Quaking Logic

Even without the Get out of Hell Free pass, Acts 16:16-28 doesn't make any sense.

 16And it came to pass, as we went to prayer, a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination met us, which brought her masters much gain by soothsaying:
 17The same followed Paul and us, and cried, saying, These men are the servants of the most high God, which shew unto us the way of salvation.

Bitchin! It's a marketer's dream, a respected third party running around giving you word of mouth advertising, for free. Paul must've been happy as a fly in cow poop.

 18And this did she many days. But Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour.

WTF? Kind of like when ... sorry, no, I can't think of an example of anybody going public to counter good press.
"No, she's lying, we're really servants of the devil; but the spirit left in the name of Christ, so it was evil; only, if it was evil, why would it be giving them props? But if it was good, why would we who what the fuck? I googled this and tried to get an explanation from Christians and found out that hey wombats.

Pssst; it's bullshit

It's the bible, yo.

 19And when her masters saw that the hope of their gains was gone, they caught Paul and Silas, and drew them into the marketplace unto the rulers,

"Shit, no more fortune telling. There goes our meal ticket. Bust those fuckers for something." I see nothing has changed in 2000 years.

 22And the multitude rose up together against them: and the magistrates rent off their clothes, and commanded to beat them.

That last sentence is ambiguous, and disturbing.

 23And when they had laid many stripes upon them, they cast them into prison, charging the jailor to keep them safely:
 24Who, having received such a charge, thrust them into the inner prison, and made their feet fast in the stocks.

They're in stocks; remember that for later.

 26And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's chains were loosed.

Ok, hold it. An earthquake that opens doors? Look at pictures of earthquake damage, you won't see doors swinging gently open on their hinges. and CHAINS? I'm trying hard to imagine one that breaks all the prisoners IRON SHACKLES without making prisoner slurpee. Nope, can't do it.

Besides,  they weren't in chains, they were in stocks, remember?

 27And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.
 28But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here. This story is too ridiculous to take serious.

Well yeah I edited that last part. Who can blame me?


Andy said...

I think Paul was simply tired of her following him and yapping.

uzza said...

That's no good, his whole job was to go around yapping, about the good word. He was "grieved' that somebody was helping him. Maybe he just didn't want to share the billing with somebody else? maybe the fact that it was a woman?

None of which explains that pagan spirit cheering Jesus tho.

Anonymous said...

About that earthquake. It's a pretty common trope in a certain kind of writing: "The very time I thought I was lost, the dungeon shook and my chains fell off. (Have you heard Springsteen sing that? ooh...)

I always figured it's not a normal earthquake, but a special magical thing where the sky spirit sets you free and gives everybody else a shock. The kind you hope for when something embarrassing happens and you wish the earth would open and swallow you up, only, you know, better. That it isn't how earthquakes work just proves how magical it is. That's the point, right? magic! wonders and miracles!