Faster Mohammed! Kill! Kill!

If my postings have gotten kind of scattered, it's because I'm so sick of this thing. It's to where I can only force myself back to reading it if I'm shitfaced. People that study this book become suicide bombers? Makes perfect sense to me, reading this could take away anybody's will to live.

Except for 110, a little wet spot of a sura that's only three lines long, this is the last verse so it abrogates all that comes before, which makes me wonder why they made us suffer through all that early stuff, but anyhow here's what's in it.

Verse 5, the famous “kill infidels wherever you find them”, and verse 111, the suicide bombers' favorite quote that they'll go to heaven.
Line 9:67 and 9:90, god hates people and will never forgive them, not even if they ask 70 times. More misrepresentations of jewish and christian beliefs in 9:31, (they're polytheists, Mo thinks), and 9:111, their scriptures command them to kill, which godhammed thinks is a good thing. That's about all it says, but it's longer than shit. I condensed it   

Chapter 9 The Repentance

(1) We don't have to keep our treaty with the infidels
(2) They've got four months. I'll kick their ass (IKYA)
(3) I hereby declare that Mo is not bound (by any contract) to idolaters IKYA
(4) except ones who keep their side of the treaty (??!!)
(5) After the four months, kill them all. Unless they convert and pay us.
(6) Give them asylum if they ask for it.
(7) There can't be a treaty between us and the infidels. Except this Mecca one.
(8-10) They're assholes.
(11) But if they convert and pay us , they're ok;
(12) but if they step out of line, go back to fighting them
(13) Fight them,
(14-16) it's good therapy.
(17) The idolaters have no right to visit the mosques.
(18) Only we get to.
(19) Taking care of the mosque and the pilgrims isn't as good as
(20) invading it like we did.
(21-22) We'll go to heaven.
(23-4) Turn your back on your family if they don't join our cult
(25) In the battle of Hunain, God sent invisible troops to help
(27) I do whatever i feel like (WIFL)
(28) the idolaters are unclean. they should not approach the Mosque after this year. You won't go broke cuz I know verything (IKE).
(29-30) Fight the Jews and Christians.
(31) They worship Mary and Ezra (!!)
(32-33) They utter blasphemies; I don't like them.

(34) many rabbis and priests accumulate gold and silver,
(35) On the day We'll shall heat up their gold and brand them with it, and jeer.
(36) There's 4 months that're sacred. Don't fight during them except in defense.
(37) You can't postpone them like the infidels do.
(38) Don't be satisfied with things,
(39) Unless you go fight, IKYA.
(40) Remember god helped Mo when he was in the cave; he sent invisible armies.
(41) go fight
(42-5) Some people made excuses and stayed behind.
(46) I held them back
(47) cuz they would've just fucked things up.
(48-9) They're traitors. They go to hell
(50) they're traitors.
(51) Tell them: "God's on our side;
(52) IKYA,
(53) you are reprobates."
(54) Don't accept their money.
(55) I punish them with wealth, They'll all go to hell (TAGTH).
(56) They're not really with you;
(57) they're chickenshits.
(58) They say you don't distribute things equally;
(59) They shouldn't.
(60) Charities are meant for: the poor, administration costs, advertising, ransoms, debt relief, god, and wayfarers: IKE
(61) Some people say Mo is too soft, but when he needs to he kicks ass.
(62-3) Please me or go to hell.
(64) Tell the hypocrites "You'll find out!”
(65) If they say they were just joking, don't listen,
(66) punish them anyway.

(67) I hate them.
(68-9) They're goners,
(70) just like Noah and Abraham and all those guys. They wouldn't listen to the prophets.
(71-2) I'll let my cultists go to heaven, (with gardens & streams & mansions)
(73) Fight the unbelievers and the hypocrites. They're all going to hell. (TAGTH)
(74) They didn't really belief so TAGTH
(75-6) Some of them didn't give alms
(77) so I made them be hypocrites for the rest of their lives
(78) IKE
(79) those who don't give pay TAGTH
(80) I will never forgive them.
(81) Those who didn't fight
(82) will suffer for it.
(83) tell them they can never some with you
(85) repeat line 55
(86) Whenever I tell them to fight they wanna stay home
(87) with women.
(88) But Mo will be successful
(89) and go to heaven
(90) Some nomads asked to stay behind. But TAGTH
(91-2) The old and the sick can stay behind, or if you're too poor,
(93) The ones who can afford it but don't go, God seals their hearts so they do not understand. (!!??)
(94) Keep an eye on those fuckers
(95) They are scum; TAGTH
(96) Don't accept them, I don't.
(97) The nomads are worse. IKE
(98) Some nomads don't wanna pay. TAGTH. IKE
(99) Some nomads believe, and pay. They get to go to heaven.
(100) Those believe will go to heaven (with streams)
(101) Some nomads and Medinans are hypocrites,TAGTH.
(102) But some of them aren't all bad. I might forgive them. I'm nice.
(103-5) Sell them blessings instead of killing them.
(106) I might forgive some others WIFL. I'm nice
(107) The guys that built the mosque, TAGTH
(108-110) Never set foot in the mosque. IKE
(111) Cult members have sold their souls to God; they get killed for him and he puts them in heaven.

(112) believers go to heaven.
(113) Don't forgive idolaters even if they are relatives
(114) Abraham disowned his father. Abraham was soft hearted and kind. (!!)
(115) I never lead men astray.
(116) Everything belongs to me. I'm your only friend.
(117) I'm nice
(118) I forgave the three who didn't go to the battle of the Ditch. I'm nice.
(119) Obey me.
(120) The nomads and the Medinans should've followed Mo,
(121) cuz they'd've gone to heaven.
(122) Not everybody can go to war, but some should.
(123) Fight the unbelievers.
(124) Some people believe Mo's revelations
(125) and some don't:
(126) This happens once or twice a year.
(127) God has turned their hearts away.
(128) Mo's a prophet. He's the greatest.
(129) Proselytize.


Ketan said...

Sweet dreams! :) I also read the lines before the last line. Your translation and summarization seems to faithful, in other words, it high 'fidel'ity, and so you're not an infidel, and that makes you, kind of well, safe. But after all HKE (He knows everything) and WHFL (He does What He Feels Like). So, not so safe, either. :(

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Very good and amusing summation kudos