Tentacle Sex

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Whatever it was, the people in Sodom got you beat.

^29:28 And (remember) Lot: behold, he said to his people: "Ye do commit lewdness, such as no people in Creation (ever) committed before you.

REALLY? Lewder than any Lewd in the whole history of Lewdity? That's some serious kink. What could he be talking about? Cephalerotica?

Naw, that's old. Car sex? No cars back then. Camel sex? Too dangerous! Furring? Phagophilia? If it's worse than what's on the internet I don't even want to know about it.

Back in chapter 7 he said the same exact line, and he followed it up with this

^7:81 "For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women :

So,whatever it is, it's ok to do it with women. ?/? OMFG don't tell me Mohammed fell for that silly old Sodom myth, talk about helping the poor makes people gay like a Teletubby, just like gay marriage forces good Americans to have Sex With Ducks. That story's all up in the Bible, and it doesn't say a damn thing about gay sex, anywhere. Besides, you think cave people never watched penguins, or buffalo, or those perverted bonobos, committing lewdness? The people in Sodom weren't the first gays by a long shot. Whatever it was they did, you'd think god would tell us, y'know, just so we could avoid fire and brimstone ruining the ambiance right when we have a hot scene going.

Maybe Mohammed's idea of lewdness is just not believing:

^29:32 He said: "But there is Lut there." They said: "Well do we know who is there : we will certainly save him and his following,- except his wife: she is of those who lag behind!"

Ooooh, I thought this might be a clue to the Lewdest Lewdness, but when I looked up “lagging” it just means she wasn't a believer. It repeats this in line 33, she didn't believe so she got toasted with all the other lewd kinky people. Makes more sense than the bible version where she got turned into salt (?!) just for looking backwards. Maybe 'lagging behind' is some kind of creepy sex thing.

Line 40, allah's calling himself “we” again, bragging about fucking people up with tornadoes, showers of stones, mighty blasts, swallowed up by the earth, drowned, but hey...

^29:40 It was not Allah Who injured (or oppressed) them:" They injured (and oppressed) their own souls.

Ah, yes, “Look what you made me do”, the abusers' ubiquitous catchphrase once again.

^29:41 The parable of those who take protectors other than Allah is that of the spider, who builds (to itself) a house; but truly the flimsiest of houses is the spider's house;- if they but knew.

Spider webs are stronger and lighter than steel, more elastic than nylon, and more difficult to break than rubber, immune to fungus or bacteria. There are lots of different kinds and spiders use them for everything from building houses to having sex. I dunno if that's lewdness, but it's funny god wouldn't know this stuff. Whoever allah is, “He” seems to be a typical size queen, thinks bigger is better. Spiders like him would be trying to show up the next guy, building webs the size of the Superdome.

^29:46 And dispute ye not with the People of the Book, except with means better (than mere disputation), unless it be with those of them who inflict wrong (and injury): but say, "We believe in the revelation which has come down to us and in that which came down to you; Our Allah and your Allah is one; and it is to Him we bow (in Islam)."
^29:47 And thus (it is) that We have sent down the Book to thee. So the People of the Book believe therein, as also do some of these (pagan Arabs): and none but Unbelievers reject our signs.

Let's see, don't dispute, except, unless, ... and pagans believe in the bible. I don't know what the hell this means. Sounds a little ominous, though.

^29:48 And thou wast not (able) to recite a Book before this (Book came), nor art thou (able) to transcribe it with thy right hand: In that case, indeed, would the talkers of vanities have doubted.

God talking to Mo, saying he is illiterate. Or left handed. hmmm. Other translations say “you read no book, nor did you write one with your own hand before this”. So this seems to settle the issue of whether Mo could read and write. Who could ask for better proof than this? It's Mohammed telling us that God told Mohammed he was illiterate. I still can't make up my mind about this.

And that's chapter 29.

You Will Win or Lose

Chapter 30 took me on an interesting journey. It talked about the Romans ...

² The Roman Empire has been defeated ³ In a land close by; but they, after this defeat of theirs, will soon be victorious-⁴ Within a few years.

… by Mohammed's time the Roman Empire was ancient history so I marked that with a WTF, but I found out they were talking about the Eastern Roman Empire, what I called the Byzantine. Oh. Silly me. But wait, the Byzantine Empire was falling apart too. They lost most of Italy to the Lombards in 568, the Arabs got the Levant in 634, the Persians had Egypt by 641 & Carthage by 697.... Those 'Romans' didn't make a comeback until the 840s, some 200 years after Mo died. So WTF again.

Well, come to find out the Noble Qur'an makes a prophecy here, y'unnerstand, and it came true, y'unnerstand, that the Romans would win one. See the Emperor Heraclius counter-attacked the Persians in 623, went up through Armenia and Azerbaijan, right up to the Persian's capital in 628, when they tossed out their king and made peace. Heraclius burned them polytheistic fire worshipping infidel's main temple at Clorumia, in 624, the same year as the Battle of Badr. “After this no one could have any doubt about the truth of the prophecy of the Quran,” so there, beeyitches, sez Maududi.

But, I got trouble ... There's big hissy spitty arguments over how many a “a few” years is. I happen to know the answer to this one, because I used to work with Bubba, and he told me.

Get this though—Maududi sez “it can be said with absolute certainty that this Surah was sent down in” 615. LOL!!! absolute certainty!!!! About the koran!!!1!!1!!!elebenty!!1! 615—WTF? He says they were overpowered by the Persians in 615: He's right—and every year before and after that for a couple of hundred, so why pick on that one ? If it was 615 that'd mean he only got two revelations in the next six years. Pigwash. It's a Late Meccan Sura. Late Meccan Suras date 620-622, just before the big move to Medina. There's 25 of them over a space of two years and it's the third to last one so that makes it late 621 at the earliest.

That's right when Heraclius sent his army to outflank the Persians. Seems reasonable to me that when 50,000 Roman soldiers go trompling across Asia Minor the Arabs would notice. Mohammed was no slouch when it came to military strategy, so when he saw them coming and predicted they would win, it's not much of a surprise. Hell, I predicted the US invasion of Iraq would be a clusterfuck; it doesn't make me a prophet.

But the koran did make an accurate prediction, right? Seems like it, till I remembered that Uthman's first official copy was made in 647, back when written Arabic had no diacritics. Until the 11^th century there was no way to indicate vowels, or even tell a lot of the consonants apart, like B, T, N, or Y. It was all oral tradition, or like they say in court, hearsay; a big game of telephone.

Why's that matter? Well because among other things the difference between active and passive in Arabic depends on the vowels, so it means you can't tell “they defeated” from “they were defeated”. It means there were two ways to read these verses: The Byzantine / Romans either

(a) have conquered ... and they shall be defeated .

--or they--

(b) have been defeated … and …. they ... will soon be victorious

That's right, it says the Romans either won or lost, and predicted they would either win or lose. WOOT! Prophetical! A century or three after the prediction, they had to decide which it was, and put in the right dots. That's not exactly impressive. For a while there I thought I'd finally found something worth writing about, but it turned out to be nothing. Ignore this post.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

What can I say about Chapter 69? I could say “You already said that”. In fact, I did, for pretty much every verse. It's just one Korancronym after another: judgment days a-coming, bad people go to hell, good people get fruit. The only thing I highlighted was that in hell they drag around a chain 70 cubits long (v32) and only eat “corruption from the washing of wounds”(v36). Lovely.

I'm not making a blog post out of that! I just skipped on to Chapter 70. Nuthin' here either. It only plugs slavery again, v29-30 repeats that exact line from ch23. Screw that, go to Chapter 78, still nuthin', JAC, NAM, YAGTH, GWFYU, ... Jesus, Mo, say something new! ... Chapter 82, JAC, YAGH, JAC ... it says there's an angel writing everything down, wait, it's already said that too. Skip it, although the first few verses do seem kinda poetic, telling about the last day. There's a little more of that in Chapter 84, too, and then he gets all frustrated and asks

²⁰ What then is the matter with them, that they believe not?-
²¹ And when the Qur'an is read to them, they fall not prostrate,

Damn, I can't imagine, there must be SOMEthing wrong with people that don't fall for Nuclear Babies or Penises. Old Mo just can't figure it out. Hey, maybe it's because you're just a LOUSY SALESMAN. You couldn't convince anybody in the first place and for the last half dozen verses you just keep repeating the same old pitch that hasn't worked. What'd Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Maybe they're just SANE.

On the bright side, if this keeps up I'll be done with the whole book in a week.

Star Worship

Chapter 67 is only 30 verses and there is absolutely nothing new in it that hasn't been beaten to death, skinned, filleted, barbecued, eaten and shit out. I did find out one new thing though;

⁵ And we have, (from of old), adorned the lowest heaven with Lamps, and We have made such (Lamps) (as) missiles to drive away the Evil Ones,

This is about meteors. Mohammed claimed the shooting stars drive demons away, so that means the pagan soothsayers can't send them up to heaven to find shit out like they said they did.

It makes sense; if you live in the desert shooting stars are pretty awesome, so people would naturally attach a lot of woo to them. But seriously, as any Mayan could tell you, they're really the cigarette butts of the Rain Gods.

A Muslim is Offended

It would be nice to hear something intelligent from a person who takes this book seriously. Occasionally a muslim leaves a nasty comment—you can't blame them—and every time I answer politely—I can be polite, believe it or not—and invite them explain their POV, but they never have the backbone to stick around; always just drive-by bitching.

This time Rose has been offended by this old post, so I'm responding in detail and hoping she will maybe answer. Maybe pigs will fly. It's a weird post to pick on since I'm sure she could find more offensive things than the two points I made in this post: that I was surprised to learn you can call Allah by any name you want, and that his ostensible revelation about it seems transparently self-serving. So here's Rose, in Blue.

Yes We Call Allah (SW) al-Rahman and al-Raheem
And Yes, We call him by any name, that we know, or that we feel it might describe his powerfulness and superiority...

Great, I got that. My post said so. So your point is ...?

My other point was that Mohammed used a name that referred to a Yemeni god, which I guessed was from habit after 40+ years of worshiping all the pagan gods, and had to be explained, therefore his revelation. Since we likely don't agree on this second point, it would have been nice if you addressed it instead of going all panties-in-a-knot on other topics. Disappointing.

This is my religion and this is what I believe in
I do not run around asking people to convert to Islam
And since you are atheist, you should not care about what other's believe in...

When others preach that I should be killed, and try to kill me, and kill my neighbors, I definitely should care what they believe in

What I suggest is that you mind your own business

THIS kind of makes it my business, wouldn't you say?

because no matter what you feel or what you say, Islam is not just any other part of everyday, Islam runs in our blood, it shapes our identity

All the more reason to try to understand it. Are you evil or just gullible? Talk to me.

I am really sorry that you read the translated work of Quran in English
That may be if you were Arabic, you can see the beauty of this beautiful holy book....

I'm hardly going to learn to read and write a very difficult foreign language just so I can find out what some religious fanatics think. First of all, whether the book is beautiful or ugly, all that matters is the message it delivers. Secondly, you're hinting at the old line that Classical Arabic is the only language sophisticated enough to convey its meaning, which is simply racist.

It is not for you to decide wether Islam is good or not?

Really? Who is it for then? Sorry, it IS for me to decide what is good for me, and for you to decide what is good for you. See Sura 109.

I would never say Christianity is good or not?

I'll save you the trouble of dragging christianity into this; it's not.

I have not tried being Christian so how can I judge?????

That's pathetic. I can't condemn terrorism until I've been a terrorist? I can't say murder is bad until I've tried murdering someone? How you can judge is pretty simple, and it's the same way you should judge anything, Islam included. (1). Read the old testament, see what christians believe; (2) Read the news, see what christians do. Google “Irish Catholic Abuse” for starters, or “inqusition” or “crusades. It'll make you feel better about your own wackos.

Do you think by reading Quran you can say that????? I dont think so.....................

Well, most of your fellow muslims disagree with you. They constantly nag me to read the koran so I can understand islam. I think by reading the koran I can understand the koran—how much that has to do with islam I'm still confused about. You could help.

Yes I call Him al-Rahman

Allah Akbar Allah Akbar

Well, good. Kiku ha ittoki no haji kikanu ha issh no haji. If you don't know what that means, just take it as a cheap insulting way to exhibit my own perceived superiority by using terms my reader won't know, instead of making an effort to communicate, and going out of my way to be offensive because after all, there is no point in lowering myself to your barbaric level by using your language instead of forcing you to use mine. Sort of a snobby, less honest 'fuck you'. To be fair though, I suppose I shouldn't gripe about people being disrespectful, lol.

Sura 52: By the Mount

Chapter 52 lapses back into swearing on the mount(ain) and the sky that those horrible pagans like so much. You can take the man out of the paganism, but you just can't take the pagan out of the man.
1-16 swears judgment day's a-comin', and sinners'll burn.
17-29 describes heaven, where ²² “We shall bestow on them, of fruit and meat,” served by ²⁴ “ Youths handsome as Pearls well-guarded” to wait on you hand and foot,
and deliver pizza with EXTRA SALAMI, baby, ...

..."and houris with big beautiful eyes”.
Slaves again. It's the koran.

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29 on disses the non-cultists with a lot of rhetorical questions like ³⁹ "Or has He only daughters and ye have sons?” Whoa, killer arguments there, wow. It sounds like nothing so much as a Chick Tract. It needs to be rewritten, maybe like this, or this.