Ejaculations

The koran keeps doing this weird thing where it'll say something, and then it'll add a blurb like, verily, He is clement, forgiving. Sometimes they are separate, other times the translators use a semi-colon or a comma so you'll think it's part of the sentence. Here's one. In 35:27 it says god made everything—earth, fruit, cattle—so smart people fear god. That's none too logical, but then it tacks on that god is almighty and all-forgiving. Almighty, sure if he made the world, but what's with forgiving? For what? Same question as before, still no answer; and if he's forgiving that's even less reason to fear him. This would have made sense if they tacked it onto the previous line: GWYU, so fear him. But that would be logical.

It does it again in v39/41. After claiming his god is maintainence man for the heavens, Mo adds that god is forbearing and forgiving ... huh? For the umpteenth time, what's he forgiving? And what's it got to do with maintaining the earth? Is it proof of his forgiving-ness that he doesn't let the earth fall apart? How are these ideas related? I wasted a lot of brain cells trying to link these weird add-ons to the rest of the sentence, but I've finally figured them out. They're ejaculations! An ejaculation is “a short, intense, prayer”, as the nuns in catholic school told us, with completely straight faces, in middle school. LOL.

They don't mean anything, they're just the speaker's emotions overflowing out his mouth. Like Meg Ryan in the picture, or a jihadist yelling “god is great” when he shoots you. There's no point trying to figure out what they mean—just ignore them.

Even More sura 35

In v10 god calls himself 'god' and 'we' in the same sentence (again), sez resurrection will be like rain on a dry earth... Oohh kay, whatever... and v11 is a new topic, a bumbling way of saying people don't get any credit when they do good, but get punished when they do bad.

Still hasn't told us what's bad, except for having sympathy for people. (Maybe there's some logical connection between these sentences? Maybe on resurrection day people will finally get some credit? Nahh, none of the other sentences have been related to each other, there's no reason to assume these two are. God hates context.)
It seems to go with line 5. Satan beguiles you and you get punished, but it's god that leads you astray, so God is Satan? I'm so confused.
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12-15 New tangent: god made and sustains everything, oceans, night and day, etc. but the other gods can't do anything. Not only that, on judgment day the ungrateful twits will deny you ever worshipped them. WTF? Why would they do that? At any rate, it confirms that other gods exist, even describing what they can and can't do. So this contradicts the first pillar of Islam, “ There is no god but Allah...”. So the Koran is unislamic. Who knew?

the First Commandment

We're up to line 9-or-so in sura 35 and so far we've got:
Don't believe imaginary creatures; WIFL; and some unanswered questions---

The world beguiles me—How?
God promised something—What?
I have to do right—How?
I have to believe—What?
I can be forgiven—For what?

Let's see what else we can learn from it. About those people that god leads astray, Line 9-or-so ends with "... so do not waste away your self with grief for them." In other words, we shouldn't have any sympathy for people. An innocent kid who never does anything wrong gets led off to be tortured forever in Hell, and we should just sip our lattes and not bat an eye. Great advice there, from their ALL-MERCIFUL, LOVING god. But at least it gives us some actual real advice—don't care about others. Commandment #1, got it.

Still More Sura 35

Verse (9), or (8) or whatever it is, says: "God leads whosoever He please astray and guides whosoever He will". This verse develops the idea that god does whatever he damn well pleases, evil or good, and there is nothing you can do about it, sucker. The idea was introduced in line 2, so why isn't this up there with line 2? Where is god's editor?

The koran repeats this idea over and over without ever realizing that it makes the koran and islam both completely pointless, since following them has no effect on what god does. You're the bestest Muzzie that ever ever lived? Doesn't matter—god'll send you to hell if he feels like it. You're one of us blaspheming infidel satan-worshippers? Doesn't matter—god'll forgive you if he feels like it. Whether you end up in heaven or hell doesn't depend on you, it depends on god's mood swings.

It's said this before. In fact it repeats this same idea about a zibillion times. If god had an editor, they'd probably recommend that he say things once and then use acronyms for subsequent mention. The Koran has its own acronyms—Korancronyms! This one is WIFL, for god saying “I'll do Whatever I Feel Like”. We could make the koran about 50% shorter by using korancronyms instead of giving the whole standard sermon every time an idea comes up. The rest of the chapter =

... WIFL, verse 9, 10&11, GWFYU, PAP, TIT, WIFL, GWFYU, IKE, GHGS, YGS, ejaculations, TIT, verse 43, GWFYU.

See how easier it makes it? I've added a handy chart over on the sidebar. Clicky.

More Sura 35

The mystery of line eight.

Here's one version,

8 But those who believe and do right, for them is forgiveness and a great hire.

And here's another.

(8) Can he, the evil of whose deed is made to look attractive to him so that he considers it good, (be like him who is guided)? God leads whosoever He please astray and guides whosoever He will. So do not waste away your self with grief for them. God is indeed cognisant of things they do.

WTF? Are these both translating the same sentence??? Wait, look at line seven again;

(7) those who disbelieve, they shall have a severe punishment, and those who believe and do good, they shall have forgiveness and a great reward.

The last half of 7 is line 8 in this version. And in the other one,

7 Those who misbelieve, for them is keen torment.
8 But those who believe and do right, for them is forgiveness and a great hire.

OMFG, there are differences in the Koran!! This is not the first time I've run into different numbering like this. Mostly it's a pain in the ass, but it makes you wonder how you're supposed to cite something if they can't even agree what verse it is. This happens again later in this chapter, so some versions are two lines off. Line 24 in some versions is line 26 in others. And verse 3:40 is verse 3:45. God needs the MLA Style Guide.

Getting back to those unanswered questions...

It says if you believe the devil you go to hell, but if you believe and do right, you get forgiven and rewarded. OK, but believe what? Do right how? Forgiven for what? I need details, dammit!
Also, I'm still waiting to hear what to be on guard against, and what the promise was.

Surah 35: the Creator

Here we are, reading the Quran in the order it was supposedly revealed, half way through the Meccan period. Starting the New Year with a chapter about the creator seems fitting. Let's forget everything we've read up to now, pretend we are seeing it for the first time, and see what we can learn.

1. God created everything, and angel's wings come in sets of 2, 3 or 4. Boy, this is good stuff to know!

2. Then it changes the subject to something confusing about mercy--there is none to withhold, but he withholds some of it. Wtf? I had to look at half a dozen translations before one made sense: It's trying to say no one can prevent god from doing stuff. Pretty obvious, if he's god and we're not.

New topic!! Line 3 gets snarky and asks “is there a creator besides god?” It doesn't answer, so logically, next we should pin down exactly what this god-thingy is, right?

4 No such luck, it changes the subject again: “if they call you a liar...” wait, what? Nobody's calling me anything. We're horning in on a private conversation between god and mohammed!

5 But the next line changes back to “O ye folk”, that's us again, “god's promise is true”. Great, but what promise? He doesn't say, he goes off on another tangent, “don't let the life of this world beguile you.” Or satan either; it seems I'll go to hell if I believe what he says. At least that's good advice--If an imaginary creature appears to me, don't believe what it says. Got that, but how does the world beguile me? Doesn't say.

So at six lines in, we've got six sentences, none related to any of the others. We should: be on guard against something it doesn't identify, some unidentified promise is true, a side comment to someone else, a statement of the obvious, and an unsupported claim about god and angel's wings. Now, if god has passed Writing 101, he'll elaborate on these themes, but don't get your hopes up ...

Y'know what? 6000 verses thrown together in random order does not make a book; it makes Mad Libs. But these ones are way more fun!