World's Worst Job?

I admit I'm juvenile, filthy-minded and foul-mouthed, but, COME ON, people.

"What do you do for a living?

"Oh, I'm an analist, with Goatse Security. For Gawkers."

"!!??!!"

"They're probing us y'know, for possible intrusions."

(source: Bloomberg)

SPEEEWWWW!!!!!

Transmogrification (mat. 17)

Matthew 17

Whoa, man, this is really heavy. J and his peeps go up on a mountain, and he starts to glow, man. His clothes go all white and groovy looking and sunbeams come out of him. And then people just appear out of nowhere, man, and voices come outta the sky, it's like far out, man.  

This actually happened. It sounds impossible, but I'm here to tell you there is absolutely no reason to doubt it, as I have seen this with my own eyes. Of course, I took a double tab of Liquid Sunshine a little earlier.

When they're coming back Jesus tells them to keep all this on the down low till after he comes back from the dead. We used to get paranoid like that too, worrying about getting busted. I guess J figured the pigs don't hassle zombies. Anyhow the groupies are all , “Hey, wait a minute, man, Elijah is supposed to come first”, and J weasels out by saying John the Baptist was Elijah, and the dumb shits fall for it. Damn, Jesus is Humpty-dumpty!

Jesus-English Dictionary

yeast noun 16:12

1: Teachings; doctrine
John the Baptist noun 17:13
1: Elijah
Son of Man noun

1: Me

Gabbledy Gabitle Boo phrase

1: profound shit; words of wisdom

At v19 J pulls the classic con, blaming everything on the mark. You can't do something? It's because you aren't good enough. You can't move mountains? That's not because it's impossible, it's because you don't have faith. It's another entry for our Jesus-English dictionary:

Faith noun
1: ability to do the impossible; magic

Nobody's ever been able to play tiddly winks with mountains, so nobody's ever had any faith magic, duhhhh, but people have been falling for this line ever since. Mr. Cult Leader puts it right to work (17:24-27). To get out of paying his taxes, he tells his peep to go catch a fish, which will have money in its mouth so he can pay both their taxes. (!!)

Curiously enough, the story just ends there. There is no verse 28 telling if this prediction came true. A normal person would say 'WTF that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard go pay your own damn taxes', but this is Peter, alias Brainwashed¹², Leader of the Pack^{(vroom, vroom)}.

I set my research team to work and we recovered the missing verses. You can see why they left them out.

According to Jesus, his peeps don't have to obey the law, just like he said back in 12:6. This reminds me of Crackergate, because back then I got into a into it, with a Catholic Priest no less, and managed to back him into a corner, (it was like tying knots in eels) and he flat out said that Catholics do not need to obey the law.
He admitted the crackergaters were guilty of a crime, assault at least, but that didn't matter, because y'unnderstand, God's laws abrogate human laws, so beating the shit out of people? A-OK. All his catlick congregation backed him to the hilt too.

That's some scary shit. People think Christstains are different than the Scary Muslims^TM—wrong. They're just two cheeks of the same ass.

a Pagan View of the Gulf

I'm just trying to figure out how to use GIMP.
Yeah, I suck, but you get the idea. right?

Rape Prevention Tips

Ways to Prevent Rape

1. Do not rape anyone.

2. Do not think you have the right to rape anyone.

3. Know what rape is. Know the meaning of 'consensual'.

4. Understand that anything sexual, with someone who does not want it, is Rape.

5. Don't believe that spending money on a date entitles you to sex in return.

6. If you're on a date, keep in mind that if your date wants to go so far, but then stop, and you don't stop, you are committing rape.

7. If you see a woman who is drunk, or asleep, or otherwise unable to resist, treat her the way you would like to be treated, by not molesting or raping her.

8. Don't think that having had sex in the past means you can have it now.

9. Recognize that consenting to be your girlfriend or wife is not consent to have sex.

10. Remember that no matter how horny you are, it doesn't mean anyone else is.

11. When someone says no to you, stop.

12. Remember that when someone pushes you away, or otherwise verbally or physically indicates that they do not want to have sex with you, you are committing rape if you continue.

13. Accept that when a woman wants to stop having sex, even if it's in the middle of the sex act, she has that right, and you must respect it.

14. Remember that rape is a crime, and even if you get away with it, you have violated another person's rights, and are guilty.

15. Understand that rape is about power, not about sex.

16. Accept responsibility for your own gender. Stop expecting and advising women to prevent rapes.

17. Place the burden of stopping rape on men, who are the ones that do it, not on its victims.

18. Don't expect women to stop rape, all on their own efforts, without help from you.

19. Learn about rape, don't just accept common myths. Talk to nurses, social workers, and others with experience. Or just listen to the women in your life, since some of them without doubt are rape survivors.

20. Learn about the aftermath of rape. Learn what rape victims experience in the courts, at the hands of police, doctors, even their families and friends.

21. Learn how rapists destroy lives, in ways that are as inhumane as murder.

22. Spend some time imagining what it is like for your woman friends, how it would change your life, to be aware every second of every day that they are at risk of a man violently attacking them.

23. Understand what people mean when they talk about 'rape culture', 'patriarchy', 'male privilege'. Don't dismiss people's legitimate concerns.

24. Volunteer to help your local Rape Crisis Center, even if it's only by donating money. Help publicize their efforts and the good they do. Work toward a day when they are not necessary.

25. Keep in mind that for your woman friends, rape is not just a hypothetical, and the subject is just as painful for many of them as the war is to veterans with PTSD.

26. Reject the idea that one gender is superior to the other. Value and respect both of them equally.

27. Face the fact that sometimes women will not like you, will think you are stupid, will make fun of you, will not treat you well, will fire you from a job, will laugh at you, will refuse your advances. Just like men will.

28. Grow up. Learn to accept rejection, disappointment and frustration. Don't take them out on others.

29. Don't laugh at rape jokes. When you hear one, object to it.

30. React to comments like 'She's asking for it” the same way you react to 'It'd be fun to strangle that baby.”

31. No matter how much of a slut you think a woman may be, defend her right to choose when and where she has sex, and who she has sex with. Insist your friends do the same.

32. When you talk with your buddies, be sure to warn them to NOT RAPE ANYONE if they are out at night, or with a new girl, or in any situation where it is possible for them to commit rape.

33. If you know someone who is a rapist, do something about it. Do not ignore, tolerate, pretend you don't know or don't care, or make excuses for him. DO SOMETHING about it such as, reporting him to the police, and everyone else.

34. If you know someone has or uses Date Rape Drugs, do something about it. Turn them in, warn any women who may be endangered, or do whatever you can to stop that person.

35. Be aware of your surroundings. When you see a man who may be a threat to a woman, watch him, and intervene if necessary.

36. If you have raped anyone, go to therapy until you figure out what is wrong with you, and fix it.

37. If you are a rapist, know that a few million human beings on this planet right now have no respect for you and may even wish you were dead.

38. When you get email chain letters telling women what to do to prevent men raping them, substitute this list instead.

39. Send this to every man you know. 

updated here

the Devil is an Orgasm

Long drawn-out passionate kisses, your lover nibbling your earlobe,  licking your neck,  passion building out of control, you're melting, when suddenly "Father, send your Holy Spirit int..."

You leap to your feet screaming WHAT THE FUCK WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO and too late you remember, this person is a Catholic,

just saying the "Prayer Before Making Love", like it says to do in the Prayer Book  for  Spouses that the
Catholic  Truth  Society murdered innocent trees to reprint. While you mourn the loss of the trees, the mood, and your complete lack of sense in relationships, your once-lover now specimen under psychological observation mumbles the rest of their incantation,

... into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.
Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will.
Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness.
Clothe us in our true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever. Mary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen

By now you're dressed and out the door, resolved to never have anything to do with Catholics or other insane persons.
Note: that'll include Musims, they do the same thing, and provide me a title for this post, from the comments.

Glimmers of Hope

Anymore I cry when I read the news, but even in the midst of death and destruction you can find tiny glimmers of hope. Here are a couple, both involving sea turtles.

In this one, a bunch of environmental groups got together and sued BP (yay, them) and the judge ruled in their favor. Now BP won't be able to burn oil without letting rescuers go through it to save turtles and other critters that are caught in it. Before they were just raking it up and setting fires, now they will have to hold off, and allow rescuers in to help the wildlife.  Hooray for Micheal Ellis, the shrimper who reported this, and the Sea Turtle Restoration Project, who acted on it. Heroes, they is it.

Yeah, I know; it took a lawsuit to make them stop setting fire to baby animals, but Stop That!  We are looking at the bright side here, dammit. Here's the other one.

In this one, hero biologists are digging up thousands and thousands of sea turtle eggs, shipping them across the country, to the Atlantic coast. They would have faced certain death if they hatched and had to crawl into what used to be the Gulf of Mexico, but this way they might be able to swim out into the ocean and swim around being turtley for thirty or forty years, before they come back to shore, which is what turtles do.  Good luck, little guys.

And for dessert, a little story of hatchlings who lost their way (with a happy ending, of course).