The Hammer of Allah

Well, here we go with chapter 13. Ready up your barf bag and let's get to reading. It starts out not too bad, of course by not too bad I mean it's not a handbook of psychopathology like the last few chapters, but that's setting the bar pretty low. In fact that's burying the bar somewhere down under the continental crust. I mean it's back to Olde Man God perched on his throne whipping the sun and moon around with his magic strings, with the earth all spread out flat under him and all covered with streams and fruit. Wait, streams and fruit? That's supposed to be Heaven, in 2,986 other verses of the koran.

Whatever, in all this stuff there are signs, it tells us. And tells us, and tells us. It just doesn't tell us what the signs say: maybe “Garage Sale” or “fuck you” or “Mohammed sucks camels”. We'll never know, because they're magic signs that only muslims can see.

7 And the Unbelievers say: "Why is not a sign sent down to him from his Lord?"
We know the answer to that by now—WIFL—and then there's some IKE; he knows everything, he is the Great, the Most High, and when your mouth is getting dry, you're plenty high.

9 He knoweth the unseen and that which is open: He is the Great, the Most High.
10 It is the same (to Him) whether any of you conceal his speech or declare it openly; whether he lie hid by night or walk forth freely by day.
11 For each (such person) there are (angels) in succession, before and behind him: They guard him by command of Allah. Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls).

Yeah, we've seen these angels before, they're all over the damn place, in front, behind, writing everything down, watching everything, watching you screw, watching you masturbate, the original porn addicts, but do they do anything to help? If you're about to get flattened by a suicidal banker plummetting off the 28th floor, do they bother to whisper “hey look up” in your ear? Oh hell no. Orders from the big boss, you want a change, you change it yourself, loser. So what the hell do we need him and little voyeurs for?

He can't even keep his myths straight. Bad enough he was mixing up old Jewish legends, here he's cribbing from Marvel Comics. Look at this, Allah is Thor. Who knew?
13:13 Nay, thunder repeateth His praises, and so do the angels, with awe: He flingeth the loud-voiced thunder-bolts, and therewith He striketh whomsoever He will. Yet these (are the men) who (dare to) dispute about Allah, with the strength of His power (supreme)!

Next up, another entry in the Lame Metaphor Sweepstakes. I don't know what it means, but the moral is clear. It has to be, cause it's in the koran. See if you can guess it.
13:17 He sends down from the sky water, and the water-courses flow according to their bulk, and the torrent bears along the floating scum: and from what they set fire to, craving ornaments or utensils, comes a scum like that;- thus does God hit the truth and the falsehood;- and as for the scum it is thrown off, and as for what profits man it stays on the earth. Thus does God strike out parables!

Yep, god's parables strike out all right. Then he goes on reminding us that god speaks Arabic, and he has the Mother of all Books up there in heaven.
13:37 And thus have WE revealed it, a clear judgment in Arabic.
13:39 Allah doth blot out or confirm what He pleaseth: with Him is the Mother of the Book.

It's the Arabic Only movement. Hear Ye: All official Heavenly business must be conducted solely in Arabic. We don't want none a them immigrants coming here, speaking in tongues, lol. If god has everything that'll ever happen all written down already, wtf are those angels writing things down for? Do the angels know Arabic? I you speak one of the primitive languages like English, do they translate it on the spot or fax it upstairs to the Translation Dept? All that bureaucracy's not my idea of heaven.
Then as usual, he gives away his game plan.
13:40... it is our part to call them to account. 41 See they not that We gradually reduce the land (in their control) from its outlying borders?
Damn, Godhammed, keep that on the down-low. Don't tip them off it's all about taking over the world. Talk about salvation and sin. You know, holy shit like that.

No comments: