Allah is Watching You Masturbate

More Sura 11

11:5. Look, how they double up their breasts in order to hide from Him. But when they cover themselves up with their garments, He knows what they hide and what they expose. Indeed, He knows the secrets of the hearts.

What? They double... what the heck? Well, in the hadith
“It is related that Muhammad ibn 'Abbad ibn Ja'far reported that he heard Ibn 'Abbas recite,

"See how they enfold their breasts..." (11:5) He said, "I asked him about it and he said, 'Some people used to be embarassed to go to the lavatory and exposed themselves to the sky, and to have intercourse when they were exposed to the sky, and it was sent down about them." (Bukhari 68:4404)

Oh. It means their clothes, like double-breasted suits, lol. Some people were afraid to undress because god might see them. They took the joke seriously that ceiling cat is watching them masturbate, only in this case it's Allah, cause the koran keeps harping on the “knows all, sees all” bit. What a bunch of yokels. Let's see what else it says.

“It is related that Ibn 'Abbas recited, "See how they enfold their breasts trying to conceal their feelings from Him! No, indeed! When they wrap their garments round themselves." (11:5) Another said that Ibn 'Abbas said that "wrap themselves" is to cover their heads.”(4406)

Oh, great, now he says it's their feelings they're trying to hide. Hide feelings or hide from ceiling allah, which is it? Then he says it's about covering their heads! They cover their heads when they shit? That's pretty funny, but it wouldn't hide them OR their feelings. They either hide their feelings or themselves from god, either by covering themselves or covering their heads, neither either of which makes much sense. This is all from this Ibn 'Abbas guy, and he can't keep his story straight, so who knows what it means.

That's the koran for ya. Word of god, man, perfect and free of doubt. Every time, it says something that doesn't make sense, and when you dig into it you end up with a whole bunch of conflicting explanations that make even less sense. Then anybody can weigh in on it. Here's my interpretation:

It's a prophecy!
Behold, God is warning people not to 'double up their breasts', like these.

He knew this was going to happen, see, and he's warning us that it's a really really bad idea.