Jesus, Master of Kung Fu

There's a bunch of places in the bible where people try to grab Jesus and they can't do it. Here's one in John 10:39.

Again they tried to seize him, but he escaped their grasp.

Why is that, I wondered, is he some kind of Kung Fu Master, that can wiggle out of any hold? Well, he coulda been. After all, where'd he hang out for thirty years?

In the Bible, he gets born, turns up once as a kid, then all of a sudden he's a grownup preacher. Where was he all that time, and how did he get to be all wise and shit? Answer me that, yo.

According to this book, he went to Asia and studied Yoga all that time. The word yoke is basically the same word as Yoga and this makes sense. So Jesus said stuff like

Matt 11:29 Take my yoke yoga upon you and learn from me,

Pfft, you say, whatsit got to do with Kung Fu? Well, in India martial arts and yoga are all mixed together. In fact, some MA traditions are just called Yoga.

You got yer Judo in Japan, yer Gong Fu in China, yer Tae Kwon Do in Korea, and in India, you got Yoga. So if JC was studying Yoga in India for twenty years, that explains the yoke comment, and how he could wiggle so good.

...and...

Here's something else that's odd. Remember when Jesus went all Old Testament on the bankers?

He made a whip to do it with, wtf a whip? If you were going to wade into a brawl, wouldn't you draw a sword or at least grab up the nearest 2X4, or whatever they used in those days, maybe a thumb-by-palm? Would your weapon of choice be a crummy whip?

Well, I only know of one martial art that uses an actual whip as a traditional weapon, and that's Kalari Payat. Guess where it's practiced? That's right, the state of Kerala, in Southwest India. No trick at all for the baby Jesus to hitch a ride on the monsoon winds, sail over there, enroll in the local temple, learn how to kick ass, take names, and give sermons. Then he had a mid-life psychotic episode just like Mohammed did, sailed back and the rest is history. Sorta.

So if there was a real Jesus person, that's what he was up to. This answers all your Bible questions:

What'd he mean by a 'yoke'?
Where was he all those years?
Why couldn't people grab him?
Why'd he use a whip?

Now you know. Kind of neat, huh?