme another toke, eh?  Anyhow, that's where that weird story in the koran comes from.

Far out, man...

Belinda Carlisle in the Quran

2:36  But the devil duped them, and caused their eviction therefrom. We said, "Go down as enemies of one another. On Earth shall be your habitation and provision for awhile."

That sure sounds like the Garden of Eden wasn't on earth.  But, but, but the Bible, Genesis 2, it says it was, somewhere around Ethiopia, it even names the rivers that flowed out of it. Which is right? Oh dear oh me, my immortal soul hanging in the balance, golly gee. There's more,

2:41 And believe in the Book I have now sent down; as it confirms the Scriptures you already possess,

Fuck me if this isn't saying the bible is accurate. It would be the scriptures that Godhammed's peeps already possessed, and the book he was sending down confirms what it said--Tigris, Euphrates, Ethiopia.  God didn't notice the Red Sea I guess, but if the G of E was already on Earth, why'd it tell them to go down and live on Earth?  Is Heaven a Place on Earth or not?  I'm so confused.