Abraham

The koran mentions Safa and Marwa by name, but not why these two lumps of rock are important. See, the prophet's wife was some murdering bastard abandoned his wife and kid there to die, and the woman miraculously, heroically, managed to save herself and her child. Hagar. Her name was Hagar: the koran doesn't even see fit to mention that, it just goes on and on about the prick who left them for dead. That would be Abraham, the prophet, the first patriarch, to whom we owe all three of our major religions.

Y'know what? Fuck Abraham. Just fuck him. You want to name your religion after somebody, name it after his wives: they earned it just for putting up with his shit. He wakes up one day and says “Guess what fucktoy, the voices are telling me we're gonna call you Sarah from now on. You're not you anymore.” Talk about dissing somebody, why not call her Fido for Christ's sake? At least he didn't kill this one.

They weren't having kids so he fucked the maid. Yeah, yeah, the Bible blames it all on his wife, Gen 16 has Sarah fluffing him in between lubing up the hired help like an old 8 millimeter loop. After all, what guy ever committed adultery without his wife's help? Give me a fucking break. With these shitheads everything is some woman's fault. The fucking Fall of Mankind is some woman's fault. The Earth wobbles in its orbit because of some woman. Fuck them. Try accepting one tiny little shred of responsibility, assholes. You know who uses that excuse? Child molesters, that's who.  “I didn't want to do it, but she made me.” “She really wanted it.”  Yeah, and I really want to shove a big spiny cactus up the end of your dick, dooshbag.

  Not bad enough he fucked her, he made life as his sex slave so bad she ran away from the sonofabitch, but she came back and had the old bastard's rape-baby. The bible expects us to believe that was because an angel told her to. For fuck's sake; she's out in the desert, homeless, broke, pregnant, unmarried, where the hell was she supposed to go? Planned Parenthood of Medieval Arabia? Stonings 'R Us?  Angel my ass.

Dishonest Abe first turns up in the koran when his old man kicks his ass out for being a disrespectful little prick. Later the perv marries his half-sister, and keeps moving his ass around because he can't get along with the neighbors, like Fred Phelps but with a bigger cult. Here's a clue, dumbasses.  A guy who cuts off the end of his cock is not a spiritual leader, he's a fucking lunatic.  If doing that was too subtle a clue, it should have tipped you off when he had everybody gather around so he could do the same to all of you. You should have kicked his goddam psycho ass and thrown him in a rubber room, but no, you thought this was a good idea, you fucking idiots.  You want a role model?  There's Buddha, “Don't harm any living thing”, or Confucius, “Don't do to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you,” but you fuckwads pick this psychopath “thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee” jerkoff. What the hell's wrong with you people?

You can't expect better from a guy who pimps his wife out to the king.  So there's a fucking famine, so what? The whole rest of the world's out there, but this motherfucker takes her where he knows she'll get turned into a sex slave, to Egypt. That's international sex trafficking, scumbag. This is like Linda Lovelace's biography. Does he fight to the death to defend his wife's honor? Fuck no, motherfucker makes her pretend to be his sister so he can save his own candy ass and get rich in the process. He didn't just do it once, he made a fucking career out of it.

Let's talk about rape-baby and the kid born to suffer, shall we, Ishmael and Isaac? Outside of starting three bone-assed religions for people to kill each other over, Abraham is most famous for torturing his kid. Moslems say it was Rape-baby and Christians say it was Suffer-kid, but whichever poor bastard it was, Daddy Dearest fucking hog-tied him, slung him up on a stone altar and took a knife to his neck. Just when he knew there was no hope, the old perv got that glazed having-a-vision look in his eyes and what next just kill me now the fucker unties him and says, oh never mind.  Guaranteed this kid grows up with screaming-at-midnight PTSD to match anything on the back ward of the veteran's hospital.  Outside of shit-smearing crazy religion freaks this is called a mock execution.  You know, like with the North Koreans, and the Iranians, and the CIA? It wasn't Mary Fucking Poppins that banned that, it was the goddam Geneva Convention, because it fucks people up for life.

Did I mention how the chickenshit weasels out of responsibility like sperm out of a leaky condom?  The koran has him politely ask first, and the kid says, oh sure pop, go ahead and kill me. Jesus Dick-sucking Christ, how can people be stupid enough to believe this shit and still wipe their own ass? If they do—who the fuck knows?  They use that same chickenshit excuse with Hagar: Oh sure, Mr Bigdick Prophet, just leave us out here to die of thirst, we won't mind.   People don't just accept his lame-ass excuses, they make him into a fucking hero. To them, his shit not only doesn't stink, it wafts up in pleasing fragrances that condense into delicate chocolate truffles. For fuck's sake, the koran calls this cocksucker an excellent example. Why not make a hero out of Josef Mengele? Make Jeffrey Dahmer a goddamn prophet. These people shouldn't be honored, they should be kicked in the balls. With two thirds of the human race on their knees like groupies to suck off this walking turd, it's no surprise the world's going to hell.  Fuck all three of his shitty religions, and fuck Abraham.