What's this...

...book called "the Koran"?
Let's see...

Chapter 1. The Opening

(1) In the name of Allah, most benevolent, ever-merciful.
So, who is this? Traditionally supposed to be god speaking, so let's fix that:

(1) In the name of Me, most benevolent, ever-merciful.
(2) All praise be to Me, Lord of all the worlds,
(3) Most beneficent, ever-merciful,
(4) King of the Day of Judgement.

(5) Me alone I worship, and to Me alone turn for help.
(6) Guide me (O Me) to the path that is straight,

God, obviously, has issues.

(7) The path of those I have blessed, Not of those who have earned My anger, nor those who have gone astray.

Hmm; three paths. Which one am I on?

Chapter 2. The Cow

WTF?? Schizophrenic babbling? God's prognosis is looking poor...
(2) This is The Book free of doubt and uncertainty,
Right after saying 'alif lam nim'? Seriously?
a guidance for those who preserve themselves from evil and follow the straight path,
Would that include me, I wonder? There's more...

(3) Who believe in the Unknown and fulfill their devotional obligations, and spend in charity of what I have given them;
(4) Who believe in what has been revealed to you and what was revealed to those before you, and are certain of the Hereafter.
Damn! It's a whole list. Let's see how I do....
(5) They have found the guidance of their Lord and will be successful.
Aww, shoot! I didn't make the grade.
(6) As for those who deny, it is all the same if you warn them or not, they will not believe.
Well, you could give us some evidence, duhh.
(7) God has sealed their hearts and ears, and veiled their eyes. God has fixed us so we can't get his message? What a prick.
For them is great deprivation.
(8) And there are some who, though they say: "We believe in God and the Last Day," (in reality) do not believe. (shorter verse 9-20, god hates them fuckers.) So...

... god divides people into (a) those whom he won't let believe him, (b) those who believe him without any evidence, and (c) those that only pretend to believe him. Only group B goes to heaven. I'm apparently in group A: doomed, and god won't unseal my heart and ears to change that. Sucks, but not much point reading the rest.


Anubis said...

I'm here coz Ur comments on kafirgirl's posts are very insightful, some positively brilliant. While what she writes is good too, Ur comments reek of depth. Hope to find myself fighting for a last rasping gasp of air here too ...

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm blushing. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

On the contrary ... thank U indeed.

Hmmm, come to my garden sometime, I want my roses to see U and assume that becoming shade of red too ... I mean it in all sincerity, graceful humility as a virtue I thought had been long lost ...

Stew said...

Muslim atheists.

More power to you!

Got here via MoJoey's atheist blog roll.

I look forward to much happy reading.
Peace and lots of good stuff.

uzza said...

Hi, Stew. It's a small world--I've got one of your blogs bookmarked (http://2000lies.blogspot.com/), and I check in on Ray Comfort when my stupid-immunity index is up high.

Glad to see you here.

Volly said...

Also here via MoJoey.

So many targets ... so little time. Glad you're taking the time.


Anonymous said...

Got into an interesting discussion on the BBC Islam message board. I argued that it is absolutely astonishing that there are no hadiths at all where we see followers asking Mohamed what these randomn characters mean. Apparently there are 29 Chapters that start with these letters. You'd think SOMEBODY would have asked him what they mean?

Anyway, I concluded therefore that Mohamed never said them, otherwise we would have at least one hadith where someone asked him what they meant. I also concluded that they must have been a product of the scribe(s) that first put the Koran in written form, or those reciters that learnt the koran after Mohamed's demise.

uzza said...

I'm as astonished as you are. Totally true. It makes sense to think those letters are the initials of the scribe who wrote the chapter.

Z said...

Muhammed (SAW) was illiterate and therefore could not read or write... Those letters were an indication that it was composed of the same Arabic letters, yet it was unlike their speech or the speech of men. The meaning is unknown... I would suppose even if we knew the meaning, we wouldn't understand it.

No offense, but I find your blog to be extremely intolerable. The ignorance you express about Islam is appalling. How could you just read the Quran (that too, the reduced translation version) and go around making quick assumptions... but whatever, your choice. It doesn't bother me much.

Nothing against u :) If you have questions u CAN ask me...

uzza said...

well,thanks Z, I do have questions. One is, when a book says it has no uncertainty, immediately after saying something no one has ever understood, how can you take it seriously?

Anonymous said...

God will kill you if you don't listen to me. This is only a test. Now how is that for no uncertainty?