D-I-V-O-R-C-E

As I was saying, Sura 65 is titled “divorce” so you know it's going to be a steaming two-curl pile. Make that ten-curl. A hundred curl. So many curls it wraps you up like a boa constrictor and smothers you.

^65:1 O Prophet! When ye do divorce women, divorce them at their prescribed periods, and count (accurately), their prescribed periods:

I had to look this up, sure enough he means menstrual periods. Men are supposed to keep track of people's periods, like you would with cattle. Oh silly me, there I go calling women “people”, kick my ass.

Its a 3 months waiting period for divorce, to make sure the woman is not pregnant. So why not say that in the first place, asshole? Why force somebody to come showing off their bloody tampons in public? Oh shit, there I did it again. Kick my ass double. If you have to wait three months, what's with the divorce by text message shit? Maybe you people read real slow?

After you've got the right number of tampons, you still have to get two witnesses, or four since a woman is only worth half a man, to prove you're not just fibbing. See, one of Mo's d00ds divorced his wife without telling her, and that's why all this was “revealed”. God needs reminding like that.

It is reported that the directions contained in this chapter were needed to correct a mistake made in connection with the law of divorce of Ibn ‘Umar, who divorced his wife when she had her courses. He was told to take her back, as divorce was ineffective unless pronounced when the wife was free from the menses (Buck Harry 68:1)

Whateverthehell that means, but wouldn't you think god would see that coming? I mean, being not only omniscient, but having everything all written down for him in the big book in the sky. If god can do anything, can he forget things, and not be able to remember them? Inquiring minds want to know don't really give a shit.

Then there's some lines greasing allah's dick, the part where it's OK to rape underage girls, and some typically vague advice that I've added friendly little notes to, to show how it applies in practice.

⁶ ... if they carry (life in their wombs), then spend (your substance) on them until they deliver their burden: [=can't get divorced till the baby's born, so you'll know who's the father. Goes without saying you'll keep her under lock and key the whole time. If the kid looks like the milkman you can disown it] and if they suckle your (offspring), give them their recompense: [=if they raise your kid, pay child support] and take mutual counsel together, according to what is just and reasonable. And if ye find yourselves in difficulties,[=if you're too cheap to pay your ex what she needs] let another woman suckle (the child) [=take the kid away from her] on the (father's) behalf.

Wtf, suckling the kid is for the father's behalf? Not the kid's???? Oh---This means that if he doesn't want to pay her what she asks for nursing his kid, he can take it away and pay somebody cheaper to nanny the little brat. He's all heart, godhammed is.

Then more God will fuck you up, streams and fruit, and there are seven planet Earths. Betcha didn't know that last, huh? NASA's keeping it on the down low, like the Roswell Aliens. 

¹² Allah is He Who created seven Firmaments and of the earth a similar number.

What the Islamic Experts[sic] have to say about this is that it means the seven planets, or seven continents, or more than seven, or less than seven, or planets in other galaxies, or I dunno seven dwarfs, whatever. So much for the bullshit, here's how it all works out in practice.