Quran Fish Story

See what I've got to work with? Here's your typical koran story, no background, no setting, no explanation: Moses and his helper went to the beach and saw a fish, and then came back. Big woo. Next—no there's no transition; why do you even ask?—Moses found some guy he wanted to study under. Yes, I know moses talks to god. I have no idea why he wants to learn from this dude, or who he is. It's the koran, remember?

The guy agreed but Mo had to promise not to ask questions (18:65-70). He scuttled some boat they were in, and Mo accused him of trying to drown them (v70-73). Then the guy commits a murder (!!!). Mo not only does nothing to stop it, he apologizes for even asking about it! Taken in context, Moses' shady past makes this believable (74-76). They go on to a town, nobody'll feed them, Mo bitches that they could've charged for some work the guy did rebuilding an old wall (77-78). Finally, it explains things (79-82).

He fixed the wall because there was money under it that belonged to two orphans and god didn't want them to find it till they were grown up. He wrecked the boat to foil cops god told him were coming to confiscate it. The murder, why he murdered this kid, was

⁸⁰ "As for the youth, his parents were people of Faith, and we feared that he would grieve them by obstinate rebellion and ingratitude (to Allah and man).
⁸¹ "So we desired that their Lord would give them in exchange (a son) better in purity (of conduct) and closer in affection.

Wrap your mind around that shit.

Then, Zul-qarnain (Same guy? I don't know, never heard of him) went to where the sun rises (ROFL). He didn't do anything there so I don't see why they mention it, but then he went to where it sets (ROFLMFAO—it actually says the sun sets in a muddy spring. LULZ!) Then he went somewhere and blocked off some mountain pass with a big wall—made out of iron covered with lead.

I'm betting archaeologists have never found a trace of this wall, but the worst is what happened at the muddy spring. If I'm reading this right—“sending somebody to the Lord” means killing them, right?—he gave orders to kill all the unbelievers.

⁸⁷ He said: "Whoever doth wrong, him shall we punish; then shall he be sent back to his Lord;
⁸⁸ "But whoever believes, and works righteousness, he shall have a goodly reward,

So here's what we've got. A fish swam in a straight line, two murderers went on a crime spree, and a genocidal ruler built a wall.

Why's it tell us these stories? What's the point? I have no idea. Oh, one other thing; these are the good guys. Apparently role models for us to wannabe, these murderers are. If we can't accept that like good little cultists, we could look in the virgintillions of hadith, but some muslims say we'll burn in hell if we do, and remember, knowledge is bad.
Well, fuck it, I'm going to look this up. Stay tuned.

Bring on the Backhoes!

(non-koran post)

Beethoven and I have been attending lots of consultations, social events where we nod and say “yeah, yeah, ok” while doctors tell us a lot of useless details, and how serious it all is, and don't laugh at our jokes. We're in the part of the job where you open the hood and everyone stands around, looks at the engine, and talks. I'm ready to do my job, which is to lay there, a task for which I am fully qualified, and sooner or later they will stop leaning on shovels and start digging, but for now we're just waiting to get a date. It's looking to be less romantic than some I've been on.

We've been consulted at by all kinds of doctors including a plastic surgeon, even though my boobs are fine. I've agreed to a “resection of paraspinal sarcoma with plastics closure.” That sounds like a ziplock, but really means they want to hack out a slab of muscle from somewhere else to plug the hole they make in my back. Creepily, they eyeballed my shoulder muscles and made remarks like “There's some good healthy tissue here, yum yum, and here... You're a prime candidate for the cooking pot operating table.” No drooling, but they did look at me like a piece of meat.

All this wading in with hipboots and backhoes is because Beethoven measures about 8cm in diameter, some bigger than a baseball, and he'll take muscle with him when he goes, leaving a big hole that would leave me all lopsided: I'd have to find a crooked house and a crooked cat. Besides the list of nine possible problems including death, there will be permanent weakness, and likely permanent numbness, but my body contours will be “more or less normal”. Yay! Somebody thinks this is a good idea?

If I leave Beethoven alone though, he'll go back to his old ways, gaining weight and putting claws in my backbone. I try to avoid racial profiling, but his sort do metastasize, a fancy word for “have offspring in parts of your body where no one needs to be poking around.”

I won't get to keep him on my mantle. We've found a space for him at the Biorepository, a horrid catacomb of bottled specimens deeply, and mercifully, hidden under the bowels of the Hospital, where hordes of grotesque and monstrous entities lie dead but dreaming, darkly plotting a terrible Day of Retribution on which to rise and displace humanity forever. He'll be happy there.

I suppose it's for the best, but I'll hate to see him go. We're really close, we go everywhere and do everything together. Heck, we're blood brothers! Whatever happens, I know his memory will stay with me for the rest of my life; if I wasn't afraid of terrible puns I'd say he's grown on me.

(next)

Parable of Jerk 'n Prick

Oh boy, a parable! Woot.

^18:32 Set forth to them the parable of two men: for one of them We provided two gardens of grape-vines and surrounded them with date palms; in between the two We placed corn-fields.
^18:33 Each of those gardens brought forth its produce, and failed not in the least therein: in the midst of them We caused a river to flow.

^18:34 (Abundant) was the produce this man had : he said Wait, what man? You mean one of the two gardeners? Why don't you say so. “This man” could be Charles Manson. Or Muhammed. Or Howard Hughes. to his companion, in the course of a mutual argument: "more wealth have I than you, and more honour and power in (my following of) men."

^18:35 He went into his garden in a state (of mind) unjust to his soul: He said, "I deem not that this will ever perish,

^18:36 "Nor do I deem that the Hour (of Judgment) will (ever) come: Even if I am brought back to my Lord, I shall surely find (there) something better in exchange." He's a snotty sumbitch, Howard is. Thinks he''ll live forever.

18:³⁷ His companion said to him, in the course of the argument with him: "Dost thou deny Him Who created thee out of dust, then out of a sperm-drop, then fashioned thee into a man?
^18:38 "But (I think) for my part that He is Allah, My Lord, and none shall I associate with my Lord.
^18:39 "Why didst thou not, as thou wentest into thy garden, (LOL, “wentest”) say: '(Allah)'s will (be done)! There is no power but with Allah.' If thou dost see me less than thee in wealth and sons,
^18:40 "It may be that my Lord will give me something better than thy garden,

yeah, it may be; or it may be you're just a pathetic little bitch and that He will send on thy garden thunderbolts (by way of reckoning) from heaven, making it (but) slippery sand!- Huh? Sand is made by thunderbolts? It's slippery?

^18:41 "Or the water of the garden will run off underground so that thou wilt never be able to find it." And WTF, your idea of something better is for the other guys garden to get blasted to smithereens. You're a jerk.

It's an argument between a colossal jerk and an egotistical prick, neither of which have names. Way to build empathy for your characters there, god.

^18:42 So his fruits (and enjoyment) were encompassed (with ruin), Hold it. Whaddya mean “so...”? Mr Prick is bragging: Mr Jerk says maybe something'll happen; ... so it does? Not exactly logical. You should pull a Joseph Smith and say “so it came (cameth?) to pass that the Lord didst smite (smiteth?) the fuck outta Prick's garden” and he remained twisting and turning his hands over what he had spent on his property, which had (now) tumbled to pieces to its very foundations, and he could only say, "Woe is me! Would I had never ascribed partners to my Lord and Cherisher!" Epic Logic Fail! There's a storm, so he thinks it must be Allah, when obviously it was the Mighty Hammer of Thor. Worse yet, Epic Parable Fail. It never mentioned him ascribing any partners.

^18:43 Nor had he numbers to help him against Allah, nor was he able to deliver himself. So it was Allah that wrecked his garden? Put out an APB on that perp.

^18:44 There, the (only) protection comes from Allah, the True One.??? Protection comes from the one who commits the crime? Works for the Mob. He is the Best to reward, by trashing your fields and crops the Best to give success. Only success in this story is how Mr. Jerk got the God-father to wreck his competitor's business. That's the moral?

It really sucks that god can't manage stuff like transitions or pronominal reference: is he in middle school or what? Maybe the Arabic is better and it's just the translator who sucks, but still, that's no excuse for telling crappy parables. Any Omniscient Omnipotent God should supply a logical connection between the moral and what happens in the story. It's in the job description.

Rant

OH NOES, this blog might be offensive to Muslims. Yeah, probly. So what? To those who say it should be a crime to insult religions, I say, get a clue: it's impossible not to. If there is more than one religion, then by definition they insult each other, whether you let it offend you or not. Does god have a son? Say yes, you blaspheme islam; say no, you blaspheme christianity; say there's no god in the first place, you blaspheme both. That's just the nature of reality, and people who complain about it are infantile, cowardly, hypocrites.

Infantile because they allow themselves to be offended. Mature adults control their feelings. Immature children are not yet capable, so they throw tantrums, allow events around them to manipulate their feelings, and react with rage to things an adult simply shrugs off.

Cowardly because they are capable of growing up, they just won't do the necessary work. Maturity requires thought, introspection, self-awareness and change. All this is hard work, and can be frightening, and it's easier to give in to your fear and do nothing; don't grow up, mature, or learn to control yourself.

Islam wins the prize for hypocritical, with their pathetic attempt to ban defamation of religion. Mohammedan clerics constantly denigrate other religions; so does the koran. To pass this resolution is tantamount to banning Islam; the only way around that is to apply it unilaterally, which is their obvious intention—we must respect them, while they disrespect us. Fuck that.

I'm pagan, I hold the Earth sacred, all its denizens, and everything on it. I believe waste is wrong, that we should treat every part of our world, non-living or living, with respect.

This insults my religion.

I hold every one of my fellow creatures to be sacred. Our bodies, in every part and processes, are the handiwork of the gods, that should be admired and revered, not hidden in shame.


This insults my religion.



I hold nature to be sacred, and reject the astounding arrogance of thinking our puny works could ever approach the awesome wonder of our natural world. I revere the miracles that surround us, the grandeur of a forest that makes the most magnificent man-made structure insignificant.

This insults my religion

Whatever 'gods' or creator forces you feel are responsible for the world, there are lessons for us in the wind, rain, trees, in our DNA. A god that contacts us by writing some human language shows less wisdom than scientists who seek to contact other species by sending universal symbols. Especially today when we can read the message written in our genetic code,

This insults my religion.

If any Muslims feel offended by this blog--I'll stop making fun of your religion when you start respecting mine.

Something's Wrong Here

People in heaven will be all pimped out. They'll

^18:31 be adorned therein with bracelets of gold, and they will wear green garments of fine silk and heavy brocade:

WTF? That's pretty weird since Mohammedans can't wear it. Hadith says so:

the Prophet said: “Silk is only worn in this world by the one who will have no share of the pleasure of the Hereafter.”(Bukhaari 5853)
the Prophet said: “Whoever wears silk in this world will not wear it in the Hereafter.” (Bukhaari, 5832).
same dude said "Wearing of silk and gold has been made unlawful for males and lawful for the females of my Ummah.'' (some website)

Wearing this stuff is ZOMG horribly wrong evil sinful, it gives god hemorrhoids or something, nobody is allowed to do it. But in heaven it's all de rigueur and god is down with it. What's sinful down here gives god the smileys up there? Do other things work that way too, like murder and robbery? Is heaven just one big rule-breaking orgy?

I went looking for WHY god has issues over Men in Silk, and guess what? It's juvenile hangups about sex. Surprise, surprise. NOT! Some silly website explained

“Islam must safeguard the manly qualities of men from any show of weakness, passivity and lethargy”

Whole books have been written about what's wrong with that idiotic statement, some of them by wussy-assed silk-wearing guys like this -->.

Mohammedans can't show a sign of weakness like Sun Tzu advised, or Miyamoto Musashi. Dasn't ever learn Tai Chi or Jujitsu. Sucks to be them, but they can look forward to looking just all Fabulous in paradise. Must have something to do with those youths of ever-lasting freshness. (Be sure to check out the poem by Abu Nuwas on that link : he sounds interesting. ) Lol, one more thing that's a sin this side of heaven but oh so good after you're in.

The creepiest thing is that Islam must, just absolutely must, safegaurd the mohammed-men's manly qualities. Why can't they grow up and safeguard themselves, why they need baby sitters? That limp-wristed silk-wearer in the picture didn't need anybody to safeguard his ass, I bet. Why can't the widdow itty mohammed-mans grow up and take care of themselves? Then they could wear whatever they want now instead of waiting for paradise? Unless Islam doesn't WANT them to grow up.

Hey, I could be onto something, d'ya think?

Zombies in the Quran

Ok, so now Mohammed is talking about the 7 Sleepers of Epehsus.

^18:18 Thou wouldst have deemed them awake, whilst they were asleep, and wouldst certainly have been filled with terror of them.

Doesn't say why. Maybe he made them be creepy stary-eyed zombie dudes. That would explain how nobody came around to bother them for 300 years. ZOMFG! Look, Zombies! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Anyway, he bumbles through the story and says he told us it so “there can be no doubt about the Hour of Judgment”. Huh? Some guys slept, so ... (?) I fail to see the connection.

Wait, I've got it. There were zombies in this cave, right, so that proves zombies are real, man, and on the day of judgment we'll all be rotted, flesh-craving undead just like them. Dude, it'll be awesome!

OTOH, I don't even like brains. I'm not the only one either, it says people dispute about it.

^18:21 (Some) said, "Construct a building over them": ... "Let us surely build a place of worship over them."

Yikes! Wouldn't that hurt? Then they dispute over how many sleepers were in the “7 Sleepers” story (uhhh, seven?), and Mohammed settles that by saying “my lord knoweth best” and “don't enter into controversies.” Clears that right up. God knows the answer, so we don't need to. I'll use that on my next physics exam.

Creationism much? They don't have an answer, they just say “god knows how.” Well BFD. So what, if he's not telling us? When I report to the job site to construct a building over those poor 7 sleepers, if the bossman tells me “my lord knowest how” he ain't getting any work. I want blueprints.

v23 & 24 keep on with the fatalism, tell us to always hedge by saying “Inshallah”, a good excuse to sit on your ass and do nada cuz it's Allah's will. Then it degenerates into more torture porn and bling. But the zombies were fun.