Acts of Ill Logic

Acts 13:32-41

OK, so here's Paul traipsing around the countryside bothering people preaching about some old dead guy Jesus. Verses 16-32 are a history lesson I won't inflict on you, then he goes all fundegelical and tells them the GOOD NEWS. I know you're just wet to hear what the good news is so I'll tell you.
It's that God made good on his promise. And now you're all dripping to hear what God promised, but you'll have to take a cold shower while I figure out what the fuck it was, because Paul is the Bubonic Plague of public speaking.

He tells them God promised to raise up Jesus. How, you ask? He said,
“You are my son; today I have become your father”,
that's how.
You could huff Jenkem till you ran out of shit and still not make sense of that. It doesn't mention Jesus at all, and the second psalm is just a prayer so that 'son' in there is just whoever's dumb enough to be saying that prayer, and if anybody says that shit to you the only safe thing to do is kick them in the nuts and run really fast.

But then Paul tells them Jesus'll never decay, which has zilch to do with anything, it's like some weird kind of Tourette's where he just blurts out random sentences. Next he forgets everything he just said and tells them God's all set to give them what he promised to David
WHAT THE HELL WAS THE PROMISE THIS TIME? AND WHY DO YOU KEEP CHANGING THE SUBJECT?
and that David's corpse rotted, coz I guess they didn't know that, and no smart Alec in the audience piped up and yelled
“THAT'S what he promised David—that his body'd decay?”
I'd've done, because that's how much of a fuck I don't give about that third rate promise.

I  gave just enough fuck to read the footnote and look up Isaiah 55:3, and find out it's offering a drink to the thirsty, so it isn't a promise to David at all unless he was all hard up for brewskis in between ruling half the known world, which ain't likely. He had wenches bringing him Mai-Tais in their navels, that boy.

Then Paul gets caught in a time warp and goes back to how Jesus didn't rot. It's a pretty unhealthy obsession with decaying corpses if you ask me but somehow it all ties together and we know this because he says “therefore”. When you say therefore, it means there's a connection between what you said before, and what you say next, so we have

God promised X by saying Y about smelly festering carrion
Therefore
Jesus forgives your sins

Pass the Jenkem Jug, this ain't making sense yet. But he goes on to say how Moses's old laws suck but don't matter anymore because I dunno, sins are like the CIA and keep you locked up in chains, and something unlocks them by going through Jesus, he has a tube stuck through him or something but still it must hurt like a motherfucker.

IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Threats, threats is what we need. Well, preachers do, so Paul warns he's gonna do something you wouldn't believe.
"OOH, juicy," I hear you say, "here comes the smiting and slaying and we're all on the edge of our seats for the bloodshed and car chases and we're all like “Bring it, preacher!  Let's fucken GIT IT ON!”, and then

42 As Paul and Barnabas were leaving the synagogue, the people invited them to speak further about these things on the next Sabbath.

WHAT?thefuck? Get that? Yeah, I bet they invited. They said shit like,  
"Whaddaya gonna do, preacherman? Make sense, fucker.”
What a letdown. Also, I've popped zits that were better at logic than this guy, and he's the one who founded the whole christ-cult?!

You can't build on a foundation of sand, but you sure can on a foundation of bullshit.