Surah Fucking Two

You know how long eternity is? It's how long I've been stuck in Chapter 2 of the koran, that's how long it it. It's so different from the first two thirds, it's like I teleported into a different church. The old preacher was all ragging on polytheist pagans, with Buraqs, and djinns and Uzza Lat and Manat. Just when I figured out all that crap, this one goes to talking about Christians and being all buddy buddy with Jews, mangling their old stories and snubbing Hagar.

Make that three different preachers. The first part is all sucking off the Jews, then about line 145-51 he goes all Sybil, Nazi Mo takes over the body, and Jews are Teh Ebil. It's like in a bar you overhear this guy saying “That chick at the next table is really nice, imma go over there” and three minutes later, on the way back from the dance floor you hear “She's a fucking bitch!” and you know he didn't score. That's Mo with the Jews, he's got no game.

By the end of the chapter he Sybils again into Micro Manage Mo, spelling out all kinds of civic duties for his peeps. He's got some followers to boss around now, and he's sticking his nose way all up in their business.

This sura starts after the move to Medina where the Jews were, that explains the first part of it. You can picture little Mohammedans in suits and ties, going door to door on little bicycles, “Hello, would you like to hear about how you'll burn in hell?” Assuming all this is in the right order, (which is like having a catholic priest babysit) in 44-7 and 62 the Jews were all People of the Book, brother, we love ya man, but by line 80 or 90 he was turning Nazi and God Hates Jews:

(97) You will see they are covetous of life more than other men, even more than those who practise idolatry. Each one of them desires to live a thousand years, although longevity will never save them from punishment, for God sees all they do.

Lines 145-51 are about changing the qibla, and it was about a year and a half after the move that they turned their bums towards Jerusalem, in late 623, so that must be when these lines came. Verses after that would be from 624. God is officially a bigot by then (and dont forget, abrogation!). By line 191-4 he's totally jumped the shark, goes all jihadi on us

(193) Fight them till sedition comes to end, and the law of God (prevails).

Around line 177 he starts getting all legalistic, telling everybody how to live, how to treat women (bad), interest rates, security, how to wipe your ass—no wait, that's in the hadith. You use five stones, in case you're interested. Ouch.

He's getting pretty bossy. Ten years as a no-account street preacher who couldn't get any followers, and now his cult has a few actual members, he starts throwing his weight around. Ask me if I'm surprised. Go ahead, say “Are you surprised?” Then I can say “Shit no, because I've read Jim Jones' life story, and Joseph Smith's, and Shoko Asahara's, and L. Ron Hubbard's and a whole clown car of guys who claim god talks to them, and this is just what they do, right before they start stealing money, breaking laws, and diddling little girls.” But I'm getting ahead of the story.

An interesting thing happened in 624—Mo'd been trying to diversify for a long time and he finally landed another source of income. Up till now he's had to rely on the Marjoe scam—fire&brimstone his cultists into filling the collection plate—but he doesn't have to rely on begging for donations anymore, no sir, fuck all that preaching about how to get streams and fruit, he can just sit back and give orders now. He's hit the big time, baby.

(to be cont.)