Atheist Theme Park

You know what would make a kick-ass theme park? Those guys in Kentucky are doing it wrong; too serious, and too narrow minded. No sense limiting your park to just one silly myth, you should include all of them. Think of the possibilities: not just the Gilgamesh Ark, you could have four armed elephants, feathered serpents, flying donkeys ... 

Think of all the cool rides. Get some pink hair dye, ponies, pointy hats—presto, pink unicorn rides. Not sure how you'd make them invisible, but wev. Ride the Flying Spaghetti Monster and get touched by His Noodly Appendage, see Cthulhu lying 'dead but dreaming' in The Underworld. Ride  Charon's Ferry across the River Styx to get there, of course. Ride on Quetzalcoatl's raft of snakes.

The streetlights could be burning bushes, have actors run around dressed as dog-headed Thoth, crocodile headed Sobek, all those Egyptian characters, Coyote the Trickster—it'd be better than Mickey and Goofy. Bring in the animatronics guys—they could build some BITCHIN gods. Remember Cerebus, the two headed dog in the Harry Potter movie? Medusa? Indra, with the thousand eyes? (or vaginas; might have to put him in the Adult Section, along with that Noodly Appendage act) How about Vajrayogini, with a severed head, spouting fountains of blood? Zombies got nuthin on that babe. Far as that goes, you get zombies, they're part of Voodoo.

Imagine the food court! The Last Supper, no scratch that, what would they serve? Ewww. But those old pagans were always lighting fires and having feasts, eating ambrosia, drinking nepenthe. Dionysis, the god of wine? Corn Woman, who produces streams of corn or beans from her body? Ukemochi poured a different dish out of her mouth for each direction she was facing. Hainuwele was born out of a coconut and shits golden jewelry.

We should totes build this.

1 comment:

PersonalFailure said...

Dood, I would live there!