Eat Pussy (Matt 22:1-14)

Matthew 22:1-14

It's weird reading the bible. It's not new, not like I haven't been hearing these stories all my life. At least, I thought. 

Growing up was, “The bible has a story about a wedding banquet. It illustrates how … something … bad people don't get into heaven, so eat your broccoli.” Or whatever. Now though, I'm paying attention, and what I see is:

some king has a wedding and
throws some guy out for
not wearing the right clothes.

Wow, that's harsh. Jesus says heaven is like this king, though, so I guess you can't get in with jeans and a t-shirt. If you have to wear a tux who wants to go there, and besides, this king is a real creep who burned an entire city just to revenge some murders. Even the LAPD doesn't do that.
The whole thing sucks. If I'd known what it really says I'd never have eaten that broccoli.

They always quote that last line:

“Many are called but few are chosen”

See, I didn't even have to google it, it's embedded in my brain like some smiley faced cancer. What it means, though, that's ... mmm ... my fingers freeze on the keyboard ... the parrots in my memory shutup ... I feel myself bathed in a cold light of clarity, and I realize,

That doesn't have a damn thing to do with this story!

It says invite anyone you find. Everybody was chosen, not just a few. That line should read “Everyone is called and everyone is chosen, then a few are unchosen, if they can't afford sharp threads.”

Oh wait, it's a parable. You have to interpret it.[ya see the sarcasm in those letters? totes sarcasm]

This guy says the king provided clothes and the T-shirt guy snubbed him. Sez “it's evident.” Ha! What's evident to me is that the story doesn't say that.

This one says “one must know the eastern customs”. Uhhh, which one? Why? How many thousands of different cultures must I know? How far east? Is Utah far enough? 
Some pretty strange customs there.

Wikipedia says that's not likely right anyway, Augustine says the garment is love, Martin Luther says it's Christ, this yahoo says it's Jesus's teachings, sez “we have to say that”.
LOL, I don't gotta say that. I can say this;

Five different d00ds I just googled up, all telling me five different things. That makes five different religions. Whooo-hooo, sects for everybody!

None of these Christians say what the bible says (you need to dress up to get to heaven). That means  

Christianity is not based on the Bible.  

It's based on what some wanker says is in the bible.

Here's what I say is in the Bible. Eat Pussy. Eat lots of pussy, at every opportunity your woman gives you. The better job you do the better your chance at heaven. Because, you know, the goddess only chooses those who satisfy her. 

Forbidden Art

The Russian Orthodox church has gone all jihad. Gangs of altar boys on the rampage, defacing things, old ladies spitting on people. Why? Art, that's why, inciting religious hatred, like this:

Wait, Mickey Mouse? Yeah, kids get jumbled up ideas, hearing about Jesus and Mickey and Santa. Some kid out there probably pictures the Last Supper just this way. Santa on the Cross, too. It's accurate social commentary, plus it's cute, so naturally these old fuddies want to send the curator up the river.

Orthodox in Russia, Jews in Israel, Baptists in the US, everybody gots crazies. This lot is making death threats, just like South Park got. They

“threatened him in court and told him to remember the fate of "Caution: Religion!" curator Anna Alchuk. After she moved to Berlin, her body was found floating in the Spree River in 2008. German police said Alchuk most likely killed herself, but her husband blamed her death on persecution she faced as a result of the exhibit.”

Sounds like they've already got a Theo Van Gogh on their rap sheet. If we can learn one thing from the Middle East, it's don't let these people get in charge of anything. Laugh at them.

Catholic Not-So-Recent Problems

Internet connection's been down for a few days, so I finished up some old posts that were laying around. You've been warned.

Here's one for when the priests start in on how their problems are all caused by secularism in the modern world.    As if.  

Hat tip to Podblack Cat

Sun of the Gaps

I Don't Know My Ass (Matt 21:23-27)

Matthew 21:23-27

I'm hung up on Matthew 21:23-27. At first it seems too logical and clever to fit in with the garbled up rest of it. Jesus is Master of Debate here, they come asking him “How you get off going around baptizing people?” and he's like “Suck it dudes, I'm doing the same as John the Baptist”. They couldn't get away with dissing John, ok, but why the hell wouldn't they just say “You ain't no John the Baptist, hotshot.”?

What bothers me though is what they did say. “We don't know”! Whaaat? Since when have those words ever passed out of a priest's or a politician's piehole? These guys know how to save your soul, balance the budget, win the war in Iraq, fix the economy, and find the WMDs, just ask them. It can be obvious to people who have yet to master the potty chair that they don't have a clue, but you won't hear them admit it.

Q: Is the well shut off?

A: … these are approximate dates moving forward of what we can expect now that we’ve submitted in the well from the top in regards to moving ahead with the relief well and cementing the well from the bottom.”

(Thad Allen, on when the BP well will be shut off. He actually said that. In a press briefing. With a straight face.)

That's how a bureaucrat says “I don't have any fucking idea”. If this Matthew guy expects me to buy this “gospel” of his, he'd better start keeping it real.

Why is this so Funny?

ROFL