Tomorrow is Beethoven's coming out party. I'm going down to the big city to get laid on a table (not as good as it sounds) and get carved up like a jack-o-lantern. The greeting committee on hand for Beethoven's first public appearance will include a plastic surgeon as well as real live ones to represent oncology and neurology, and someone to provide drugs, in which I plan to shamelessly indulge. I expect I'll get stoned and I'll miss it.
Beethoven will be running the show, as no one knows exactly what will happen until the actual face-to-lump meeting, where everyone will take their cues from my little buddy. They tell me there's like a twenty percent chance I'll come out of this as good as I went in. My body will joint the beaters on the back lot with the banged up fenders and missing parts, but complaining seem petty considering Beethoven's selfless gesture of giving up his life to save mine. What a pal.
My vacation package includes ten days food and lodging at the beautiful downtown hospital, with a devoted crew of attendants catering to my every need, from injections to wound drainage. If all goes well, and by 'goes well' I mean not dying, most of me should be back home on the 25th. What's left will post an update then to tell you of all my fun adventures and whether I can play the piano; I keep asking the doctors if I'll be able to, after the operation, and you'd be surprised how many fall for it.
If there are no more posts on this blog, that probably means I didn't survive. Probably pissed Allah off, and you know how he is. Now is the chance for all muslims who find this blog offensive to pray that I die on the operating table, and if I don't, obviously it is Allah's will that I keep writing these posts. If there is a next one it should be before the end of the month.
15 comments:
I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you. Take care.
My mother had a stroke many years ago. When she was in rehab one day she asked the doctor, "Will I be able to type 90 words a minute again?"
He said he didn't know.
She then asked, "Will I be able to figure skate again?"
He said, "Did you play piano too, by any chance?"
Either way, good luck. Humor and good spirits are always a plus going in to these things, so you should be okay...
Good luck, Uzza.
I will miss you terribly if you don't come back, so come back, damnit!
Good way to get my attention. Scare the heck out of me, and I'll be here within seconds.
Will be thinking of you and shall raise a glass to your health. Looking forward to yoiur next post.
Hey Uzza,
We have an argument to finish on my blog. I aint takin no quitting from you. Fuck Beethoven! I'll be right here waiting for you! :)
Good luck dude.
Hoping for the best, Uzza. Take it easy and come back soon ;)
Thanks, you guys. I'm in thehospital now. Going thru some seriuos shit--your support meansa llot. I'll be back soon. carving went real well.
Dude! Good to hear from you bud! Get well soon!
Take a pic of Ol' Beet and post it here.
Good babe
Keep on keepin' on
There once was a guy called Uzza
Who said Ol' Mo was a loser
He pissed-off all of heaven,
Gave the finger to Beethoven
And is coming back to this blog - Huzzah!
This blogger was blogging along
when I found out something was wrong
my fans said good luck
so I won't give a fuck
I'll come back feeling happy and strong.
(thanks, you all)
I know of a woman who's a
wit and a comic named Uzza.
When faced with the rumor
that she had a tumor,
proved she's a lollapalooza.
In case you don't know, "lollapalooza" is an American idiom from the early 20th century that means, "remarkable or wonderful person or thing".
Darn, Uzza,
I think I like this new version better:
I know of a woman who's a
wit and a comic named Uzza.
When told of her tumor,
she faced it with humor;
proving she's a lollapalooza.
Hey Uzza,
I see that HolyDude refers to you as a male. I refer to you as female. Which one is it? Do I need to abandon my 7 veils fantasy? :-)
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