All Ramen

Chapter 55, is a strange one. At first it's all pagany, with herbs and trees and date-palms swaying in the breeze, (they bow down in adoration—yeah, right. I'll take that as a metaphor, mmkay?) and then it says this:

^55:13 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

And then it says this:

^55:21 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny?

And then it says, well, the same line over again. Thirty one times! There's 78 lines, and  every other one  is them is this one. That's 40%. It's a good thing I've done my homework or I'd be saying “God, oh God, why art thou repeating thyself all the frigging time?” Since we did though, we know the original is kinda sorta poetry, so it probably sounds fine in the original Arabic. Those guys really do have a point when they say the original language is better. Doesn't mean I'm about to learn another language just to read some moldy old scripture though. Poetry may not translate very well, but bullshit's the same in any language.

There's some weird stuff, just to keep the shits and giggles going. You can't get bored reading this book. Well, you can: all that's left is narcoleptic tedium if you just ignore all the lulz, but that ain't no fun.

^55:17 (He is) Lord of the two Easts and Lord of the two Wests:

^55:19 He has let free the two bodies of flowing water, meeting together:

^55:20 Between them is a Barrier which they do not transgress ^WTFf?

Two Easts and West may mean “the two points of sunrise and the two points of sunset on the shortest day of winter and the longest day of summer” or it may mean “the easts and the wests of the two hemispheres of the earth.” Or it may be the name of a sleazy bar down by the camel pens. Why don't you fuckers just admit this thing doesn't make any sense?

The two waters are supposed to be the oceans and lakes. From these lakes we get pearls—you know, pearls made by oysters, that live in salt water?—and corals. Hallelujah, it's a miracle, but you wouldn't know that unless you read it in Arabic. Remember how we're supposed to learn Ye Olde Tongue so we can read the original? If it's just going to uncover more contradictions, sod that idea. Here's another line that had me rolling on the floor:

^55:24 And His are the Ships sailing smoothly through the seas, lofty as mountains:

God, obviously, has never been to sea. I'm here to tell you, when the seas are like mountains it ain't smooth sailing. Hell, when the seas are little foothills, they'll make you vomit your colon up and throw you all over the boat so you fall in it, because you can't hang onto anything since your hands are all slimey from where you puked on them. Mountains and smooth sailing don't go in the same sentence. It's almost like this book was written by some guy who lived his whole life in a desert.

Then he goes rambling on about paradise, and naturally, he sets free his inner pimp and focuses on the bling-bling: cushions and carpets and rich brocade, rubies and coral. Then he has to go spoiling it all by throwing in the sex slaves. Oh sorry, not sex slaves, houris. That was the devil in me talking. Speaking of the devil, no way can godhammed mention heaven without getting sidetracked onto how people will suffer in hell, so he throws in disgusting shit like people wandering around in boiling water. Let your readers leave on a happy note? No sir, not this boy.