The last chapter was great, cause it only had 13 verses. Yay, koran, that's the kind of chapters we like, short ones. Ones that made sense would be good too, but since that's asking too much, give us short ones, like chapter 110, only 3 lines. I can't wait. Then I looked at chapter 4 and beat my head against the wall till I passed out, because it's another mega-epic, 176 lines. I doubt I'll survive.
I'm losing it, srsly. Reading this book is making me a worse person. It gets really hard to keep forcing myself back to it at all, let alone come up with anything clever and snarky to say about this stuff. It's like making jokes about Dachau. The title of chapter 4 is “Women”, which gives me that same feeling I had the instant after the pump seal broke and I knew 40 gallons of raw sewage was about to spew out over me. We know there's some really bad shit coming. Godhammed doesn't disappoint, he goes the sewage tank one better:
Lines 4:11-12 How to divide up your estate. Guess how? If you guess “cheat the women” reward yourself with a big old toke, because a) you'll need it for this chapter, and b) you're right. Women only get half as much as men get. Then if there aren't any men, the women still only get 2/3. wtf, who gets the other third? (Bet I know! Call on me! Call me!)
Line 4:3 says marry four women, and fuck slaves too; everybody knows about this verse:
[4:3] If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.
Whoo, there's more bullshit packed into that line than Old McDonald's sludge pond. First off, what orphans? I guess the ones you created with your fucking caravan raids, asshole, when you killed their fathers? Some translations specify it's girl orphans, which is even squickier, like what exactly are you afraid you'll do unjustly to them that getting married will keep you from doing? I don't want to know.
Then comes the famous “marry four women”, and we can all giggle and hoot as the muslims squirm to explain how this protects women, or he didn't mean it because right after that he says you can't do it because it's line 129 impossible even tho he just said to do it he really meant just the opposite there's no contradictions in GodsHolyWord(ptuh!).
Or, he says, you can fuck a captive slave, instead of mmm, whatever, cuz that'll be more just. “Injustice”, he said, LOL, you should fuck a slave to prevent “injustice”. It's so funny I could cry.
There's a lot about dowries, and Verse 4:25 tells how slaves are cheaper, and if you can't control yourself, it's better to go rape one of them than ...wait, than to do something: let's check different translators.
“this is for those of you who fear: 'sin', 'wrong', 'falling into evil', 'to sin by marrying free women'--wait, wtf? Since when is this a sin?--- 'being harmed in his religion or in his body', 'distress (from a lack of self-restraint)' --- Oh, fer christ's sake, I get it,--- 'Marrying a slave shall be a last resort for those unable to wait', they're tiptoeing around about masturbation! It's better to rape a slave than to jack off!
Do you get the feeling that women are not really considered human beings? Gold Star! Arabic has different pronouns for human beings than for animals, and guess which one is in these verses? Gold Star! The one for animals. This gives the details.
Then verse 4:34 says to beat your wives, which everybody knows about already except three people in Outer Boondockistan, and why ruin their day, but here's something even worse. Line 4:15 says to put women in solitary confinement forever.
[4:15] If any of your women are guilty of lewdness,you must have four witnesses against them, from among you. If they do bear witness, then you shall keep such women in their homes until they die,
I read about this practice in somebody's biography. The local gossips ganged up on one of their own, for going outside with her ankle showing or some such asinine thing, and her family nailed her bedroom door shut, cut a hole in it to pass food through, and left her. Predictably, she lost her mind after a few months, and we never found out how it ended. They made it sound like a common practice, wherever that was, and now we know why.