6/30/10

I'm a Racist Prick

Also, I reek. Because I complimented Helen Keller and didn't say anything about Juneteenth, see. Andrea told me so, also, I'm using my White privilege. I need to find out how to see the little cooties your race and gender leave in a blog post, because all I see is little pixels.

She's right, though, I "appropriated the date". No one else can ever use June 19th again. I have it, and if you want to ever see it again, leave small bills at the pickup site. Come alone.
She also reads minds and knows what I google, but her E.S.P. is wack because I did google June 19, I just evilly decided to not mention it, because Bwahahahahaha I hate Juneteenth (1865): just like I hate Garfield (1978), Hindus (1966), Fathers (1920), Mexico (1867), Baseball (1846), and Norwegians (1179).

She calls this mass ignorance, and it seems to be, going by all the commenters who say they'd never heard of Juneteenth. I had heard of it, like I've heard of clocks and calendars, but for me it's not unusual  to run to the store and find out it's closed for some stupid holiday, like Christmas or Easter.
Only way I knew about Helen Keller day was I saw it on a blog that same day, y'know June19th, but not on Renee's blog because she didn't post anything about Juneteenth either. Unless you count the two paragraphs she stuck into her everybody's-a-racist post. The next day she made another bitchypost, and Indigo Jo smacked her down, and ohforchristssakes this is just like Bill 'whiny little bitch' Donohue.

We've got crazy muslims who go off over every little thing, like naming your teddy bear or drawing a cartoon, but at least you have DO something. Here are people going off because you DON'T do something.
Bill Whinybitch, in case you didn't know, is threatening people for NOT decorating their place to honor some old catholic bastard. Even harder to believe is that people have his back!! Fox “news” just can't figure out why WhinyBill's pantyknot isn't a reason to strumpet up the Empire State Bldg.
Clues = The owners don't fucken want to. Just like I don't want to decorate my house with people dying on torture sticks, like you and your Catholic League do, Billy you sick fuck, and that doesn't make me a catholic hater. Other things do that.

Renee doesn't sink to BitchyBill's level and start threatening people, but she protested. She "decided to list every single blog that is participating in this blatant act of racism”, but she left me out! Waah, it's a blatant act of racism bloggism something. How dare she make a list of disgusting bigots and not include me? My feelings are all hurt and shit, but I'm not demanding an apology, people have the right to say whatever they want. You call me a racist, I call you a prick: You tell me what to do, I tell you to fuck yourself. That's how it works.

PS If anybody came on saying “Yeah having HK day is awesome, and what's even more awesome is that it's also Juneteenth which is a really big deal and ups the awesomeness”, we could have both at once. Everybody wins. Yay! (But the Catholic League would still suck dog turds.)

What God Looks Like

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

6/28/10

Matthew 13


Ok I get this. I noticed it with mohammed too. To be believable as a HolyguyTM evidently, you have to find some prophecies, do what they say, then go around trumpeting how you made the prophecy come true and you should get money, blow jobs, etc. In this one Jesus even admits what he's doing.

The apostles ask him why he talks in riddles, and he gives some gibberish answer, basically “them that has, gets; them that don't, suck it.” which totally makes him a dick.
Actually, in context it's worse than that; here's Matthew13:10-16.

10 the groupies ask Jesus why he always talks in parables.
11 He says "I don't tell them the shit I tell you.
12 “them that has, gets; them that don't, suck it.”
13 I talk in riddles so they won't understand, so I fulfill
14 Isaiah's prophecy: he said they wouldn't:
15 (also, that he'd only heal people that do).
16 UR better'n them because I only told you this shit.
 So let's get this straight. Isaiah was a jerk who'd withhold medical care from people, but we'll ignore that and like, give a shit what he said. We'll act like it was some big prediction, instead of just whining about how misunderstood he was. You wanna fulfill his “prophecy” (whooo) by putting yourself in the category of {people who say shit that don't make sense}. O-kaaay.

Your groupies are too goddam dumb to ask why you wanna do that, even when you flat out tell them it's just a con to make them the Chosen FewTM so they can feel all superior. Also too goddam dumb to see the only difference here is between people you told shit to and people you didn't.

If he just talk in plain English (or Greek or Aramaic) people'd understand him, he wouldn't fulfill anything, wouldn't be any more special than you or me, and we could avoid this whole mess. Or likewise, we could if his followers were less gullible than a three-year-old.

Here I go:

“The snork shall meemble a bralbit”. 

There. Nobody understands that, so I fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy, so that makes me an official HolyguyTM, so you should care what I say: what I meant was 'send money', so now a Holydude has told you what it meant, so now you understand, so you are all special and bettern'n everyone else, so go jihad everybody, after you use Paypal.


How'm I doing?

Matthew 11-12

John the Baptist and jesus grease each others's dicks in this chapter, and J says
1111I tell you the truth: Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist;
 Ain't that a kicker, JtB is hotter shit than jesus. Who knew? Never heard anybody say "John the Baptist is my Lord and Personal Savior" though.


Jesus bitches how kids these days ain't worth a shit (11:16-17) ...


and how people didn't appreciate his miracles and they'll all go to hell ...


then power goes to his head, and he says this

11:27"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."
You seem to think you don't have a mother, you conceited little shit, but that right there is a fine fucking foundation for fundamentalism. Rave on, Rabbi ...

 12:6I tell you that one greater than the temple is here.
ooh, ain't we just humble'n holy hell, here? He gets really wound up, says 'he who is not with me is against me' (12:30), like a good little fear monger should. He doesn't start calling people terrorists, but he says anybody who speaks against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven

Really? Not never ever? That's harsh from the guy who's supposed to be all about turning the other cheek and loving his enemies, no pun intended. Priorities, man--genocide, rape and torture first: then saying mean things about Caspar.
This Jesus guy is turning out to be pretty much of a dick. Could it be Sister Dominatrice lied to me all those years?  Oh right, yes.
  
He keeps on yelling at the kids, with some weird stuff about evil spirits and the Queen of the South will rise again. Evidently the Doonhamers are gonna kick ass on judgment day.  I just wrote WTF? in the margin here.


Then,
 1247Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."


  and Mr. Love and Brotherhood says "fuck them, my homies are my family." Wasn't there something about that in those old laws he came to fulfill? Oh yeah, 'honor thy parents'. This guy isn't just a dick, he's a sinner! To hell with him! (so to speak)

Seriously, all my life I've heard about this character and how great and loving and peaceable he was. All I can say is, the trailer's better'n the movie.

6/27/10

Cheap Corporate Crack Whore Report on the Gulf


I might do ass-to-mouth with strangers in an alley for a hit of ice but I have some standards. I'd never sink to the level of Tom Seslar—hitch a ride with a team charting the death agonies of the entire Caribbean Sea and turn it into a hymn of praise for the Oil Industry!  

Rachael fixed it for him. This is brilliant.



BP Press Release Theatre: Flying Higher from The Rachel Maddow Show on Vimeo.


(from   NYTimes via  Americablog
 
*after two days, BP removed the text. It's still on google cache at this link.

6/26/10

Inspired by Taxis


Man, I hate to keep picking on these guys, but this isn't just low hanging fruit, this is fruit that smacks you in the face as you're walking along. Or riding a taxi in this case, which I didn't realize they were going to be on until I read this pithy little counter claim.   The irony is,  they launched this campaign when a top news story was the video of a pack of muslim men publicly flogging a little girl who tried to run away from a life as a sex slave.  Undhimmi gives the gruesome details here.

Clueless much? 

Undhimmi even gave us a parody of the taxi ads, that's theirs up at the top.
so of course I had to make some tooooo. 
1.


2.

With, as usual, the references to back up our claims.

Boobs for Everyone!


Speaking of ad campaigns,  here's one. A certain idiot, a.k.a. "Shaikh Abdul Mohsin Bin Nasser Al Obaikan, member of Saudi Council of  Senior Scholars and adviser to the king", but hereafter "Idiot", issued a fatwa a while ago. His pantyknot was over Saudi laws--women can't drive, so they need a male chauffeur, but they can't be alone with a male. Gee, a tuff problem, for an idiot.

Idiot's brilliant solution was not 'change the fucken law', it was "have the woman breastfeed the driver".  Yes, I'm serious. No, really, and he's not the only one, (don't blame me if you click that link, and see that picture).

Instead of the monumental task of educating Idiot and Imbecile about human physiology and stuff, the Saudi women threw down.

"Put up or shut up, beardos. Let us drive or we'll take you up on your offer and plop out our boobs for every guy in the Kingdumb."

  How can this go wrong?   It's brilliant.




6/25/10

Matthew 10:23-25


Ok, I'm done making juvenile ads, and back to reading “Matthew” which is about Jesus, not Matthew.

10:23 threw me. After blogging the whole Koran I knew better than to go look something up, but he keeps calling himself the 'Son of Man, and it bugs me. What's wrong with “me”, like a normal person?
Other places he's the 'Son of God'. I realize he has some issues with paternity, but still. So against my better judgment I looked it up, and guess what? It means whatever you want, depending on who you ask. No surprise there.

I notice other people call him SOG (The debbil did in 4:3 and 4:6, and the pig-hating demons in 8:29), but he calls himself SOM (9:6, 10:23). From what I gather S.O.M. is a kind of old word for “dude”, since everybody's a son of man, right? For these guys everybody's a son of god too, (unless you're a daughter of god, you know, one of those things vaginas have attached, no point mentioning those) S.O.G. is like an old word for “boss”, sort of respectful-like.
(*OpenOffice thinks that should be 'vaginae'. Wtf.)

We could revive these terms: “Hey Son of God, Son of Man finished your report and faxed it to Son of God. What does Son of God want Son of Man to do with it?” On second thought—Pronouns!

It works way better. Look
10:23 ... I tell you the truth, you will not finish going through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man I come s.
Now see, nothing hard about that at all, especially When you Look at the Context(TM). He was sending all the twelve apostles out and staying behind with the two Marys; hardly controversial he'd get his rocks off before they finished their grand tour.

The next two lines say a student can't be better'n their teacher (Yeah, Einstein, we're looking at you) and promotes collective guilt, (hang me now, one of my ancestors was a horse rustler). It's customary to ignore the bad parts, though, so I won't say anything about those like I just did.

Exalted Beings


Meet the Green Sea Slug
This guy has taken 'green' to a whole new level. She doesn't just like plants, she is  a plant.  Partly anyhow, he's part animal and part plant. She eats algae and incorporates their chloroplasts into herself so they keep right on photosynthesizing.  After he's done that, "the slug does not have to eat again for the rest of its life. All it has to do is sunbathe." How cool is that?


She's part plant, part animal so of course, the really big question to ask is, since Noah only took animals, was this guy on the Ark or not? Non-functioning minds want to know.

You could ask this guy, he could have been there in person. She's the Immortal Jellyfish. She starts out life as a polyp, and grows into an adult but then can change back into a polyp and do it all over again. It's called transdifferentiation, and he's the only animal we know of that can do it. Pretty handy, eh?


 Why do people need moldy old scriptures when there are things like these around?
 

6/24/10

Joke of the Day


Funniest thing I've heard in a long time. Obama made a speech about Afghanistan, and he said...get ready ...


"We have a clear goal."

BWAHAHAAAHHAHAHH. ROFLMFAO.





And what is this clear goal? "We are going to break the Taliban's momentum" Their momentum, not their forward progress. Not stop them, just slow them down a little.


Here's an idea, instead of spending our SIX BILLION DOLLARS a month on some imaginary worldwide network of  Viet Cong  Al Queda  Terrorists  Taliban, why not spend it on this Gulf defending us from BP?

More Inspiration


Hemant was right, these parodies just write themselves. I woke up this morning, heard little sniggering noises coming from my PC, went over and looked at the screen and this was on it


It's not  just  me, there's more of these here  and  here,

and here's another one,

hat tip to ihedenius for the idea, and a link to the reference.

Inspired by Jesus


Here at Uzzanotes we don't have anything against muslims in particular, we laugh at all religions equally. We're equal mockortunity employers. Why should christains get a pass? They inspire us too

 

with links to the verses: killing, lying, rustling.

6/23/10

Kids These Days

What's happening with our young people? They don't respect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What's to become of them?" (Plato 400 BC)
Nothing's changed, kids are still the same. Just when you think they're a lost cause you stumble over some that make you change your whole mind, look down, scuff the dirt with your toe, and mumble, "Jeez, I could'a been like that when I was ..." 

You'll be hard pressed to find better examples than these Little Women


Just see if you don't get a lump in your throat when you read Alaina's letter, from when she was 13, or choke up when you watch their video.

The world needs a lot more like these kids and a whole lot fewer Dick Cheneys, and that's a fact.

Inspired by Mohammed again


A commenter, more devout and learned than I, has helped me with my efforts to contribute to the IBM ad campaign, by pointing out "UR Doin It Rong", because
"your posters back up the claim with scripture references. Theirs do not. They just say it and expect you to take their word for it."
Praise Allah, he speaks The Truth™, and forsooth I hath removed those offensive scriptural references, and adjusted my message accordingly, by just pulling stuff out of my ass, as is traditional. 


:-)

Proof there is a God


Multiply any number X by itself n number of times, 
gives you X raised to the power n.

For every power n, there exists a power n+1  

obviously, a higher power exists.  


an Eye for an Eye for an Eye





GAZA 6/1/10 Back when the Israelis stopped the aid convoy, I heard an American was on board and lost eye. Googling “shot in face” gave me this video where a photographer,
“Tristan Anderson, 38, of Oakland, Calif., was wounded Friday in the West Bank village of Naalin, during a protest against Israels separation barrier”



“wounded” here means hit in the face with a tear gas cannister →  over a year in hospital, brain damage, blind in one eye, now in a wheelchair, relearning how to speak.  It surprised me to see more tear gas canisters landing all around the Red Crescent guys while they were loading him onto a stretcher. I'm so naïve. 

But that's from last year (there's a lot of these).  This is the one and it wasn't even on the ship it was at a demonstration ashore, afterwards.  Amy Goodman covers it here.  So add Emily's name to the list of Americans killed and wounded by Israel, along with Furkan Dogan. He was on one of the aid ships and the Israelis killed him.  


While this was going on, the shooter's Prime Minister 

was on his way to a state visit to Washington, DC, to be awarded a further $200 million in aid on top of the $3 billion of American taxpayer money the US gives away to him every year.”
Nice to know where your taxes go, innit, while you sit around not getting health care and stuff. Some of that money provides Israel with universal, single-payer health care, BTW. Not sure if it covers their shooting victims.    

But we have to spend this money! Bringing chocolate and potato chips and shoes to the children in Gaza is an attack on Israeli sovereignty, according to their Foreign Minister. No, seriously. 
In this video, Elliot Spitzer tried to defend this and Glen Greenwald handed him his ass on a platter. Fun to watch. 

In Sabina's video, the pro-Israel lobby shows their true colors, harrassing a Silent March for Peace with death threats and such.


This one shows the pro-Israel guys, among other things, chanting “Death to the Arabs” in Asdod, when they towed the ships in after the killings. So classy.


But, this essay really got to me.  Little Ramsey lives on a beautiful stretch of the Mediterranean coast, and he can't go to the beach

These “eye for an eye” dicks need to remember another quote “live by the sword, die by the sword.”  Why don't we all just put down our weapons and go surfing?

6/22/10

Matthew 10

Holy crap, what's going on here? Jesus is supposed to be some kind of dirty hippy peacenik I heard, but this chapter sounds like he's channeling Julius Striecher or Fred Phelps.

He starts out by giving all his top groupies (there's 12 of them) the authority to cure everybody, even dead people. WTF?  "I hereby authorize you to go try to do stuff you can't do." Sounds like a recipe for getting your ass kicked. Tar and feathers coming up?

The KJV has a +Power die roll, instead of + Authority. That'd make a better story but, 13 ppl going around raising the dead? I think that would attract some attention.


Then he gets ugly. He orders them to go out recruiting (cult flag!)  and makes threats against ppl who don't welcome them. 10:15 It'll be worse for you than Sodom and Gomorrah on Judgment day. "Threat? What threat?" Why does this remind me of a certain muslim website? or the catholic league?

He says everyone will hate them. Well yeah, they go around promising shit they can't deliver, duhh.  And the clincher:

v34 I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
Mein Kampf, baby! He follows this up with a long rant about how he's gonna make everyone hate each other, also how you suck unless you (cult flag!) love him more than your own kids.  Prince of Peace my arse.

And then he goes and pisses me off, again.

v31 "You are worth more than many sparrows"
You know what? Sparrows don't come knocking on my door to push weird religious cult on me, or take my money, or tell me I'll burn in hell, or criticize my sex life. Never heard of  a sparrow killing anybody, or raping them, or even issuing death threats. Sparrows don't start wars or ruin the Gulf of Mexico or fuck up the atmosphere.  Between Prophets and sparrows, I'll take the sparrow, no contest.
Jesus, you're a dick.

Weird Snake


What the heck? Why is this snake's tongue coming out the top of his mouth, instead of the bottom?Long Distance Noms



LULZ! It's not a snake, it's a Pangolin.



Did the picture throw you off like it did me?








Pangolins are teh cyoot.

  And they need help.

Love them.


6/21/10

Inspired by Muhammed


Truthiness in advertising is all the rage nowdays: don't stop killing people, hire a PR firm to give you a kinder, gentler, image.  Everybody's doing it.

The latest is the Inspired by Muhammad ad campaign in London.  In a spirit of inter-faith co-operation, here are my contributions to this worthwhile cause.


My hypocrisy meter is busted, so I might not have got it quite right, but it's the thought that counts, no?

(Jesus and Mo are on it too)
P.s. Here's another one.

6/20/10

Matthew 9:32-33


 32While they were going out, a man who was demon-possessed and could not talk was brought to Jesus. 33And when the demon was driven out, the man who had been mute spoke. ..."

He keeps talking about evil demons possessing people [why aren't there any good demons?], and this one stuck out because they made the guys dumb. I was all "whoa, waitaminnit" I've had professors that were dumb [not that way: these guys were hotshot PhDs, they just didn't talk--our classes were in sign language.]

There's a lot of reasons somebody couldn't talk, but trust me, demons ain't one of them. People say this Jesus dude is God, so he oughta know that.
OOOh, what's that sound? It's a lot of christstains saying these oldtime assmen** didn't know about germs and diseases so this is the only way that would make sense to them.
**cattlemen, horsemen ... these guys raise donkeys. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Ok, I'll cut him some slack there, it can't be easy being a Messiah, just ask Obama. Trouble is, he doesn't say how exactly to cast out demons. I'm supposed to believe he was God, but he was too dumb to foresee what would happen? There's no shortage of fanatics to come fill in the details, and then we get shit like:
[the link doesn't work. It's been removed, but you can google it and find all sorts of stomach-churning crap.]

The image burned into my brains is a beautiful little girl, looks about eleven, who can't talk, just sits there drooling on herself while the other kids go to classes, because her fucking PARENTS drove a railroad spike INTO HER SKULL to chase out demons.

All because of, besides the Bible, a shitstain called Helen Ukpabio, who,  I , she, i don't,,,, she was in Houston Texas! fucking  PREACHING!!!
Oh god, I went looking for the videos and found OMFG this, a video made by the shitstain itself.  You'd  laugh hysterically at this and munch popcorn if you didn't know there are people who actually take it serious. I'm just fucking speechless...

6/19/10

Matthew 8-9


Jesus keeps going around "touching" people.  Why, I dunno, since he heals some of them without "touching", and I've just got  dirty mind, but when I read about him 'laying his hands on' people, I can't help thinking: he was kinda the first Catholic priest, right?

What else does this book tell us about its main character?  Well, he doesn't think you should bury dead people. 

21Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
 22But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."
That's pretty heartless, and besides, old corpses laying all over, Ewww.
He seems to hate pigs, and he does what demons ask.

31The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs."
 32He said to them, "Go!" So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.
Oh, he's really Hawt, other guys follow him like hound dogs.

9As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
Eat your heart out, Scarlett Johansson, tax collectors'll only tell you to meet them after work.
Also BTW, is Matthew Horndog here the same guy who wrote this book? Doesn't sound like it.

Finally, when somebody asked him why his d00ds weren't fasting, he babbled three verses about bridegrooms and wineskins and never did answer the question. So we know two more things about Jesus. He won't give a straight answer, and he sucks at metaphors.

Who Was This Person?


She was born in 1888, and grew up to become a ...
Radical socialist
union worker, IWW member
One of the earliest women to earn a college degree
prominent writer
popular public speaker
suffragette, fighter for women's rights
outspoken proponent for birth control
anti-war activist
actress
filmmaker
well-known celebrity
author of twelve books
spokesman for disability rights
political activist
helped to found the ACLU

Holy crap, that's some accomplished individual. So have you guessed who she is yet?

Helen Keller, that's who.

Oh, yeah, she was blind and deaf, too. You might've heard about that part; but if you don't know any of this other stuff about her, yer jist ignernt; so go fix that. Feministe is a good place to start, a post with a lot of links. 

 Today's Helen Keller Day in Second Life

Check out the Blogswarm at FWD. Lots of good posts there, including this List of other blind women who did notable stuff, and a great analysis at Hoyden About Town.
If you're curious about deaf-blindness and how it affects your life,you should put a human face on it by visiting Life is but a Dream, a really interesting blog, by someone who is deaf-blind themselves.

Doan stay ignernt: Helen Keller didn't.

Dr. Perv will see you now.


Are you a disgusting pervert?

Having second thoughts about a career as a Priest?

Maybe you should try Urology.

As a pedophiliatrician, you could have a nice little setup like Dr. Poppas' Pedophile Palace, otherwise known as the New York Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Medical College of Cornell University, office of Dix P. Poppas, sick fuck  pediatric urologist.

Here's the scam. Parents bring you five year old girls. You examine them. You decide their clits are too big. You cut off part of their clit. No, I am not making this up! 




Repeat, I am not making this up.  This is actually happening in a US hospital, in 2010.  You can read all about it in “Nerve Sparing Ventral Clitoroplasty: Analysis of Clitoral Sensitivity and Viability”, Journal of Urology, 2007

The beauty of it is, nobody accuses you of Female Genital Mutilation, because you're the mutherfucking doctor, see.  The real jollies come with the follow-up exams.

"follow-up exams – which involve Poppas stimulating the girls’ clitorises with vibrators while the girls, aged six and older, are conscious" 
It's true there are babies born with disfigured genitals, that need plastic surgery, and there is a need for surgeons who can help them. This is not how to do it:

"while a parent watches, Poppas touches the daughter’s surgically shortened clitoris with a cotton-tip applicator and/or with a “vibratory device,” and the girl is asked to report to Poppas how strongly she feels him touching her clitoris. Using the vibrator, he also touches her on her inner thigh, her labia minora, and the introitus of her vagina, asking her to report, on a scale of 0 (no sensation) to 5 (maximum), how strongly she feels the touch."

"... ideally he seeks to conduct annual exams with these girls. He intends to chart the development of their sexual sensation over time."
He intends ideally to keep his slimey perverted ass out of prison too, and being a doctor, he probably will.
Some Bioethics people are trying to get him to stop what he's doing, but they don't seem to be having much luck even with that.  Sick fuck. 

------------------
Update:  more at Feministing, the F-word, and Shakesville. Guess what? No one approves.

6/17/10

Matthew 5-7

We're up to the Beatles, err, Beatitudes. So far it's just an intro, now we get to hear what this Jesus guy had to say.

A lot of cliches: salt of the earth (5:13), city on a hill (14), turn the other cheek (38), pray in private (6:2-6), planks in ur eye (7:3), know tree by fruit (7:16).  Mostly he seems like a  nice guy, if a little naïve, saying things like “the meek shall inherit the earth**.

There's funny parts. The lust-in-your-heart quote, how it's better to lose part of your body than go to hell (5:28-30):
Chop off your dick! 
Scoop out your brain!

He says never swear on the bible (5:33). Tell it to the judge, lol. Reminds me of the lady who refused to swear in as a witness, because she was a good christian and didn't use foul language. That's a true story.

Then 6:7 says don't “babble like pagans” when you pray (KJV “vain repetitions”)—then turns around and gives you the words to the lord's prayer. WTF? That isn't babbling?
Catholic childhood: confess sins, get penance (=say X Hail Mary's and Y Our Fathers),—estimate how long that would take, daydream for that long, get up and leave, mission accomplished.  No babbling.
 
There are deep theosophical questions too. He doesn't come to abolish the Law or the Prophets, but to fulfill them(5:17). ???Uhhh, how do you fulfill a Prophet?
This makes no sense, and get your mind out of the gutter. You could fulfill a Law, I guess, by obeying it, so he's saying all those Old Testament laws still apply, we should stone people to death, keep wool and linen separate.

Or maybe not. Other people with too much time on their hands have studied this. It means: First decide if the Law agrees with whatever atheists say: if it doesn't, shitcan it; if it does, follow it and accuse atheists of not having it.

5:22 says you'll go to hell if you call somebody a fool. Well the Old Testament, that's God talking right? and he calls people fools in Ps. 14:1, Prov. 10:18, Prov. 15:5, Prov. 18:4-7, Lk. 12:20, Prov. 28:26. See ya in Hell, god.

Not only that, even Matthew says somebody is like a fool (7:27). Being like a fool is not the same as being a fool, so that's ok maybe? Where's the cutoff point? 90%? 80%? 0.02%?

As preachers go this this Jesus character isn't bad, but he crashes and burns when he says no divorce ever (5:32), for anything except adultery. Fuck that. How about for beating the shit out of you? No problem with that, preacherman? 

Finally, it's a pretty lame-ass prophet who couldn't foresee the consequences of an idiotic remark like this one:

6/16/10

A Salute


Meet Sgt. Mark Fry.

This guy is a real hero in my book.

Here's the story.
Major asshole hits a deer, and then just drives off and leaves her hurt and dying by the side of the road. Of course, because that's what assholes do.

Along come cops who are not assholes, and they put the doe out of her misery. Then they notice her stomach is moving. Oh, noes! What can we do? What Officer Brian Boerst did was; take a knife, do a C-section, and deliver two fawns! How cool is that? Pretty damn, that's how.

The story gets better. One baby deer was still alive, but wasn't looking so good, so get this: Sgt Fry used CPR on it, and mouth to mouth resuscitation, and revived it!
YAY!! Hero Cops FTW. Collect massive Hero Points!

He tried to get someone to take the baby, but Ohio has laws against being decent, so nobody would and the story gets crappy but I don't wanna talk about that part. I just wanna focus on this Sgt. Fry and his wife Darla and their awesome awesomeness.

They took the little orphan baby home and nursed it with goat milk. Named it Norman. When The Man came to take Norman away they ran them off (remember Sgt. Fry is a cop himself, so this raises the factor of his awesomeness) and spirited Norman away to a secret hideout. Underground railroad, YAY!Go, Norman!

Norman finally busted out and ran off to join Bambi and the other deer, hopefully for a happy ending. The heroes aren't sorry and say they'd do it again.
 
Ya see? It's too early to give up on the human race jsut yet. As long as there people  like Brian Boerst and the Frys are around, there's still hope.

I Need Your Help


Sarah at Feministe posted about a free online videogame called “Hey Baby.”

Jessica Wakeman describes it thus: A new video game called “Hey Baby” lets a female avatar run around with a gun, shooting men who sexually harass her with the usual obnoxious crap, like “You know you want it!” and “I love you!” When she shoots her harassers, headstones rise from the ground with his catcall in place of his name.

Kieron Gillen, writing for the gaming magazine Rock, Paper, Shotgun:

Okay: the game isn’t about mowing down men. It’s about male privilege and what male privilege feels like.

The game’s rubbish, of course. But the one thing it does well is show how what you may think is an innocuous compliment feels in the context of a woman’s life. You approaching a woman in the street and being what you think is politely flirty is a different thing when, down the street, someone’s suggested that maybe you’d like to suck my dick and you’re a fucking bitch if you don’t.

From her perspective, it’s a culture of harassment she has to either politely deal with or ignore.
From your perspective, you’re just showing how you feel.

That your passing desire means you get to derail a woman’s life whenever you feel like it is the absolute definition of male privilege.

Seth Schiesel at the New York Times:

no matter what you do, they keep on coming, forever. The game never ends. I found myself throwing up my hands and thinking, “Well what am I supposed to do?” Which is, of course, what countless women think every day.

So where is the line between saying “Hey, sweetheart” and “Baby, I could blow your back out”? Is there one?
I doubt any noninteractive art form could have given me as visceral an appreciation for what many women go through as part of their day-to-day lives.

Just as I have never been sexually harassed, I have never accosted a strange woman on the street. After playing Hey Baby, I’m certainly not about to start.

Wow, that sounds impressive. I went to the site and tried to play it, but I've never played these games, and suck at it so bad I really couldn't get a feel for the game, much less form any opinion on its significance. Mostly I was good at running into walls. So
Please, Please,
please, someone who is a gamer and can do these things, play this game and let me know of your experience. I really want to know.

6/15/10

Matthew 4

Transitions are your friends. This Matthew guy, if that's who's writing this book, needs to meet some. Here's what happens after the baptism:

Jesus follows the Spirit out in the boondocks. 
He follows Satan around, tells him to piss off. 
 He hears John is in prison.
He goes to Galilee. 
He starts preaching.
He rounds up a bunch of followers.
Pretty disjointed, yeah. 

This Jesus guy has magical mind control powers (along with the GPS star and heaven opening up for commercial breaks). He goes up to a bunch of fishermen who're busy working, and says "Follow me". They don't say "Fuck off asshole, we're busy" they just walk off the job and go with him.  Whoa.
Scarlett Johansson might be able to pull that off, but, ... oh ho, maybe it's not magical mind control, maybe, he's ... ohhh, I'm not going there.

Anyway, he's some kind of doctor too, cause he goes all over healing people, and pretty soon people come from miles around to hear him play to see him cure epilepsy and paralysis and demon-possession. Wait, What, demons?  Oh right, fantasy story, ok.

6/14/10

Contests



This is the leading entry so far. Logomyway is having a contest to redesign BP's logo.  Click on this link to see all the entries. If I could do artwork I might enter this contest, but I can barely draw a conclusion so I'll pass it on to you.

Us Scrabble players have been competing to decide what the initials "B.P." stand for.  Some suggestions:

Bad People
Bad Planners  
Beyond Prosecution
Bringing Pollution
Bastard Polluters
Buncha Pricks          ...........you get the idea.  Any suggestions?

The BIGGEST News in the WORLD


Apparently, some people kicked a ball through some sticks.

Apparently I'm supposed to give a rat's ass.

There ya go.

Matthew 3

The story introduces a new character, John the Baptist.  He's a wild-eyed loony who  lives out in the desert screaming "Repent! The End Is Near!" and must be the original model for the stereotype.  He also screams insults at people who come to him, and demands for payment, along with lousy metaphors (e.g. god can produce children out of the stones--wtf?)  but for some reason Jesus goes to see him.  Jesus is all growed up now, his childhood only lasted a half a page.

They have a kindergarten moment; "You baptize me." "No you baptize me." It doesn't say what that's about; does he do this with everybody, or does Jesus give off holier-than-thou rays? Finally Jesus goes swimming, and when he comes out, the author demolishes our willing suspension of disbelief by having the sky open up and god give a product endorsement: "Me & Jesus--BFF!".

Oh, come on.  You just put this in your story all matter-of-fact like it's the most normal thing in the world,   nobody bats an eye? Even in fantasy writing you need to throw in an "Everybody was all 'WTF?' " for something like this.

Also, the spirit of god descended on him. Like a dove. Ewwww. At least it wasn't a sea gull.

6/13/10

5th Grader Saves the World


This is wonderful.  All the terrible news from Gulf War III, and this ten year old kid saw the problem, she wanted to help, so she thought up a way she could, and wrote a letter offering her services.

They took her up on it (of course they did :-), and now she has a facebook page, an online art gallery, and has raised thousands of dollars and tons of warm fuzzies and is helping and this is just SO FUCKING COOL I CAN'T STAND IT.   Yay, Olivia.  I'm in awe.

You can see some of her pictures here.   Happy tears.

We have a winner



After three hundred posts talking shit about the Quran, I post two, count 'em, two, posts on the Bible, and I get this comment, from too chickenshit to even give a fake name anonymous:

I thought this was Uzza's QURAN notes, moron. Ur not funny anymore, assclown.
I don't need to say anything, ethinethin answered for me.

Ahahaha, Anonymous. "WHAT. HE'S MAKING FUN OF CHRISTIANS NOW? NOT FUNNY."

ROFLMFAO

Matthew 2


Aha, now I get what this book's about, it's a fantasy. I wasn't sure till now, but this part tells about some guys coming to visit the baby Jesus, and --get this--a fucking star appeared, moved across the sky and led them to where he was.  Ooooooo-kay, let's get popcorn; expect the Dark Riders to turn up any minute ...

... nope, no Ringwraiths, but the king does kill all the little kids. See, there's a legend that starbaby will grow up and take over, so it's a little security precaution. The story seems to be set somewhere without PR departments.
But they get away, because Joseph keeps having these dreams where he knows what's gonna happen ahead of time.  The dream bit is overworked, but anyway, they go on the lam, keep one step ahead of the king's goons, and finally end up in Nazareth.


6/12/10

We're All Drinking Pee!


June 5th, Protest the Pill Day, is what? Maybe somebody's getting bad Ectasy? Naw, birth control pills kill the environment, y'see.

Well, according to all these groups, most of which have “por-life” in their names, meaning “trash the environment to support wars”. They're on about hormonal estrogen in our water--let's see what that is.

Hmmm, near as I can tell, women are taking birth control pills and then peeing in our drinking water, so we all ingest scary female hormones and lose our manly masculinity. The Horror! We need to find these women, and stop them.

I'm no chemist, but this paper for a Chemistry class says what their “hormonal estrogen” is. Don't color me surprised to find out some chemicals mimic the effects of natural estrogens.
What chemicals?
Well,  "various synthetic chemicals used in pesticides, pharmaceuticals, industrial chemicals, household detergents, spermicides, food packing agents, plastics, and sewage treatments” and natural plant produced compounds. Sewage treatment uses some 360,000 tons per year of one, alkylphenol ethoxylates (APEs). There's apes in your sewers, lol.


So the water downstream from a sewer plant is polluted. Duhh. Where are these women peeing in it? If women are peeing, aren't men peeing too? Why are you drinking it?

Here's the National Catholic Register of Knotted Panties saying “OMG before our drinking water is treated there's a zillion chemicals in it and one of them has the same name as a chemical in birth control pills we're ALL GONNA DIE!!! 1!!ELEBENTY!!1

They studied the fish and decided the main culprits were estrogens and other steroid hormones from birth control pills ”

which is what you get when you put on your Catholic Goggles and read this:

“...effluent contained a complex mixture of endocrine-active chemicals, including 17beta-estradiol (E2) 17alpha-ethynylestradiol, alkylphenols, and bisphenol A resulting in an estimated total estrogen equivalence of up to 31 ng E2 L(-1). These results indicate that the reproductive potential of native fishes may be compromised in wastewater-dominated streams.”

SEE? Told ya. Now let's all make up signs and march for “I'm Too Dumb to Understand Chemistry Day”. Jeez.



6/11/10

Corporate Free Speech











Matthew 1:18-25


Looks like this Jesus guy was a bastard. Not the bad kind,though. This says his mom was set up for an arranged marriage but she got knocked up first. The guy she was supposed to marry, Joseph, instead of yelling "You fucking slut, etc.tm", he was going to go through with the marriage, and get just divorced on the down-low later.

But he had this big dream where the kid was born and grew up to be some kind of successful, so that made him decide to stick with it. Good for him; seems like a nice guy, kind of.
_________

This book isn't so bad once it gets past that dumb genealogy. I notice it's the New International Version, which is lucky because if I had to wade through begats and thous and thys, it would be the Old Recycled Version.

6/10/10

How to Help


The other day a wildlife specialist was saying that there is no use trying to rescue oiled birds, that they all die anyway so it's better to just euthanize them all.  Well, it turns out that things aren't that hopeless.



This really good article gives the details, why she said what she did, and why we should not give up. We really can help.  Here are some ways.
----------------------------
Stephen Colbert is heading up The Colbert Nation Gulf of America Fund that you can donate to. They distribute these funds in the form of grants to nonprofits that work directly to help the people and wildlife affected by this oil spill.

International Bird Rescue Research Center: how to help: they are not coordinating volunteer efforts, but you can donate money to their paypal account to support their efforts.
Tri-State Bird Rescue & Research -- a partner to IBRRC in this effort -- where you can volunteer, donate money and "adopt a bird"!
USFWS Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill Response has information, phone numbers to call to report oiled wildlife, and includes links to websites for coordinating volunteer efforts for the states of Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida and Alabama.
Audubon Society lists a variety of ways you can help (volunteering, donating, etc.) and also provides phone numbers to call if you see oiled wildlife.
Deepwater Horizon Volunteer Information website containing contact information and links, much of which already appears elsewhere.

Suncoast Bird Sanctuary in Indian Shores, Florida is the largest wild bird hospital in the U.S., and has experience with oil spills. They are asking for volunteers. You can donate needed supplies/money or volunteer by visiting their website, calling them @ 727-392-4291, or emailing jessicag@seabirdsantuary.com.

Read More:

Deepwater Horizon Day 14: $?, a very interesting blog essay about the value of saving oiled wildlife
( all this above is from the article)

Matthew 1:1-17


The other day I found this book in the garbage. It looked too good to throw out, had a big fancy binding with gold lettering, so I fished it out and started reading it.

It's called "Matthew", but it doesn't say who that is. It starts out talking about some guy by the name of Jesus Christ instead, and tells who all his ancestors were for two whole pages, but it never does tell who the hell this Matthew guy is.

Maybe it'll get better.

Oh my that little country boy could play


Go Ronnie Go

Go



An introduction


Hi, I'm Uzza. Long ago everyone in Sumer knew me, and my sisters and I were worshipped all over the Mideast. Then these upstarts came along with this new 'Islam', and things have been downhill ever since. They have this thing the Quran, that I put off reading for 14 centuries or so, but it looks like they're here to stay so I finally got around to picking it up and reading it, and I blogged all my reactions. Then I started on that 'Bible' thing, since that stupid 'Christian' religion has been a pain in the ass even longer.

Don't be surprised I'm not all polite and respectful, 'cause we had a good thing going until this little punk Abraham came along, and then Jesus, and Mohammed. I have to admit I'm a little pissed, I mean we had a perfectly good moon to worship, and goddesses. What kind of guys would rather read a book than get drunk and have naked pagan orgies?

If this goes on for a few more millennia I may be tempted to just wipe them all out and start over. I don't think I'll have to though, 'cause they look like they're about set to do it to themselves. In the meantime, they're funny to watch.


6/9/10

Should Exeter Union High School Obey the Law?


So the high school planned to have an official prayer at their graduation ceremony, a student challenged it, the ACLU sent them notice it was unconstitutional, and sued them, and the U.S. District Judge issued an  injunction against it.  Pretty clear cut, it's illegal. So what did the school do? They voted on it.  


Or in other words, Should Exeter Union High School Obey The Law?    Answer: "NO."

Why not? "My God doesn't answer to the 9th District Court of Appeals. My God doesn't answer to the Supreme Court," said parent Walter Weaver.
 Well Wally, it's not your stupid god's ass that the Courts'll toss in jail, remember that. 

Their excuse? It's tradition. Hell, you can't argue with preserving those old traditions, like the one where we fed christians to the lions, and then we had a moment of silence.

Fuck you Exeter Union High School, and don't let me hear your raggedy unAmerican ass bitching about those scary Muslims and their Sharia law, either.  

Blasphemy Pants!


South Asia News. At least nine people including five policemen were injured after violent protests erupted in different areas of the city over the rumours of blasphemous depiction of a “sacred mosque” imprinted on underwear.
On underwear. Holy skid marks!

[* Hat tip to The Freethinker,who thoughtfully provided this image of what said pants might look like. (hey, they asked for it)]

The structure on the garment later turned out to be that of a historic cathedral of Italy.
WTF? It wasn't even a mosque? "Oh. Sorry dude."

Police said they have identified the culprits who spread the rumours, leading to widespread law and order problem in the city. Wait, what was leading? The rumors? The culprits? The police? Sentence fail.

The trouble started in Nowhatta market after some people spotted brown-colored sketch  brown colored! (insert juvenile humor here) of a building covered by a huge dome on underwear. Eww, that's an image I didn't need Some people mistook the structure as that of Al-Aqsa Mosque. Soon the residents in Nowhatta and adjoining localities of the old city started gathering and protesting against the “blasphemous underwear”.  With straight faces.

Shouting “Islam Zindabad” and “We want Freedom,” from underpants! the protesters started rallying on the streets of old city. The protesters also raised anti-Israel slogans. Because everyone knows the Mossad sends out covert panty raids to do just this sort of thing. “Keep Israel out of our pants!”
“This sketch is sacrilegious. We can’t tolerate such acts,” a protester said. “We would protest”.
Ok, you win, yours are sillier.

The protesters started marching towards Lal Chowk. However, police intercepted them near Khayam Chowk. The police men canecharged hey, a new word! the protesters besides firing tear smoke canisters. The protests turned violent after small groups of youth started hurling stones. Three people were injured as the clashes soon spread to other areas. Jeez.

Panic spread to Lal Chowk as many youth from Maisuma and Koker Bazar took to streets and staged demonstrations. The shopkeepers started pulling down their shutters oh, shutters. Scared me for a second there and people rushed out of the area.
Meanwhile, some people termed the protests as a conspiracy to distract people’s focus from Machil fake encounter killings. “We feel some people orchestrated the entire protest thing to distract focus of people from the investigation of Machil fake encounter,” said Showkat Ahmad, an engineer by profession.

SSP Srinagar, Javed Reyaz Bedar said, “There was no blasphemy no shit. The underwear bore imprints of some building. The law and order problem was handiwork of rumour mongers. We have identified them.” He added that five policemen were injured in the day-long clashes.
Five people got hurt because of a fake rumor--about pictures on underwear. You can't make this shit up. Or, if you do, make sure the shit isn't shaped like a building.

The SSP said that investigation would be carried out to know the real motive of people who “conspired” to mislead people.
SP North, Rashid Pal said they have started searching for people who
spread the rumours. “We have arrested two persons in this connection,” he added
.
How about you search for the fuckwits who rioted, and investigate what the the hell's wrong with them. We need to find a cure for this.

According to a press statement issued by police in the evening, “The underwear garment in question was produced and examined. It was found that it carries sketches of various buildings on it which resemble places like Big Ben in London, St. Paul’s Cathedral Italy and other places.
Catholics and Londoners immediately began rioting … no wait … didn't give a shit. So to speak.

“No sketch has any likeness to any Muslim religious place or building. The attempt to create tension in the society is a deliberate move to disturb the situation by indulging in blasphemous rumors. The general public is advised to remain calm and caution against such elements,” the statement adds.
You are hereby duly cautioned to watch out for crazed religious fuckwits. In your underwear.

Anniversary


On this day, 43 years ago, off the coast of our 51st state, this happened:



If you don't know about the USS Liberty Incident, you should google it.  This other video offers a reasonable sounding conspiracy theory along with more detail. Was it really part of Operation Northwoods? Who knows, but I wouldn't put anything past these guys.

Forty three years ago today. It's just too ironic, with what's in the news this week.

6/8/10

Mo' Cartoons


On a cartoon binge here so I thought I'd post the bestest ones. This one is my all time favorite
because it doesn't just pick on one religion, it gets all three. Equal mockortunity.



It's from here, with a nice discussion of the latest attempt to kill a cartoonist, Lars Vilks this time.  In keeping with the theme of EDM Day, here are his cartoons.  [Attn terrorists: You'll have to come kill me now.  Put it in your Blackberry]











Really, I wouldn't kill the guy for it, but that is some seriously shitty artwork.











Here's some better. I like this one, does it depict Mohammed or not?

It's one submission to the Everyone Draw Mohammed Blog, which by now has enough cartoons on it to keep fanatics busy for eternity. Here he lists facebook pages with cartoons, although they keep getting taken down. His intro explains why we do this--free speech, yo. Death threats = FAIL.  


This site mentions, and shows, the 'three worst cartoons' of the Danish batch that started all this, which I might add, WERE MADE BY IMAMS. Where's the Fat Wa on those bastards, I'd like to know. I'd copy them but they are really crappy and not even actual cartoons, these losers can't even photoshop.  When that fanatic virus gets your brain, the first thing it eats is your sense of humor. True fact.

This one is good, and truthful
Jesus and Mo made one that is really terrible---so naturally I laughed my ass off over this one:

Speaking of bad taste, I wish I'd had this earlier, it fits right in with my Koran blogging. Having read the whole thing, I pretty much agree.

On that note ....