5/31/11

Suspicious Acts


There's a couple of odd things in the Book of Acts. Paul revives a dead guy who fell out a 3rd story window. A viper bites him and he just shakes it off.

I'd take these stories more serious if they hadn't happened to me. Not the gory details, the process. We used to have a branch dojo in another town that I visited every week or so. Students look up to their instructor, but they see him every day, so meh. His instructor, though, who must be even better and that they only hear about, they really put up on a pedestal. It gets ridiculous.

Once, in a shopping center there, I think I told a guy to piss off. Came back two weeks later, met the manager, he brought me up to date: the story by now was, there were two guys, giving me shit, I kicked both their asses. We never knew where these rumors came from, but I had been in fights, beat up bad guys, broken huge beams, leaped tall buildings, flown, shit golden bricks for all I know. Maybe brought dead guys back to life, and shook off poison snakes, who knows? [insert Chuck Norris joke here]


So excuse me if I'm a little cynical when I hear all these same rumors about Jesus and Co.

Bury me beneath a willow


This is pretty neat.
Bios, a biodegradable mortuary urn that contains the seed of a tree. Once the urn is planted, the seed germinates and begins to grow.

I think it'd be neater if they skipped all the burning up valuable nutrients and just planted my dead body under a root ball, like we do with dead fish. Worms are happy, tree is happy, and no CO2 polluting the air. Forests are much nicer than cemeteries if you ask me, not that anybody did.

5/30/11

in memoriam


It's Memorial Day. Let's see, what do we have to remember?

I remember the Murmansk Run, the Malta Convoys, how

1 in 26 mariners serving aboard merchant ships in World WW II died in the line of duty,”
I remember how my dad was part of that, fighting to defend America, against dictatorships trying to dominate the world, invading other countries, massacring civilians, torturing prisoners,  spying on their own citizens with secret police, nighttime searches, secret prisons, concentration camps, show trials, summary executions,

 I remember Mahmudiya

I remember Nisoor Square

I remember Abu Ghraib

I remember Gitmo

I remember the Wedding Party


I remember the Trophy Photos



I remember when America was something worth fighting for.

Support  fuck the troops.

5/29/11

Words don't mean things


Words don't mean anything. Get over it.

There are two ways to look at this: an old, outdated, wrong, one, and mine. Hey, it's my blog.

(1) the Telementation Model
(the O,O,W way of looking at it)

Everyone who speaks the same language has the same words stored in their brains. They're stored as couples —{sound + meaning}— one part is the meaning and the other part is the sound

Person A speaks the sound part, it reaches the ears of person B and activates the meaning-part stored in their brain, which is exactly the same meaning-part stored in person A's brain. Communication is only a matter of picking the right words, and the only way to miscommunicate is to select the wrong word from your mental warehouse.

You should be able to see problems with this model if you've ever dated. It assumes everyone shares the same meanings for any given word. FAIL!

For example, I grew up in in the Pacific Northwest where the trees are evergreens, like Cedars, big at the bottom and taper to a point at the top. Now I live in the South, where the trees are are upside down—tiny at the bottom and big at the top. When I hear “tree” I don't think of a ball on a string, and the people I talk to don't think of a triangle.


If we can't even communicate something as simple as a tree, how do you suppose we do talking about politics, or love, or bad haircuts, not to mention “freedom” or “god”. There's gotta be a better explanation of what goes on, and there is.


(2) Constructionist model (the up-to-date, accurate one)

Words are {sound+meaning} still, but they're stored in complex, interconnected networks. When your brain hears a sound-part it activates all the things connected to it: other words, situations when where we've heard that word before, other past experiences, old songs from your childhood. Also, these connections are stronger or weaker depending on our unique personal experiences, which are different for everybody. Choosing a word involves predicting what it will evoke in the other person, and the choices will be different for every listener.

This model does not assume everyone shares the same meanings for any given word, in fact it assumes all talkees have different associations. You don't know exactly what any word will activate, you can only guess. Communication is a matter of knowing your audience, as well as select the right words, and you have to consider the context.

This model recognizes that 'absolute synonymy' does not exist. You can't just use a different word to mean the same thing, because not only do two words not mean the same thing, the same word doesn't always mean the same thing. A word means different things to different people, and even at different times with the same person. Hearing something from the Pope and hearing it from Richard Dawkins are different.

This helps explain sets of words like leave and depart, help and assist. One is Latin and the other is Anglo-Saxon. Latinate words evoke officialdom and authority, along with your particular attitudes toward those things. Anglo Saxon words are more down-to-earth, friendly and honest sounding—to most people, but you can't simply swap in the Anglo-Saxon equivalents of excrement, urinate, intercourse, or vagina whenever you feel like it.

They may 'mean the same thing', but they activate very different mental connections, and the associations they evoke are entirely different.

As you can see, the Constructionist model of language, besides being up to date and scientifically accurate, is more people-oriented, allowing for human variation, and suits the language to the person rather than demanding the person adapt to the language.

Summary
In the telementation model, words “mean” things. And we choose the right word to satisfy some mathematical algorithm.
telementation → select the word you use to evoke a thought

In the constructionist model, words “evoke” things, and we choose the right word to satisfy our conversation partner.
constructionist→ guess what word others will use to evoke a thought
--------------------------------------
Words don't mean, they evoke.

Language Acquisition


The straps on the car seat were designed by NASA to prevent fiery crashes with interstellar objects, and no matter that it takes ten minutes of struggle to get the kid in, so I mutter under my breath.

“God Almighty!”

“God aw-maiddy?” echoes back a cute little 2yo accent.

“uhh, yeah”. Distractedly, as I fumbled with straps, my mind racing. I live with fundamentalists, and just last week it was pointed out the kid is at the age where he's starting to repeat everything he hears—with a VERY INTENT LOOK in my direction. So I'm thinking, 'oh shit, now I've done it'. Sure enough, things didn't end there.

“Who's god?”

Oh shit, my 'distracted' ploy didn't work at all.

“He's an imaginary guy, we blame things on him.”
 Sophisticated theology, ai haz it. It worked, though, his next remark was about the seat straps. Cat ass trophy avoided, for now.

Trees are bad


Is this a great country or what? Other countries put people like this is padded rooms, here we put them in congress , like this.



In other news,



5/28/11

the Book of Non-Acts


It's MILLER TIME! I finished the Book of Acts. I don't see why it's in there really, it's a travelog, it goes like this


The same thing happens at each stop: Paul tells about the new cult, the Jews riot, the Romans don't wanna get involved [buncha goddam pagans trying to separate Church and State, those bastards!]. That was worth stretching out to 71 pages?

Hands of Death


I'm learning how to type. Well relearning. See there was this rock in my yard. I don't need big rocks in my yard, but I do need little rocks in my driveway. So I got my rocks off the yard and put them in the driveway, and ATTACKED THEM WITH A HAMMER. What I learned = don't mess with quartz.

This boulder took it personal and defended itself, it split and leapt straight for my knuckles. [Trivia fact: the sharp edges of split rocks are among the sharpest objects known.] Should have had about three stitches, but you know---USA, heath care, meh. It took forever to heal, and I still cannot make an F--my middle finger will only get up to about 45 degrees. (I can still flip people off though, so it's all good)
The letter F
While that was healing I cut off the pad of my left index finger. My razor knife slipped off at an angle that just fit under the fingernail, reached about halfway across and sliced off just shy of an inch. What I learned = there are at least three arteries in there. Also, nothing about knife safety. Try to type when you can't lift your right fingers and your left ones are in a big splint. Hilarity!
(On the plus side, this has done wonders for my guitar playing. If you have trouble using your pinky you could try this)

THEN, Jekyl attempted murder. See here for her training by the CIA. 


Update, I did go to a doctor for that. What I learned = GO! cats are rattlesnakes with fur.

Things are more or less healed now, my fingertip has regrown to where I can stand to touch the keyboard (pressing on a guitar string, just the thought AAAGHGGH), but every other word has a K in it. Thank god for spellcheck. Well not God god, but the Geeky Old Designers who made it. Why is all this shit happening to me?  The blasphemy, d'ya spoze?

5/27/11

Massachusetts Sex Ban


There's a shit smearing loon in MA trying to pass a law to prevent married people from screwing.

In this video you can watch Thom Hartman being Waaaaay too easy on the whackjob.


The guy (a town selectman no less)'s as articulate as a cabbage, but if you sort through his drivel it comes out as
"Wahh! / my ex got a new boyfriend / sluts(female) must be punished!"
The people in Mass. could spend their time a lot better by figuring out a law to keep fuckwits out of  local government.

5/26/11

Quaking Logic


Even without the Get out of Hell Free pass, Acts 16:16-28 doesn't make any sense.

 16And it came to pass, as we went to prayer, a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination met us, which brought her masters much gain by soothsaying:
 17The same followed Paul and us, and cried, saying, These men are the servants of the most high God, which shew unto us the way of salvation.

Bitchin! It's a marketer's dream, a respected third party running around giving you word of mouth advertising, for free. Paul must've been happy as a fly in cow poop.

 18And this did she many days. But Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour.

WTF? Kind of like when ... sorry, no, I can't think of an example of anybody going public to counter good press.
"No, she's lying, we're really servants of the devil; but the spirit left in the name of Christ, so it was evil; only, if it was evil, why would it be giving them props? But if it was good, why would we who what the fuck? I googled this and tried to get an explanation from Christians and found out that hey wombats.

Pssst; it's bullshit





It's the bible, yo.










 19And when her masters saw that the hope of their gains was gone, they caught Paul and Silas, and drew them into the marketplace unto the rulers,

"Shit, no more fortune telling. There goes our meal ticket. Bust those fuckers for something." I see nothing has changed in 2000 years.

 22And the multitude rose up together against them: and the magistrates rent off their clothes, and commanded to beat them.

That last sentence is ambiguous, and disturbing.

 23And when they had laid many stripes upon them, they cast them into prison, charging the jailor to keep them safely:
 24Who, having received such a charge, thrust them into the inner prison, and made their feet fast in the stocks.

They're in stocks; remember that for later.


 26And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's chains were loosed.

Ok, hold it. An earthquake that opens doors? Look at pictures of earthquake damage, you won't see doors swinging gently open on their hinges. and CHAINS? I'm trying hard to imagine one that breaks all the prisoners IRON SHACKLES without making prisoner slurpee. Nope, can't do it.

Besides,  they weren't in chains, they were in stocks, remember?


 27And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.
 28But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here. This story is too ridiculous to take serious.

Well yeah I edited that last part. Who can blame me?

5/22/11

Get Out of Hell Free Card


What a great loophole!
Acts 16:30-31, Paul's talking, they ask him

“what must I do to be saved?”
“Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”

Why don't they ever mention this? Here I thought I had to believe. Come to find out, all it takes is one member of the household. Got a crazy relative living with you? You're covered. Hell, you could rent out a room in the garage, that's part of your household, right? Salvation--easy peasy.

5/21/11

Bound to blaspheme

(apologies to George Thorogood)

On the day I was raptured
Angels all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the soul they had found
Saint Peter spoke up
Said "this one's not what it seems"
He could tell right away
I was bound to blaspheme

Bound to blaspheme
Bound to blaspheme
B-B-B-B-Bound
B-B-B-B-Bound
B-B-B-B-Bound
Bound to blaspheme

I cursed a thousand gods
I curse this one too
I'll curse a thousand more, baby
Before I am through
I wanna be secular baby
not believe in a dream
I'm here to tell ya honey
That I'm bound to blaspheme

(ch-ch-ch-ch-chorus)

I make a Baptist cuss
I'll make a Catholic screw
I'll make a Jew go astray
And a Protestant too
I'll be an atheist baby
Y'know I'm just what I seem
I'm here to tell ya honey
That I'm bound to blaspheme
B-B-B-B-Bound
B-B-B-B-Bound
B-B-B-B-Bound
Bound to blaspheme

And when I walk the streets
Nuns and Priests step aside
Every preacher I meet
They all seem horrified
I wanna tell ya pretty baby
ain't got nuthin to redeem
I'm here to tell ya honey
that I'm bound to blaspheme

(ch-ch-ch-ch-chorus)

5/19/11

Amazing New Medical Breakthrough


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Ingredients

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Have a Donut


Well that explains it.

It's National Police Week.

I couldn't understand how any judge could possibly make a ruling like this, (or this), but now I see. What better present for our boys in blue than a free pass to break into anyone's home, at any time, for any reason, so they can do shit like this.
(My favorite is keeping the medics out for over an hour while waiting for the guy you shot 60 times to die, but you might prefer keeping the homeowner out of their own house for three days while you look for your gun that you lost in there.)


It won't be long, we're training up congressmen who torture people right now, over in Afghanistan, so pretty soon cops'll get to do all the stuff the CIA gets to do. Until then the least we can do for Officer Friendly Bubbles is get that nasty old Fourth Amendment out of his way.

5/18/11

the 4 Commandments, Uncut


I always wondered about this. Acts 15. Paul and his d00ds are plaguing the country with their preaching, some other d00ds are plaguing too, about Pharisee-ism, whatever the fuck that is, and they throw down:
“You'll go to hell if you're uncut.”
The thing is, how did they know? Did they go around in those days with their wangs flopping out? Sneaking around the urinals checking out guys junk seems like is, is a bad idea anyway, but especially they all carry swords and would just love to SMITE YOUR ASS.
Maybe it was their greeting ritual, “Pleased to meet you, may I see your cock, sir?
I can't come up with a scenario where they'd ever know if their preacher was uncut or not.

Oh shit! The church they were starting was the CATHOLIC church. Never mind.

Anyway, chapter fifteen is basically a cat fight over if god likes helmets or anteaters. You laugh at the Tea Party's birth certificates and shit, at least they haven't demanded to see Obama's dick. Yet.
How about that old Joe Wilson, yelling “You lie” at the President, that frost your balls? Be glad he wasn't any Pharisee, because those guys will Fuck Up Your Shit, and this one stands up in the middle of Paul's speech and he doesn't yell “You lie he yells “You gotta cut off the end of your dick!”
Holy shitballs, that's serious heckling, coz they would have done it right there, too.

Peter wimps out though, says it's "more than he can bear", the fucken pussy, and there's more hissing and spitting till this guy James whoever he is, pulls scripture on them. See how righteous these d00ds are, they were quoting the bible before there even was a fucking bible. So this James clownbag rattles off a passage that doesn't have balls to do with helmets or anteaters or the price of mangoes, and says “therefore”.

Check your logic at the door when they say this, I think it meant something different in those days, maybe something more like “oh shit I just thought of something else”. Anyway, after he says it he says they shouldn't make things tough on the new recruits. Then after that he went on to a great career in marketing, but first he said they should just write them a letter.

So they did that, and THAT IS NOT ALL. They also sent two guys along “to confirm by word of mouth what we are writing”, which makes you wonder why they bothered writing it at all, but here's what it said.
You only gotta do these four things” and they list them. So all that crap about the Ten Commandments, you can use them to light your charcoal briquettes because here's Saul Paul the Original First Dude of Christianity, shitcanning them and writing down these four.


I put a note on there about snipping the weinies. Just to be clear, cuz they're so big on that.
(Yeah it's messy but there was a twenty pound cat parking her fat ass on my hand. You wanna come over here and tell her she can't lay there? Her ancestors were sabre tooths, y'know.)

Kike Sluts


Slutwalk is SUCH a great idea, and so many people totally MISS THE FUCKING POINT, that I started wondering just exactly what do they mean by slut. It's not a word I use, although it's in my vocabulary, but these people seem to be speaking some other language, maybe Misogynese.

Slut: a female human, who (2) wears revealing clothes (3) sleeps around

Now in my language, that isn't any kind of slur, because even if it was my business which it isn't, there's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things, so it just means, what? A woman? It kind of makes no sense, like calling someone a hominid. It's like Lindsay said:

If someone calls you a slut, there's nothing you can say to refute the claim because it never had any cognitive content anyway. 
But there's another thing about that word slut, only certain people use it. It's like another word that I never use but I know what it means, kike. I may have never used it, but when I hear it I know two things: one, it refers to someone Jewish, and two, the person talking is an asshole.

In the same way, slut indicates a referent that is {female; being referred to by a douchebag}. It's just like like the English word woman, but with a little label attached to it saying

I have the right to decide how other people can behave, and I don't like this.

Or maybe just

I'm a bigot.


It's just the Assholian word for woman. When you hear it, say, “Sorry, Ich spreche kein Douche“

5/17/11

Is this in poor taste?


Way back when I was reading John's yukky old Gospel I made this graphic to go with it, but ...
... then I deleted it, coz it seemed too much like a rape joke.  Good decision?  I kinda think so.  How about you?

Acts of Ill Logic


Acts 13:32-41

OK, so here's Paul traipsing around the countryside bothering people preaching about some old dead guy Jesus. Verses 16-32 are a history lesson I won't inflict on you, then he goes all fundegelical and tells them the GOOD NEWS. I know you're just wet to hear what the good news is so I'll tell you.
It's that God made good on his promise. And now you're all dripping to hear what God promised, but you'll have to take a cold shower while I figure out what the fuck it was, because Paul is the Bubonic Plague of public speaking.

He tells them God promised to raise up Jesus. How, you ask? He said,
You are my son; today I have become your father”,
that's how.
You could huff Jenkem till you ran out of shit and still not make sense of that. It doesn't mention Jesus at all, and the second psalm is just a prayer so that 'son' in there is just whoever's dumb enough to be saying that prayer, and if anybody says that shit to you the only safe thing to do is kick them in the nuts and run really fast.

But then Paul tells them Jesus'll never decay, which has zilch to do with anything, it's like some weird kind of Tourette's where he just blurts out random sentences. Next he forgets everything he just said and tells them God's all set to give them what he promised to David
WHAT THE HELL WAS THE PROMISE THIS TIME? AND WHY DO YOU KEEP CHANGING THE SUBJECT?
and that David's corpse rotted, coz I guess they didn't know that, and no smart Alec in the audience piped up and yelled
“THAT'S what he promised David—that his body'd decay?”
I'd've done, because that's how much of a fuck I don't give about that third rate promise.

I  gave just enough fuck to read the footnote and look up Isaiah 55:3, and find out it's offering a drink to the thirsty, so it isn't a promise to David at all unless he was all hard up for brewskis in between ruling half the known world, which ain't likely. He had wenches bringing him Mai-Tais in their navels, that boy.

Then Paul gets caught in a time warp and goes back to how Jesus didn't rot. It's a pretty unhealthy obsession with decaying corpses if you ask me but somehow it all ties together and we know this because he says “therefore”. When you say therefore, it means there's a connection between what you said before, and what you say next, so we have

God promised X by saying Y about smelly festering carrion
Therefore
Jesus forgives your sins


Pass the Jenkem Jug, this ain't making sense yet. But he goes on to say how Moses's old laws suck but don't matter anymore because I dunno, sins are like the CIA and keep you locked up in chains, and something unlocks them by going through Jesus, he has a tube stuck through him or something but still it must hurt like a motherfucker.

IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Threats, threats is what we need. Well, preachers do, so Paul warns he's gonna do something you wouldn't believe.
"OOH, juicy," I hear you say, "here comes the smiting and slaying and we're all on the edge of our seats for the bloodshed and car chases and we're all like “Bring it, preacher!  Let's fucken GIT IT ON!”, and then

42 As Paul and Barnabas were leaving the synagogue, the people invited them to speak further about these things on the next Sabbath.
WHAT?thefuck? Get that? Yeah, I bet they invited. They said shit like,  
"Whaddaya gonna do, preacherman? Make sense, fucker.”
What a letdown. Also, I've popped zits that were better at logic than this guy, and he's the one who founded the whole christ-cult?!

You can't build on a foundation of sand, but you sure can on a foundation of bullshit.

5/16/11

FAT, OMG, FAT!


[Originally posted on 05/12/11 8:23 AM, before Blogger went darkside and tried to abduct everybody's posts. But with the help of Awesome Joe at Preliator Pro Causa, I got it back, bwahahaha]

Every day, the sun comes up, the catholic church gets upset about some thing. And every day it's always the wrong thing. Here's another case where the RCC goes deer hunting and bags a mess of carp. Another Italian advert is taking the piss out of religion, but this time

"It's a sordid concept and incredibly insulting,"

sez the Catholic Bishops Conference and fuck me if they aren't right. As to the REASON it's insulting though, they haven't got a clue. They're upset because

"The reference to Christ is explicit and deeply offensive to religious sentiment,"

sez the Catlicks. Yeah, see here's Christ, and ZOMG he might have to FUCK A FAT CHICK! The Horror! The Horror!
Insulting a guy who's been dead for 2,000 years if he ever existed at all? HORROR! OUTRAGE!
Insulting millions of actual living people, with feelings? Doesn't even occur to them to notice.

Here's the stupidisgusting ad; see if you can find anything offensive



Blinded by the fight ...


OK, next up, Acts 13:6-11

The Paul formerly known as Saul takes a Mediterranean cruise to Cyprus.

Blue Grotto, Capri. Where Paul should have gone.

The proconsul there is an intelligent man. It tells us that, but I've got my doubts because not only does the guy wanna hear Paul preach (lose 9 intelligence points right there), the guy has a sorcerer working for him. How intelligent is that?

Paul and Magic Man go eyeball to eyeball, and Paul lets loose his Blind Effect

“You are going to be blind for a time, not even able to see the light of the sun.”
and they have to lead his opponent off by the hand. Whoa, these guys play rough! Immediately I'm itching to know, how long is 'a time'? Like an hour or so? Or till judgment day, what? They never say, except the Greek sometimes gets translated as 'a season', so .. maybe 3-4 months?

I googled all the christian sites on the internet and not one of them gives flying fuck if this guy ever got his sight back. It shows the power and glory of the Lord, y'see, and that's all that matters. Me, I wanna know, it doesn't quite mesh with that whole 'God is love' message, if you catch my drift. They do say how it ends.

12 When the proconsul saw what had happened, he believed, for he was amazed at the teaching about the Lord.
I'd be amazed too, even if I do know about conversion disorders, but what 'teaching'? Blinding some guy is teaching? Maybe, teaching the proconsul he better not fuck with this new guy if he wants to stay in one piece. Ah, the power of rational argument.
The Blinding of Elymas, 1516, with extra blasphemy

Hey, let's all cut our dicks off!


There is something really wrong with the Philippines.
A boy suffers ritual mutilation in the Philippines

Why do they do these things?

Guinness wants nothing to do with this, and for good reasons, 440 of them.

5/12/11

Florida Bans Sex With Deaf People


Florida passes a law banning bestiality. Or something. Hilarity ensues.

The new law is now
prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal;
 Southern Fried Science points out what should be obvious,


but wait, they've got it covered. They define animal, here in 828.27 1a:

“Animal” means any living dumb creature

This could be a problems for lots of Floridians, since it never defines dumb. Webster's does:
: lacking the human power of speech; dumb animals;
: lacking intelligence : stupid

So, parrots are still a gray area, but no sex with deaf people, or Florida Legislators.

5/11/11

Invisible Porn


Rabbi Rami has the right idea about those idiot woman-erasers.

"According to Der Tzitung, printing photographs of women is contrary to Jewish laws of modesty. While Muslim men prefer not to see real women, Jews worry about seeing virtual women. Which leads to a wonderful business opportunity: Orthodox porn.

If I can get the backing, I plan to publish maideleh (Yiddish for young woman), a glossy magazine featuring naked Jewish women. Not being allowed to publish photos of said women, however, means I wouldn't have to hire either models or photographers. And the more women I featured, the more blank pages I could publish, keeping printing costs to a bare minimum (pun intended). Jewish guys would just have to imagine the naked women I’m not actually photographing or printing. Hey these are God's laws, not mine."

Whole thing is here.

5/10/11

Herod is not God


So the Bible, yeah, I'm spozed to be reading this thing. I finally got myself to look at it some more. It's just as silly as it ever was. ACTS 12 is where I had the pages folded over, so

21 On the appointed day Herod, wearing his royal robes, sat on his throne and delivered a public address to the people. 22 They shouted, “This is the voice of a god, not of a mere mortal.”

So far so good, Harold gives speech, he's all eloquent. He's totes good at it, people say he's a God, like M.L.K. or Eric Clapton.  Then it gets confusing

23 Immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died.

Some angel pops up and lays into... mmm, the people, for breaking the first commandment, nooo, Herod ??? Is this another "somebody else died for your sins" affair? ... but look at why he struck him:  it wasn't that they called him a false god, so Clapton is safe, it was that Herod didn't praise God. When, in his speech? After they accused him? Or just in general?  This seems like a good thing to know.

The ending is really weird. First, he was struck down by an angel, then worms ate him, and then he died.? That is one tough sunnuvabitch. If worms ate me I'd die too, but what's with the wimpy angel? What'd he strike him down with, a left hook? I'd expect angels to have like +12 Smiting, at least, so when they struck you down, buddy you stayed down. Then it would go: smite, die, then worms.

That would make sense, but that's not what the Bible says.

Director Pipsqueak


By now everyone has seen this story and tossed their cookies over how the Jewish Fanatics photoshopped
the picture, by taking out the two women to make it look like this (Fuck you, Hasidic Jews):
Blag Hag covers that, but what I wanna know is, Who is that little pipsqueak half out the door, trying to peer in over the shoulders of all the big important White, Old , Rich, Males that are blocking her view?  Some staffer, maybe, sneaking a peek at the big important doings after dropping off fresh coffee?

NO.

The White House identifies her as "Audrey Tomason Director for Counterterrorism".  Who the whatfuck?   Daily Beast is asking what that means too, but nobody knows. Here's the biggest counterterrorism op since God kicked the snake out of Eden, this person is the "Director", and just to get a look at what's going on she has to squeeze her head around another guy in the back row who's peeking over the shoulder of some other guy in the no seats overflow crowd, ?  She's the Director?

Maybe they just hand out fancy titles that don't mean anything.
Maybe they treat all their woman employees this way.
Maybe they misidentified the only other woman.
Maybe the white house is full of shit.



 



ps.  Dependable Renegade fixed the picture
Correction:
artwork via twolf, hat tip Dependable Renegade

Look at that Slutty Whore!


Can Aaron Schock be so naive? Frankly, I'm offended and a little disappointed that he'd pose in such provocative positions while wearing such an outfit. What constituency is he targeting here? Plus, his thighs look a little thick.

Only un-evolved Neanderthals find him attractive. He looks and acts like a $20 coke-head hooker on a Seattle street.


The photograph is somewhat provocative, maybe a little undignified for a political figure, or someone who plays one on TV.

It’s not the exactly the image you want to project as a serious individual who would take on a problem in a serious fashion
 
In case your vomit bag isn’t full yet, just imagine Shcock coming on to you: 

Or, just imagine if a female politician posed like this--since these are all just gender-adjusted  quotes people have made about either Palin or Clinton when they were dressed in ordinary clothes.
hat tip: Feministe

5/8/11

Setting the record straight


the Baptism of Sam McGee

(apologies to Robert Service)


There are strange things tellt in the Bible Belt
By the men who're spoilt by God; 

There are Mission tales that will make you pale
with events so rare and odd. 

The Southern Pines have seen queer signs,
But the queerest they ever did see 

Was that night on the marge of Lake LeBarge
when they baptized Sam McGee.

Now Sam was paid by Legal Aid, in pursuit of a cause so fine;
to separate the church from the state below the Mason-Dixon line.
The thing he sought was rational thought, and it drove him like a spell
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he felt like he lived in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were working away over a state funded creche;
evangelical laws, the establishment clause, we couldn't get them to mesh.
Should we close our eyes, the creationist lies were the only thing we would see.
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

Way late in the night as the florescent light gave him a pall like a stranger,
protesters outside, from which we couldn't hide, were singing Away in a Manger,
He turned to me, and “Boss,” says he, “This will kill me, I'd guess;
if that comes true, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he said and he looked so relieved:
“It's not for me, but the progeny of a sinner who never believed.
“They'll cast out and shun both my daughter and son, whom I wish not to suffer such pains.
So I want you to swear, foul or fair, to have them baptize my mortal remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we carried on till the break of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
We borrowed a sleigh from the Santa display, and asked for a doctor to see;
But they prayed instead, and soon he was dead; just a corpse was Sam McGee.

They were all tribal, that land of the Bible, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to baptize these last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
So I loaded his stiff on a flat bottomed skiff, and set off on a watery road.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, I watched the gators round in a ring,
covet my prize with their reptile eyes—O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I sailed, though the rudder failed and the grub was getting low;
The swamps were bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.



Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a chapel there did see;
There was no one about, but I gave a shout and was met by the clan McGee.
I told them my tale, and they went a bit pale, but they took my rotting chum;
they washed him down, and gave him a gown to prepare him for bap-tis-m.

An old hulk they'd found that was lying aground, they used as a dunking pier,
but the river surged and the hulk submerged till it filled us all with fear.
The water roared and the rapids soared—such a current you seldom see;
but they opened the prow of the sinking scow, and they stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then they left him there, for they didn't care for dying to save his soul,
And the heavens scowled, and the coon dogs howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was sticky hot, but the cold sweat shot down my cheeks, and it chilled my blood;
As the muddy tide in its wild ride went streaking down the flood.

All through that day the torrent held sway while I wrestled with grisly fear;
And the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
He must be gone, I'll just look in on him”, the hatch I opened wide.


And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of a school of shad,
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “This isn't bad;
they're nibbling away but I have to say I'm feeling pretty swell;
the first peace I've felt in this Bible Belt; no one's threatening me with Hell.”


There are strange things tellt in the Bible Belt
By the men who're spoilt by God; 

There are Mission tales that will make you pale
with events so rare and odd. 

The Southern Pines have seen queer signs,
But the queerest they ever did see 

Was that night on the marge of Lake LeBarge
when they baptized Sam McGee.

Evil Pagan Socialists Wish You a Happy Mother's Day


On this Mother's Day, May 8, 2011 ...

Bolivia is busy passing the Law of Mother Earth, saying that our Planet is as important as people and recognizes its rights to:
  1. To Life
  2. To the diversity of life
  3. To Water
  4. To Clean Air
  5. To Balance
  6. To Restoration
  7. To live Free of Contamination
and establishes the position of Ombudsman of Mother Earth to protect them. You can see the whole thing here.



Ecuador has already recognized the obvious in 2008, as part its Constitution no less.

"Nature or Pachamama, where life is reproduced and exists, has the right to exist, persist, maintain itself and regenerate its own vital cycles, structure, functions, and its evolutionary processes. Any person, people, community, or nationality, may demand the observance of the rights of the natural environment before public bodies."


In 2009 all 192 member states of the U.N. General Assembly passed a UN Resolution proclaiming International Mother Earth Day.

 In 2011 Evo has the U.N. at least talking about it again, giving rights to our Mother.


Meanwhile, here in the USA, you and your Mother can go get fucked, by multinational corporations, who are the only ones who have any rights. 

South America is the future, if there is one. Good Luck, Mom.

5/7/11

Vicious killer barely survives rescue


Dog bred to kill saveschi
Hero pit bull  risks life to
Fire nearly claims lives of
Oh, fuck it, just read the story below.

Alerts family to burning building, runs into fire, saves lives of children, damn near gets burned to death--jeez, what's a guy gotta do to rent an apartment these days?

Sluts are Spreading


From CBC News

Today, May 7th, there will be one in BOSTON, MA.

and another in ROCHESTER, NY.

If you're not in one of those places there will be MORE COMING



*ps "A great sign of linguistic intelligence is in the use the puns."  So there.

****************************************

UPDATE: Boston SW was a big sucess. Holly reports.

5/6/11

Heartless Man Ignores Dog's Pleas




Perve Poll


There's this:  (no, srsly, there is)



and then there's this.




Both of these are kind of like a Sybian, but, omg, shudder ..


INTERNET POLL!

which is skeevier...


Extra bonus question

Do you still hold any hope for the human species?



5/5/11

Killing Children OK?


When the Law says you can't kill people, that includes a fetus, because a fetus is a person, but when the law says four people can walk on the sidewalk, that doesn't include children, so does that mean it's OK to kill children?

Have a reasonally happy day


HAPPY

That's today, May 5th.* And Pete Stark, (the only out atheist in our govt) got up and plugged it on the floor of the House (R-corporations). That took some guts!  Go, Pete Stark.

Mr. Speaker, I rise today to recognize Thursday, May 5, 2011 as the 2011 National Day of Reason.
The National Day of Reason, observed by millions of people in this country and around the world since 2003,...
Oh just go read the whole thing.


*It's also the National day of prayer, but who cares?

Profits Are Unpaid Wages










5/4/11

Locks of Love



So OK hair.



It's been over five years since my last  {*even after all these years i feel like i should say "bless me father..." here}my last haircut .  My ponytail was over ten inches long, so that meant I got to donate it to



to help kids.  They do good work, so check them out.

In the mail they sent me the neatest little Certificate of Donation: I think I'll  this one more than all the official ones from colleges and stuff. 
*****************************************************

Update: I may have been pwned.  Nameless Cynic did the homework, here is some of what he reports (with pics even):

I'm going to keep my eye on Locks of Love, but at this point, I'm not comfortable donating to them. However, with just a little research, I found several other charities doing pretty much the same thing.

There's Wigs for Kids, which was started by a hairdresser named Jeffrey Paul

For our British friends, there's the Little Princess Trust, which is based in the United Kingdom ...
there's Zichron Menachem in Israel - in case you don't read Hebrew, here's the Wikipedia entry.

And there's Pantene Beautiful Lengths, run, in a fascinating bit of synergy, by the shampoo company of the same name. They provide free wigs to cancer survivors; ...

And here's the thing: I haven't found out anything negative about the Pantene charity.

Cat kills Blogger


So I'm giving my cat a bath. She doesn't like it. She gets a good solid grip on the middle knuckle of my right hand and starts doing the PREDATOR SHAKES PREY to KILL IT to DEATH thing. Her prey(that'd be me) finished the bath while she was distracted,and came out with a matched set of deep puncture wounds.


I didn't take it personal, coz she had a bad rash that seems to hurt a lot, and there I was, scrubbing the darn thing clean, so yeah, bites. Only now my hand is a bright red heat pad looking ham thing that HURTS LIKE HELL, and I am all sick and dizzy.

I just googled "cat bites" and apparently I will now swell up, lose my appendages, suffer immeasurably, turn into a gollum, and then die. Do you think I should go see a doctor?

Crap.

This exists





"What is it good for? Nothing."

LOL, yeah,


5/3/11

a Great Idea for a Blog


Is there anything you want to know about Islam but didn't know who to ask? Well stop wondering, cuz now you can go to Jessica's blog and aksanislamicist.  She is
"a final-year doctoral candidate in theology at the University of Oxford" and says "If you have a question about Islam, or have come across an article or a blog post that you think would be of interest to me or to other readers, please feel free to leave a comment and let us know!"
This is so great,I wish I'd've had it back when I was blogging the Koran. She really does a great job, I can vouch for that, and her blog is new so doesn't get many people asking questions yet, so go there and show her some love. 

Anything But Yes




....is NO.

hat tip to Preliator Pro Causa. It's old, but that poster from SACS just Rawks.

How to deliver sperm







It's a custom-designed cargo bike for a local sperm bank in Denmark. It says "become a sperm donor" on the side.  Somehow I can't picture this in Tulsa.