Tentacle Sex

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Whatever it was, the people in Sodom got you beat.

^29:28 And (remember) Lot: behold, he said to his people: "Ye do commit lewdness, such as no people in Creation (ever) committed before you.

REALLY? Lewder than any Lewd in the whole history of Lewdity? That's some serious kink. What could he be talking about? Cephalerotica?

Naw, that's old. Car sex? No cars back then. Camel sex? Too dangerous! Furring? Phagophilia? If it's worse than what's on the internet I don't even want to know about it.

Back in chapter 7 he said the same exact line, and he followed it up with this

^7:81 "For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women :

So,whatever it is, it's ok to do it with women. ?/? OMFG don't tell me Mohammed fell for that silly old Sodom myth, talk about helping the poor makes people gay like a Teletubby, just like gay marriage forces good Americans to have Sex With Ducks. That story's all up in the Bible, and it doesn't say a damn thing about gay sex, anywhere. Besides, you think cave people never watched penguins, or buffalo, or those perverted bonobos, committing lewdness? The people in Sodom weren't the first gays by a long shot. Whatever it was they did, you'd think god would tell us, y'know, just so we could avoid fire and brimstone ruining the ambiance right when we have a hot scene going.

Maybe Mohammed's idea of lewdness is just not believing:

^29:32 He said: "But there is Lut there." They said: "Well do we know who is there : we will certainly save him and his following,- except his wife: she is of those who lag behind!"

Ooooh, I thought this might be a clue to the Lewdest Lewdness, but when I looked up “lagging” it just means she wasn't a believer. It repeats this in line 33, she didn't believe so she got toasted with all the other lewd kinky people. Makes more sense than the bible version where she got turned into salt (?!) just for looking backwards. Maybe 'lagging behind' is some kind of creepy sex thing.

Line 40, allah's calling himself “we” again, bragging about fucking people up with tornadoes, showers of stones, mighty blasts, swallowed up by the earth, drowned, but hey...

^29:40 It was not Allah Who injured (or oppressed) them:" They injured (and oppressed) their own souls.

Ah, yes, “Look what you made me do”, the abusers' ubiquitous catchphrase once again.

^29:41 The parable of those who take protectors other than Allah is that of the spider, who builds (to itself) a house; but truly the flimsiest of houses is the spider's house;- if they but knew.

Spider webs are stronger and lighter than steel, more elastic than nylon, and more difficult to break than rubber, immune to fungus or bacteria. There are lots of different kinds and spiders use them for everything from building houses to having sex. I dunno if that's lewdness, but it's funny god wouldn't know this stuff. Whoever allah is, “He” seems to be a typical size queen, thinks bigger is better. Spiders like him would be trying to show up the next guy, building webs the size of the Superdome.

^29:46 And dispute ye not with the People of the Book, except with means better (than mere disputation), unless it be with those of them who inflict wrong (and injury): but say, "We believe in the revelation which has come down to us and in that which came down to you; Our Allah and your Allah is one; and it is to Him we bow (in Islam)."
^29:47 And thus (it is) that We have sent down the Book to thee. So the People of the Book believe therein, as also do some of these (pagan Arabs): and none but Unbelievers reject our signs.

Let's see, don't dispute, except, unless, ... and pagans believe in the bible. I don't know what the hell this means. Sounds a little ominous, though.

^29:48 And thou wast not (able) to recite a Book before this (Book came), nor art thou (able) to transcribe it with thy right hand: In that case, indeed, would the talkers of vanities have doubted.

God talking to Mo, saying he is illiterate. Or left handed. hmmm. Other translations say “you read no book, nor did you write one with your own hand before this”. So this seems to settle the issue of whether Mo could read and write. Who could ask for better proof than this? It's Mohammed telling us that God told Mohammed he was illiterate. I still can't make up my mind about this.

And that's chapter 29.