Oh shit, Christmas! I almost forget.

It's time to repost this one.

       The Bible before Solstice

'Twas around winter solstice, alone in the house

I was reading the Bible, as quiet as a mouse.

The stories were thrown in the book without care;

contradictions abounded, mistakes everywhere.

I could not understand, or believe what it said,

its tall tales of people come back from the dead;

original sin, which was such a bum rap,

blood sacrifice, curses, and other such crap.

When deep down inside I knew something's the matter

I sprang to the web to make sense of such chatter.

Away to the Google I flew like a flash,

to try and make out heads or tails of this trash.

The search engine gave me back millions of hits;

molesters, and con men, and other such shits.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but hundreds of gods from the earliest year.

With a little old edit, the story of Horus

I knew in a moment it must be the sou-rce.

More numerous than seagulls, gods and goddesses came,

and I whistled, and marveled, and called out their name;

Osiris! Adonis! Dionysus! Mithra!

There's Attis and Ishtar! And Baldr and Krishna!

To the land of the dead! Down to hell they all went,

to the underworld, after their lives were all spent.

Like fertility symbols these gods they all die,

and then get resurrected, back up in the sky.

So back up to heaven these deities flew,

to start new religions, and Jesus did too.

Right there in the gospels, just like you would guess,

a brand new Messiah turned up in this mess.

As I willingly tried to suspend disbelief

from the pages this Jesus guy came like a thief.

He was beat all to shit, from his head to his foot,

and put onto a cross just like Horus was put;

His birth in a manger, and marked by a star,

that's a detail he stole from the Goddess Ishtar.

His magic trick changing his water to wine,

was a ripoff of Bacchus who used to brew 'shine.

He claims to have brought people back from the dead,

that's just like the other gods—what they all said.

And in some of his stories he acts like a cad:

“Hate your mother and father! Don't bury your dad!”

Sends his guys to steal donkeys, and kills farmer's pigs,

and cusses a tree out for not giving figs.

He's a crazy old preacher, who just seems kind of silly

though I had to admit that his book was a dilly,

that tried hard to steal those old stories by stealth,

and I laughed when I read it, in spite of myself.

A shift of my eyes and a twist of my head,

to the headlines, told me I had nothing to dread:

all the Pope's rules have been shown not to work,

evangelicals picket, and act like a jerk;

they cry “war on Christmas” and make silly fusses,

when we put up billboards, or signs on our buses.

But to all the fanatics I give this epistle,

away from your church people fly like a missile,

and I have to exclaim, on this solsticey night,

that millions of us, without gods, are alright.

Happy holidays, everybody!

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