7/31/10

Go There


OK, so I read the most awesome book in the entire world, about a week ago, and even made a couple of little references to it, but my drug-addled brain can't make a post that'd do it any kind of justice. Just as well, because over at Bright Nepenthe Marzie already did it better.
All I had to do was wait. All you have to do is go over there and read that. Then you'll know what that picture is, and the solution to our troubles in Afghanistan that our idiot leaders can't figure out.
Srsly, Go. Why are you still here?

7/30/10

the Pope's Fashion Police



This 

woman

is

not

dressed 

properly.




At least, the Vatican says.  Apparently feeling they haven't yet made themselves look stupid enough, they've gone and set up their own Mutaween. That's right, morality police, just like in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Israel, those modest places.
From now on, you show up the Vatican with bare legs or arms they'll sic the Swiss Gaurds on you. You know, these guys.
 People who dress like this are giving fashion advice?

Can this church be any more idiotic?

7/29/10

Everybody Knows Shit


WTF's with the Ten Commandments?
Everybody knows the Ten CommandmentsTM, my dog knows the Ten CommandmentsTM . They're Christianity 101.
Just ask Judge Roy “Fuck-the-Law” Moore. He'll tell you all Ten of the Commands he thinks our laws are from, put up a 3 ton granite slab, and show you them right there in the Bible: Exodus 20:2-17.


Trouble is, those aren't the Ten Commandments.


The only “Ten Commandments” in the Bible are in Exodus 34:12-26.

Now, I'm reading Matthew, and I find out there's a third version.

1 do not murder
2 do not adulter
3 do not steal
4 do not lie
5 honor your parents
6 love your neighbor as yourself
7 sell your possessions and give to the poor

???
 Why isn't there even one fundamentalist church out there that goes by Mathew's Seven Commandments? They could swear, work on Sunday and covet. Where's the downside?

With all these different versions floating around, I'd expect headlines like

Church of Exodus 34 burned by rioting mob of Exodus Twentiers
----or----
Couple Killed for Blasphemous Kid-Seething

Instead, 38,000 sects of Christians (plus Jewish, Moslem, and Weirdo ones) all agree on the same random, unsupported interpretation of this one thing. How is that possible? Are aliens out there, beaming down invisible Dogma-rays?

  • The Bible says X, but somehow everybody just KNOWS that the bible says Y.
  • The Bible says Exodus 34 is the Ten Commandments, but somehow everybody just KNOWS that Exodus 20 is.
  • There's all these different versions, but somehow everybody just KNOWS which one is right. How?
When people don't agree on what it says, that makes sense, cuz really, fortune cookies are less vague. This is way stranger though, because here everybody does agree, and they agree that it says something that it doesn't say! 
 
What “everybody knows” about the Ten Commandments doesn't come from the Bible, so where does it come from?
Something very strange is going on here.

7/28/10

Let's go shopping


Congress just pledged another
30 Billion dollars
for the 
War On Blowback

which brings me to this article, which you should read if you wanna be inspired, kinda.

In 1961, under President Kennedy, we pledged 24 billion dollars to the space program. What do we have to show for it?

Eight years later we had people walking on the moon; The space program employed 400,000 Americans; and spinoffs brought us:
microwaves
minicams
cell phones
fuel cells
velcro
It paid off, bigtime.

In 2001, “we” pledged 50 or 60 Billion dollars to a war. What do we have to show for that?

Eight years later, going on ten now, we've got _________________.  Fill in the blank yourself, if you can think of anything about the US that's gotten better in the past nine years.

To date we've spent over $1,000,000,000,000, (a million million dollars), the cost of 18 space programs. Lets see what that money could buy us.

source school house pic

Hell, there's only 24 million people in that whole country, we'll have spare change. Let's find some things we can get cheap.


source  for the pic of the little kid 

These numbers didn't just come out of thin air, they're the actual costs paid by Greg Mortensen, who has actually built these schools and educated these kids.   If you don't know his story yet, leave, and don't come back till you've read his books. Better yet, donate to his Central Asia Institute, or find some other way to help.

Oh, and if you voted to spend the money on weapons, fuck you.

Something Good



 

Taking one small step towards civilization, Catalonia has banned bullfighting.



YAY! 

Christians vs Apes (Matt.20)

Matthew chapter 20

There's a ton of research showing that animals have a sense of fairness. Some of the experiments make monkeys work harder for less rewards than other monkeys, and when they see they're getting stiffed, they go all fuck you and won't cooperate any more. 

Not just monkeys either, dogs, elephants, dolphins, even people (well, some of them) and rats; they all have some inborn sense of justice. Remember that when you read the Bible, especially when you get to the 

Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard  
(Matt 20:1-16).
In this story, a boss pays the same whether you slaved your ass off in the hot sun all day, or just worked for an hour. Basically the same deal as the monkeys, some people got bigger rewards per effort. Does Jesus tell this story to illustrate how you should treat people fairly? Not hardly, all he says is 'the first shall be last', which ungarbled from Prophetese means god'll do whatever, whether you deserve it or not. The koran says that too, about every other page.

Abramists are fine with that. You never hear one interpret this to mean “that boss is an asshole, don't be like him”, the way us atheists with no morals do.
We know from the experiments that monkeys have enough sense to give a big fat 'fuck you' to that boss, and a minute on Google will show that religious fanatics don't.
 
Do Christians have as much sense as monkeys?

Obviously not.

Empirically proven.


Here's the thing. God made all these creatures and gave them an innate sense of justice. Then he sends his minion down to teach them how to act, and the minion says to ignore their innate god-given sense of right and wrong. To not be the way god made them.

Either
their god didn't know what he was doing when he made us, and needs Jesus to correct his mistake,
or
their god demands that we go against our instincts, that he gave us, which makes him a prick.

Either way, their god looks like a fuckup. 

It's in the Bible, folks.  

7/25/10

Soft on Crime


This story is kind of neat. It tells about prisons in Norway, and


 "their country's long-standing penal philosophy: that traditional, repressive prisons do not work, and that treating prisoners humanely boosts their chances of reintegrating into society."


No fences, no bars.  Prisoners grow their own food, cook it, hold barbecues, go to school, go horseback riding, ski.




"People in other countries say that what Norway does is wrong," says Lars, who is serving a 16-year sentence for serious drug offenses. "But why does Norway have the world's lowest murder rate? Maybe we're doing something that really works."




"When you treat people like they're criminals, you'll be right."
---somebody famous

7/24/10

Acceptable Or No?


That last post, I'm not so sure about it. I even hesitated to put it up and now that I have I'm not sure I should have.

Yeah it's in bad taste, but that was never a consideration. It's funny I thought, and it makes a good point about the catholics. But.

My objection to it is that it seems at least close to violating Rape Prevention Tip #29:

29. Don't laugh at rape jokes. When you hear one, object to it.

Since I was having a hard time deciding, I figured I'd put it and see if anyone else had opinions.
What do you think? Was it over the line, or was it acceptable?

Solving the Catholic's Problem



The Catholic Church has ruled that ordaining women is a grave crime, and people are up in arms.

To be fair though, nature—or God if you prefer—has not equipped women to give the same performance we have come to expect from a Catholic priest.


Technology to the rescue. 



7/22/10

Christians Under Attack


...by whales?  Yep, here's the proof.

This atheist whale, upon seeing the halo on this boat's sail, couldn’t resist a chance to attack an innocent God-fearing Christian, typical behavior for atheists.

Christianity is under attack everywhere today, and those reporting on this important story join in by constant referrals to a southern “Right” whale. Atheists see nothing “wrong” with vandalism and blasphemy when they are directed against Christians. 



More info and pics here. 
(**No people or whales were injured in the making of this event)

More Billboards


Those religious folk are putting up godly billboards, but they never say which god they mean. I'm sure they wouldn't want to discriminate, so let's help them out.



The Egyptian's bird-headed god.











              Celebrate diversity!
















        Somebody's always gotta be a joker.


















       My favorite.



7/21/10

The Seven Commandments (matt 19)

Matthew, chapter 19

Here's Jesus saying you can't divorce your wife, not never ever unless you catch her in bed with the UPS guy. But, but but, in the old laws, Moses said divorce was OK, and remember how Jesus was about them old laws, “I ain't here to abolish them (5:17-18).” Sure sounds to me like abolishing: law said you could, now you can't. Almost makes Jesus look like a liar, don't it?

He clarifies it well into gibberish, seems to say you shouldn't get married (19:11-12). The actual meaning is, and I looked it up, is that it depends on what website you look at, just keep trying till you find one you like. First rule of propheticating: Be vague.

Betcha can't read this without thinking inappropriate thoughts.

13Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and …
15When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.
LULZ. “you have to look at the context.”



What the hell, seven? Mother Dominatrice lied to me again. Ever since catholic school I've always heard there were ten, but he's gone and shitcanned three of them, and rewritten two others. Here's the Revised List.

1 no other gods
2 no swearing
3 keep the sabbath

4 honor your parents,
5 do not murder,
6 do not adulter,
7 do not steal,
8 do not lie,

9 don't covet neighbor's wife      love your neighbor as yourself.
10 don't covet neighbors goods      sell your possessions and give to the poor,

I like these new rules. You get to swear (Fuck yea!), and work on Sunday, even have other gods if you want. Hear that Kathy Griffith? You're off the hook. Can't help noticing though that this Jesus guy breaks #4, and #9, and #7, and #8? fuhgittaboutit, the guy lies like carpet. Not just his on-again off-again abolishing the laws, either.

He insists there won't be any miracles, and what's he do for a living? Goes around claiming to heal the blind, crippled, and dead, that's what. If healing the dead isn't a miracle, your standards are higher than mine. If he's not lying abut miracles, then all that healing and raising he claims to be doing is a scam. Either way he's a bald faced liar.Not that there's anything wrong with a bald face.

7/20/10

Duelling Billboards


Oh, the vapors! Some people put up this billboard


This will obviously destroy Western Civilization at the hands of the gay atheist commy socialist liberal femonazi lolcats army, so in defense of our Way Of LifeTM, a church is putting up billboards saying “one nation under god”. In the spirit of indivisibleness, I must offer my support by posting this proper, godly, billboard. 


I'm sure Trinity Baptist would be overjoyed to see this right next to every one of those horrible atheist ones, doncha think? 

the Real Drug Threat

California is thinking of making marijuana legal. We dasn't do this, though, and Gil Kerlikowske knows the reason why. It's his job to know, see, as Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy**, so we need to listen when he tells us

"...if drugs were, or marijuana, was to become legalized. That in fact you would see more use. That you would also see a black market that would come into play"

HOLY SHIT!!!! A black market for drugs! People would be buying pot on the street corners. People would be





Isn't there some way we could replace all our elected official with, I dunno, hamsters?



P.S **We pay this lifeform $188,000 a year.

Learn to Give Up


In 2005 Afghanistan had a 7.6 earthquake. It killed nearly 18,000 people. Most of them were kids, because they were indoors, in school, when the quake hit. I'm reading about this when I come to as horrifying a sentence as I have ever read.

Strangely, the vast majority of those dead schoolchildren were girls, and as the debris was cleared away and the bodies were recovered, the explanation for this imbalance slowly emerged. While the boys had tended to race to safety by bolting out the windows and doors, most of the girls had instinctively huddled together and perished.
(Mortensen, Greg. 2009. Stones into Schools. p168)

How beaten down does a person have to be in order to extinguish their basic instinct for survival? How hopeless do things have to get before you don't even try to get away, just crouch down and hope you live through whatever happens to you?

It's a coping strategy for victims of horrendous abuse, I know, the type that results in multiple personalities and such. Lab rats show it as Learned Helplessness. When they figure out that nothing they can do will prevent being hurt, they just cower down and whimper, and keep on acting that way even after you change things so that escaping would be easy, they still don't even try. 

As horrible as it is even to think very much about this happening to a few animals in a lab, here it is happening to an entire country, at least to all the girls. The boys fought to survive. The girls had already been trained.

7/19/10

I Write Like


There's this new meme going around, paste in a sample of your writing to analyze what famous writer you write like. I think it's kind of stupid, but everybody's doing it, so to maintain my membership in the Brotherhood of Bloggers I HAVE TO do it too, so here goes.

I paste in a representative sample of my best work, I press "Analyze",  I hold my breath and wait for the verdict. Here it comes ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.




Oh well.

7/18/10

SEX RAPE POWER WTF


#15. Understand that rape is about power, not about sex.

Seems like a simple, obvious, statement, to me, so I'm nonplussed that people argue over it. They say

'Do you honestly think that "it's not about sex" for a horny man on a first date with a woman who has sex with the woman anyway after she says no? '
---or---
men who place the so-called "date rape pill" in drinks in bars to get beautiful women into private places where they can have sex with them are motivated by lust.”

Hmmm, they're right in a way. These examples are “about sex”, in the sense that the perpetrator of the criminal act in this case was motivated by it. That's all very true and all very beside the point. We're not claiming there is no relationship between sex and rape. Also, we're not discussing motivations.

The disconnect seems to be about what about's about. These guys, let's call them 'RAy', interpret about as meaning “motivated by”, and have arguments about psychology, innateness and biology. None of which is relevant to the point I want to make.

I don't care what motivates the criminal to commit the act, I'm talking about the criminal act itself, which is an abuse of power. What motivates anyone to abuse power is not part of the discussion, but I can't get Ray to see the distinction

"doing something without consent turns almost anything into crime. Saying that rape isn't about sex makes about as much sense as saying that theft isn't about acquiring property.”

Yeah, theft is 'about' acquiring property, in the above sense which I'm not using, but acquiring property is not a crime, and Theft is. It's not a crime because of the thief's motives, it's a crime because of the thief's actions. In the sense we're using 'about', Robbery is 'about' stealing shit, not 'about' the greed that motivates the thief to steal shit. RAy can be as greedy, or as lustful, as he wants — right up to the point where he abuses his power,  by taking whatever it is without permission.

Maybe #15 would be better this way?

Understand that Rape is the act (of abusing power),
not the (sexual) motivation for that abuse.

Ray won't like it. He'll still say,

You can point this out [that all rapes are abuses of power] as much as you like, but it has nothing to do with the obvious truth that the men in these scenarios were motivated to have sex with these women out of lust.”

That's exactly right, it has nothing to do with it. Neither does the Apollo moon landing, so why does he insist on changing the topic? We try to address the topic of rape being violent, and he diverts the discussion onto motivations, a topic that even he says has nothing to do with it.
We're not talking about whether these men can or do or should want to have sex (it's pretty safe to assume they do), the topic is these people committing violence.

For context here, we've been compiling a list of “Rape Prevention Tips for Men”, advice directed to men, that could be helpful for men who would like see rape eliminated. The point is to separate sex and rape, so we can address them as two different things, since the goal is to eliminate one of them, not both. Apparently this is too subtle for Rays to grasp.

Q: “Why do some people feel the need to separate rape from sex?”
A: “Good question - that's exactly what I've been wondering.”

This sounds to me like “Why do people need to not get raped?” or, “Hey, let's all cut off our right foot” so aside from some pretty creative profanity I'm stuck, but Helen Huntingdon had an answer:

“The reason these dudes are trying to mansplain about rapists wanting sex is the mansplainers don't have any mental concept for sex without coercion.
If you're used to thinking in terms of how to "get" a partner to want sex, whether through buying dinner or whining that it's been X days or whatever, you're already thinking in terms of your partner being someone who isn't going to choose sex with you freely. From there, coercion just looks like a matter of degree, and we get the tools showing up splitting hairs about just how much pressure they're allowed before it's rape. These guys can believe rape is about sex because it hasn't occurred to them that sex without the coercive aspect is even an option.”

That seems right. With that notion of sex, women don't want it, men need it, and the question is how to get her to give it. How much force or coercion are we allowed to use before it is called rape? To say “none” is to say we can never have sex at all.

You can't separate rape and sex in your mind if they are the same thing, and sadly for some people this is the case, like this Ray:

Rape is often about power, but it is about sex first. Sex itself is a power struggle

If you see life like that you have serious issues, but to be fair, in our culture that's the dominant notion of sex, that we are all brought up to hold and will likely retain unless and until something happens to shake it loose.
It should be shaken loose.
In this culture, (paraphrasing Skeptifem)

a person can be raped and not realize that is what has been done to them;

a person can commit rape and not realize that is what they have done to someone;

a person can think they are 'getting sex' from a willing partner even when the partner is unwilling or even actively resisting;

a person can confuse masculinity with dominance, confuse dominating a partner with having sex with them, and accept one party being traumatized as a normal part of sex. This culture turns sex into a power struggle for control over an inferior, instead of a mutually shared experience between two equals.

The best thing we can do to combat rape is to shake loose the former and replace it with the latter. If every person on earth had this latter notion of what sex is, they would respect their partner and there wouldn't be any power and control lorded over any victims.

...I can't believe that anyone is too fucking stupid to see that an unconscious, drugged woman cannot see that power and control are being lorded over her, when she is, unconscious after being drugged, and that the drugging was obviously a means to an end for the rapist to have sex with a woman whom he lusted for.

Well, from my end, it's all too easy to believe that someone "is too fucking stupid to see" that ...

... the fact of someone “lording power and control over a person” doesn't cease to be a fact just because the person isn't aware of it at that exact moment. It's still there, it's still a fact, and it's still wrong.

I don't object to the man lusting after the woman.

I don't object to the man having sex with the woman.

I do object to “lording power and control over her”. Whether his motivation is to show her who's boss, or to fuck her, or to steal her purse, I still object to it, and it's still about power, not sex.

Anyhow that's what I tried to say with #15. Now how do I get Ray to see that?

How do I get this idea across in a pithy little one liner in a bulleted list of “Rape Prevention Tips”?

Or should I even bother? Should that be on the list at all?

7/17/10

Mormons

Ever wonder why the Mormons set up where they did?   There's a story about that, and I can tell you it, cuz I used to live there, and hang out at this place.

It's on the hill overlooking Salt Lake City, this is the “This is the Place Monument”. This is the spot (and the third 'this is the') where the pioneers first came down into the Valley. See those mountains in the background? They're a lot bigger than they look, and steeper, and weren't pioneer-friendly. The mormons had to unhitch their wagons and skid them up and down on ropes, it was awful. So when they finally reached this place, they were right knackered, and whupped up a Mormon Tale (like a Fairy Tale but nuttier).
"Brigham Young was very sick with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and was riding in the back of a wagon. After exiting Emigration Canyon and cresting a small hill, he asked to look out of the wagon. Those with him opened the canvas cover and propped him up so he could see the empty desert valley below. He then proclaimed, "It is enough. This is the right place. Drive on." The words, "this is the place," were soon heard throughout the wagon train as the Mormon pioneers descended into the valley, their long journey having come to an end."
Ain't that sweet?  The 'place' was the Salt Lake Valley, which is kind of an odd place to settle. The name should tip you off; what he was looking at was the Great Salt Lake and the Bonneville Salt Flats.  It isn't the best farmland, so you have to wonder what the Mormon Moses was seeing there.

 Well, here's the REST OF THE STORY

He was too sick to even sit up by himself, remember, and the reason he was bedridden was he had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.  What they don't tell you is

It's just always struck me as funny.

The old perv seeing visions of himself as King of his own country, in the Promised Land of Milk and Honey, with millions of dollars, lots of  black slaves, married to dozens of underage girls, the works.  
Then the fever breaks, and?

 fucking salt flats.

7/16/10

Child Labor Party


Teabagger's signs are a gold mine, but this one especially cracked me up. I knew the TP people were assholes, but child labor?  These poor little guys qualified for a mortgage, at least. Times are tough. 

Photo by Samuel T Goldman in Colorado Springs, CO.

This is from Huffpo, there's dozens of them, LULZ galore.

7/15/10

Damage Control


According to this the Big People say they've plugged the sucking chest wound they inflicted on Mother Nature and she's no longer bleeding her guts out into the Gulf of Mexico.

This is good news, if we can believe these British Pricks.

 Which we can't.     

What kind of soulless pustule still invests money in this corporation? 

Meet Lucky


This is Lucky


...and this is his story:

A State Trooper got a call about “debris” in the road. When he went there, the “debris” turned out to be this little guy, lost and wandering around in the middle of a major intersection.

Trooper Hutchinson was able to stop and position his patrol vehicle in the intersection to shelter the kitten from oncoming traffic, ultimately snatching the feline back into the safety of his patrol car.
Motorists enjoyed what they saw, giving Trooper Hutchinson many “thumbs up” and quick applause as the traffic resumed its flow.

They couldn't find him a good home so the cop adopted Lucky himself.  This is a neat story but it's not exactly unusual. Democratic Underground covered it, and the comments thread is full of other heartwarmies, like this

The Humane Society told me a state trooper found my first beagle wandering along Interstate 74. I'm glad that cop stopped to save my Spartacus...and this cop stopped to save that kitten.
Yeah, me too.  Makes ya wonder, how many cops have 'too many pets' at home.  In this story cops and firemen rescued a whole family.  Here is a picture of some of the children they saved.

7/14/10

Matty 18

Matthew 18
Jesus says it's better to be dead than cause a kid to sin. Are you listening Pope Natzinger, you and your RCC (Raping Children Church)? It's your book, perv.

He says to be like a little kid (18:1-4), but he doesn't exactly say why. He claims they're humble, which just shows he didn't have a one-year-old running around. There's one here, and the world revolves around him he'll have you know. Jesus tries to explain, in his fumbling Jesusy way:

18:10 See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.
Premise #1: kids have angels  if the angels are in heaven, they don't very well have them, do they? They're up there looking at Daddy instead of watching the kid, they won't even know what the kids doing. Therefore … I need an alien to explain this, because it bears no resemblance to human logic. Or maybe a Christain.


Lucky for me, 6-9 tells how to know when I've spotted a True ChristianTM. They only have one hand and one eye, maybe not even that, because their book says to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin. Obviously no teenage boys ever read this.

All I need to do is find two of these one-eyed blind guys and I can tell if this stuff is true or not. See, look:
19 Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.
Considering 2000 years of asking and no doing, I'd say this Jesus guy is a damn liar. It's too bad, 'cause his heaven sounds like fun, what with those bondage games and all:

18 I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

Meanwhile, down on earth, if you have a beef with somebody, “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (15-17), which is how? A tax collector you give money to, so are christains supposed to give … oh wait, this guy Matthew was a tax collector. I get it, you're supposed to recruit them into your cult! That'll teach the bastards to sin against you. Harsh, man.

They'll have to sin a lot though, because we're supposed to forgive them the first 77 times. To illustrate, Jesus tells a parable (18:21-35) where a guy forgives somebody just one time before he opens the whoopass [This is convincing apparently, to a christain], and wow, look what's in the can when he does.

34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Jesus is down with torturing, and debtor's prisons, where the stay-till-you-pay plan means you can't ever earn the money to pay up so basically torture forever. That's what his Sky-daddy has in mind for us, and Jesus is just all thumbs up with it.

Now kiddies, what is the moral of this chapter? Jesus is … what?


Smart bunch of kids there.

7/12/10

Football Fatwas

I dunno, man, he's pretty well armed ....




Now that he was right, Spain has offered him Asylum. Wants to call him Pablo.

This reminded me, there really was a fatwa against football
Here's a video clip of Alan Black reading it, and a transcript of most of it.

In the name of God the merciful and benevolent

1. International terminology that heretics use, such as "foul," "penalty", "corner," "goal", "out" and others, should be abandoned and not said. Whoever says them should be punished and ejected from the game.

2. Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.

3. Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Add to this number or decrease it.

4. Play in your regular clothes or your pyjamas or something like that, but not coloured shorts and numbered T-shirts, because shorts and T-shirts are not Muslim clothing. Rather, they are heretical and western clothing, so beware of imitating their fashion.

5. If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.

6. Do not play in two halves. Rather, play in one half or three halves in order to completely differentiate yourselves from the heretics, the corrupted and the disobedient.

7. If neither of you beats the other, or "wins", as it is called, and neither puts the leather between the posts, do not add extra time or penalties. Instead leave the field, because winning with extra time and penalty kicks is the pinnacle of imitating heretics and international rules.

8. Young crowds should not gather to watch when you play because if you are there for the sake of sports and strengthening your bodies as you claimed, why would people watch you? You should make them join your physical fitness and jihad preparation, or you should say: "Go proselytise and seek out morally reprehensible acts in the markets and the press and leave us to our physical fitness."

9. You should spit in the face of whoever puts the ball between the posts or uprights and then runs in order to get his friends to follow him and hug him like players in America or France do, and you should punish him, for what is the relationship between celebrating, hugging and kissing and the sports that you are practising?

10. You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.

11. Do not do what is called "substitution," that is, taking the place of someone who has fallen, because this is a practice of the heretics in America and elsewhere.

 LOL2WTF

World's Worst Job?


I admit I'm juvenile, filthy-minded and foul-mouthed, but, COME ON, people.


"What do you do for a living?

"Oh, I'm an analist, with Goatse Security. For Gawkers."

"!!??!!"

"They're probing us y'know, for possible intrusions."
SPEEEWWWW!!!!!

7/11/10

Transmogrification (mat. 17)

Matthew 17

Whoa, man, this is really heavy. J and his peeps go up on a mountain, and he starts to glow, man. His clothes go all white and groovy looking and sunbeams come out of him. And then people just appear out of nowhere, man, and voices come outta the sky, it's like far out, man.  

This actually happened. It sounds impossible, but I'm here to tell you there is absolutely no reason to doubt it, as I have seen this with my own eyes. Of course, I took a double tab of Liquid Sunshine a little earlier.

When they're coming back Jesus tells them to keep all this on the down low till after he comes back from the dead. We used to get paranoid like that too, worrying about getting busted. I guess J figured the pigs don't hassle zombies. Anyhow the groupies are all , “Hey, wait a minute, man, Elijah is supposed to come first”, and J weasels out by saying John the Baptist was Elijah, and the dumb shits fall for it. Damn, Jesus is Humpty-dumpty!


Jesus-English Dictionary

yeast noun 16:12
1: Teachings; doctrine
John the Baptist noun 17:13
1: Elijah
Son of Man noun
1: Me
Gabbledy Gabitle Boo phrase
1: profound shit; words of wisdom



At v19 J pulls the classic con, blaming everything on the mark. You can't do something? It's because you aren't good enough. You can't move mountains? That's not because it's impossible, it's because you don't have faith. It's another entry for our Jesus-English dictionary:
Faith noun
1: ability to do the impossible; magic

Nobody's ever been able to play tiddly winks with mountains, so nobody's ever had any faith magic, duhhhh, but people have been falling for this line ever since. Mr. Cult Leader puts it right to work (17:24-27). To get out of paying his taxes, he tells his peep to go catch a fish, which will have money in its mouth so he can pay both their taxes. (!!)

Curiously enough, the story just ends there. There is no verse 28 telling if this prediction came true. A normal person would say 'WTF that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard go pay your own damn taxes', but this is Peter, alias Brainwashed12, Leader of the Pack(vroom, vroom).

I set my research team to work and we recovered the missing verses. You can see why they left them out.

According to Jesus, his peeps don't have to obey the law, just like he said back in 12:6. This reminds me of Crackergate, because back then I got into a into it, with a Catholic Priest no less, and managed to back him into a corner, (it was like tying knots in eels) and he flat out said that Catholics do not need to obey the law.
He admitted the crackergaters were guilty of a crime, assault at least, but that didn't matter, because y'unnderstand, God's laws abrogate human laws, so beating the shit out of people? A-OK. All his catlick congregation backed him to the hilt too.

That's some scary shit. People think Christstains are different than the Scary MuslimsTM—wrong. They're just two cheeks of the same ass.

7/10/10

a Pagan View of the Gulf


I'm just trying to figure out how to use GIMP.
Yeah, I suck, but you get the idea. right?

7/8/10

Rape Prevention Tips


Ways to Prevent Rape

1. Do not rape anyone.

2. Do not think you have the right to rape anyone.

3. Know what rape is. Know the meaning of 'consensual'.

4. Understand that anything sexual, with someone who does not want it, is Rape.

5. Don't believe that spending money on a date entitles you to sex in return.

6. If you're on a date, keep in mind that if your date wants to go so far, but then stop, and you don't stop, you are committing rape.

7. If you see a woman who is drunk, or asleep, or otherwise unable to resist, treat her the way you would like to be treated, by not molesting or raping her.

8. Don't think that having had sex in the past means you can have it now.

9. Recognize that consenting to be your girlfriend or wife is not consent to have sex.

10. Remember that no matter how horny you are, it doesn't mean anyone else is.

11. When someone says no to you, stop.

12. Remember that when someone pushes you away, or otherwise verbally or physically indicates that they do not want to have sex with you, you are committing rape if you continue.

13. Accept that when a woman wants to stop having sex, even if it's in the middle of the sex act, she has that right, and you must respect it.

14. Remember that rape is a crime, and even if you get away with it, you have violated another person's rights, and are guilty.

15. Understand that rape is about power, not about sex.

16. Accept responsibility for your own gender. Stop expecting and advising women to prevent rapes.

17. Place the burden of stopping rape on men, who are the ones that do it, not on its victims.

18. Don't expect women to stop rape, all on their own efforts, without help from you.

19. Learn about rape, don't just accept common myths. Talk to nurses, social workers, and others with experience. Or just listen to the women in your life, since some of them without doubt are rape survivors.

20. Learn about the aftermath of rape. Learn what rape victims experience in the courts, at the hands of police, doctors, even their families and friends.

21. Learn how rapists destroy lives, in ways that are as inhumane as murder.

22. Spend some time imagining what it is like for your woman friends, how it would change your life, to be aware every second of every day that they are at risk of a man violently attacking them.

23. Understand what people mean when they talk about 'rape culture', 'patriarchy', 'male privilege'. Don't dismiss people's legitimate concerns.

24. Volunteer to help your local Rape Crisis Center, even if it's only by donating money. Help publicize their efforts and the good they do. Work toward a day when they are not necessary.

25. Keep in mind that for your woman friends, rape is not just a hypothetical, and the subject is just as painful for many of them as the war is to veterans with PTSD.

26. Reject the idea that one gender is superior to the other. Value and respect both of them equally.

27. Face the fact that sometimes women will not like you, will think you are stupid, will make fun of you, will not treat you well, will fire you from a job, will laugh at you, will refuse your advances. Just like men will.

28. Grow up. Learn to accept rejection, disappointment and frustration. Don't take them out on others.

29. Don't laugh at rape jokes. When you hear one, object to it.

30. React to comments like 'She's asking for it” the same way you react to 'It'd be fun to strangle that baby.”

31. No matter how much of a slut you think a woman may be, defend her right to choose when and where she has sex, and who she has sex with. Insist your friends do the same.

32. When you talk with your buddies, be sure to warn them to NOT RAPE ANYONE if they are out at night, or with a new girl, or in any situation where it is possible for them to commit rape.

33. If you know someone who is a rapist, do something about it. Do not ignore, tolerate, pretend you don't know or don't care, or make excuses for him. DO SOMETHING about it such as, reporting him to the police, and everyone else.

34. If you know someone has or uses Date Rape Drugs, do something about it. Turn them in, warn any women who may be endangered, or do whatever you can to stop that person.

35. Be aware of your surroundings. When you see a man who may be a threat to a woman, watch him, and intervene if necessary.

36. If you have raped anyone, go to therapy until you figure out what is wrong with you, and fix it.

37. If you are a rapist, know that a few million human beings on this planet right now have no respect for you and may even wish you were dead.

38. When you get email chain letters telling women what to do to prevent men raping them, substitute this list instead.

39. Send this to every man you know. 

updated here

7/7/10

the Devil is an Orgasm

Long drawn-out passionate kisses, your lover nibbling your earlobe,  licking your neck,  passion building out of control, you're melting, when suddenly "Father, send your Holy Spirit int..."

You leap to your feet screaming WHAT THE FUCK WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO and too late you remember, this person is a Catholic,
just saying the "Prayer Before Making Love", like it says to do in the Prayer Book  for  Spouses that the
Catholic  Truth  Society murdered innocent trees to reprint. While you mourn the loss of the trees, the mood, and your complete lack of sense in relationships, your once-lover now specimen under psychological observation mumbles the rest of their incantation,

... into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.
Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will.
Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness.
Clothe us in our true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever. Mary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen
By now you're dressed and out the door, resolved to never have anything to do with Catholics or other insane persons.
Note: that'll include Musims, they do the same thing, and provide me a title for this post, from the comments.

7/6/10

Glimmers of Hope


Anymore I cry when I read the news, but even in the midst of death and destruction you can find tiny glimmers of hope. Here are a couple, both involving sea turtles.

In this one, a bunch of environmental groups got together and sued BP (yay, them) and the judge ruled in their favor. Now BP won't be able to burn oil without letting rescuers go through it to save turtles and other critters that are caught in it. Before they were just raking it up and setting fires, now they will have to hold off, and allow rescuers in to help the wildlife.  Hooray for Micheal Ellis, the shrimper who reported this, and the Sea Turtle Restoration Project, who acted on it. Heroes, they is it.

Yeah, I know; it took a lawsuit to make them stop setting fire to baby animals, but Stop That!  We are looking at the bright side here, dammit. Here's the other one.

In this one, hero biologists are digging up thousands and thousands of sea turtle eggs, shipping them across the country, to the Atlantic coast. They would have faced certain death if they hatched and had to crawl into what used to be the Gulf of Mexico, but this way they might be able to swim out into the ocean and swim around being turtley for thirty or forty years, before they come back to shore, which is what turtles do.  Good luck, little guys.


And for dessert, a little story of hatchlings who lost their way (with a happy ending, of course). 

7/5/10

How to Save Money


Our representatives[sic] in government just voted to spend another THIRTY BILLION DOLLARS on their wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, because their best minds have not been able to devise a workable exit strategy.

We have the solution to their problem, a simple exit plan guaranteed to remove all our forces from the Middle East. In a spirit of patriotism this 4th of July, we freely offer it below.




You're welcome. 

Buddhist Fatwa

(original pic from TANJ)

The last one doesn't sound quite right, but I'm getting my Buddhism from certifiable lunatic Chime Tenzing, raving in the Berkeley Daily Planet.

Half his rant is threatening violence, hidden under a burqa of course. He sidesteps the Buddhism is “grounded in” nonviolence, by following it up with the inevitable “BUT”. But what?---It will provoke him, and stir his sentiments, that's what.  Like these cases he devotes half his rant to admiring in loving detail.
(1) He “forewarns” Keds that it “will face similar consequences” as the Danish cartoonists who paid “a heavy price”. Not because of any murderers though, because they overlooked that murderers might murder them.
(2) Hindus forced an artist to flee the country “for fear of his life”, a consequence of the artist's “myopic vision”, not the Hindus who attacked him.
(3) Scraping the bottom to get Christains on board, he gives us a lawsuit, and upskirts his fatwa envy: they wouldn't do Mohammed that way, they wouldn't dare!

Those freaks who killed people over cartoons just made the cartoons famous and fools of themselves, but some people are just too dumb to see this. They think they're role models.

It's all cuz these shoes are “a gross denigration of” Buddhism. It's terrrrrible when advertisers denigrate something by splashing it all over everywhere, and making it a household word. Like how they've denigrated Coca-Cola for decades now, and made the company go broke, and you can hardly even find anyone who drinks Coke. 

Buddhism's Tenzing's ideals are important, y'see, and Keds has overlooked that importance, and that's “nauseating”. They've “committed an unpardonable sin” and “invited the wrath of the irate deities” with their “unholy feet”.  Wtf? it's bad enough religion freaks tell us our sex organs are unholy, now we're supposed to be ashamed of our feet?  And "irate deities", lol! 

If you can stop laughing long enough you can see his real beef: his feelings are hurt. Keds’ attitude “has hurt the sentiments of millions of Buddhists” he frothes, and he beseeches Keds “not to hurt the sentiments”, whose bones are easily broken.  By “millions of Buddhists”, he means him, and his suffering. That noise in the background is Buddha, laughing his ass off.
In the spirit of scientific inquiry, we rounded up some sentiments to test this. Filled a whole corral with them. We tried everything: shot them, blew them up, beheaded them, hung them, we even insulted them, and y'know what? You can't hurt them. They're emotions, they don't give a shit. Outrage is an emotion too, and you can't sentiment an outrage either. We tested.
The sentiments weren't outraged, and the outrages weren't sentimented. The people who held the sentiments, they just let go, sat back and watched.  Like Buddha would do.

Nobody else making threats AFAIK, but he's not the only one who didn't like the shoes. A lot of Buddhists complained, and Keds cancelled the products.  Didn't have to kill anybody. 

7/4/10

Matt16: Beware of Yeast.


“The Pharisees and Sadducees came”, and already my dirty mind is off the rails; is that spelled wrong? shouldn't it be “seducees?” Seduce, seducer, seducee, yeah, but then what's Pharise? Some weird kink they used to do back in the day? Maybe I don't wanna know.

Anyhow, these perverts came to (up to?) (on to?) to Jesus, and asked for a sign, and the author here loses his readers in a major WTF? Dude's been campaigning all over the country, kissing babies, curing cancer (well, demons), even raising people from the dead fer chrissakes, and here they are still asking for a sign? What the hell do they need, anyway? I don't blame Jesus for getting all snitty with them and stomping off(16:1-4).

Next Jesus says “Look out for yeast!” His cult are all “wait, what?” and J bitches them out, calls them stoopid for not knowing he meant the teachings of the Pharisees (16:5-12). Seems clear to me: first thing I think of when I hear the word “yeast” is “gobbledy religious doctrine”. No matter how much of that stuff I put in, I can never get my bread to rise though. (no, that pic is not me)

This is a weird story, Jesus stretching another metaphor till it confesses everything it knows and starts making things up. But In ContextTM it makes sense. He disses his followers for his own shortcomings, typical behavior for an abuser who wants to foster a sick relationship. So it's not weird at all, really.

Jesus is a man in search of himself. He wants to know who he is. Apparently, word on the street is that he might be Elijah or Jeremiah or somebody. It's a pretty good bet he ain't John the Baptist, look: head, body, no platter in between: he ain't Johnny. The only other choice the book gives is “one of the prophets”, which got me wondering who made the top 40 back in Jesus-Year 0.

At least 6 other gods died and were resurrected prior to Jesus:

Horus c. 3000 BCE
Osiris c. 3000 BCE
Attis of Phrygia c.1400 BCE
Krishna c. 1400 BCE (possibly as early as 5771 BCE)
Mithra of Persia c. 600 BCE
Dionysus c. 186 BCE
------From Forever in Hell

Jesus is looking for a brand, he asks Peter “What's my image?” Petey-boy says he's the Christ, and Jesus washes out his mouth for swearing. Ha ha, just kidding. 'Christ' wasn't a mouthwash word in those days, it was the slangy way to say “You da man, boss”. Remember (11:11), up till now nobody was greater than John the Baptist, but Jesus swallows Peter's line. And hook. And sinker. “Yeah, you said it dude, that's me all right.”

This sounds like a big change in our boy. He's mentioned stuff like this before, like in 12:40, he was saying he was gonna die and get resurrected after three days. How crazy is that? I was all baffled and just ignored it, picture an embarrassed silence, groupies shuffling their feet, looking down, out the window, hey look over there! But it makes sense if he was referring to those legends floating around about Mithra and Co. coming to save the world. He's finally jumped the shark and decided he really is one of them.

16:21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go …
See, see what'd I tell ya? Must go do all those things Messaihs have to do, like get killed, rise from the dead, all that stuff (16:21-22). Peter takes him off in the corner and tries to warn him, “Whoa, buddy, yer talking crazy here” but Jesus ain't having none of it, he pulls rank: “GTFO dude, I'm fucken GOD, and you're the mutherfucken devil if you don't buy in. So piss off. (16:23).”

Remember he said he was gonna come while they were out going door to door? Now he says it again, this time he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes, he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes, he'll be coming in his kingdom, he'll be coming in his kingdom, he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes. La, la la.

The guy's nuts.