Is it your fault someone does something you did not consent to?

a little background;

A woman got too drunk, and fearing for her safety, she called the police to assist her in getting home safely. The police raped her.

Rachael Larimore, writing for Slate, excoriates her for

“drinking too much and going home with a stranger isn’t a wise idea”
“were it possible for her to go back in time, she would gladly give up the few hours of carefree drinking”
“it does require the exercise of common sense.”

Personal Failure, bless her little heart, jumps all over Larimore,

Rape is the fault of the rapist. She says, and Going home with a “strange man" is also not consent.

Somebody asked my opinion on this. OK.

First get this out of the way; I hate that like night follows day trivializing comparisons spring up between property crime and rape. It implies that a woman has a possession that can be taken from her, instead of is a person whose rights and dignity are violated. These comparisons are prefaced by protestations that raping is much more serious than stealing a laptop, or a bike, or uncovered meat. That's wrong. Rape is not more serious than theft—it is qualitatively different. That some people can't see that is a problem.

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Now. Distinguish between doing things, ourselves, and making suggestions for other people to do things. Telling someone else what to do can be insulting and requires tact. Telling someone what they should have done, after the fact, is blaming and hurtful and in most instances should not be done.

Worst is the implied, and false, assumption that some course of action exists that completely eliminates the possibility, with the corollary that the person being criticized chose to not take that imaginary course of action.

Some people profess to believe that Larimore's “suggestions” do not imply consent, but I find that disingenuous. There seems to be more in play, as below.

As for actually doing things ourselves, everyone agrees that we can do things that increase the likelihood that something bad will happen to us.
Yes, everyone agrees that doing those things is stupid. No one argues otherwise.
Matvejevna, in one of these bike stealing comparisons, says

Did I, ... consent to give my bike away? No.
Was it my own fault that my bike got stolen? Yes,

This is a pretty fine hair to split. You did not consent to it but it's your own fault anyway? You would say it was, I would say it wasn't. How does that work? What do you mean exactly when you say “it's your fault”? These words can evoke different things:

you are at fault

you are to blame

you are responsible for

you bear responsibility for

you asked for

you deserve

you got what you were asking for

you got what you deserved

you had it coming, for doing something stupid.

It seems different people have different things in mind when they say “It's her fault.”

Since everyone agrees that there are certain things that can increase our chances of being harmed, and that doing those things is stupid, there are really two other questions being asked here, and both relate to the nonexistent course of action mentioned above.

1) Should a person ever or never do any stupid thing?

Possibly others would answer that no one should do anything stupid. My answer is that yes, not only is it inevitable that all of us do stupid things in our lifetimes, but that making such mistakes is a useful and necessary part of growth.

2) When you do something stupid, should you or do you deserve to be punished? Here I would answer no, and this seems to be the heart of the matter.
Authoritarian types are big on punishment, retribution, vengeance, divine judgment. Woman did something stupid, she deserves the consequences, i.e it's her fault she got raped.

Egalitarian types like me are big on freedom, including the freedom to make mistakes, learn from them, change and grow. Woman made an error in judgment, she doesn't deserve to get raped for it. i.e. it's not her fault.

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Excepting the crazies, both sides agree that the rapist is at fault and that is what should be condemned, but effectively he gets a free pass because people ignore that and focus on this minor side issue. He should not get a free pass, and however one feels about cosmic justice, we should be talking about him.

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Last point. This topic started when a woman, realizing she was incapacitated, for whatever reason, asked the police for assistance. I see that as an exhibition of common sense. Instead, she is being criticized for not having common sense.
I see that as entrusting her safety to the police. Larimore sees it as “going home with a strange man” (!!). It's hard not to remember where we've heard that before.

But WTF options does Larimore offer her if she, like denelian, finds herself roofied and needs help? She tells us

“were it possible for her to go back in time, she would gladly give up the few hours of carefree drinking”

Well, I maintain that she is entitled to a few hours of carefree drinking. Just as is anyone else. That pretty much defines a civilized, free, society. She is also entitled to depend on the police for help when she needs it. We could not ask for a more clear example of cops abusing the power given them by the government. The same applies though to every man who abuses the power given them by privilege; their position in our patriarchal society.

We are entitled to drink, to do stupid things, and to rely on police protection even when we do them. This woman may have been naive to think she could be safe around a NYC cop, but for me it's a long ways from that to “it's her fault”.

Here's a fact. The question “Can the police be trusted?” immediately, with no intervening steps, morphed into “Is the woman to blame?” That, to me, is deeply disturbing.

900 Proof Scotch

What are we gonna do with Rape Crisis Scotland?  First they come up with the Best Ad Ever, and now this. That's right, they've taken that great ad that was so full of win, mashed it, cooked it, and distilled it into 900 PROOF WIN that they bottled up into an entire website which is RIGHT HERE.

If you don't go to their new website and go clickity click clickety all over it, and go into convulsions from all the sheer awesomeness, then I just don't know what I'm gonna do with you. 

http://www.thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk/

Gang Rape is Normal

When I came back from being gone the most important thing in the news was that some cracker was going to make a bonfire and the owners of the old Burlington coat factory were going to renovate.

Outside this Former United States, other things were going on, like in the Congo,

Describing how common rape is in the country, Wallstrom said that some Congolese women have concluded that "being gang raped by many men is normal for a woman."

But who cares, right?

Making a List and Checking it Twice

Sarah M at Change Happens writes about personal safety for SAFER (that's Students Active For Ending Rape). She also linked to this this post at After Silence, where I got this poster, which is just Awesome dripping with Win. 

In this post Sarah makes a useful distinction between primary prevention and risk reduction

a) primary prevention education and techniques: approaching sexual violence prevention by focusing on the changing perpetrator behavior and cultural attitudes that enable rape and assault

b) risk reduction techniques: the strategies most often given to women to ‘reduce the risk’ that they will be assaulted by altering their behavior, i.e., stay in groups, watch your drink).

Although both are important, and she discusses this, around here we're focused on (a), with our list of Rape Prevention Tips For Men. She made her own list, here:

• Don’t use alcohol or drugs to manipulate someone into sexual activity. Don’t stand by silently while your friends do it either
• Don’t ignore verbal and/or physical signs of discomfort when hooking up with someone
• Ask your partner what they want, or check in with them before taking things further
• Stand up to your friends who make jokes about rape
• If you see someone being aggressive or making clearly unwanted advances to another person, step in or cause a distraction
• Understand the long-term negative emotional and physical effects of sexual violence on a survivor

Some points here might not be addressed in our list. (it's not my list, you readers have been a big help in making it, so it's our list) We'll need to make a side-by-side comparison. What do you think? Go and read all of Sarah's post (it's excellent) and maybe you'll see ways to improve our lists.

Rape Tips

Look up at the top, there's a new tab, with the whole story of this RPT project, with links and stuff. Also an email address in case you don't wanna put things in comments.

Thanks to everyone for their great feedback.

Here is the revised list, as it looks now.

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I. Know what rape is. Understand that any sex act, with someone who does not want it, is Rape; and that even though sex may be one motivation, the act itself is an abuse of power.

II. Treat rape with the seriousness it deserves. Learn who rapes, how, and why, and the damage they cause: not in the locker room but from professionals and survivors.

III. Don't think you are entitled to sex because you're horny, or you spent money, or this person dated you, or married you, or had sex with you before, or any other reason.

IV. Stop when you're asked to, either verbally or physically, even if it's in the middle of the hottest sex you've ever had.

V. Toughen up. Be man enough to take disappointment, frustration, and rejection without taking it out on others. Step up and work to change your gender's behavior so that rapes will not happen, instead of depending on women to do it for you.

VI. Walk the Walk. DO SOMETHING about it when you know someone is a rapist or a danger. Turn them in, warn any women who may be endangered, or do whatever you can to stop that person. DO NOT tolerate, excuse, or ignore.

VII. Speak up. Defend a woman's unconditional right to choose when and where to have sex, and who with, and insist your friends recognize that right. Don't laugh at rape jokes or catcalls, object to them.

IX. If you have raped anyone, get help, figure out what is wrong with you, and fix it. Make reparations if possible.

X. Send this to every man you know, and when you get chain letters telling women what to do to avoid men who rape them, substitute this list.

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It's not perfect yet, so don't be bashful to criticize it. Some reservations I have are

Notes:
The roman numerals just keep the old list separate from the revision, which is an attempt to moosh all 39 of them into a dozen or so. Only way I could see to do that was to make each tip longer than I'd like it to be.

V. is clunky, and I'm not happy with that be responsible for 'other mens behavior' bit. It's an attempt to include these ideas:
16 Accept responsibility for your own gender. Stop expecting and advising women to prevent rapes.
27. Face the fact that sometimes women will not like you, will think you are stupid, will make fun of you, will not treat you well, will fire you from a job, will laugh at you, will refuse your advances. Just like men will.

IX. Not sure about this one. Seda suggests adding "Then find the woman or women you raped, and, in the presence of her family and a mediator skilled in restorative justice, apologize and offer reparation." Good advice; should it be on this list?

V and VI, the tone is sorta pugnacious.  Bad?  Counterproductive?

SEX RAPE POWER WTF

#15. Understand that rape is about power, not about sex.

Seems like a simple, obvious, statement, to me, so I'm nonplussed that people argue over it. They say

'Do you honestly think that "it's not about sex" for a horny man on a first date with a woman who has sex with the woman anyway after she says no? '

---or---

men who place the so-called "date rape pill" in drinks in bars to get beautiful women into private places where they can have sex with them are motivated by lust.”

Hmmm, they're right in a way. These examples are “about sex”, in the sense that the perpetrator of the criminal act in this case was motivated by it. That's all very true and all very beside the point. We're not claiming there is no relationship between sex and rape. Also, we're not discussing motivations.

The disconnect seems to be about what about's about. These guys, let's call them 'RAy', interpret about as meaning “motivated by”, and have arguments about psychology, innateness and biology. None of which is relevant to the point I want to make.

I don't care what motivates the criminal to commit the act, I'm talking about the criminal act itself, which is an abuse of power. What motivates anyone to abuse power is not part of the discussion, but I can't get Ray to see the distinction

"doing something without consent turns almost anything into crime. Saying that rape isn't about sex makes about as much sense as saying that theft isn't about acquiring property.”

Yeah, theft is 'about' acquiring property, in the above sense which I'm not using, but acquiring property is not a crime, and Theft is. It's not a crime because of the thief's motives, it's a crime because of the thief's actions. In the sense we're using 'about', Robbery is 'about' stealing shit, not 'about' the greed that motivates the thief to steal shit. RAy can be as greedy, or as lustful, as he wants — right up to the point where he abuses his power,  by taking whatever it is without permission.

Maybe #15 would be better this way?

Understand that Rape is the act (of abusing power),
not the (sexual) motivation for that abuse.

Ray won't like it. He'll still say,

You can point this out [that all rapes are abuses of power] as much as you like, but it has nothing to do with the obvious truth that the men in these scenarios were motivated to have sex with these women out of lust.”

That's exactly right, it has nothing to do with it. Neither does the Apollo moon landing, so why does he insist on changing the topic? We try to address the topic of rape being violent, and he diverts the discussion onto motivations, a topic that even he says has nothing to do with it.
We're not talking about whether these men can or do or should want to have sex (it's pretty safe to assume they do), the topic is these people committing violence.

For context here, we've been compiling a list of “Rape Prevention Tips for Men”, advice directed to men, that could be helpful for men who would like see rape eliminated. The point is to separate sex and rape, so we can address them as two different things, since the goal is to eliminate one of them, not both. Apparently this is too subtle for Rays to grasp.

Q: “Why do some people feel the need to separate rape from sex?”
A: “Good question - that's exactly what I've been wondering.”

This sounds to me like “Why do people need to not get raped?” or, “Hey, let's all cut off our right foot” so aside from some pretty creative profanity I'm stuck, but Helen Huntingdon had an answer:

“The reason these dudes are trying to mansplain about rapists wanting sex is the mansplainers don't have any mental concept for sex without coercion.
If you're used to thinking in terms of how to "get" a partner to want sex, whether through buying dinner or whining that it's been X days or whatever, you're already thinking in terms of your partner being someone who isn't going to choose sex with you freely. From there, coercion just looks like a matter of degree, and we get the tools showing up splitting hairs about just how much pressure they're allowed before it's rape. These guys can believe rape is about sex because it hasn't occurred to them that sex without the coercive aspect is even an option.”

That seems right. With that notion of sex, women don't want it, men need it, and the question is how to get her to give it. How much force or coercion are we allowed to use before it is called rape? To say “none” is to say we can never have sex at all.

You can't separate rape and sex in your mind if they are the same thing, and sadly for some people this is the case, like this Ray:

Rape is often about power, but it is about sex first. Sex itself is a power struggle

If you see life like that you have serious issues, but to be fair, in our culture that's the dominant notion of sex, that we are all brought up to hold and will likely retain unless and until something happens to shake it loose.
It should be shaken loose.

In this culture, (paraphrasing Skeptifem)

a person can be raped and not realize that is what has been done to them;

a person can commit rape and not realize that is what they have done to someone;

a person can think they are 'getting sex' from a willing partner even when the partner is unwilling or even actively resisting;

a person can confuse masculinity with dominance, confuse dominating a partner with having sex with them, and accept one party being traumatized as a normal part of sex. This culture turns sex into a power struggle for control over an inferior, instead of a mutually shared experience between two equals.

The best thing we can do to combat rape is to shake loose the former and replace it with the latter. If every person on earth had this latter notion of what sex is, they would respect their partner and there wouldn't be any power and control lorded over any victims.

...I can't believe that anyone is too fucking stupid to see that an unconscious, drugged woman cannot see that power and control are being lorded over her, when she is, unconscious after being drugged, and that the drugging was obviously a means to an end for the rapist to have sex with a woman whom he lusted for.

Well, from my end, it's all too easy to believe that someone "is too fucking stupid to see" that ...

... the fact of someone “lording power and control over a person” doesn't cease to be a fact just because the person isn't aware of it at that exact moment. It's still there, it's still a fact, and it's still wrong.

I don't object to the man lusting after the woman.

I don't object to the man having sex with the woman.

I do object to “lording power and control over her”. Whether his motivation is to show her who's boss, or to fuck her, or to steal her purse, I still object to it, and it's still about power, not sex.

Anyhow that's what I tried to say with #15. Now how do I get Ray to see that?

How do I get this idea across in a pithy little one liner in a bulleted list of “Rape Prevention Tips”?

Or should I even bother? Should that be on the list at all?

Rape Prevention Tips

Ways to Prevent Rape

1. Do not rape anyone.

2. Do not think you have the right to rape anyone.

3. Know what rape is. Know the meaning of 'consensual'.

4. Understand that anything sexual, with someone who does not want it, is Rape.

5. Don't believe that spending money on a date entitles you to sex in return.

6. If you're on a date, keep in mind that if your date wants to go so far, but then stop, and you don't stop, you are committing rape.

7. If you see a woman who is drunk, or asleep, or otherwise unable to resist, treat her the way you would like to be treated, by not molesting or raping her.

8. Don't think that having had sex in the past means you can have it now.

9. Recognize that consenting to be your girlfriend or wife is not consent to have sex.

10. Remember that no matter how horny you are, it doesn't mean anyone else is.

11. When someone says no to you, stop.

12. Remember that when someone pushes you away, or otherwise verbally or physically indicates that they do not want to have sex with you, you are committing rape if you continue.

13. Accept that when a woman wants to stop having sex, even if it's in the middle of the sex act, she has that right, and you must respect it.

14. Remember that rape is a crime, and even if you get away with it, you have violated another person's rights, and are guilty.

15. Understand that rape is about power, not about sex.

16. Accept responsibility for your own gender. Stop expecting and advising women to prevent rapes.

17. Place the burden of stopping rape on men, who are the ones that do it, not on its victims.

18. Don't expect women to stop rape, all on their own efforts, without help from you.

19. Learn about rape, don't just accept common myths. Talk to nurses, social workers, and others with experience. Or just listen to the women in your life, since some of them without doubt are rape survivors.

20. Learn about the aftermath of rape. Learn what rape victims experience in the courts, at the hands of police, doctors, even their families and friends.

21. Learn how rapists destroy lives, in ways that are as inhumane as murder.

22. Spend some time imagining what it is like for your woman friends, how it would change your life, to be aware every second of every day that they are at risk of a man violently attacking them.

23. Understand what people mean when they talk about 'rape culture', 'patriarchy', 'male privilege'. Don't dismiss people's legitimate concerns.

24. Volunteer to help your local Rape Crisis Center, even if it's only by donating money. Help publicize their efforts and the good they do. Work toward a day when they are not necessary.

25. Keep in mind that for your woman friends, rape is not just a hypothetical, and the subject is just as painful for many of them as the war is to veterans with PTSD.

26. Reject the idea that one gender is superior to the other. Value and respect both of them equally.

27. Face the fact that sometimes women will not like you, will think you are stupid, will make fun of you, will not treat you well, will fire you from a job, will laugh at you, will refuse your advances. Just like men will.

28. Grow up. Learn to accept rejection, disappointment and frustration. Don't take them out on others.

29. Don't laugh at rape jokes. When you hear one, object to it.

30. React to comments like 'She's asking for it” the same way you react to 'It'd be fun to strangle that baby.”

31. No matter how much of a slut you think a woman may be, defend her right to choose when and where she has sex, and who she has sex with. Insist your friends do the same.

32. When you talk with your buddies, be sure to warn them to NOT RAPE ANYONE if they are out at night, or with a new girl, or in any situation where it is possible for them to commit rape.

33. If you know someone who is a rapist, do something about it. Do not ignore, tolerate, pretend you don't know or don't care, or make excuses for him. DO SOMETHING about it such as, reporting him to the police, and everyone else.

34. If you know someone has or uses Date Rape Drugs, do something about it. Turn them in, warn any women who may be endangered, or do whatever you can to stop that person.

35. Be aware of your surroundings. When you see a man who may be a threat to a woman, watch him, and intervene if necessary.

36. If you have raped anyone, go to therapy until you figure out what is wrong with you, and fix it.

37. If you are a rapist, know that a few million human beings on this planet right now have no respect for you and may even wish you were dead.

38. When you get email chain letters telling women what to do to prevent men raping them, substitute this list instead.

39. Send this to every man you know. 

updated here

Best Ad Ever

If you were watching the World Cup in Scotland you would have  jumped up and shouted YEAH, GO TEAM!  Not for the players, but because you saw the ad below at half-time. It's out by Rape Crisis Scotland, and it is spot fucking on.  Cara at the Curvature says what needs saying but let me add my two bits.

We've all seen those list of "ways to prevent rape" that without fail address how women need to restrict their lives since rape is just something that falls out of the sky, nothing to do with men.
We started a different list addressed to the perpetrators instead of the victims, and  high on that list was "Don't laugh at rape jokes".  Along those lines, this ad puts the problem squarely where it belongs, on the perpetrators and their enablers.  Watch for the second guy, the one who looks over his shoulder.

Doesn't that just KICK ASS? There's lots more you could say, by Cara already did (she even has a transcript)  Extract:

Here is what I love about this ad: it treats rape apologist attitudes as a problem, regardless of whether or not they refer to a specific rape. There is no indication in the commercial that the woman has actually been raped. There is no indication that she will be raped. There is no indication that the man who makes the “she’s asking for it” comment is actually planning on raping her, or anyone else, for that matter. And still, in spite of all of this, his comments are dangerous, they have a real impact, and they are worthy of our attention. They’re worthy, in fact, of a PSA about how incredibly fucked up they are. All on their own.
And that, I think, is absolutely fabulous.

Here’s what else I love about this ad: while there’s no indication whatsoever that the man is a rapist, there’s no way to tell for sure that he’s not, either. As Thomas has pointed out many times at Yes Means Yes, while not all men who make rape apologist jokes are rapists, rapists do tend to make rape jokes and apologist comments. Leaving the man’s motives up to interpretation thus manages to do two important things: tell guys who aren’t rapists but think that rape is something fun to joke about that it’s not, as well as tells guys that if their friend is making these types of comments, you should probably point out that it’s not cool. As bystander behavior is incredibly important, I have to say that I love this potential dual effect.

Yeah, what she said.  Read the whole thing, and the comments, too, and click the info button under the Youtube video. RCS had good reasons to launch this, check it out at their homepage. They even have a website for the ad campaign, http://notever.co.uk/  Check it out.  It just tickles me silly.

Ps. If you clicked the YES box in the top picture, you're a worthless piece of shit. Just letting you know.