the 4 Commandments, Uncut

I always wondered about this. Acts 15. Paul and his d00ds are plaguing the country with their preaching, some other d00ds are plaguing too, about Pharisee-ism, whatever the fuck that is, and they throw down:
“You'll go to hell if you're uncut.”
The thing is, how did they know? Did they go around in those days with their wangs flopping out? Sneaking around the urinals checking out guys junk seems like is, is a bad idea anyway, but especially they all carry swords and would just love to SMITE YOUR ASS.
Maybe it was their greeting ritual, “Pleased to meet you, may I see your cock, sir?
I can't come up with a scenario where they'd ever know if their preacher was uncut or not.

Oh shit! The church they were starting was the CATHOLIC church. Never mind.

Anyway, chapter fifteen is basically a cat fight over if god likes helmets or anteaters. You laugh at the Tea Party's birth certificates and shit, at least they haven't demanded to see Obama's dick. Yet.
How about that old Joe Wilson, yelling “You lie” at the President, that frost your balls? Be glad he wasn't any Pharisee, because those guys will Fuck Up Your Shit, and this one stands up in the middle of Paul's speech and he doesn't yell “You lie he yells “You gotta cut off the end of your dick!”
Holy shitballs, that's serious heckling, coz they would have done it right there, too.

Peter wimps out though, says it's "more than he can bear", the fucken pussy, and there's more hissing and spitting till this guy James whoever he is, pulls scripture on them. See how righteous these d00ds are, they were quoting the bible before there even was a fucking bible. So this James clownbag rattles off a passage that doesn't have balls to do with helmets or anteaters or the price of mangoes, and says “therefore”.

Check your logic at the door when they say this, I think it meant something different in those days, maybe something more like “oh shit I just thought of something else”. Anyway, after he says it he says they shouldn't make things tough on the new recruits. Then after that he went on to a great career in marketing, but first he said they should just write them a letter.

So they did that, and THAT IS NOT ALL. They also sent two guys along “to confirm by word of mouth what we are writing”, which makes you wonder why they bothered writing it at all, but here's what it said.
You only gotta do these four things” and they list them. So all that crap about the Ten Commandments, you can use them to light your charcoal briquettes because here's Saul Paul the Original First Dude of Christianity, shitcanning them and writing down these four.

I put a note on there about snipping the weinies. Just to be clear, cuz they're so big on that.
(Yeah it's messy but there was a twenty pound cat parking her fat ass on my hand. You wanna come over here and tell her she can't lay there? Her ancestors were sabre tooths, y'know.)

1 comment:

Nameless Cynic said...

Basically, it turns out it was Paul's fault. Paul was all about the dick. Seemed very important to him. I'm not sure why, but there it is.