1/31/11

Cannibals for Jesus


Aww, Jesus, there's more cannibal stuff


6:41 At this the Jews there began to grumble about him because he said, “I am the bread that came down from heaven.”

A Brazilian whack

6:51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”

You can't beat the meat of a Japanese girl


52 Then the Jews began to argue sharply among themselves, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?”

53 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. 56 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. 57 Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”
So the Jews killed him and ate him.
Jesus McNuggets

LOL!, Just kidding, there's more. Verse 60 starts talking about how the disciples were all WTF?!?! and then it says

John 6:66 From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

Damn straight they did. Who wouldn't? What kind of lunatic would hang around when a guy starts spouting crazy ass shit like that? Oh right, Peter, that's who. That kind of lunatic. This kind.

Verse 666 sounds familiar from reading stories about cults (and bad S&M fantasy. not that I ever did that), and how the leaders keep the followers in line. They issue an ultimatum, make the follower have to choose to stay. “If you don't want to serve me, then leave.” Notice the first thing out of old Pete's mouth? “Lord, to whom shall we go?” A more detailed translation would be “Where the fuck can I go, now that I've given up my job and been wandering all over the country with you, and I don't have any money and oh shit I better suck up” at which point he changes his tune to “My Lord ... kissy sounds” and abuse survivors throughout the land nod their heads in recognition of its accuracy.

Real uplifting book they've got here.

1/30/11

Eat Me.


John 3:29 the bride belongs to the bridgroom

Funny how you no one cites this bible verse, innit? Yeah, let's see that one on a Tee-shirt. First I thought let's get a whole bunch of those shirts and wear them to the local Baptist crapfest. Then I pictured skeevy old men coming up and giving us high fives, and I jest EWWW, Bad Plan!

I am the bread of life. Eat me.

Lookee, here's something. Did you know that Jesus never had to eat? It's troo, it's says so in the Bible.
John 6:31-34
the cultists: “Boss, you gotta eat something.”
Jesus: “I got my own food.”
cultists: “What, you got your own stash?”
Jesus: “My food is to finish my job”


Wow, what a great job. Totes slashes the grocery bill. Even better than a gig at McDonald's. And get this, a few pages on, the apostles don't have to eat either!

6:35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

Not really sure how this works. Do the people not go hungry like the Donner Party didn't go hungry? Did they 'come to him with a fork and say, “Hey Jesus, gimme a hand?” Jesus is bread? The cow my sister raised in 4H wasn't bred, but we ate it anyway.

This here could be what the spooks call actionable intelligence. With this, could find out who all the True Christians® are, you know, those ones that would never do whatever it is putting the local pastor on the front pages. We just lock them in a room, come back in a few weeks, the ones that walk out are the ones that BULEEV, Hallelujah!

Ain't no True Christians where I live, here in the Bible Buckle. These people are gluttons.

1/29/11

Atheist's Nightmare

In my constant quest for theological insight, I stumbled over this argument for god. At first I thought there was some problem with my computer, then I just collapsed laughing.
(trigger: juvenile humor, non-PC-ness, the usual)



Damn, Youtube comments are good for something after all.

1/28/11

Big Bad Gospel John


Big John
Big John

Every morning at the church you could see him arrive,
He stood 6 foot 6, weighed 245.
Kind of broad at the shoulders, narrow at the hip.
And everybody knew you better give a big tip,
to Big John.

Big John
Big John
Gospel John
Big John

Nobody seemed to know where John called home
He just drifted into town and stayed all alone.
He didn't preach much, finished up before ten
And if you spoke in his church, you just said Amen,
to Big John.

Somebody said he came from New Orleans,
where they found him in bed with a flaming Queen,
the church's cash and some blow in his huge right hand,
and some underage kids in the back of his van.

Big John
Bad John
Gospel John
Big John

Then came the day at the printing shop,
the preachers ran out of their usual slop
Reverends were praying, writer's block held fast
and everybody thought they had wrote their last,
cept' John.

Through the gloom and despair of this man made hell,
walked a giant of a man to the mission's ink well.
Grabbed a fountain pen, put the book in his lap,
like a bout of diarrhea started making up crap,
Big John

Big John
Bad John
Gospel John
Big John

He wrote about Jesus, he wrote about sin,
miracles and sermons, he put 'em all in
And 20 men scrambled to print out the words,
that came in a rush like a horse spews out turds,
from Big John.

He spun them out of whole cloth, no regard for the truth
faster and furiouser there in his booth
till he burst a blood vessel and fell on his face
and everybody knew it was the end of the race,
for Big John.

Big John
Bad John
Gospel John
Big John

Now they never rewrote that worthless shit,
just placed a fancy cover on top of it.
a cover these words should be written on,
'In the middle of this book, wrote one Hell of a con,
Big John.

Big John
Bad John
Gospel John
Big John.


1/27/11

Two roads diverged



Way back in the dawn of time, before apes and people were even different, the ape-people looked up in the sky and saw lightning storms, bringing rain. It inspired strong emotions; awe and wonder, thankfulness and fear. The ape-people recognized this was a force much greater than them, they wanted to know what it was, they wanted to express their gratitude to it for bringing the rain, and they wanted to be protected from it. They didn't know what it was, but like they did with everything else, they gave it a name.

They called it god.

Humans name things, it's what we do. Our biology lays out the rules, and one of them is to attribute agency to things. Today we interact with abstract forces as agents, like electricity, magnetism, even artificial intelligence, and we take them for granted, but back then there were no bodiless agents to model the unseen maker of lightning. They didn't look for a cause, then, but a maker, something they could visualize in terms of their own experience.

They experienced lightning firsthand, obvious to anyone. It's up in the sky, it destroys things, and it can kill you. It's invisible. It's way more powerful than anything any human could ever be. Obviously, there is somebody up there making it happen. That much is as logical as that the sun rises and passes over the earth every day. Some people insist the sun doesn't do that, but who should you believe, them or your own lying eyes?

So what we knew, then, was that this cause of lightning, this god is: invisible, way powerful, and dangerous. Beyond that, nobody could say much, but that didn't stop them from speculating. Everybody had opinions as to why this god-guy attacked some places and not others. People looked for the pattern, what it might be that all its victims had in common, what they did to make the lightning attack them and not something else.

If they could just figure that out, they'd be safe, and there's a ready market for people who claim they can keep you safe. All you have to do is what they tell you, and then if you weren't hit by lightning it proved their system worked: Do what we say → No lightning → Profit. There were plenty of buyers. There were also plenty of sellers, all fighting over market share, offering their own descriptions of the god and telling people what to do.

That's how things stood for thousands of years. 

There were always troublemakers, though, poking around asking just how did this god cause lightning, and what was its exact nature? Eventually, after thousands of years, they figured out the answers.
This time, they not only told people what the lighting god really was, they showed them. The lightning god is invisible all right, but he's not a being, he's little particles and charges. There's not just one god, there's zillions, and this is exactly what they're like. Not only that, we can show you how to protect yourself from these gods. No sacrifices needed, just put up a lightning rod, give them a path to the ground, and they leave you alone. We can even make them do tricks for us, look: compasses, light bulbs, the telegraph. Woot!

This was a critical moment for humanity. 

Up till then, they had a description of something: a meaning, and a name, “god”.
Just like they had a description of anything else: a meaning, and a name, “food”.

If they take one road, they accept the new description, give up their old wrong ideas of what god is like, build lightning rods for god as it really is, and progress into a bright new future. That would be the more honest path.

If they take the other road, they refuse to accept the new description and burn the troublemakers at the stake. When that didn't work, they adopted a new strategy and changed their definition. Instead of saying god is "what causes lightning", what they had been saying all along, they kept the name and took away the meaning. They gave another name to the description “what causes lightning”, and made up a new description to put with the name god.

For millennia, god had been the thing that caused lightning. Now suddenly, it didn't mean that anymore. It's as if they said what you eat is not food anymore, what you eat is rocks and dirt, and food is some imaginary substance. On this road, the thing that causes lightning is now electricity and god is now something else, something there is no evidence for. And they can go forward, down the road into superstition and stagnation.

Humanity came to that fork in the road. They took the road less honest.

Big John


John 1:6 There was a man sent from God whose name was John.
Kind of broad at the shoulders, narrow at the hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to Big John.

No wait, that's Johnny Cash.

This first part, John 1-5, sounds like the Tao Te Ching, “It was god but not god.” Well a real amaturish, bad TTC, by a fifth grader. Line 14 sounds kind of Hindu, “the Word became flesh”. Of course it did, these Abraham fellators always have to personify everything. We can't be expected to grasp difficult concepts, we're sheep herders. You have to put it in terms we'll understand, like “God is the sexiest sheep in the flock, he's like really hawt! Hallelujah!” Come to think of it, they do like them that sheep metaphor.

Whoever wrote this about Big John, he's pretty flowery, writes a lot better than the first three gospels. These all tell the same story, and the best one is last, so maybe they did what I do sometimes, instead of naming my files Rough Draft 1 and Rough Draft 2, I give them names, like Abrigail, Bob, Charlie. Or Matthew, Mark and Luke. That must be what happened, why else would they tell the story four times?  Somebody should tell them to toss out those first three.

Look! Quantum effects in the Bible!

John 1:15 He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.

Wow, after me, before me, he says it again in line 30. How could John have known about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? Somewhere on the internet, I know in my heart, is some jackass claiming this is proof of a miracle. Not so much in my heart, actually, as in the pit of my stomach. Or my ass.

John 43-51 introduces us to Nathaniel. I'd never heard of the guy, maybe because he's such a gullible sap. Long story short, he's saying this Jesus character is not all that, until he meets him and----wonder of wonders----Jesus somehow knew he was under a fig tree earlier. Hallefuckinglujah, a guy a Palestine was under a fig tree. How much of a prophet you gotta be to predict that? Now a California Redwood, that would be impressive, but a fucking fig? And that's all the more woo it takes for this dickwit Nathaniel to go all lemmesuckyerdick. I swear, these guys are so easy to impress, if they lived now they'd send all their money to Nigeria and sleep under bridges.

A CAT AFORE A DOG

This gospel makes it real clear it was written way later, it keeps putting in cataphors. That's a fancy word I don't get to say much, but isn't it cute? It means flash-forwards, like he'll say “after he was raised from the dead bla bla bla”(2:22). He keeps giving away the ending.

It gives me a reason to post that picture though, so we get something more uplifting than the Bible. Yay!

1/26/11

on Abortion


Quote of the year. Posted over at Pharyngula, by commenter Ing, universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult.How cool is that name? (edited a little for spelling n stuff)
This sums up my feelings exactly, on the so-called debate over abortion. 

An Alien race comes down from earth. One of them implants in you a germospore. The embryo will grow inside your abdominal cavity, using resources you provide and eventually emerge via climbing out of the oral cavity.
They assure you, with their medical science it's most likely you will survive, however the process takes 9 months upon which your hormones will be disrupted, you will need to ingest more food (at your expense of course) refrain from drugs, coffee or other recreational activities that might effect the alien spore.
You will gain weight and have your physiology changed in ways that may be permanent, changing your appearance, and during the process even ignoring the chance of death via chest burster, the creature will tear up the inside of your esophagus and most likely rip the inner lining of your jaw as it emerges.
This damage will be painful and possibly lead to permanent complications and reduce your ability to sense/taste in your mouth.
The spore is sentient from virtually day one and is aware indirectly of what's going on around it.
Are you required to bring this being to term?

Deaf People Suck



Isn't that inspiring? Well, the picture is, but take that away and you gotta ask,

What the sideways fuck does it mean?

The next line is no help:

2 He was with God in the beginning.
Who's “he”? Is that the word, or god, or some third freak? Was god the word, or with the word? What was the word anyway, and who said it? Probably "uh-oh", and probably followed by “now you've done it”.

The beginning of what? Couldn't very well be the Universe when you've already got somebody around mumbling uh-oh.

I tried to look this up. There's two kinds of people: the kind that look at bullshit and say “That doesn't make any sense”, and the kind that look at it and say, “Here, let me elaborate with 74 pages of deeper, smellier, bullshit”. It's just a question of how many acres of farmland you can prep before you walk away.

Whatever, here's the other quote that goes with that one

Aristotle---"Those who are born deaf all become senseless and incapable of reason.”---355 BC

At university I studied sign languages see, (some of my professors were deaf) and I can't count how many times I've seen this by bull verse. It works like this. Y'see, the one thing that elevates Man above the Dumb Brutes is Speech,
“God brought the world into existence by speaking. ... Speech is what makes God a creator, and speech is what makes us human.”
Deaf people mostly don't speak, so they're not really human. So fuck 'em, right, and that hand waving thing they do? Just pictures in the air, nothing to do with Words, nothing to see here.

Well, here's my word for all those Aristotle  dickwads.  See if you can read it.

**Actually, that's an English word. Go here to see it in ASL.

1/25/11

the Bloody Koran


 File this under Shit, Weird, Seriously.
That in the picture is a copy of the koran, all 6000 verses of it, written in blood.
 

Not just any old blood, either, it's Saddam Hussein's.  He got religion at one point and spent two years bleeding 27 gallons of blood to make this thing. Too bad it didn't kill him.

Now nobody knows what to do with it. Can't desecrate a copy of the Holy Quran, doncha know.   Maybe they should give it to Terry Jones.

Terrorist Sex Abusers

Something wrong here...



Data from National Network for Child Care, who train children to be able to protect themselves.
Logo from their opponents 

Let's Safe the World


Grammatically challenged delusionists in the North part of America's Drainpipe have 999,999 billboards to go before reaching their stated goal. Head Fuckwit G. Lucas blathers

"I hope to put up a million billboards, in every town, we want to put up a billboard in every town in the United States of America,"

You have to admire their diligence in counting every town so we know the United States has exactly a million. Also their optimism, since at an average thousand bucks per useless message, this three-bit Carolina peckerwood church needs to scrounge up a billion dollars. 

What better use for a billion dollars than to make sure all the homeless starving people, as they gasp out their last breath, will be able to rest their eyes on a misspelled sign?

Grammar is a threat to us all.

Don't go to his website, I'll summarize:
Pre-born babies wrote the Declaration of Independence using God's Holy Words, Harvard hates him, and Obama leads an army of left wing radicals to be mean to the Israeli ambassadors.
(all logic provided by Fox News)


What's that John 3:16, you ask? It's that old chestnut about “God so loved the world, he put up a billboard” or something like that. Religion is Man-made takes the piss out of it rather well.

Pagan old me, I haven't noticed America sinking into the ocean yet, I think we ought to save Tuvalu first.

Kickboxers


So, a bunch of kickboxers are hanging out, and the question comes up,

“What's the one thing that makes a good fighter?”

People throw in different answers, some say a good punch, others say kicking, groundwork, this and that. Finally somebody turns to the old man sitting in the corner not saying anything.

“What do you think, coach? What makes a good fighter?”

“Patience”

“Patience?”

“That's right. A bozo moves because he thinks he has to fight back. A fighter,” he says, “handles attacks as they come, and he waits. When he moves, it's because it's the right time to move.”



This has nothing to do with the current 'War on Terror'. Of course not. Why would you ask?

1/23/11

Next up, John


Finished M&M, and Luke, next up ...

... the first page ...


It's an American Sign Language translation. The whole thing is here (pdf).

1/22/11

The Bible on Vultures


To live a good and moral life, one must know about vultures.  Apparently, cuz look Luke 18:20-37
Pharasees: “When will the Kingdom of God come?”
Jesus Saturday Night Fevers around the question like Travolta, for fifteen lines, never answers.
Disciples: “Where, Lord?”
Jesus: “Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather.”
See, these are the kinds of valuable insights you can only get from this book. Then Jesus says whole bunch more shit, and Luke 18:34
The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about.
And then it changes the subject. But it's all good, we know about the vultures.

Luke 22:36-38 He tells Petey-boy that he's not a transgressor, but the prophecies say he is, so he has to go be one, so see, the prophecies are coming true. Can't beat that logic.

How do you be a transgressor, you ask? Have a sword, is how. Don't ask me, maybe they had strict sword control laws in town, too many Jews teabagging around with violent rhetoric and whatnot.
Yeah I got a sword, you got a problem with that?

Luke seems to put in a lot of details, to add color, like when Jesus is hanging on the cross one of the other crucifixees tells him
“ Hey fucker, ain't you the fucking Christ?” (he's a criminal, that's how they talk) “Fucking save your sorry ass, and us too while yer at it. Unless yer just a fucking poser. Shit.”

Then the other crucifixee goes all sanctimonious
“Now, now, don't be mean,” I'm spozed to believe he says, “We are getting what our deeds deserve, but this man has done nothing wrong (23:41)

ROFLMAO! That's wrong. What really happens is, you ask “What're ya in for?” and they say “I was framed.” Ask any prisoner. Then the guy from Public Relations writes down something else and uses it for a reason to invade some place. In this case he resurrects the old headline “Man Rises From Dead”, and gets most of the facts right, if we believe M&M and why should we. 


-------end Luke-------

Hallelujah.


Yikes, Another Goddess


No sooner do I write a post about living goddesses I find another one, from Cracked.com of all places. This one didn't start out so happy: poverty stricken villagers in rural India, baby born with two bodies basically, conjoined at the hips and the spines fused together. No chance for a happy ending, but then two amazing things happened.

Thing One: she was named Lakshmi, after the goddess, who just happens to have four arms and legs, plus she was born during the Diwali festival, when Lakshmi comes around to bless people's homes.
As a result, the girl wound up being revered throughout India as the living incarnation of the beloved goddess.


Thing Two: a rich doctor came to her rescue and separated her “parasitic twin”--in an operation that lasted 27 hours!-- and they've been working on her ever since. Apparently it was a Godectomy, 'cuz now she's just a little girl, which seems like a good trade-off. She still has a lot of problems, but now she is the happy little kindergartner in this picture. Yay!
Lakshmi Tatma, ex-goddess

Heart warming, and amazing, details in this Daily Mail article from last year, The-little-girl-worshipped-as-a-deity-starts-school . You gotta ask,
What would Jesus do? Ignore her, that's what, and let her die a miserable death. If I was going to pick anybody to worship out of all this it'd be the surgeons who are helping her.

Checking this out I found this video of conjoined twins who both survived and just got their driver's license(s?). That gives me hope for little Lakshmi, and for Abby & Brittney, and oh hell, maybe the whole human race. Now I'm all puddled up.

1/21/11

Thine eyes are like UV


Luke goes to Crazytown in 11:33-36: LAMPS, EYES, WTF.
  Luke 11:33 “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.
Ok so far. Watch it though, whenever this book starts to make sense you drop your guard and it nails you with an underhand from left field.
34 Your eye is the lamp of your body. [Huh? See, here it comes] When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light.
Wait, what? Good eyesight makes your whole body transparent? Who knew?
Glass frog. Really good eyesight?
But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness.
Oh, pshaw. Remember, “outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” If it's not dark, you don't have eye problems, you have an LED on the microchip Homeland Security planted in there.

35 See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.
Them being so hard to tell apart and all. What mentally challenged target audience is this aimed at? Our rug rat can tell light from dark and he's only two. If it's a metaphor for enlightenment or some shit, what's it got to do with your eyes? If you sin you go blind?

36 Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.”
Oh, wait, I get it. No part of your body is dark, – it's talking about going through the TSA scanners! Your whole body lights up like spotlights on a porn star. Fuck me, how'd those old bible guys know to predict this? It's a miracle, the bible must be true. I'll be dipped in shit err, holy water.

-----------------
Next up, Jebus tells his peeps not to worry where their next meal is coming from, how to make a living, save for the future, any of that candy-ass shit, 'coz da Lard will Provide, yo.

Luke 12:24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.

Bible-believing Christians?
Consider the Ravens, he says. Ian has a post on it. Basically, 70% of all ravens starve to death every year. That's great advice there, J.C., depend on you and get three chances out of ten I'll live to see another winter. No thanks, I get better odds jumping in with a Mexican drug cartel. 

1/20/11

My priest loves me


There's nothing like a contemporary remake of an old classic.


a Political Poem


By: Thers Wednesday January 19, 2011 8:01 pm

graphic: twolf
(An original Pome by Thersey Thyshhe Therssey. Ahem.)
I met a traveller from an online land,
Who said: “A vastly dickish pompous toad
Squats in the Senate…. On Sundays, with his hands,
Are pundits stroked: he blows, and is blown.
His wrinkled lip, and sneer of faux command,
Help him pander, and bullshit spread:
Shite like nukes aloft on balsa wings,
Painted schools, kids somehow not really dead.
And on the chyron, these words appear:
My name is Joezymandias, King (cough SENATOR cough) of Kings –
Look on my sags, ye bloggers, and despair!
But the primaries yet remain. Round the decay
Of that colossal Ass, lies boundless fail:
The lone Iraqi sands stretch far away.”
X-composted.
This is too good to not pass on.  If you wonder why we're picking on Joe Lieberman, just check out this interview. WMD? Sweetheart? FFS, what Thers said.

1/19/11

Goddesses, really.


Atheists don't believe there's a god. Some people go further and insist that no gods of any kind exist. Well, they're wrong. No gods, maybe, but goddesses do actually exist. Here's one right here.


"Not only does Nepal have many gods, ... it also has a real living goddess.
The Kumari Devi is a young girl who lives in the building known as the Kumari Ghar, right beside Kathmandu's Durbar Square.
From time immemorial the practice of worshipping an ordinary pre-pubescent girl as a source of supreme power has been an integral part of both Hinduism and Buddhism, a tradition which continues even to this day virtually in every household. They call this girl Kumari Devi and worship her on all the religious occasions." 
As usual with this god stuff, there's a downside. Wikipedia has more, and there's even a movie.


Whatever you think about these godesses, you can hardly say they don't exist. They might not be your or my idea of gods, but we're not the only culture in the world. You can say none of the things our culture calls gods exist, but it's not up to us to tell the Nepalis what their idea of gods should be. 'Strong' atheism claims

there are no gods of any kind I am ethnocentric and ignorant.

There, fixed.

1/18/11

Poop Sloths!



Warning!  This is totally fucking disgusting.



That guy right there is a two toed sloth climbing out of a pit toilet.

Think about that for a minute.

This is in NE Peru. They had to put wire mesh around their outhouses to keep these little guys out. It's just something they started doing down there, no one knows why.  I'm with the commenter that hopes this is a natural behavior and not some response to human activity. Tetrapod Zoology has more.

The behaviour was first reported in November 2001 when a slot was discovered hanging from the wooden bars within the latrine. "It was scooping with one hand from the semi-liquid manure composed of faeces, urine and toilet paper and then eating from the hand" (Heymann et al. 2010, p. 1 of preprint).

Not so cuddly now, eh? Before you start hatin' on sloths, remember dogs do it too. Fido acts like I'm bringing out steak when I dump the cat box in the compost. It's fenced off, but who knows where that tongue's been before he comes in and licks your face?    

All that aside, no word on what those claws do if someone gets cheeky and blocks the sloth's exit. But just look at the shit-eating grin on that happy little fella.  Cue Lolsloths, in 3 ... 2 ... 1...

O HAI. IM IN UR POTTY, EATIN DA POO POO

.....Gahhhhh....

1/17/11

Handjobs for Jesus


Luke 10:27 has that famous line, “love your neighbor as yourself”. This makes me uneasy, because how exactly? Oh, I've known about self-love since I was about twelve, hell there's all these cool songs about it, but how am I supposed to do that with my neighbor? Half of them I can't do them like myself, because they don't have the same equipment, and some of them don't want me to.
 
Then in Luke 11:14 Jesus drives out a demon that was mute. Who knew demons suffer from speech impediments just like the rest of us?
 14 Jesus was driving out a demon that was mute. When the demon left, the man who had been mute spoke, and the crowd was amazed.
Whoa, the guy the demon was in couldn't talk either? Maybe the demon was in his larynx. How Jesus drove him out it doesn't say, but if it amazed this crowd we can rule out long term speech therapy, probably something more like the macarena.

His SLP gig rocks, but what's all this got to do with the demon, what happened to him, did he get better too? Jesus gives away the ending in Luke 11:24-26
24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Don't live in deserts. They're full of demons wandering around looking for homes.
Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ If you were in New Zealand, it would have camped on the beach. See what you get for living in that desert?
25 When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. Dirt keeps demons away. Good to know. That's why, you should never, ever, clean your house.
And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.” Holy shit, now there's eight of them. Also good to know is, never ever let that fucking Jesus cast out any demons you might have. Eight times worse, Fuck!  

1/16/11

A platypus created the universe


Logic-impaired bozo Kenneth Clifton, in the Amazon reviews of Stephen Hawking's book the Grand Design, thinks he has something to say. He doesn't, but it didn't stop him from writing this:

The London Telegraph has a story out, today, where Hawking says that he doesn't believe in a personal God, saying instead that the laws of nature created the universe. He said that if you wanted to call those laws of nature God, that was fine by him. (teal is my color)
Leaf tailed Gecko. Similar to Ken Clifton.

Now, there should be no objection to calling the evolutionist beliefs a religion *note: Use the definite article, "the", for things that have been previously mentioned. Not 1948 Packards, "evolutionist beliefs", or tenrecs, none of which have anything to do with the creation of the universe, since Pantheism is the religion that says nature is God . Hawking just there admitted to being of that religion What? Where? Because he doesn't want to burn you at the stake for being a Pantheist, that makes him a pantheist? It's fine by me if platypusses eat worms, does that make me a platypus? So, why should the state pay what? to educate our children What? with HIS religious faith WHAT?, instead of that of other religions THE FUCK??? This train of thought has jumped the rails, driven across a field, launched itself into orbit and left the galaxy: Hawkins' not wanting to persecute pantheists = state funded shitfuckwhatthepiss. What happened to separation of church and state? What happened to logic? Reason? Intelligent life? Separation of batshit and insanity?
Tenrec. Did not create the universe.
One more note. If Hawking or Hitchens or others are experts on religion without taking a single course of study and having no experience, then, I am an expert of science. And I am an expert on being a platypus. In fact, I am a platypus. Because Saturn has moons.
Kenneth Clifton - Author of (some books that aren't worth knowing about) Dude, if this review was a plug for your books, you'd do better writing on bathroom walls. With poop.

Oh, Mock me, yes, yes!


Attention whore Terry Jones of Florida, who last year found being an international bad joke so priapic, is now throbbing to put the Quran on trial. Seriously. I couldn't make this shit up.

You remember this splooge--the guy who admits he didn't know any moslems but wanted to burn the koran because he learned about Islam on YouTube, and isn't normal.  
Get your popcorn, on March 20, thirty mentally unstable followers of his will try the Mohammedan book for "murder, rape, deception, and being responsible for terrorist activities all over the world" and if it's found guilty, they'll drown it. No, I am NOT making this up.

I'm willing to testify that my koran's only lies on the shelf, but I'll keep an open mind about little books with little feet running amok and attacking people little scimitars out of margarita glasses, or little umbrellas, or whatever.  About two-bit preachers waving little dicks to get attention though, not so much.

Assuming I could ingest enough crystal meth that this trial seems like a good idea, I would demand the Bible as a co-defendent.  Hell, make it a contest. Give the Koran immunity for one atrocity every time the Bible says the something equivalent. Drop charges against the Bible for every crime the Koran duplicates.  Give the ...

 ... naw, it's just too stupid.

1/15/11

Libertarian like Luke


Right wing Christians, Tea Party types, they're all about earning their own way. They hate spongers who want to take away their hard-earned wealth. 
"Get up outta that wheel chair," they say, "and go do some honest work, you lazy moocher." Everyone, sez them, has Opportunity. "Get your crippled up multiply schlerotic body down to the day labor center and pack hod with those bodybuilding ex-cons." "Dig some ditches." "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps like my grand daddy did."  "What gives you the right", they demand, "to take my earnings away after I worked hard phoning in book on pork futures?"
"Earn your damn keep like an honest man."

Naturally, I expect to see such lofty sentiments when I read their Good Book on which Our Great Country was founded. But, whoa, what's this?

Luke10:5-7 BE A MOOCHER, Jesus tells his peeps, be beggars.
5 “When you enter a house, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ 6 bla bla bla 7 Stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house.

It's not just a brain fart, either, (unless you look at the whole Bible as one big brain fart) it's in all the apostle's epistles.
Mark 6:8-11 Mark 6:8 ... “Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. 9 Wear sandals but not an extra shirt.”

Matt 10:9-10. Matt 10:9 “Do not get any gold or silver or copper to take with you in your belts,
10. no bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandals or a staff, for the worker is worth his keep.

The worker might be worth his keep, but what's it to do with these preachers? They aren't out there pouring concrete. Ain't no calluses on their hands or paint stains on their shirts. A true story:

Two missionary types came walking, up to me as I was working on an old car, all dirty and greasy, just downslope from the open garage door.
“Have you heard the good news?” they ask me.
“What, you're gonna help me with this?”
“We'd like to talk to you about jesus,” they said.
“Is he gonna help me push this car up into the garage?”
“I'm afraid we can't do that”, they said, in their nice clean suits.
“If your guy Jesus was here, I imagine he'd help, him being a carpenter and all.”
“We're sorry. You have nice day now.”

Chickenshits.

The mic stopped


This kid's only eight, but damn she's good, and they bring her to their hockey game to sing the national anthem, and she's kicking ASS, and the mic goes out, and ...  well just watch.  




1/14/11

A slug to cheer you up


Call me weird, but I like slugs. They're cute. See?


Don't be hatin' on them. Look,

From Wikipedia;
Apophallation is a commonly seen practice among many slugs. In apophallating species, the penis curls like a corkscrew and during mating often becomes entangled in the mate's genitalia. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's penis! Once its penis has been removed, the slug is still able to mate using only the female parts of its reproductive system.

If that doesn't make you sympathize, I don't know what will.

Wordiverse


Check out this cool thing. Being able to communicate is a Big Fucking Deal, srsly.  Adopt a word lets you help kids do it, plus you get to become the proud owner of your very own official Word. How cool is that?

This is a screen shot of their 'wordiverse'. I can't embed it, but click here and the words scroll across the screen. It's oddly hypnotic and seductive.  When a word snags you, click on it and the definition comes up.
Too fun!  

Pick out your your special Word and get an official certificate of adoption.  Who else has that? 

RIM JOBS

Today in the stores we stumbled across a Digital Blender, and had a good laugh at clueless marketing. (No, for you slow people, we did not stick our fingers in to test it). Then later, I surfed up


Jesus' General has details, including the John McCain connection.  Go there, I cannot type with my palms on my face. 
 

1/13/11

The Seventy


So I'm bopping along reading Luke's old Gospel about Jesus and his twelve homeboys, when I come to line 10:1 and there's cloning. Cloning? All of a sudden there's seventy two apostles WTF?

First I thought they must've wrote 12 with a squiggly 1 that looked like a 7, easy mistake. Nope, that's not it, they wrote out the names in the original, and you can't get drunk enough to confuse dodeka with evdominta. It's another one of those “Mystery of Faith”s the nuns always answered my questions with. Well, not any more.

SOLVED—THE MYSTERY OF THE SEVENTY

Thank you. See, Greek has two words for “other”
(I know this because of Ian over at Irreducible Complexity, prolly the greatest bible scholar in bibleschoardom. To paraphrase Zomgscience, if his blog was shit you'd roll in it.)

allos = another of the same kind
heteros = another of a different kind 

It's obvious now, isn't it? Remember the naked guy in the garden and all that? First there were the twelve, and then seventy more of a different kind of apostle. Wink, wink, get it? (Not that there's anything wrong with that).

 Luke 10:1 After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others heteros and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go.

This bible, it's so gay. It's just fabulous.

1/10/11

Parable of Mass Destruction


Way long time ago, there was this kingdom where the people had no spines. They sort of slithered, and went wherever you pushed them, because you can't push back without a backbone, but even so they were a powerful kingdom, with a mighty king. Well, not all that mighty himself, but he inherited the kingdom from his old man who was a mighty conqueror with extra letters in his name.

The new little king sent a message throughout the land.
“Attention, all dukes and earls,” it said, “big important proclamation.”
All the dukes and earls crawled and slithered up to the royal castle and listened up.
“Yo, here's what.” said the king, “We're going to invade the kingdom next door”
The dukes 'n earls were all “WTF? Why we do that? What'd they do?”

“We gotta,” said the king “they've got a scary magic weapon. It's called the Nooklar, and it can make us lose our minds, like evil zombies. If they use it we'll all turn into violent mass murdering torture-killers. That scary Nooklar, that's the Reason we gotta fight, fight, fight!” and he did a little cheerleader routine. He was good at that.

They all thought “Bad Plan!” and “What was that Reason?” but this was the Kingdom of the Spineless so they gathered up a horde of doods and charged in and the neighbors surrendered because, hey what's to fight about? The Hordes turned over every mattress and pig and cow, and tracked mud everywhere but they never found the scary hidden Nooklar.

The dukes 'n earls went to the king and they said,
“We're awful sorry Your Warriorness, we can't find the Nooklar”.
The king said back, “The Reason we went there was not to find the Nooklar. The Reason we went there was to find Chemerical Weapons, fearsome magic potions that could KILL US ALL.” He yelled that last part real loud, and even repeated “They could Kill Us. All.”

So the Horde turned over every kitchen pot and fruit basket (some of them stole the food, but only bad apples) and they couldn't find the Chimerical Weapons either. A rumor started that it wasn't even The Reason. The dukes 'n earls went to the king and said,
“Couldn't find them. The closest thing we found was downwind from a hog farm, weapons of ass production, you could say.”
The king wore his armored codpiece and roared,
“No, no, the Reason we went there was not to find Chimerical Weapons, it was to Free the Wimmens. See, they have all these wimmens there that are slaves, slaves I tells ya, and now that our Horde is there giving orders nobody will boss those poor little wimmens around.”

So the dukes 'n earls went and found all the wimmens, in alleys giving blow jobs for food because their farms were all trampled and living in cardboard boxes after the Hordes burned down their house. They went to the king and said, “The wimmens are worse off than they were before. You said they were the Reason.”

The king said “Well, that's not the Reason. The Reason was to free them from their evil king, a bad guy that took their homes and stole their food and forced them to give blow jobs in back alleys. Then we came with donkey loads of Freedom, and crocks of Independence, Hooray!”

The dukes and earls looked at their feet and kind of muttered,
“Now they got Freedom all right, they got no rules at all. Acronym trees grow all over, they just go pick an RPG, an AK47, or an IED and they go murder each other. It's a war, and they're not civil to our Horde either.”
“We have to Stay with the Coors” cried the king, trying to look kingly. “That's the Reason our Horde is still there.”
“WTF?” said the dukes and earls, “The Coors is all gone. What was that Reason again?”
“Wait,” king whimpered, “I never said Stay for the Coors, the Reason was we something else mumble mutter...”
This story doesn't have an ending like most fairy tales, it just goes on forever, or if it ever ends, it's not a happy ending.

If it had a happy ending it'd go like this. Somewhere in the story the dukes 'n earls would grow backbones, and they'd tell the king,
“Nooklar my arse, that's stoopid. When we showed you the Nooklar wasn't the Reason, you changed your story and said it was Chemerical. We showed you the Reason wasn't Chimerical, and you said the Reason was wimmens. Just piss off, you can't show us any Reason. Your fucking Reason doesn't exist.”

It's just like God.


1/9/11

1/8/11

Jack Frost ism


When you're a kid, you learn all about Jack Frost, and how he paints the leaves red in the Fall. Watch out--it's a bait and switch. If you make it to adulthood, you'll find out he's just a mythical creature, a made-up character in a story, he's not real at all. Bastards! Lying to little kids!

Well just chill the fuck out. Nobody's trying to scam you out of your lunch money. Trust me, you wouldn't like it if they trapped you in your play pen and lectured your crapping little ass about anthocyanins and xanthophyll.

It's ok; Jack Frost is make-believe, but not the same way as Cat in the Hat is. Old Jack here, he's what you call a personification. He's not completely imaginary, see, he's just an easy way to refer to a natural process. You can draw pictures of Jack—have you ever tried to draw Allelopathy?  Yeah, I thought not.


When you get big, you'll learn to use the potty, and go to college, and they'll tell you about metaphors. That's what Jack Frost is, a metaphor. So are Old Man River and Lady Luck. So are light waves and photons, when you're old enough to learn about them.

Heads up though, it's another bait and switch. There really isn't any such thing as a light wave or a light particle, they're just metaphors to talk about invisible things that we only kinda sorta understand. No, no, don't cry, we can still investigate them, we just make up metaphors, like those light waves and particles and Jack Frost, and God, and honest politicians. Then you just choose the metaphor that's useful. And “god” is a useful metaphor, Damn it! (See what I did there? Lol.)

Now stop chewing your boogers and pay attention, cuz here's the important part. You know what happens? Sometimes, when two people really love each other, uhh, they use a metaphor, and the other person thinks they mean it literal.

LMAO, they think Lady Luck is a real person, and they bet their mortgage payment on her, and lose their ass, and have to go live under the freeway in a cardboard box. Don't be like them. Keep your metaphors and reality separate, mmkay?, but remember, understanding-wise, some people just never grow up. Sometimes they can't help it, so don't be mean to them. Unless they start preaching at you and saying stuff like “Jack Frost hates Fags”, then go ahead and kick their ass.

Wake up now, I'm sorry I used big words and all, but here's the thing. All those made-up guys—Lady Luck, Jack Frost, God—they're personifications, ways to talk about natural processes, ones that are so complicated everybody flunks Statistics at least once. Nobody flunks Jack Frost though.

So don't go telling little Suzy next door that Jack Frost doesn't exist, cuz you'll break her little heart and she'll kick your ass. She prolly won't get all up in your shit though, for telling her the cartoon version's just a bad Photoshop. The lady ain't dumb, and who knows, it might put her in the mood for a little photoprotection and coevolution. But until she comes over with an AK47 to make you paint leaves with her, just lay off, and if she never grows up you can still play together. Now go.

Mondegreens


If you don't know what is a Mondegreen, go here. For more detail go here, and if you can read that without laughing you're not human. But, this, this video, it takes it to a whole new level.




Full disclosure: I'd been singing "When I go to town to spend my pay, with flat car riders and cross tie walkers ..." for nearly forty years when I found out what Creedence Clearwater really sang. At least I din't enter any contest.

1/7/11

A nice poster



...from the Northern Ireland police. The  campaign  is not full of win [blue posters for boys and pink for girls?  SRSLY?], it has the usual advice for the stoopid wimmen, but I don't wanna throw rocks at it, because then it has this:

snip----------------------------

And for guys...

Don't forget, if you didn't get consent before sex - that makes you a rapist. Tough word isn't it. Try explaining that one to your family and friends. But that's what rape means - 'sex without consent'.

Consent has to be explicit. It's not enough to think ' they haven't said no so I'll carry on anyway'. If the person you're with is incapable of making that decision because they are drunk or drugged, then it still makes you a rapist. Never thought it like that before. Be SMART - start thinking like that now and pass the message on.

Sex without consent is rape
Make sure you ask and get a clear response
Alcohol or drugs will affect your judgement
Rape convictions last forever
Take NO for an answer

---------------------------------------snip

Not bad at all.

A bigger dick than M&M


Warning: Luke 9:59-62 ahead.


When you finish reading a really crappy book, then what? Do you pick it up and read it again three more times? Fuck no, you throw the damn thing away, right? Well, I'm in the Book(sic) of Luke, so this makes the third time wading thru the story(sic) of Jesus, and it's really hard to keep picking this literary shitcastle up, but I keep doing it, because I'm demented determined to improve myself. Although, ... 155 pages in, still as puerile and foul mouthed as ever.

It's soporific and narcoleptic and too garbled to be worth hunting up the corresponding parts in the Books of M&M, but occasional big floaters clog my filter, like in 9:59, here's Jesus being an asshole again. Jesus, Jesus, does your dad know you're doing this shit? Just wait and see, you're gonna be sorry .

In 9:59 he tells some guy to come with, when the guy's dad just died. He wants to hang around and have a funeral first, imagine that. Does Jesus have as much sympathy as a stray dog? Hell no, “Let the dead bury the dead”, sez he. What a prick.

Funny how that Jesus quote doesn't get air time, but I knew about it from M&M, even mentioned it in my poem “The Bible before Solstice” (which, BTW, totally rocks, as if some ancient Sumerian goddess was whispering it in my ear. No wait, that's me, LOL!). But it gets worse! In Luke 9:61 some other guy wants to say goodbye to his family and Jesus tells him to suck it:

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62)
Holy crap! Not only don't bury your parents, also abandon your family without so much as a goodbye. This guy's greatest role model in history? Let's agree to disagree. Better yet, let's agree he blows goats and go find somebody better. Like Calvin.

1/6/11

Biblical advice for our post-DADT military


Now that DADT is repealed this is high priority intel, so listen up. The Bible has timeless advice for the modern military, whose heroes in uniform soon find themselves facing situations just like this:

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” (Luke 9:57)

ZOMG! Jesus is being hit on! See, this is just what to expect once they lift the ban. Our manly macho military man's men will be shamelessly accosted by lisping limp wristed femisoldiers. Their uniforms will be perfect. How should our homophobic heroes deal with this horror? Why the bibile tells us—just man up and do what Jesus did.

Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” (Luke 9:58)

uhh … whut? Wh?? well, there ya go. I guess.

And ladies, next time you're on the subway and some creepy dude sidles up to you, just turn to them and tell him that: it's what Jesus would do.

Of course, we all know what happened to him.

1/5/11

Humor Illegal in Virginia



This license plate has been around since 2007, but the Virginia DMV just now recalled it. Offensive, it was. Also “profane, obscene and vulgar”. Not to mention “socially, racially, or ethnically offensive”. “Disturbing”, too.

If you're like me and going
“Double you tee eff?”
remember, “eating” can refer to oral sex. Ewww.

Go on, get your mind down there in the gutter with the 11 people who complained. Probly never even heard of Jonathan Swift. Yuck. Lissen up Virginia, if a dirty joke is so obscure it doesn't occur to me, then it ain't dirty.


The whole story is here, and be sure to read the comments. Some hilarious stuff in there.